Jane Austen to a T

When I cry I feel hopeless, helpless. Not because of why I'm crying, but because I can't even cry without having to muffle my own voice. So I sit in my closet, and close the door, put my hand over my mouth and scream. I understand that we have people in our lives who are there to help you, to ease your pain. But even those people don't understand, and it's not their fault.

So after I cried to the point where my nose was so stuffy and I couldn't breathe, I washed my face a million times, I washed away the dirt, the tears, the pain, and left no trace.

And then I slept.

///

"Ahlam..." Yusuf started, but wasn't able to finish his own sentence. Caroline had just walked past him, patting his shoulder lightly, and he looked after her, and then at me, and gave me one of those pleading looks that said, "Please understand."

And the problem was, I did. I understood him, but he was forgetting to understand me. And so I slammed my locker shut and went to AP Lang, determined to analyze Jane Austen to a T.

Mrs. Devlin would be proud of me for once today.

I walked into the room, taking my seat, surprised that I was the first one there, and I could tell Mrs. Devlin was too. And I took out the book we were supposed to read, and pretended to keep my eyes on it, while they were anything but.

Safaa walked in moments before the bell rang and didn't mention anything. It was appreciated. It wasn't like I held grudges anyway. Soon enough I'd forget what he'd said, and all would go back to normal. I attempted a smile, but I'm sure it was more of a grimace, but Safaa reciprocated back nonetheless.

It was lunch and like in the previous weeks, Yusuf was absent from his seat. We were playing UNO again and talking about how we weren't sure how to tell Yusuf that what he was doing was wrong.

"I don't understand. He knows how haram it is to date. You can't date someone like that. I just don't want him to end up doing something that he'll regret later." Safaa added picking at her naan. I took a piece of it and popped it in my mouth.

"I mean, we're not devout muslims, but there are certain rules that you don't break." I mused.

"I don't think we should say anything yet, he'll figure it out right?" Ismael pointed out, munching on some celery. I made a face. I hated celery.

Mihirmah had dropped by, getting food, and going back to lab, so it was just the three of us. Midway through Yusuf came and sat down, taking some of my halal store chicken nuggets.

"Hey guys! Are you going to prom?" He smiled brightly, the happiest I'd seen him in a while.

We all gave him a look. "We don't go to prom, Yusuf, and we includes you." I stated blankly.

"I don't know, Caroline asked me, and I think I'm going to tell my parents I'm hanging out with Ismael and go. " He answered while shrugging his shoulders as if it were no big deal.

"Yusuf, you're going to lie to your parents?" Safaa asked with bewilderment.

"It's as if you guys never lie. " Yusuf rolled his eyes, waving to the guys back at the Plastic TM table.

"Well, when we do, it's yes mama, I took iron supplements, or did all of my homework, or took out the trash-" Ismael's sentence was left hanging as Yusuf jogged over to the other table already having been engrossed in a conversation predating ours.

I put my hands on my forehead, massaging it. "I don't understand, this is Yusi, he never-" My voice cracked and I silenced myself.

///

A couple weeks later, while I was anxiously waiting for acceptance and rejection letters, my mother asked a question I didn't want to answer.

"Where's Yusuf? He usually come over once in a while." She hummed as she stirred the tomato soup.

"He's busy." I murmured scrolling through my email halfheartedly.

"Doing what?" My mother and I snorted at the same time.

"It's not like I control him, mama." I said in a sing song voice, getting up to go to my room and read the newest thriller from the library.

350 pages in I received an incoming call and answered it. "Ahlam, guessssssss whaaattttttt."

"Yusuf? Where are you, it's literally 9 in the evening, and why do you sound like that?"

"I'm druuuuunk!"

///

"Silence is the most powerful scream" - Unknown