Unlovable

ANNA

Gavin made a lame excuse about showing me around his dad’s barn. Apparently, there was a difference between the ranch horses and the “show ponies,” as Gavin’s father referred to them, that Gavin raised and trained.

Not that seeing them was the real reason we were walking down the gravel path.

“I wanted to apologize,” Gavin said after several minutes of heavy silence.

“What for?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“It was wrong of me to suggest I’m using you to get back at Chelsea,” he said. “I had too much to drink around the fire pit, and I was upset with Chloe. I took that out on you. That’s not who I am.”

~Did he really think I was that dumb?~

Instead of laughing in his face, I took a deep breath. Then another.

“Gavin, you might regret it now, but that doesn’t make what you said untrue.”

For a moment, he looked like he might argue. Instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked the toe of his boot into the dirt.

“Why didn’t you tell me before about why you and Chelsea broke up?”

“It’s not something I like to talk about,” he admitted.

“So you were just going to lie about it our entire marriage? You didn’t think it would come out eventually?”

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know what I thought, Annalise. I just wanted to forget about it and move on.”

I mulled over what to say as we neared the barn. It wasn’t as large or grand as Gavin’s at the Millbrook house.

Clearly, it was built for utility and function rather than showing off prized animals.

Several stocky horses in large pens raised their heads as we approached. Gavin leaned his elbows against the wooden railing of one, and I followed suit.

A bay-colored mare whinnied before trotting over to say hello.

“When we agreed to get married, there were so many things I worried about,” I said, petting the horse’s neck. “Whether you would get bored of me. How sex might change our relationship. What we would argue about.

“But it never crossed my mind that you would deliberately hide anything from me. For better or worse, you’re the most honest person I know—almost to a fault.”

“I never lied to you.”

“No,” I agreed. “But you weren’t completely truthful, either. If you wanted to get back at Chelsea, you could have just said so. It’s not like we are some sort of epic love story. This is just an agreement.”

He chuckled. “You want honesty? I wanted you to think that I’m a good person, Annalise. Or at least someone better than I am.”

I looked up at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You never really seem to hear me when I say it, but I’ll say it again: I think you’re incredible.” He shrugged. “You’re this amazing, determined, kind-hearted woman. I want to be good enough for you.”

I tried to ignore the flutter in my stomach at his compliments. Somehow, all it took was a nice word from him in my direction to make me feel like a teenager with a high school crush.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “Have you ever thought that maybe the reason you enjoy hurting Chelsea is because you aren’t over her?”

He stared at the distant mountain range as if he was really considering my words. After a moment, he tilted his head.

“I’m over Chelsea. But I’m not over what she did. And I’m not sure how to let it go.”

He turned to me and sighed. “You were right, though. I loved her. As much as I hate to admit it, I did.”

~At least he’s admitting he can love~, I thought hopefully. One look at his deep frown told me I wasn’t going to like what he said next.

“I won’t open myself up to that again, Annalise,” he said quietly.

His words slammed into me. “What does that mean? You’re…keeping me at arm’s length on purpose? Why?”

He shook his head. “It’s like I told you in the beginning, I want us to choose to be with one another, to stand by our marriage.”

Tears stung my eyes. Of all the things he could have told me, this hurt the worst. It was one thing to think he was a cynic when it came to love.

It was another to know he was closing himself off intentionally and that I wasn’t worth the risk.

“If you can choose to stand by me because you think I’m so amazing, why can’t you just—just—just ~let~ yourself ~love~ me?”

He reached out for me. “Annalise—”

“No, Gavin.” I shook my head and took a retreating step. “Do not try to make this better. There’s a lot I could live with, but I will not marry a man who won’t admit he’s scared to care about me too much.”

“I do care about you—”

“Then choose me, Gavin!” I shouted. “Choose to love me!”

I grabbed my chest as my tears finally broke loose. Every emotion that I’d held back, every protest that I dared not speak, tore through my throat in ugly sobs.

My legs started to shake beneath me. Before I could fall, Gavin pulled me roughly to his chest. I fought it for a brief moment before surrendering to his hold.

He stroked the back of my hair as I cried into his broad chest.

“Why?” I asked. “Why am I so… unlovable?”

I felt Gavin tense.

“You are not unlovable, Annalise.”

“Then why doesn’t anyone want me?” It came out as a whisper. “Not you. Not my family.”

Gavin pulled back and lifted my chin so that I was forced to look at him.

“Do you know why I chose you to be my assistant?” he asked.

I shook my head.

“Because everyone was talking about the new girl. How everyone liked her so much and wanted to be around her. People at the office respected me, but they definitely didn’t like to be around me. Not back then.

“I made you my assistant in the hopes that my employees would see me as more approachable. Instead… you made me a better person.”

I frowned in confusion, and he gave me a gentle smile.

“You give people the benefit of the doubt. You listen when they need to talk. You think of little ways to brighten someone’s day. You’ve shown me what it means to be a selfless friend.

“When I tell you that I think you’re extraordinary, it’s not just something I’m saying to you to make you feel good. People are drawn to you. They want to be around you just because of who you are, baby girl. I would know. I’m one of them.”

He sighed and shook his head. “Please don’t mistake my faults as your own. You are not unlovable. There are plenty of people who love you and whose lives you make better.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m scared to let myself care too much. I don’t know. What I do know is that I am terrified of losing you.”

I stared up at him, looking for answers to questions I wasn’t sure how to ask. There was a time I would have accepted what he was saying and moved on. But that wasn’t working anymore. Maybe it never did.

“You can try to flatter me,” I said slowly. “It doesn’t change the fact you will never give me the one thing in the world I want.”

He started to protest, but I wiped my cheeks and continued.

“I realized something the last couple of days, Gavin. There’s been this missing piece in my heart. I thought I needed a man to fill it, that if I had a husband who cared for me, I would finally feel complete.”

“But that wasn’t the case. Being here, I remembered there’s more to love than a partner. Despite what your sister said last night, your family has welcomed me with open arms, made me feel like one of their own.

“They’ve given me a place that feels like home. For that, I would weather your rejection every day of the week.”

“I’ve never rejected you, Annalise.”

I scoffed at him and shook my head. “You know, what’s crazy is you don’t even know how lucky you are. To have a family who loves you, no matter what? It’s a blessing. One you take for granted.

“Fortunately for you, I’m used to being denied by the people I care about. And I learned something a long time ago: just because you don’t love me doesn’t mean I have to force myself to stop loving you. You should know that I won’t. I’ll love you always because that’s who I am.

“So, you can either deal with it or give me half your shit.” I met his gaze and narrowed my eyes. “Because that’s the contract you made me sign.”

With that, I spun on my heel and marched back toward the house. I could play his stupid game, but I was done pretending I was okay with his rules.

Lost in thought, I didn’t hear Gavin’s footsteps until he grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop.

“Please don’t pull away from me like this, Annalise. We are so great together. Why can’t that be enough?”

I stared up at him, willing him to see things through my eyes. All I saw was his confusion. “Gavin, I’ve never been the one to pull away.”

I looked toward the house and sighed. “You should hold my hand. Wouldn’t want your family to think we’re still fighting.”

He pursed his lips and followed my gaze. I thought for a moment he might say something.

~Just say you’ll try~, I pleaded silently.

Instead, he took my hand in his—and we continued our trek in silence.

It was hard not to feel disappointed, but I forced myself to push it aside. I meant what I told him. Being his wife meant I had a family. If I had to endure a one-sided relationship to get that, I would.