Cinnabar Circles

I pondered upon the meticulously typed sheets.

"Al-Souffian are they yours? " I questioned him.

He was immersed in the newspaper, he finds it rather amusing than bias. I find them biased.

I opened the library, the books were new,the covers colorfully joyous, the aroma of papers subtle, the edges sharp and the hence more paper cuts to bred.

I was settling in the small apartment.

Rat Bill - the new name Al-Souffian appointed for the house.

The house was ceremoniously bright for our dull souls.

It was ten past forty five.

We eat late, sleep late and he wakes up at four in the morning. Myself at around eight.

He had his boiled peas and I, chicken nuggets.

I looked at him.

"I hope you wouldn't be late tonight. I will await you" he reported.

I gazed him under the dim bright yellow lights of the candid apartment. His eyes with the heaviness of tiredness. His sharp nose, the sheen of his light hair and the clench upon his jaw.

"Ladyship? "

I jerked back into my sense.

"yes, I'll be there soon"

I washed the dishes and sat on the counter.

I sighed.

Well, moss, Rain, Storm at the shore.

I took acidic steps into his neutral aura.

"Al-Souffian?"

I called his name, the eyes move from underneath the spectacles to inspect me.

"Come" He opens his palm. I put my hands in his.

"You look awful " he asserted bitterly.

I laughed. He is uncertain.

"No it was not a joke" he added.

I laughed harder.

"Are you alright Lady Falaq-Naaz? "he doubts my sanity.

"To be really really honest, I am not. I laugh and laugh .....and I feel like if I would start to cry right now I wouldn't stop. I feel defiant to defy every emotion in me.... But the truth is I am irregardless of constantly diplomatic tries not immune to Sadness. I am in deep fright if not, then I feel detached from emotions itself"

He breathed in curtly.

"You are depressed " he stated.

He looked stern, the nor happy neither sad, the derisively craved frame. He does not understand the language of hearts.

"I am sorry" I moved away.

"If people were as small as their courage, nobody would be living. Bad people would go hunting everyday and slaughter the small hopes of small hearts. We are all hiding under the bark of the tree of laughter, some under the dignified voice, some under evoking Beauty, some under mischievous mischief ,some under the bare pleats of kindness..... "

I heard him carefully... Never before have I heard the unsaid in him.

"and some? " I returned my hand in his.

"Some beneath the dry humour of Cynical eyes with Cinnabar circles"

I caught the grip with my hands and placed my forehead on his Blue cold hands.

"I don't know what I am doing... I am  scared" I confessed.

"I cannot help you Ladyship " he failed me.

He feels so distant and cold.

I cried yet again.

"Why did you Choose me? " a sudden question opens up my eyes.

After answering many, the valid repetitive question 'Why not Al-Hassan? ' it came the fearful question  'Why Al-Souffian? '. The question that I never thought about, the answer which was an uneventful aftermath of the mournful day.

But when he asked 'why me? ' something, like the uneasy air of the Universe harboured out the rage on me. Al-Souffian because Al-Hassan was too beautiful, Al-Souffian because Al-Hassan was melancholy, not Al-Hassan because he was The kindest, Al-Souffian..... But why Al-Souffian?  Because I did not choose Al-Hassan, every door to this question led to misleading answers. I did not think about choosing Al-Souffian, I only thought of not choosing Al-Hassan and it was the reality.

"Why me? " he asks again.

My back regained the strength and rose. I sighed.... Cautiously, pretending  like a thief,my guilt overflowing in harmony with my apologetic concerns.

"I don't know" I airily stated.

"There must be a reason " he stressed.

The reason was because I  did not want Al-Hassan, he was more and you were less.

I shook my head shamefully.

"You don't look awful" he said facing away.

I looked at him, half as Handsome but beautiful as he is. Al-Souffian you did not deserve me. You are worth more.

"I want to make this work but I don't know if I mean it" I confessed another set of words.

His nimble fingers caught the back of my head.

"We will try when you are ready to love me entirely. Be sure before you admit because once you agree there would be no backing out"

He warned me.

I rested my head on the pillow.

"How do feel about everything? " I asked him curiously.

"How would you feel when you would be married one certain day in the middle of the night to a woman you partly ignore, partly understand who has accepted you in the Nikah but now is a prey of her manifestation "he jolted a taunt at me.

"I apologize "

"Forgiven " he whispered.

Next morning we were arguing on the validity and honesty of the newspaper.

The door knocked.

There was skinny tall girl in boy shorts and tank top, her mouth was red and her eyes big and beautiful.

"Bonjour" she exclaimed.

I saw Al-Souffian examining her.

"pouvez-vous parler français" she stated.

"What!? "

Al-Souffian attends "Oui"

She laugh coarsely.

I already don't like her.

Then they both had a conversation that I wasn't a part of because surely I wasn't learning languages for twenty seven years.

"What did she say? " I asked slamming the door hotly.

"well, I do not think you need to know"

"Listen Al-Souffian, I am your wife "

"Well, we will try to make. It. Work. When. you. Are. Ready.  Till then I do not owe you anything. Not answerable to a woman "

I flared.

The door knocked again, I opened the door, a tall Man with a crown smile stands on the entrance "Hello, my girlfriend met you guys, we're you're neighbors. I'm James and you? "

I looked at Al-Souffian and this was my turn and I would explicitly use it.

"I am Falaq" I said.

"She's my wife " Al-Souffian interjected.

"Oh great!  She did invite you for dinner, right?  So you guys do join us tonight"

"No thank you" Al-Souffian bashed the door.

"Rude! " I exclaimed.

He pushed me on the sofa and said "Are you ready? "

I gulped "What nonsense! "

"Are you ready to make it work, you shall answer me NOW! " he sneered

Unbuttoning his cuffs and removing his coat.

"Not yet ready" I immediately uttered.

"The farcical Falaq-Naaz " he said running his finger in my hair.

I stared in the specks of grey in his eyes.

"Al-Souffian... This is uncomfortable " I trembled.

He stood upright. "You may leave "

I escaped into the other room and breathed out.

How long can I keep him away?

He is a Man  after all.

The night was skeptically forming it's charm.

I was irrelevantly stroking my arms around the kitchen.

I saw Al-Souffian in the bedroom, he should have slept but he is awake.

From beneath the spectacles his eyes alarm me.

"Finished? " he asks.

"Yes"

"We can have some house keeping to help you"

"No it is alright" the clumsiness in the talk.

"What is it? " he questioned in the nonchalant beauty of the night. The wind from the tall, open, frame less windows playfully curl my hair, the short sounds of honking vehicles fade in the light above us. He, the beautiful night. I, the impulsive morning .

"nothing " I shook my head.

He arranges the pillows side by side. The white sheets with mauve flowers. He pulls the covers over me and I lie in the tender actions of the tough man.

"I am sorry " I apologized.

"Why? " he stated rather coarsely.

"About everything. I am sorry. I married you. I am sorry this marriage is not even valid and sorry because I don't love you" I breathed the curse out.

"I married you. It is Valid. You love me"

He so eloquently corrected.

"Is this True?" I asked him because I do not know what is, I feel unable to recognize myself in the mirror and these are feelings you can't even see them.

"I married you because I wanted to. This marriage is valid because I accepted you and you accepted me in the Nikah. And love?  What is love anyways? "

The last line stinged me like the fresh wound from the lost battle left in the past. Leftovers of the past. Unapologetic memories. Drowsy, untidy, unnecessary memoirs.

"So it doesn't matter to you whether I love you or not" I alleged.

"I find it foolish that people look for cheaper elements in a relationship like care, chemistry, attraction,affection and love. Why would I care about anything else when I have the Supreme witness my Nikah with you. Nikah completes everything" He rose his chin and accessed my eyes.  "Besides,you do Love me" he added.