Blessed with Thee

I was still in there deep inside, the callous walls, the blues of nights spent with Al-Souffian.

His illness was worsened by his mother. Her sudden void broke him.

His depression devoured him.

I have seen the best of him,I have seen the worse of him.

Al-Souffian in his sanity, I would add is the most graceful man I have seen. The way he walks, they way he looks, his hair textured with the wildness of the storm he is.

The sand storm.

He owns it.

It was freezing cold outside. The trembling windows were tinted with Misty droplets.

The casualties of the weather had no particular reason, Maqamah was always Cold.

I sat alone in the Garden. The morning rushed. I saw Al-Wildan join me. He has forgiven me or forgotten the past.

Even though everything is like it was before, I have completely changed.

He picks a ladybug of a leaf and showcasing it to Fateh, he elaborated on the insect.

I was in deep sleep.

A calm area.

No codes.

He rose upright asudden.

I was awakened by his abrupt action.

I saw him staring his wrist closely.

I opened my eyes widen to gain a clear view.

"Al-Souffian? " I moved closer to him.

His eyes expanding. Sight discreetly watching his own wrist.

"Al-Souffian? "

"throw it away" he breaths... The quivering voice.

"what... Al-Souffian? "I inspect his hands.

"oh Lord! " he screams. The Vanity to Lose.

He throws his wrist fanatically around in the air and stood on the bed.

"it's everywhere! " he was bewildered.

His ferocious screams, his barbaric actions. I tried to calm him but his delusions were far away from this world.

"Bug! It is on you! " he shouted.

I knew there was nothing.

"Ladyship we must leave!  They are everywhere, they are crawling on my skin! " the outcry pitiful.  He scratched his arms and his wrist mercilessly.

His ruthless attacks on his own self, his fist bleeds...he was inhumane to his body.

He threw his feet around dodging the floor, the floor was plain, empty but to him it was filled with creatures he feared.

Now I could not understand the delirium of someone who saw something that was nonexistent.

It was not non existent to him.

To him those insects, those bugs were real.

How miserable it is for someone to see horrifying sights of things that do not exist.

If you hallucinate a world you cannot pass through, you are trapped. No way out.

Suffocate

Suffocate

Suffocate

It is worse than death.

His delusions were his personal reality that he could not convince any normal person to exist.

In my attempt to silence him, I would often injure myself.

But I was his, wasn't I?

But this particular moment I was losing.

I wanted myself back.

I was tired of the screams.

I was tired of the insanity.

I was tired of the Unrealistic world.

I was tired of Al-Souffian.

In my head, all these days were spinning like a cartwheel.

Tiring rides of his often unpleasant impulsive mood swings, his undesirable uneasiness with simple objects, his strangeness. His uncomfortable comprehending sudden numbness. His howling cries in the middle of the night. The awful convictions on me. The unrealistic bizarre behavior. The shouting and screaming. The harmful self mutilation. The unintentional but apparent attacks on me. The stench of urine of him. The Madness...... The incurable inevitable Madness!

The moment fixed in me.

I wanted my life back.

I wanted to go home and sleep soundly without the fear of the man I love to kill himself silently in the night.

I wanted to lose the responsibility I have of the ill  man I had to service. I wanted to leave!  So far away that even my apologies would disperse in the way to return.

I just wanted a normal life. Like the one had before. Of silence and sound sleep.

You will forget everything, you will only remember me.

He proved too heavy for my soul.

I wanted myself back.

Those were my wishes for solidarity.

I no longer could contain the sight of his elated soliloquies!

He was still tearing off clothes of his body, his nails skinning flesh of his arms. His sonorous shoulders in a triangle, Madness. Madness.

"Lady Falaq-Naaz, would you like to have this butterfly sit on your palm" Al-Wildan asks.

"No, it requires patience and I scorn Sabr, it invalidates you"

I walked inside my bedroom and sat down.

No medicines have worked. It is only Dar-Al-Maqamah that keeps him grounded. Or not?

I saw outside the half open door, an Al-Souffian with Al-Wais could always be seen. Or I suppose, Al-Wais with Al-Souffian can always be seen.

I went to the kitchen now my sorrow dipped in oil, Olive oil.

My heart aches.

"Ladyship, Master Al-Hassan calls for you" the new maid comes to me as I rubbed my cheeks.

"Master Al-Hassan? " I was perplexed. I thought we had our conversation.

I trudged to his room, my feet limping with pain. Carrying a child is hard.

"Yes Al-Hassan " I entered the room dragging my feet.

"Falaq-Naaz sit" he moves from his piano that has never been played in the house to the low stool.

I sat at the piano chair, my fingers moving around the black and white keys.

The Melody sounds haunting when it echoes.

"Falaq-Naaz? " he looks at me with so much affection.

"Al-Hassan, who you still write to Miss Scarlett Rosalind?" I enquired.

"Not much often. Seldom. I am glad you came back"

"Mr Rahim informed me or else there was no one who would like to see me her--us here. ...It is not even his fault " I stated and thought to myself how Al-Souffian was the hidden victim of this twisted tale.

"No...I would certainly send for you.. I missed you" his gaze intensifying.

"I would not assert this but Al-Hassan, when you told me of your feelings about Miss Scarlett, I thought you were right. Repeating your father's mistake would be foolish. In the City I met her, my brief judgement about her with constant meeting altered. She isn't what she was to me when I heard you. She is kind. She is beautiful but inside. When I step back and look at this. I do not regret that decision. Not anymore. Someone like you and someone like me would never get along. We would be each other's strength to continue sorrowfully; because you and I,we love to be Sad"

"Ladyship Al-Hassan is a bad choice and here is why" he held my hands and we sat on the bed. He removed his leather gloves and again returning his hands to me he continued "He has a habit of clinging to things. He has no identity outside his trauma. He is terrified of losing the melancholy because it is his identity. He thoroughly lives on it. Outside that he has nothing to blame. So he could never let things go. He has difficulty in being happy because presently he thinks of it as an unknown world. Trust me Lady Falaq-Naaz ,his sadness is not his fate, it is his need. He must be Sad to Endure"

"what are you speaking of Miss Falaq-Naaz!?  I and you understand each other" Al-Hassan's voice seeps in my ear.

"No... We pity each other" I stated.

There was silence.

"I love you Miss --"

"You Bast*rd! You traitor!  You ! No Real men sard with another man's wife!" The fiery leather gloves impetuously punched Al-Hassan!

"Al-Souffian! " I stepped between the brothers.

But he was angry and the Anger in him is like a volcano, orange and bright... Fire..... Fire like. Lava, boiling, thirsty, Scarlett.

"Please! " I screamed, everybody gathered.

They were separated.

Al-Hassan did not move,he was ashamed.

I took Al-Souffian's hand, pulled and struggled to drag him to his room.

I closed my eyes.

This should not have happened.

"Why! " I scream to the heavens.

"Why!  Why are you doing this to me! " I screech to the Lord!

"Because he likes you less than me" Al-Souffian spoke.

My head was down, he picked me in his arms and my head now rested on his heart.

"Abhor thy negligence

That falls from ye face

In thou shalt reside my soul

Even if thou won't reside with me

I admit to have loved weak

I admit to have loved weaknesses

In crimson paper would thy

Agree to tie with me

Even though thou shalt never

Seek me

If art in heaven the Lord listens

If thou seeks for him

Let him be blessed with thee" he recited with his beautiful voice to which faintly my memory refreshed.

"You wrote this...? " I had no words to express.

"It is not the lord, it is Mine prayer Ladyship. You suffer because I asked for you... For me. I kneeled and I made duas to for you. It so happened that he listened to me before he heard you.. Sadly"

I covered my mouth with my hands, the warm breath collecting in my dainty hands. The collision of fate.