Chapter 36: The side of war no one sees.

When Jin qing returned, she had shut herself in her room so she doesn't need to hear the wails of the poor woman who was the mother of Yi ping.

Yi ping was her only son, her pride and joy. Compared to his older siblings, he was nothing, his accomplishments seeming small compared to what Kai feng, Huan le, or Jin qing had done for the country.

But to his mother, he has done enough. And now that he had sacrificed his life to protect the great Wei...

Jin qing couldn't help but blame herself.

She didn't want to hear the crying from her family for Yi Ping's death.

She didn't want to see the fake tears the first wife would shed.

She didn't want to feel the pain and heartbreak over and over again.

All she wanted was to be alone... and for Yi Ping to return from the dead.

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The Wei was celebrating this victory in this early battle. The entire country was in great spirits, partying and celebrating, congratulating the soldiers who had survived and came home to loving mothers and fathers, grateful wives and children who had gotten the chance to see their son, brother, father, or husband after so many sleepless nights of worry.

Reunited families, friends, lovers and more.

You can hear them cheering, you can see the tears of joy flying down their faces as they are reunited with someone they had thought and feared they had lost.

for all they knew, their worst fear didn't come true. The gods and the heavens had spared them and allowed them to return to the people they knew.

But no one,

No one,

Paid attention to the people who aren't celebrating.

No one cared for the fatherless child who had promised her he'll come back home alive.

No one cared for the lonely lover who is sitting by an unlit hearth, crying for the loss of dreams family with a man who had died.

No one cared for the orphan on the street as their brother's life was taken by the heavy and bloody price of war.

No one cared widow who worried about how she was going to support all her children on her own without her partner to support her.

They stare in jealousy and in anger as they watched other people rejoice. They watch as others welcome back friends and family when those very people could be themselves.

They curse underneath their breaths as their friends welcome back their own family members while they didn't.

They didn't...

They didn't survive.

They didn't come home to the lives they have built for themselves before the cold grip of death took them away from the land of the living.

War can be so bloody. The victory of a single battle will cost so many lives. And when history records the battle, they will only write the name of the emperor and the generals involved, never giving the men who had made it all possibly any credit.

Why?

That's just how the world is.

They write about the victories, they write about what was gained in every victory, never about what was lost.

No one noticed how empty the smile felt as the Xue xian smiled and toasted to the victory of the Wei.

No one noticed how tired the Xue xian looked when they all congratulated her on her excellent work.

No one noticed the hole in her heart as the Xue Xian felt what so many other people in the country felt. To them, what is lost isn't important, but rather what's gained.

And Jin qing had never felt so alone. Everyone praised her for what she had done, but as she spent more time thinking about what she had done, the heavier her heart got.

Just for this victory, she had sacrificed thousands of Wei soldiers. At the same time, she had also sent thousands of Song soldiers to their death just because they were following orders.

That man's orders.

That man wouldn't care any less on the price. He was the type of person to only care about victory and was willing to do anything to achieve it; it was how he was raised.

That man would have sent millions of men after the Wei if it meant victory and Jin qing's head. He would have killed so many people, destroyed so many waiting families.

Even though the Song was their enemy, their armies are still made of men. Men with the same amounts of people waiting for them to return just like how there are people in the Wei waiting for the soldiers that would never make it back home.

Success and victory are not built on one man's back alone, but rather on the blood and the bodies of thousands of unnamed men beneath them.

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Someone knocked on Jin Qing's door.

There was no one but Jin qing to answer it. She had dismissed her maids for the day just like she has done for the past four days. She had ignored the summons from the emperor, only answering the messengers with silence every single time they had tried to approach her room.

Had she gone mad with grief? Perhaps. Even if she did, Jin qing wouldn't know. She felt so numb, the only things she can feel was the pain of the shattered piece in her heart cutting up the rest of her body.

Painful.

She closed her eyes, wishing that she can hear Yi ping's voice again, or the blissful melody of his jade flute floating through the air-

"Jin Qing? I know you're in there."

Jin qing sighed, opening her eyes and looked down at her hands. She felt like she no longer had the face to look at Shang ye in the eye after that moment of weakness when she had cried in front of him.

"Jin qing... It's been four days and you haven't eaten anything. You need to come out eventually..."

More silence.

"I- I understand how you feel about your brother. But Jin qing, he wouldn't want to see you alone and neglecting to take care of yourself. Please, can you open the door?"

Jin qing glanced in the mirror to look at her own reflection. Her face was paler than usual, her hair and clothes plain and undecorated. Even she can tell that she had gotten thinner as some of the colors in her face faded from the stress, worry, and lack of food.

"I've brought you some food... and a game of Go. Kai feng had told the emperor that you'll be needing the rest and not to disturb you, and my brother has agreed."

Jin qing wanted something to distract herself. Sitting in idleness would only harm her as more unwanted distractions will come to haunt her. All these years of pointless socializing had made her soft... so soft.

In the past, his mother would have her whipped for such behavior.

"Jin qing? I know you're in there."

She did say anything.

Some rustling and a long creak let Jin qing know that Shang ye had sat down on the floor and had leaned against the door. He let out a long sigh "Jin qing... if you need anything, let me know. You can't always rely on yourself. Can you please let me in?"

Let him in? what for?

Jin qing can hear a heavy sigh from the other side of her door. "you want to be left alone, don't you? I can't blame you... I'd want the same if any of my siblings died."

More silence.

The creak of the door and the rustle of cloth let Jin qing know that he had stood up and left.

Jin qing let out a heavy sigh. She had wanted to let him in just so she'll have some sort of company, just so she wouldn't be alone.

But ever since she had broken down in front of him... she had found it difficult to meet his eyes.

The Xue xian... someone who was supposed to be regal, elegant, untouchable, broken in front of someone, allowing herself to look weak during a time she must be strong.

Inexcusable.

Jin qing looked sideways at the mirror, staring at her appearance. Even if she did let him in, she looked like an absolute mess.

What happened to the heavenly looking Xue xian?

Part of her wanted to give up and run away. Runaway to a place where all the pressure to serve the kingdom would leave her alone.

The countryside with her adoptive brothers and parents.

They were the only people who treated her like a human. They knew who she was, yet they still treated her as if she was their own.

Jin qing looked down at her hands

what if... What if I just fake my own death and run? No one is going to know where I am. The country is filled with capable people, some of which you have chosen yourself. The country would be fine, right?

And when that man hears of my death... yes... he would probably stop the war. He only wants me dead, that's his personality. I bet he doesn't even care about what happens in the war or who loses.

But how can I be sure? How can I be sure that this kingdom won't fall as soon as I leave? How much power does that man have? Will the war even conclude once I die? Or will the tides just tip and the Wei would lose to the Song?

Jin qing shut her eyes as she felt her nails dig into her palm.

Listen to yourself think. She scolded herself. you swore to yourself so many years ago you wouldn't abandon your duty again.

Hah... You've become so impossibly weak. How can you think this way? The Wei needs you. The emperor... Xi Jian, he relies on you too much. A kingdom without a strong leader will eventually become corrupt and collapse inwards.

If the kingdom collapses, even more people will die, and it'll be all your fault.

And you will not be the cause of an empire's collapse... not again.

Jin qing opened her eyes and turned her head to stare at the unfinished pile of work on her desk that was left there after she left for the city. She sighed and attempted to stand up, losing her balance and falling to the floor.

She gritted her teeth and tried again, this time successfully standing up. So much work to do... I can't rest.

Distractions. So many distractions.

All this is happening because she allowed herself to become lazy and relaxed. The country needed her... this isn't the time to be moping around.

Shang Ye was right. Yi Ping wouldn't want to see her like this. He would tell her to stand up and face the challenges the world gives her a sly smile because they won't know what hit them.

Just like how Jin qing would tell him whenever he was feeling discouraged.

She can feel the weight of the world rest once again on her shoulders. If she wanted to survive, if she wanted to keep everyone alive, she cannot stop.