The Jump

4 years later

///

The internship had been a blast I'd admit to anyone who'd ask. Not that anyone did. U-Penn was a dream I didn't know I had. I planned on keeping up with the dream, and so I enrolled in the graduate program U-Penn hosted and decided to get my masters in Criminology. Those 4 years were nothing less of a bliss either.

I had my life planned out just about. I was guaranteed a job at the local police department as part of the forensics team and planned to move there permanently. Of course my parents were devastated and after much pulling and prodding and begging, they mercifully relented. Yet there was a catch. And this catch was thrown at my face faster than you could say "steely wheely automobile" by my wonderful mother 4 months before I returned to Philadelphia.

"You're marrying Yusuf."

I laughed nervously. "What do you mean? We haven't even spoken in years! Is this a joke?"

Mama looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. "You should sit down. I didn't want things to happen this way, but Allah is the best of planners."

She grabbed my elbow gently and led me to the couch. There was worry in her eyes and I began to get this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something was very wrong.

"Mehreen came to me for your hand just last month. She wants you to be Yusuf's wife. I couldn't refuse-"

I stood up suddenly. "No, I can't. You know I love Mehreen aunty but Yusuf? We haven't even seen each other, or spoken to each other, and I never even thought about him that way!"

Mama's face was sad. She immediately launched into a rebuttal. "Ahlam, jaan, you guys were best friends for years. He was always there for you and you for him. He's the ideal husband for you. Ever since his dad passed away, Mehreen has felt insecure about their lives. She wants you to make her home feel like home again."

I sighed, sitting down again, agitation lined my features. "We used to be friends Mama, we aren't anymore."

"Think about it Ahlam. Your baba and I have chosen Yusuf for you. Whatever he did, I'm not saying it was nothing, but is it worth holding a grudge over when he stood by you for years? Mistakes are only human beta. Even you know deep down inside that Yusuf is the perfect husband for you."

I stilled at her words, my eyes glazing over as I ran through the words in my head. She was right. It was true. Once upon a time I had contemplated over this. How Yusuf and I would've fit like puzzle pieces. Maybe the attraction and the feelings weren't there even then, but I had thought how perfectly we'd be able to run a home together and it had left a weird tingle in the base of my heart.

Mama patted my hand, leaving me alone with my thoughts. We were young, 18 years old. Yusuf had fallen in with the wrong people, it was true. Not 3 years later, his dad passed away. For the first time in a long time, guilt began to worm its way into my heart. I felt uneasy. He had chosen the wrong path and I had let him. In a way, I had abandoned him.

Maybe it was a spur of the moment decision, but all of a sudden, the memory of that day by the lockers flashed before my eyes and it was as if I was seeing things from his perspective. I knew he had reached out to apologize, several times after that. He had stopped long ago though.

I was so busy playing the victim, that I never realized I was also the criminal in one way or another.

But was I ready to forgive Yusuf Ali?

The taste of embarrassment still lingered in my mouth from when he had cornered me, chosen to believe an outsider over me, and called me the filthiest words I'd ever heard from his mouth.

The truth was that my heart yearned for my best friend. And I had spent years making up excuses for his behavior. Maybe it was time to hear him out. I got up and went to Mama who was standing in the kitchen making biryani.

"I want to talk to him first Mama. Let them come. I'll talk to him before anything is confirmed."

//

Daneen came over the day Yusuf and Mehreen aunty were going to bring a proper proposal for me. I chose a black lacy suit, and kept the makeup plain, just a simple cat-eye and my natural hair.

Daneen wolf-whistled at me, claiming I looked hot. I snorted. I felt like a wreck. I hadn't seen him in ages. What did he look like? Did he still have the dumb hair he could barely style? Did he still barely talk, unless it was about something he felt passionate for? Was his voice just as soft? Would his eyes still find solace in mine?

There was an eagerness to meet him. I kept checking the clock as I stirred the kheer in the kitchen. But when I heard the doorbell ring, I gripped my dupatta tightly.

I waited in the kitchen, trying to catch his voice in between my parents' and Mehreen aunty's. But I couldn't because of the sound of blood rushing past my ears. I suddenly wanted to hide, to never face him, to let the ground open and swallow me whole.

But when Daneen came to get me, I went.

And when I saw him, I couldn't stop looking. His hair was still the mess of curls yet somehow he had managed to contain it, to make it look good. He seemed bigger now, God no, I could barely describe him. He had gained muscle mass? No. Goddamnit he was ripped now! His eyes settled into mine, and much to my dismay, the hazel orbs were cold. His gaze was so intense that I ripped my own away from him.

I spoke to Mehreen aunty. She asked me a few questions but what was there to ask? My entire life was before her eyes. To a stranger, it would seem that our marriage was already set. But I knew it wasn't. I looked at Yusuf again. He turned his eyes away from me, his jaw clenched. His entire body language screamed hostility.

"We should let the kids talk, come Mehreen let's eat. They will join us when they're done." Our parents and Daneen left to the dining room, the latter wiggling hr eyebrows at me.

I played with the corner of my dupatta. Suddenly, I was afraid. I couldn't look at him anymore.

He sighed. "Long time no see."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah. I wonder why?"

He shifted slightly. I could see him from my peripheral. "Will you at least look at me when I'm talking to you?"

His voice was still the soft lull, the one that had gotten deeper the summer before our junior year. The one which I had made fun of when in reality, I had loved it.

"Ahlam."

It was my name that brought me to look at his eyes. I could see his resolve waver when I ostared into his hazel orbs. "Yusuf."

His breath hitched, his eyebrows furrowing. "How come you agreed?"

I tried to search for an answer. There was none. "I haven't agreed." I was a liar. I had already agreed.

He smiled slightly. "Liar."

For a second, I forgot how to breathe. I looked at him with surprise evidently lacing my face.

"Ahlam, I know each and every tell of yours." His eyes held mirth as he teased me.

I felt uncomfortable under his gaze.

"Please say yes to this marriage." When Yusuf spoke again, there was desperation in his tone.

I raised an eyebrow, challenging him. "Why should I? We're not even acquaintances anymore let alone friends. Have you forgotten what transpired between us?"

"Ami's depressed."

My eyes widened in shock. "What? What do you mean? Has she been clinically diagnosed?"

He closed his eyes for a second. "Yes. She locks herself in her room for days Ahlam. I'd give her the world to make her sadness go away. And she asked for you. She asked me of one thing, please let me fulfill her wish."

Anger flashed in my eyes. "I'm not a gift Yusuf. I love your mom, you know that. But I can't marry you! Do you have any idea of what's supposed to exist between a married couple? I can barely bring my self to be comfortable near your presence!"

He sighed, his eyes turned away from me. "I've apologized many times. Your anger is justified Ahlam. But you never gave me a chance to redeem myself. Hell, you took away everything. Ismael, Safaa, Mihrimah. Even yourself. You isolated me to deal with my mistakes. You never even looked back." Yusuf seethed, he had regained his hostile composure.

I gave him a look. "I never kept them from talking to you Yusuf. It's not my fault they never did."

He scoffed, looking out the window and then into my eyes. The fury had been replaced with a broken look. "You didn't bother to fight for me. To bring me out of what was consuming me. You left me."

The accusation made me feel a sense of guilt and I was appalled. "So then why are you here? Huh? If all I ever did was leave you then why come here?"

"For Ami. Ahlam, don't let Allah take her from me too. Baba is gone, not her too."

There was raw emotion in his eyes. "I'm not God Yusuf. I can't fix her."

"You can help me bring her out of it can't you? And when she's better then you don't have to stay with me anymore."

"Wow. So you'll use me and then discard me."

He clenched his jaw, letting out an exasperated jaw when I didn't stop glaring at him. "I found her locked in her room with her hand full of pills last month. She would've taken them if I hadn't stopped her. She would died, Ahlam. So now it's your decision. I'll understand if you say no. You have every right too. But I'm asking for your help. As someone who was once close to you."

He got up and left the room. The revelation had touched somewhere deep inside of me. I felt cold all of a sudden. Was I being selfish? In a moment of impulsivity, I got up and joined the rest in the dining room.

"I accept the proposal." I stated meekly. When I meet Yusuf's shocked eyes, I almost instantly turned away. I didn't do it for him. It was never for him.

In this way, I hoped to wash away the guilt I did feel. By drowning myself. Oh well. I never really wanted to get married anyway, so, at least I'm not stepping over any armaan that I'd have.

But everyone wishes to be held, to be touched, to be loved and to love my subconscious mocked me. I looked at Yusuf again, his plate untouched.

Maybe this is Allah's plan after all.

"I lost a summer last year, and few autumns before, now all that resides in the cracks of my heart is a fragment of spring ever longing to leave"-Sunjhini