The Moral Dilemma: Chapter 18

THE FOLLOWING MORNING, Noelle was very chipper, a wide smile painted on her face from the moment she woke up.

“What has you so happy today?” Lucero asked groggily. She was utterly hungover and could barely move around without feeling ill. “You’re not feeling sick. How?” she groaned, chugging more water.

“You drank more than me.” Noelle shrugged. “And it was your first time drinking. Maybe that’s why?”

Lucero shook her head, heading back to bed.

“I’m calling in sick today,” she mumbled.

“Good. Stay in bed and keep hydrated. I’m going to work,” Noelle declared, taking great care with her appearance.

“You’re not going to him again, are you?” Lucero raised a brow.

“Well… Not exactly. Maybe.” Noelle smiled. “I’ll see.”

“Just be careful. You don’t want something to happen to you like last time.”

“I’ll be careful,” she promised, heading out and leaving Lucero to rest.

She almost skipped on the way to work—that’s how happy she was. Although she was very sore between her legs, it had all been so worth it, she would have done it a thousand times over. In fact, she was ready to do it again.

Starting the day as usual, she went to her office and checked some reports, paying special attention to Raf’s sheet. He’d said the drugs put him in a perpetual state of near-arousal. She’d had to ask one of the doctors about that, since she was curious what it was that caused it. As far as she knew, they hadn’t had that problem with the original formula she’d overseen.

When she was done, she checked the footage, noting Raf was in the shower.

Licking her lips in anticipation, she took out a mirror from her bag, checking her make-up and making sure everything was in place.

Her belly was in knots as she imagined having him inside her again… God, but it was all she could think about.

Satisfied with her appearance, she took the keys, heading for his door. She plugged the key in, opening it and stepping inside just as he turned off the water.

Her lips were stretched in a wide smile as she opened her mouth to speak.

Yet as soon as he saw her, a deep scowl permeated his features. Slowly, it gave way to anger before he barked at her.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Noelle’s eyes fluttered in confusion for a moment before disappointment sank in.

He was coming towards her, and she knew he wouldn’t let her go—he now saw her as the enemy. So she did something that cost her more than anything—she turned back and locked the door in his face.

Tears stabbed at her eyes as she made her way to the other room, locking herself inside and taking a seat on the bed to calm herself.

What had she been thinking? That one moment together would magically make his memories come back? It wasn’t as if he forgot them intentionally—it was all a chemical process of the brain. She’d known that all along, but she’d still hoped that… that he might recognize her.

It was only after she calmed down that she went next to the wall, laying against the cold concrete and releasing a weary sigh.

“Raf?”

“Lucero?” His voice immediately sounded through the wall, and she winced at the name he used.

They’d shared the most special moment together and he couldn’t remember it. She wanted to howl in pain, but she could only blame herself for she’d known it… She’d known he might not remember and she’d still done it.

“I’m here,” she answered weakly.

“Please be careful. I saw ,” he said, his words imbued with venom. “Noelle Villanueva. She’s around. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Her heart ached.

“I won’t,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Hey, are you okay? You don’t sound good. Please tell me nothing happened.”

“No… Not really,” she lied—or, made a poor attempt at lying for he seemed to see right through her.

“What happened? Tell me,” he demanded, his voice sounding closer.

“Nothing, just… Life can be disappointing, you know?” she sighed.

“Talk to me,” he said in a gentler voice.

More tears rolled down her cheeks as she tried to keep the anguish from her voice. She huddled against the wall, her knees to her chest as she told him—not the truth, but a truth nonetheless.

“It’s just loneliness. I wish… I wish I could be by your side.”

Not a moment later she was startled by a loud bang in the wall.

“Don’t say that,” he said in an anguished tone. “It’s killing me to know I’m here and you’re… there. That I’m not by your side.”

“Me too, Raf,” she whispered. “You have no idea just how much…”

They spent an hour talking, and Noelle tried her best to put on a happy front, so he wouldn’t realize how close she was to breaking. She made an excuse that she needed to be somewhere and left—something she would have never imagined herself doing.

When she made her way back home, the happiness she’d displayed earlier was long gone, and Lucero was quick to notice.

“What’s wrong?” she asked as she brought dinner inside.

“I fucked up, Lulu,” Noelle whispered before she simply burst into tears. She ended up telling Lucero everything; how she’d gone to him at night while he’d been on drugs and how they’d made love until dawn.

“And he doesn’t remember?”

Noelle shook her head.

“He doesn’t remember anything, Lulu. And I knew he wouldn’t. Of course I knew.” She gave a dry laugh. “I knew and I still did it.”

“Noelle…”

“You don’t have to tell me. I know,” she gulped down. “I was selfish. I was fucking selfish and now I’m paying the price because he’s never going to remember what we shared.”

“Why don’t you tell him the truth then?”

“Now? After what I’ve done?” She turned her horrified gaze to Lucero. “He’ll hate me even more.”

“You don’t know that. He understood it last night. He’ll understand it sober too.”

“I can’t… Not yet. Maybe when we leave here. But until then… My God, Lulu. I really fucked things up, didn’t I?”

“I’m sure he will forgive you. He loves you—I know he does. If you explain everything there’s no way he won’t understand.”

“I hope you’re right. But even so… He won’t remember,” she uttered hopelessly.

Lucero sat down next to her, hugging her and letting her cry.

She cried for minutes on end as her guilt and her regrets surged to the surface.

She’d been wicked. And she would pay the price for it.

“Here, have some tea. This should help you calm down a little,” Lucero said as she brought a cup to her.

“Thank you,” Noelle strained a smile.

“Was it… good?” her friend asked tentatively.

Noelle knew immediately what Lucero was referring to, and she nodded, a blush staining her features.

“It was so good, Lulu,” she sighed. “More so than I could have ever imagined. And now I’m the only one who remembers.”

His fingers dug into her ribcage as she tightened her arms around him. Her breath was out of control as she felt her orgasm overtake her. He continued fucking her, each thrust more powerful than the one before until she felt him shudder against her, spilling himself deep into her body.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he groaned in her ear.

“I’m not the only one who’s hot.” She winked at him as she climbed off his lap. The hour was nearing for her to leave, yet as always, she found herself reluctant to.

Raf leaned back on his elbows, his eyes almost black as he watched her search for her clothing.

“Come here,” he said as she picked up her dress from the floor.

Noelle raised her brows at him but complied, going to his side. She thought he was going to give her another kiss before it was time to leave, but he surprised her by throwing her on the bed and nestling between her spread legs.

“This,” he said as he traced the seam of her sore sex. His cum was leaking out of her and running down her thighs. “I love watching you like this,” he murmured as he brought a finger to her opening, pushing his seed back inside her. “I love knowing you always carry me with you. That you’re marked with my essence.”

“I love it, too,” she whispered shyly. “But now I need to go,” she said as she moved to get up from the bed.

“Not so fast,” he announced, dragging her back and holding her hostage.

“Raf,” she chided softly. “You know I can’t stay.”

“I know. But I’m not ready to let you go. Not until…”

Her brows furrowed in question, yet it became clear what he had in mind as he cupped her ass, spreading her for him before diving between her legs. His mouth was on her clit before she could say another word, and though she was already worn out from coming too many times, she couldn’t help the tremors that overtook her body as he teased her mercilessly, sucking, nibbling, licking.

His mouth was everywhere, and he wouldn’t be satisfied until she came yet another time.

“Raf, stop. I can’t… I’m too sensitive,” she cried out as the sensations intensified. She didn’t think she’d be able to come again—not after he’d already put his mouth on her twice before, making her come until she saw stars.

He’d said it was to get her ready for him, because he didn’t want to hurt her. She had the vague impression that he simply enjoyed eating her out too much—maybe even more than she did.

Her clit was sore and swollen, and as he continued to suck on it, she felt a mix of pleasure and pain spear with her.

“I can’t…” she mumbled, her fingers clutching at the sheets.

“You can. Give it to me. Show me how pretty you are for me when you come, Noelle,” he murmured softly, blowing hot air onto her sex before resuming his assault.

She was so sure she wouldn’t be able to come again that when she did reach that pinnacle, she screamed at the top of her lungs, the sensation so intense she thought she’d black out.

“There. That’s it,” he praised. “Come for me, pretty girl,” he commanded as he continued to pet her.

“You’re insane,” Noelle breathed harshly as she came down from her high.

Yet as Raf raised his head from between her legs, it was to give her a mischievous smile. One that was boyish and beautiful and it made her heart sing.

It had been more than a week since their first night together, and though she’d told herself every day that she wasn’t going to go back again, she always did. It was too addictive, too… heavenly. And now that she’d tasted that type of pleasure that only could give her, she didn’t know how she was to resume her life as if nothing happened—as if her very life hadn’t been changed.

“I’m insane for you,” he chuckled, his mouth trailing down her inner thigh before he bit her.

“Ah.” Her eyes widened in shock, especially when he sucked on the skin until blood pooled near the surface, leaving a huge mark behind.

“It’s our little secret,” he said, laying a kiss to the area. “It’s so you know you belong to me and only to me.”

Noelle blushed profusely at his words.

Though she’d now seen him every day during the night, she continued to visit him as Lucero during the day, too. It was not something she was proud of, but it was something she couldn’t stop doing—something that had become as imperative to her being as the air she breathed.

Yet between those visits she’d come to notice the differences in the Raf she talked to during the day and the one who fucked her during the night. Though she knew he was under the influence of the drug, she couldn’t help but make the distinction between the two of them.

Where one was tender and sometimes shy. The other was bold and confident. Where one was romantic and sweet, the other was sexual and domineering.

It was almost as if there were two Rafs residing in the same body—one that was the perfect gentleman, and one who was the perfect lover.

Was it the drug that removed all his inhibitions; that made him become free of everything that held him back before? But more importantly, was this who he was when there were no regrets and no self-imposed limitations?

Noelle loved both versions of him. One took care of her emotional needs while the other took care of her physical ones. She couldn’t have found a more perfect man if she wished.

Yet not all was well. Especially since she that what she was doing was wrong. She knew it and still did it. She told herself she would confess her wrongdoings at some point and he would forgive her. He loved her too much not to forgive her, right?

“I need to go,” she said as she leaned to give him a quick kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he whispered against her mouth, catching her lower lip between his teeth and sucking it in his mouth.

Her eyes were drawn to his lap and the realization that he was still hard. He hadn’t been lying when he’d said the drug was keeping him in a near-arousal state that turned into utter arousal whenever she came into the room. He was simply insatiable.

No matter how many times he fucked her, he was still ready for another round. And as much as Noelle wanted to keep up with him, she couldn’t tarry any longer, nor did she think she could take him inside her again since she was already sore.

“I’m leaving,” she announced, hoping he would let her go. She quickly glanced at her wristwatch, noting that dawn was quickly approaching.

She usually made her way back to the hacienda before dawn so that she wouldn’t risk meeting anyone and raising any flags. But with every day, it was becoming harder and harder to leave, not just because she didn’t want to, but because Raf didn’t want to let her go.

She wrestled with him as she managed to get off the bed. Picking up her dress, she slid it over her head, pulling it down her body before putting on her shoes.

Raf was on his side, unabashedly naked as he watched her with a dangerous intensity.

“I have to go,” she sighed. “You know I don’t want to,” she tried to explain.

He didn’t answer, merely looking at her as his lips slowly curled up.

With one last smile, Noelle turned towards the door.

Yet she didn’t manage to reach it before she was slammed against the wall from behind. Her eyes widened.

“Raf?” she asked, confused.

“Not yet,” he spoke against her ear. “I need you,” he whispered.

“I need to get back, Raf. There’s no time,” she said, fighting to keep her dress over her ass as he tried to pull it up. She was no match for his strength though as she heard a rip in the material before he pushed it over her ass.

“Five more minutes,” he rasped. “Just five more minutes. I need to know you’re mine,” he said in a needy voice.

She tried to move but he took hold of her arms, immobilizing them above her head. His mouth was on her neck as he peppered open mouthed kisses all over her skin, sucking it in and leaving more marks on her.

“You’re mine,” he let out a low growl just as she felt his cock at her entrance.

“Raf… Not now…”

Her words were drowned out by a loud hiss as he sank into her in one thrust. She was still too sensitive from before and despite loving the feel of him inside of her, she couldn’t help but wince when he started moving.

He kept her still against the wall, his big body on top of hers. One hand held onto her wrist while the other angled her ass for deeper penetration.

“Tell me you’re mine,” he demanded. “Say it. Say I’m the only one who gets to fuck you. That I’m the only one who owns you.”

“Raf…” Noelle tried to speak, but a moan caught in her throat as he moved his hand between her legs.

She was so sore, damn it! But she still couldn’t keep herself from wanting more, from wanting everything he could give her.

“Tell me!” he repeated right as he sank his teeth into her shoulder, biting so hard he drew blood.

The sudden pain made her scream as she felt her walls clench around him.

“I’m yours,” she whimpered. “Only yours. You own me.” She closed her eyes, leaning into him as he lapped at the bite mark. “My body. My soul. You own all of me.”

“That’s it. Fuck,” he muttered, letting go of her arms as he pulled her closer to him. His thrusts increased in speed as his palm molded to her throat, squeezing lightly as he continued to bite and suck on her skin, not leaving one spot untouched. “I want to fucking imprint myself on you.”

“It’s too much. Raf,” Noelle moaned. There was too much sensation and she tried to get away from him, but he wouldn’t let her. He tightened his hold, pistoning in and out of her until she had no other choice than to let loose. How could she still be in control of her body when he had the power to wring orgasm after orgasm from her even when she felt it impossible?

“Not too much. Never too much. Take it. Take me. Take everything I have to give you,” he rasped just as he came inside of her, his warm release coating her insides. Still, he didn’t stop. He continued to fuck her, rutting her almost like a beast.

Noelle was out of breath as she braced her hands on the wall. But that was all the incentive he needed to dig his fingers into her ass, gripping her closer to him and deepening his thrusts. He withdrew almost all the way out before he pushed back inside of her. His cum leaked down her thighs, spattering everywhere as he increased his speed.

“Raf… Raf… Raf…” Noelle chanted, her eyes growing wide. What the hell was he doing? She felt numb but overly excited at the same time. Every little nerve in her body was suddenly awake and she felt on the brink of passing out.

“So hot. So fucking hot and so full of my cum,” he said through gritted teeth.

Noelle was between a state of arousal and confusion as she didn’t know what was going to happen next. He’d already come yet he was still fucking her. Was he going to continue it forever… Yet just as that thought arose in her mind, he let out a guttural groan as his cock spasmed inside of her—shooting even more cum?

She might not be overly knowledgeable, but surely that wasn’t normal?

“You’re so warm, so tight. I wish I never had to leave your pussy,” he whispered as he hugged her, laying his chin on her shoulder. “Wish I could tie you to me,” he murmured, licking her neck.

Though she was barely conscious of what was happening, Noelle realized it was her cue to go or he’d never let her leave. She slowly disentangled herself from him and after giving him a quick kiss, she finally managed to sneak out of the room.

As she hurried out of the facility and towards the hacienda, she pulled at the dress the best she could, though it was already destroyed. She was sore and tense all over.

How many times had he taken her? She’d lost track at some point, just like she’d lost count of how many times she’d come. Never in her life had she thought it possible to come repeatedly, each orgasm stronger than the last, but Raf worked to prove her otherwise every single time.

More cum slipped down her thighs, creating a smacking sound as she walked. Just like he’d promised, he had pumped her so full of his seed that she was overflowing with it. She was sticky and the constant feeling of having something leak out of her vagina wasn’t something she was overly comfortable with.

she thought to herself. Though she was reluctant to wash him off of her, she knew his cum would soon crust on her skin—it had happened a few times before. She also needed to mask the marks he’d given her.

She sneaked inside the house, going straight to her apartment. Tip-toeing around the area, she hoped Lucero wouldn’t hear her. But it was too late as she appeared in front of her. Eyes wide, Lucero looked her up and down, her features morphing into horror.

“What happened to you?” she uttered in a low voice. Coming towards Noelle, she barely dared to touch her.

“Nothing. Just…”

“You were with him again,” Lucero stated accusatorially. “He hurt you.”

“He didn’t hurt me, Lulu.” Noelle rolled her eyes. “Yes, I was with him, but he didn’t hurt me at all.”

“Noelle, look at yourself. You’re covered in bruises from head to toe and you’re telling me he didn’t hurt you? How delusional are you?”

Noelle’s eyes flashed at the insult.

“These aren’t bruises,” she hurried to defend him.

“What’s this?” Lucero pointed to her neck. “What about this.” She then pointed to her arms and legs. “And this, and this? You’re in bruises, Noelle!” she said, horrified.

Noelle frowned. Side-stepping Lucero, she went to the wall-sized mirror in her room to take a look at herself.

Her eyes widened at what she saw, but she still didn’t think it was bad. So he’d put a few marks on her. Nothing a little makeup wouldn’t cover. She’d known what he was doing from the beginning and she’d enjoyed it. She just didn’t realize it would be so visible.

“I’ll cover them with makeup.”

“That’s not the issue and you know it! He’s dangerous and you keep seeing him.”

“He’s not dangerous. He’s just… These are love bites, nothing more. So he’s a little rough with me sometimes, but I like it.”

“You like it,” Lucero repeated, shaking her head. “Fine, let’s say you like being hurt like that. That doesn’t change the fact that you kept seeing him when you said you wouldn’t.”

“I can’t stay away,” Noelle admitted with a sigh. “I don’t care what he does to me. I just want to be him.”

“What about what doing to him?”

“What do you mean?” Noelle frowned.

“You said it yourself, Noelle. He doesn’t remember anything. Those drugs take away his memories. You cried to me about it but you still did it again. You slept with him knowing he won’t remember,” Lucero pointed out.

Noelle’s cheeks reddened for she knew exactly where Lucero was going with this. It wasn’t something she hadn’t debated all over again, knowing fully well how wrong it was but unable to stop herself from doing it again and again.

“If he could remember, he would approve,” she gave a feeble reply.

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do. He loves me.”

“He loves the person he thinks he’s talking to.”

“No, you’re wrong. When he’s on the drug, he knows it’s me.”

“And then he forgets it. Can’t you see how messed up that is?”

“Maybe.” Noelle shrugged. “But he loves me just as much as I love him. In fact, he can barely let me go when it’s time to leave.”

“Because he’s on that drug! How do you even know that’s the real him?”

“I just do. He is my Raf and I love him. And he loves me.”

“You keep repeating that, but do you have any other defense?”

“Lulu, why do we have to keep arguing about this? I’m not hurting anyone. I’m just spending time with the man I love.”

“Time he does remember. Come on, Noelle, can’t you see how wrong this is?”

“No. I can’t.”

“What if the roles were reversed? What if someone was drugging you and every night he’d come to you, fuck you, then leave you with no memories of what happened. Say he did this every night—that he came, used you, then left. How would feel?”

“First of all,” Noelle started, straightening her spine. She didn’t like Lucero’s accusations one bit. “I’m not him. We’re both enjoying ourselves. And second of all, if he did do that to me, of course I would not be mad. I love him. I’d certainly want to have the memories but that can be resolved later, after he’s off the drugs. We’ll recreate all of our memories together.”

“No.” Lucero shook her head. “That’s where your logic fails, Noelle. How are you enjoying yourselves when he’s on a damn drug? When you don’t know if he actually wants that or not.”

“He does!” she protested. “This is evidence enough that he wants me,” she pointed to her marks.

“No, that’s only evidence that he’s violent, as the drug intended. You have no way of knowing what’s in his mind—if his sober self would agree to this.”

“He would…” Noelle mumbled.

“He doesn’t know , Noelle. You said you’d be okay with him coming to fuck you while you’re drugged. But what if it was a stranger? What if a stranger came and took advantage of you while you were at your weakest? What then?”

Noelle opened her mouth to answer only to close it when she had no reply.

“You wouldn’t feel the same about a stranger, would you?” she continued to twist the knife in Noelle’s chest.

Noelle bit her lip as she gave a small shake of her head.

“If a stranger did that to you, what would you call it?” Lucero asked, watching her intently.

Noelle swallowed hard, a knot forming inside her stomach.

“Rape,” she whispered. “I’d call it rape.”

“Then there you have your answer,” Lucero pointed out. “And I hope to God you know what you’re doing because this can blow up in your face in more ways than one.”

With that, Lucero turned her back to her and returned to her own room.

Noelle stared after her retreating figure, her mind continuously at war.

No, Lucero was wrong. Raf wanted her—he couldn’t even bear to let her go. He wanted her too much, one might say. How could it be when he loved her as much as she loved him?