Vulnerabilities

I had swollen eyes from last night's excessive crying.

When I went out, Al-Wildan stares at me.

"You look fatter" Al-Shizad stated.

"no I've just had a bad night" I reply.

"Mustn't have read Ayatul Kursi " Al-Shizad grunts.

"Why are you in a bad mood? "

"I'm always in a bad mood when you're around Ni'saa"

"Eat your food properly " I warned him. When I turned I saw Al-Wais smiling at me.

"what? " I asked.

"Nothing" he said changing his face.

Now I baked a cake for Al-Souffian because the man has been getting lashed by the older brother too many times these days.

"for you" I told him.

"it's not my birthday Miss Falaq-Naaz. Even if it were you mustn't be so kind" he states in his devilish demeanor.

"why do you make these faces? " I couldn't help asking.

"what faces? "

"these cross smiles, raised eyebrow, Dracula untold in devil's decent"

"I'm flattered " he smirked.

They all laughed.

I shook my head.

I went to the kitchen I sung my medley.

Al-Souffian came from God knows where and I jumped back in horror.

"Are you a Demon for God sake! "

I cried.

"I can be different things at the night. A. few. different. things"

" You're extremely farcical " I imitated him.

"I don't talk like that"

"wot, tok, naught for not. Seriously such an accurate accent" I praised myself.

"what shall I do then? Change it? "

"will you? And for me? " I muttered.

"you baked a cake for me. I can't be as kind as you but I can formerly do as charged "

"you don't look good even trying"

"ug-Ah I always look good" he said without a pause.

He makes me uncomfortable. The very haunting but captivating.

I shuddered my shoulders.

"Please eat quickly, Mrs Kasheefa has to do to bed early tonight, she's extremely tired." I dodged the uneasy air of him.

"The lamb escapes once again but it'd be soon there will be no way. Under lion's paw the lamb will succumb and die"

He speaks intensely looking out of the window.

I looked outside. Then at own self.

"is this directed towards me? " I asked scared of him now.

His lips fold into a smile "No, not at all Falaq-Naaz;you're not a lamb, are you? "

he really puts me off some days. In addition he is scary.

I walked past the garden in the gazebo,sat alone absorbing the vanquishing light of seldom peace. I have had my part here, i want to return. But where is my home?

This home sick stricken in late twenties seeks affiliation,in wrath of grief not then in loneliness. when they rest in their I am spared some seldon time alone which i if not cherish,cry over.

But soon i have to return somewhere where resides my permanent home,haven't they cleared enough that i am only guest, it doesn't offend me,I see this as huge favour at my back yet i do not work in this house because I have to weigh it down,I work because there is thus certain a feeling of affection I have for these young men,aged terribly ,like myself.

Sadness affectionates with sadness.

My mornings are late in comparison to the men. they rise early as 4 in the morning which i consider still night. I cooked my meal.

fetched Fateh. Forced food on the boy.

I met Al-Hassan with the lukewarm tea in the living area. He sat with his head down,his eyes always set to the floor,his soul always watching him from a distance.Him just not there in the room still his physical being lounging.

"hey! " I cried.

"Definitely sold your mind to the devil Miss Falaq-Naaz " he said with his changed pace of breath.

"Tea" I spoke.

"Thank you" he took a sip immediately.

"You make tea too many times a day" he stated.

"oh yes, I'm tea addict so I assume everybody else is"

"That's partly true" he then looked at me. I was turning away I saw a glimpse of the table covered with several red envelopes.

"Would you like to join Falaq-Naaz? I see you're off to somewhere with your tea" he offered.

I accepted.

"It's cold, isn't it? " I asked.

"I do not really feel cold... I am hot... I mean I... umm...I usually do not feel cold... "

Awkward.

I sipped.

A servant entered and handed Al-Hassan a file.

"Where is Brother?" Al-Hassan asked him.

"Master Al-Wais is in his room sir"

He then looked at me. The servant went away. I swayed my hand on the envelopes. She was right they are all the same. They smell of roses.

"They are mine" He said and shifted them to raw black bag.

"Do you love her? " I asked.

"You have mistaken me. I do not love her" he immediately answered.

"but I...." I couldn't tell him that Al-Wais had told me the the tale.

"Miss Scarlett Rosalind is a dear friend if mine, we had what with regret I consider a short termed love affair. I do not love her, I only miss her"

"I'm perplexed " I spoke my mind.

"I do not know myself. The single weary abhorrent feeling that I have in regard to Miss Scarlett is only and only Guilt. I should have silenced my heart, this whispers of the punished. I know I have did her wrong but is it someone's own hands to ever feel?"

I wondered long and hard on it.

He continued "Miss Rosalind is entirely lost inside herself like I am. I do not subject her love to the same feeble emotions like myself. If I had to tell you Falaq-Naaz how I feel, I wouldn't be able to because that too like all the abilities that I once had are lost."

In the moment I could not tell him but nearly so I felt the very same.

"Can you understand me? " He asked.

"Better than the only language I know" I spoke embracing my returning grief. I looked at him, kept the tea at the table and sighed. The tea half drank, the talk have done, the voices half spoke and the breath half breathed.

"Al-Hassan what do you feel? "

Can you catch someone in their vulnerabilities and consider them in the form. Because I do.

"Helpless and Lost " he said. "Or maybe a little bit Lonely "

I smiled because hey, same.

"you can talk to me Al-Hassan " I spoke smiling.

"those roads don't lead to good doors, I rather not Falaq-Naaz " he said with his crisp voice.

"Sure, who decides what is good anyways "

He laughed. "Sounds like Brother Al-Wais "

"It's stolen" I said smiling wider.

"what else is?" he spoke piercing the words in me.

I remained silent. His words revolved around my head. What else is?

"I have to say Miss Falaq-Naaz you are a talker, must admit a good one"

"I appreciate that "

"Miss Scarlett and I were in some kind of relationship, what? I do not know. I seldom think of love for her. I admit to missing her almost daily. We were dear to each other. My father burnt her house, I was exasperated. I kept my connection to her in form of affection then pity, now a habit. When you live in a house so large and lonely with People who always tell you be stronger, where weakness is emotions and you are emotional. There is a wall between me and spirit. Of how I should be and how I am.... How I am.... I felt love for Miss Scarlett when I was younger, she was beautiful. I wondered of ways to flaunt her,she was gorgeous. Now I had been to colleges and universities. They never had compared ever to what Scarlett was. The rare combination of a intelligent and beautiful and so much to the excess that I could not help but fall. Pride, algharur. I had to match someone to myself."

He was catching the fire in his soul and it was burning him.

"we had what we had. Soon I realized that maybe I do not love her. Slowly like a poison it spread in my veins. I do not love her but habits especially bad habits are hard to get rid of.

She was my worst habit. My best confidant. She understood me. Or shall I say she was different to me for she consoled me. Now I believe that women naturally are wonderful at healing hearts. Men are not. She was a women well equipped with the sight and knowledge of happiness. I like her. She made me happy. My standards of a relationship however are different. When she fights for me,there is heaps of guilt crushing my shoulders for I did this to her but never had I ever felt the dire need to fight for her. This is my condition for love. Unless and until I would fight for someone as much as they'd fight for me I would not consider it love. The need to be with her is empty of love and filled of regrets, do you call this Love? "

I heard him but I fraile myself in the subject.

What is love anyways?

"so I've told her a hundred of times that I don't love her but I am sadistic person Falaq-Naaz for I can't help but not her move on. I write her these letters. I do not know why? She cannot see beyond me. I cannot see beyond myself. I perhaps was fooled at times that I did love her but I know every possiblity of this relationship if it happens. I have plenty time in this house to arm myself with weapons that only load a shot above my head"

He sounded so sorrowful when said that.

"if we marry;the very next day Miss Scarlett would wonder why she ever married someone who did not fight for her whilst she did. On the other side I would never be happy either, I have a curse of sadness living with me that would accompany me to the Heavens,hopefully. Then there's this sudden realization standing at the door for her, for me. Our separation is bound to happen. Why should I then seek her? Then why do I seek her? "

She is indeed his bad habit.

"I cannot tell if I am convinced about your story but I am indefinitely muddled" I said.

"I am maze Falaq-Naaz;To myself and to the one who listens to me"