The Moral Dilemma: Chapter 20

NOELLE WORKED ALL DAY, sifting through business proposals and market research, only clocking out late in the afternoon. But as she checked once more on Raf, she noted it was his day off the drug. Although she usually went to see him as Lucero on all his sober days, that day she felt a pang in her chest at the thought of lying to him again.

How could she do it when she knew what it was like for him to call out name? When she knew what it was like to have him love her for the real her? How could she ever go back to that?

But her treacherous heart won again. She was too selfish to go to him just as she was too greedy for his company. Maybe they couldn’t be physical, but his voice alone was like a warm blanket on a winter day, giving her all the comfort she needed.

“Raf? How are you?” she asked as she settled comfortably against the wall with a small container of food. She’d had the same delivered to him earlier and she’d like to think she was sharing a meal with him.

“You’re here,” he said as he shuffled closer to the wall. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“I heard you weren’t very well yesterday. I wanted you to get some rest.”

“Yeah… I don’t know what happened,” he sighed. “I woke up to a trashed room and the next thing I know is that some people are coming in to clean everything. A doctor came to see me, too, for an exam. He said I’d been more violent than usual and he needed to monitor me.”

“Do you know why?”

“No.” He let out a harsh breath. “ I can vaguely remember feeling angry but I don’t know why. But it must have been bad enough for me to hurt myself. I banged my head pretty badly.” He tried to laugh it off.

Noelle, however, wasn’t smiling. She knew exactly how he’d gotten that injury and she felt ashamed for lying to him and pretending she had no idea what he was talking about.

“Did the doctor look at it? How is it?”

“He did. It’s not too bad. He told me they’re going to change my drug schedule soon.”

Noelle frowned. She hadn’t heard of that.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not entirely sure. He only told me from now on they’re going to administer it to me every two or three days. Maybe they want to see how I react to it when it’s not daily? I have no idea.”

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, her heart breaking for him. “But it won’t be for long, Raf. I’ve already figured out the details of our escape. It’s at the end of the month.”

“What?”

“I’ll give you more details closer to the date, but I want you to know I haven’t forgotten about you. We’re going to get out of here—together.”

“Lucero…” he trailed off, emotion evident in his voice. “You humble me with your words.”

“I promised you I’ll get you out of here, Raf, and I’ll keep that promise. No matter what. I’m not letting you waste away here.”

“Just… Please don’t take any unnecessary risks.”

“I won’t. I’m being very careful,” she assured him. “Although… I have one question. When you see me in person. Please don’t freak out.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just…” She bit her lip, unsure how much she should reveal. “Promise me you won’t freak out and you’ll hear me out first.”

He didn’t reply for a moment as he mulled over her words.

“I trust you,” he eventually said. “I promise I won’t freak out,” he told her, thinking she was having second-thoughts about her appearance.

“Thank you,” she murmured, a smile pulling at her lips.

They chatted a little about mundane things before Noelle made the courage to ask something she knew he might not want to talk about—still, it was something she itched to know.

“Raf,” she wet her lips nervously. “You almost never talk about your time with Armand,” she said, silence echoing at the other name.

He’d told her very little, and though she’d managed to pry Armand’s name at some point, Raf had never commented more. Yet that had been enough to track him down and find out more about him. Unfortunately, he was already dead. Noelle would have loved to kill him with her own hands—make him suffer for days on end just as he’d made her Raf suffer.

Her hands balled into fists as even now the anger coursed through her veins, frustration gnawing at her.

“What do you want to know?” He finally spoke, an odd undercurrent in his tone.

“You don’t have to tell me anything if the memories hurt, Raf. But I’d love it if you shared your suffering with me. If… If I could maybe help you shoulder the weight of those memories.”

They’d already shared so much, talking about their families and the circumstances of their upbringings. Noelle had told him about his life at the hacienda in the vaguest terms—she’d detailed things that happened to her, but without mentioning names. That he’d intuited that the mistress of the house was violent with her…

She hadn’t been able to dissuade him from that stance since he was well aware of Noelle’s reputation at the hacienda. That had been the first time she’d regretted what she’d done—the fact that she’d built a bloody and ruthless reputation to keep everyone at arm’s length. Unfortunately, it was doing the same to him, too.

Sober Raf thought her to be some type of witch who went around torturing and enslaving innocent people. To a degree, she was. But he was always the exception.

“Ah, ” he groaned. He laid his back against the wall as he took a deep breath. “I have few memories of the time I was with him. But they are all… bad.”

“Tell me only if you feel comfortable,” she hurried to assure him.

“I do want to tell you. I wish I could tell you everything but… I don’t want you to see me like that—like a victim.”

“Raf…”

“I was helpless, Lucero. He had me on this drug that incapacitated me, so that I wouldn’t fight back and he…” Raf choked on his words. “Usually, I like to pretend nothing happened. That I wasn’t held against my will, used…”

“You don’t have to say more.”

God, but no matter how much she wanted to hear, she didn’t think she was ready—would she ever be? That man had hurt her Raf. He’d…

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she squeezed her eyes shut. Just thinking about it made her chest hurt almost as if someone’s fist closed around her heart.

“I want to believe that what happened doesn’t define me,” he continued. “But sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I didn’t deserve it.”

“What do you mean?” Her eyes flashed open, anger and shock radiating from them.

“Maybe it was payback for what I did to Michele. Maybe what happened to me just evened out the scales.”

“Raf! Please don’t talk like that. How could you say you deserved to be abused like that? No one deserves that.

”

“Logically, I’m aware of that. But there’s a part of me that tries to justify that pain with the pain inflicted.”

“He you! How is that evening out the scales?” She added, scandalized. Yet as soon as the words were out of her mouth, shame overwhelmed her. There she was, talking of rape when what she was doing wasn’t too far removed. Maybe it wasn’t violent or debasing, but it was a violation nonetheless—just like Lucero had said.

“Can we change the topic?” he inquired in a harsh voice.

“Of course,” Noelle hurried to say, realizing she’d probably pushed him too far. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, love. It’s all mine. The issues are all mine,” he added wearily.

Noelle couldn’t even rejoice at the fact that he called her All she could think of was the fact that she was trapped in circumstances of her own making. She recognized her actions for what they were—morally wrong. But at the same time she couldn’t stop, not only for herself, but for him, too.

She was simply… trapped.

Noelle put on a pleasant smile as she watched the latest supplies being loaded off into the facility. It was close to the end of the program, so as she marked off the latest crate on her inventory, she nodded at the workers.

“Good job, everyone. You can go home now.”

People gave her a salute as they trickled out of the storage facility. When she was the only one left, she quickly glanced at her watch, noting she had a quarter of an hour before the guards made their rounds.

Still keeping on her smile, she got her keys, going to the lab. Opening the door, she snuck inside, turning on the light and surveying the area.

She’d purposefully messed with the numbers on the inventory, so they wouldn’t realize that some of their batches are missing. She’d been doing it for weeks now, and considering that no one had signaled any error in the numbers, she supposed she’d done a good job covering her tracks.

Aware that time was of essence, she quickly went to the refrigerator where the doses of the drug were being stored. It was a huge, industrial sized refrigerator split into two. Since Sergio had declared he was going to focus on two drugs, those were the only ones currently being manufactured and stored.

The right row was with the stimulant, while the left was with the sedative.

Noelle opened her bag, placing five vials inside.

So far, she’d been able to amass about fifty, which should help Raf wean off the drug once they were away from the hacienda. With a little luck, he wouldn’t need as many, but she didn’t want to take any chances, especially since the ingredients were so hard to come by.

The lab team had experimented with different types of scopolamine in their attempt to create the perfect compound, and depending on the plant and region where it was synthesized from. Only some were able to create the desired effect—affect memory while still maintaining proper brain function.

The added elements only regulated behavior. But because of the particularity of scopolamine, Sergio had signed contracts with some local cartels from Colombia to provide him with the best merchandise. While she could get the other ingredients, she doubted she’d ever be able to secure the same type of scopolamine used at the hacienda.

Once she got what she came for, she turned off the light and sneaked out of the room.

“Senora? What are you doing here?” A voice called from behind as she tip-toed towards her office.

Noelle’s eyes widened as her hands reflexively tightened around her bag. Turning, she put on her haughty persona as she regarded the guard with condescending boredom.

“I work here.” She raised a brow.

“It’s after hours. El Señor told us no one is allowed to stay after hours, including you,” he suddenly said and Noelle did her best to mask her surprise.

That was… news to her.

Worry churned inside her as she wondered why he would have done that if he wasn’t suspicious of her. Had he questioned the guards about her comings and goings from the facility? Had he been investigating her?

She thought she’d taken all the precautions necessary, bribing the night guards and ensuring no one would speak about her activities. Yet that one statement made her reconsider everything. Dear God, had she been careless in any way?

“For your information, not that I have to give any account of my activity, we just finished the inventory. That’s work last time I checked, no?” She smiled sweetly at him. “So you see, it’s not after work hours since the work isn’t done.”

“Senora…”

“You can tell my husband if you wish. I’m not stopping you. You can also check my work sheet and see I’ve been signing off on the new crates of merchandise. There are even time stamps to prove my words.”

The guard pursed his lips, clearly unsure of what to do.

“I understand,” he sighed. “Just don’t wander after hours.”

“Why would I?” She shrugged. “It’s not as if there’s anything interesting to do. Good day.” She gave him a nod before she turned, ending the discussion and walking confidently out of the facility.

The moment she was out, she headed around the building, going to the car she’d stationed there and storing the vials inside a mini fridge.

Yet as she made her way back to the hacienda, she couldn’t help but sense that something was wrong. Had she truly been discovered? The thoughts continued to plague her for the rest of the evening, and after confiding her suspicions to Lucero, she decided she couldn’t take any risks—at least for now.

“The banquet is only in a few more weeks. Please have patience, Noelle,” Lucero told her.

“You’re right. But… Raf won’t take it well. You saw what happened last time. I can’t just leave him like that—with no explanation.”

“So what do you want to do?”

“I’m going to go tonight and tell him—beg him not to do anything foolish until we can escape. But I’m going to need your help.”

“What do you mean?” Lucero frowned.

“I thought I’ve taken all the necessary measures but it’s clear Sergio suspects something. I need you to change places with me.”

“I don’t understand…” Lucero muttered.

“This,” Noelle said as she took out a blonde and a black wig. “I’ll go over there disguised as you, while you make yourself seen around the hacienda as me. Our builds are similar enough that no one should be able to tell from afar.”

“But how are you going to get into the facility? I can certainly pretend to be you and prance around for people to see me. But you said it yourself that the guards are now ensuring no one can wander around after hours.”

“I’m going through the back. If anyone sees me, I’ll say the mistress sent me for some files she forgot.”

“I don’t know, Noelle… Even if Sergio thinks it’s me who went there, wouldn’t he suspect it’s for you?”

“He will. But at least he won’t think it’s a personal connection. I don’t care if he realizes I’ve been stealing from the lab as long as he doesn’t realize how much I care about Raf. The moment he does…”

“I’m not sure this will work,” Lucero sighed.

“I’m not sure either,” Noelle agreed grimly. “But if I don’t tell Raf and then I stop showing up… You’ve seen how bad he can get. Unwittingly, he’ll draw attention to us and that’s the last thing we need now. More than anything, he knows name.”

“This is a tough situation,” Lucero pursed her lips. “But I can’t think of a better alternative, so let’s do it as you say.”

When night descended, Noelle and Lucero switched their looks. Lucero took her position in the inner courtyard by a lamp, pretending to read, while Noelle returned to the facility, going to the back where trucks unloaded the merchandise.

She managed to find a nook through which she could sneak into the storage room, and after that it was all a matter of going around undetected.

Using her tablet, she monitored the corridors, going out only when she spotted the guards leaving the main hallway. She dashed out, going straight into Raf’s room.

“Noelle?” Raf asked in a soft voice as she closed the door behind her.

He was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall as he rocked back and forth.

“Raf. What’s going on? Are you okay?” She frowned. She hadn’t seen him like that before.

“I think so,” he said, though the shake of his head indicated otherwise.

She ran to his side, going to her knees in front of him. Pressing the back of her hand to his forehead, she realized he was awfully cold and sweaty.

“What happened?”

“The usual,” he cracked a smile. “They administered the drug. But I think my body’s taking it worse because of the new breaks in between.”

“God, Raf. You have no idea how much it hurts me to see you like this,” she murmured as she leaned in to kiss his face. “You have to hang on. We’re leaving at the end of the month. It’s just a couple more weeks. Okay?”

He gazed at her with so much love, she didn’t know how she didn’t burst into tears from the guilt that clawed at her.

“Okay,” he nodded. “I trust you.”

“I have some bad news though,” she started, nibbling at her lips. She didn’t know how he was going to take it and she was afraid he was going to hurt himself again.

“Did something happen to you?” he barked out, his body tensing.

“No, no.” She shook her head. “Nothing like that. It’s just that…” she trailed off as she swallowed hard. “I think Sergio suspects something. I’m not sure what, but he gave an order that no one can say after work hours at the facility.”

His brows knit together in worry.

“That means I won’t be able to come anymore. At least not like this. I’ll come to you during my work hours as before but…”

“No,” he muttered in shock. “Please don’t. Don’t leave me,” he cried out, his voice breaking her heart.

“I don’t want to, Raf. Do you think I want to be separated from you like this? But it’s the only way if our plan is going to succeed.”

“Noelle,” he croaked. “My love,” he said with so much anguish, tears started rolling down her cheeks.

He reached for her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it hard before bringing it to his mouth for a kiss—one that turned into a hundred as he proceeded to kiss her from her knuckles to her arm before reaching her face.

“Promise me we’ll never be parted again after this. Promise me we’ll always be together.”

“You already have that promise. From the bottom of my heart, Raf. I wouldn’t be able to survive without you.”

“Nor I without you,” he whispered, cupping her cheeks and staring into her eyes. “You’re the most important thing in my life. You know that, don’t you?”

She nodded as she tried to contain her tears.

“Let me love you one last time,” he murmured as he leaned in to brush his lips over her cheeks, capturing her tears one at a time. “One last time to last me until we’ll be together again.”

Noelle nodded.

“It will have to be quick. I can’t stay for too long.”

She shouldn’t have agreed, she knew that. But just as he couldn’t bear to be without her, so did she. The following weeks were going to be pure torture without his touch or the warmth of his body.

A few minutes. Just a few minutes to last her for the following weeks.

She took off her dress as she helped him undress. He was more sluggish than normal, but she put that to the nostalgia of the moment and the fact that neither wanted their interlude to be over.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she took his mouth in a searing kiss. Ever so gently, she pushed him to the floor, peppering kisses all over his jaw, neck and torso.

Before, she hadn’t had a chance to properly lavish him with attention, but she took advantage of the moment to explore his body with her mouth and hands, teasing and arousing him.

His head was thrown back, his expression one of pure ecstasy as she went lower, wrapping her hand around his hard flesh and stroking him.

Despite their arduous lovemaking sessions, he’d never let her pleasure him with her mouth, always preferring to be the one doing it to . Yet at this moment, it seemed he was too caught up in the fever of desire and the melancholy of their parting to object to it.

She kissed the tip before taking him in her mouth, twirling her tongue around him. She might not know what she was doing, but going by his harsh groans, she reckoned she was doing something right.

She didn’t want him to come just yet though. She needed him to be inside of her when that happened.

“I love you, Raf. So, so much,” she whispered as she got up, straddling his hips and guiding his erection to her entrance and slowly sinking down onto him.

Her mouth parted in awe as she felt him stretch her, his possession of her leaving a slight burn behind.

“I love you so much,” she repeated as she tentatively started moving, easing both of them into a gentle rhythm that belied the aggressive nature of their previous lovemaking.

She laid her hands on his chest as she moved with him.

Yet it didn’t take long for her to realize something was wrong.

He wasn’t touching her. His hands were flat by his side, his eyes still closed.

“Raf?” She called his name as she stilled on top of him. “Raf,” she repeated, leaning forward to grab his chin.

She shook him, but there was no response.

Her eyes widened as panic flared in her chest.

She scrambled off him, pulling him up into a sitting position as she tried to rouse him. Yet all her efforts were in vain.

She tried to spray him with water, shake him, even slap him.

Nothing worked.

He was still breathing, but his pulse was barely palpable.

With no care for herself or the consequences of her actions, she dashed out of the room, going to her office where she had an emergency kit for overdoses. She didn’t know if that was what was happening, but based on how he was behaving, she thought it very likely.

There were two types of emergency injections that they used to counteract the effect of the drugs, one for the stimulant, one for the sedative.

Noelle brought both with her.

“Raf, please…” She cried out, her throat raw. “Don’t you dare die on me. Not now. Not ever!”

She quickly searched for a vein, but as she reached for the shot, she hesitated.

He hadn’t behaved normally, had he? Certainly not how she’d learned he acted while on the stimulant. If she made a mistake and she administered another sedative while he was already sedated… She would kill him.

One wrong option and she could very well kill him with her own hands.

Saying a small prayer, she chose the other injection. He’d never behaved like that before while under the stimulant, so she was confident it couldn’t be that.

Good God, had they switched his drug?

They’d done tests before on that, and almost all the subjects had died because the body had been unable to withstand the cocktail of drugs.

“Please Raf,” she croaked as she brought the syringe to his vein, piercing his skin and injecting the cure into his body.

She waited five long minutes with her heart in her throat, tears running down her cheeks.

At last, he drew in a sharp breath, his fingers twitching as a soft groan escaped his lips.

“Raf,” she slumped against the floor, feeling as though she’d aged a thousand years in just a few moments.

He didn’t answer. He still wasn’t conscious. But his pulse had recovered, and he reacted to pain stimuli.

Noelle was reluctant to leave his side, but she knew he needed more help than she could give him. Even as everything rebelled inside her body, she got up, put her clothes back on and erased every trace of her in the room.

She laid a kiss on his brow, holding him close as she told him how much she loved him—that they would soon be together, far, far away from this place. She feasted her eyes on him once more before she went out the door, locking it behind her.

The moment she was outside the building, she rang one of the alarms, knowing the doctors on duty would check on all the subjects.

She was aware of the danger of being spotted and the fact that by dallying next to the facility she was practically inviting them to catch her there. Yet she couldn’t leave until she made sure that a doctor came in to see Raf.

Minutes passed. The alarm continued ringing. Noelle watched anxiously on her tablet as the door to Raf’s room opened, one of the doctors coming inside. Noting he couldn’t wake him up, he started to perform a routine check up before bringing in a mobile IV bag and hooking it to his body.

More minutes passed. Finally, Raf could move more than just a few fingers, his eyes opening as he wet his lips.

“N…” he tried to speak, but it proved too much for him. He blinked a few times before he went back to sleep.

Noelle still didn’t leave.

She was huddled in a corner in the back of the building, the tablet clutched in her hands as she waited for the doctor’s pronouncement.

“He’s fine,” the doctor finally told one of the guards. “Just a small scare, nothing else.”

It was at that moment that she could finally breathe out in relief, although it was a momentary thing as a multitude of other emotions rebelled inside of her.

How could she not have seen it?

How could she have continued on despite sensing that something was wrong with him?

She bit her lip as anguish threatened to overwhelm her.

Damn it all, but he could have died because of her!

Making her way back to the hacienda, she signaled to Lucero to meet her back in the room. Lucero, seeing the grim expression on her face, automatically knew something had gone wrong.

“Noelle? What…” she didn’t even finish her words before Noelle broke down in front of her, recounting everything that had happened and telling her how the guilt was suffocating her.

“He was unconscious, Lulu. I didn’t realize it, and I…” she trailed off, unable to verbalize the truth.

If before she’d had an excuse, there was none now. He’d been on the verge of death and she’d kept going. She’d…

“Shhh. He’s fine now. You need to calm down, Noelle. He’s fine and he will get better by the time the banquet comes around.”

“But don’t you see, Lulu? You were right all along. If only I hadn’t gone there…”

“If you hadn’t gone there, he would have overdosed,” Lucero told her squarely. “If you had not been there to administer the antidote, he would have .”

“But I… He was unconscious and I kept… He looked dead, Lulu. He…”

Noelle was barely making sense, loud sobs racking her body as she struggled to breathe in and out as Lucero instructed her to.

“What happened, happened. You can’t change that now. What’s important is that you noticed he was having issues and you saved him. You can’t beat yourself up anymore for things out of your control.”

“That’s just the thing, Lulu. They are out of my control now. But if I’d let him go. If I hadn’t bought him at that auction… None of this would have happened. Maybe his family would have found him and now he’d be home. I was selfish and stupid and too fucking in love with him to see what my actions could unleash.”

“You don’t know that,” Lucero observed. “Who’s to say he wouldn’t have been bought by someone else. You have no way of knowing. You need to stop looking at the past and the what-ifs, Noelle. What’s done is done. You can’t undo the past, you can only shape the future. And the only way to a future is to make sure our plan works for the banquet. That also means you can’t go to him anymore.”

Noelle nodded numbly.

“I’ll watch him from my tablet,” she whispered.

“You should probably stop seeing him during the day as well. You don’t know who might be spying on you for el señor.”

“Don’t ask me that, Lulu,” Noelle shook her head. “Anything but that…”

“The future, Noelle. That’s what we’re trying to guard now. You need to be more objective and not let your feelings interfere with it. I know you love him, but he will be much safer if you keep your distance from him.”

Noelle was quiet as she mulled over her words. Logically, she knew Lucero made sense. But practically? How was she to avoid Rafaelo for a few more weeks? How was she to simply ignore he was a few doors down from her?

“Alright,” she finally answered, though that one word cost her everything.

If tonight hadn’t happened, she would have never agreed to such a plan.

But the scare was still too raw. All she knew was that she could never withstand that type of shock again.

She needed to keep Raf safe. Even if that meant safe from