Say Something

RONNIE

~“Say something I’m giving up on you…”~

~– A Great Big World~

***

My room was freezing.

Even with the duvet wrapped around me like a protective cocoon, the cold still managed to seep in, chilling my veins and numbing my soul.

Outside my room, the world was loud with shouts and bangs against my door. They were trying to break in, but I wouldn’t let them. I didn’t want to let them in, didn’t want to let the cold out. I wanted to stay in my own world, a world where no one knew me, no one lied, no one judged, no one said anything.

And that world was my empty, cold room.

Life had thrown a lot at me. First, it was my parents’ constant fights. Then their divorce. Then my mother’s endless badmouthing of my father.

Then my father’s death, pushing me out of the way of a drunk driver, sacrificing his life for mine. Then there was Hailey’s bullying, Parker’s betrayal, and Jax’s psychotic behavior.

Then came my breakdowns, my self-harm, my ectopic pregnancy, my miscarriage, and the lies from Oliver and Laura.

And the grand finale, the cherry on top of my shit sundae, was Frey stabbing me in the heart.

Did I do something to piss off God? Did I take His name in vain or something? Is that why He decided my life should be this much of a mess?

If so, I wish He’d just tell me to my face what the fuck I did wrong. I need to know. I need to understand.

But of course, He didn’t show up in the past three days I’d been holed up in my room, no matter how much I begged Him. Apparently, I wasn’t Moses, and so He deemed me unworthy.

So instead of getting any answers about why my life sucked so hard, I was left to ponder my recent decisions.

Like my decision to cut my hair. Was it really as liberating as I had made it seem? I think so. It made me want to be a better person, to shed my baggage, even though that was easier said than done.

And then there was my decision to change my name from Veronica to Ronnie, the nickname my father used to call me. But even if I wanted to believe I was Ronnie, I really wasn’t.

Veronica would always be a part of me, an inseparable part. Veronica, with all her demons and weaknesses and craziness, and Ronnie, the stronger, better version of her.

They were inseparable. They were me, and I was them. I couldn’t be both.

I was Veronica Ariadne Tanner. And that made me the scarred, broken shell I was.

Because no matter how much I denied it, I was Veronica, not Ronnie to Nix and not Ver.

I was Veronica, and Veronica was fucked-up beyond repair.

Veronica was stepped on, bullied, teased, and beat-up.

And I was her.

I wondered what would’ve happened if my parents had stayed together.

Would it have changed me? Would it have made me a better person?

If my father hadn’t died saving me, would I be less pathetic than I am now?

Someone knocked at my door. It was a soft, polite knock, almost hesitant. It caught my attention.

“Ronnie?” a painfully familiar voice called from outside.

I couldn’t help but get off the bed, my duvet still wrapped around me, and shuffle over to the tightly locked door. I pressed a hand against the door’s hard surface, tears welling up in my eyes.

Another knock, and that voice again, “Ronnie, please open the door for me.”

“Frey,” I whispered, my throat tight with emotion, and leaned my cheek against the door.

He was there, just outside, the man who’d taken my heart...and crushed it until there was nothing left. My hollow chest ached in remembrance of how my heart was ripped apart.

He heard my whisper.

“Ronnie, Veronica,” he said, his voice soft and desperate, “I need you to listen to me.”

I said nothing, but silent, heartbroken tears fell from my eyes.

He decided to continue.

“Please open the door,” he pleaded. “Please.”

But I didn’t. I couldn’t face anyone, especially not him. Thankfully, he understood.

“Okay then, I’m going to talk to you like this,” he said, taking a deep breath. “But promise me you’ll listen.”

Even if I didn’t want to, I knew I would.

Deciding I was probably still listening, he said, “It all started with the party a few months ago. At the sorority.”

My body shook as I cried harder, still silent though.

“That night you were with Jax for the first time,” Frey clarified. “There was a reason both Jax and I were there.”

Nothing could surprise me by now.

“Tally went there with a boyfriend neither Jax nor I approved of,” he explained, his voice soft, “we went there to find her, but when we couldn’t find him, Jax decided to screw it all and started drinking.”

“He ended up seeing you, and you both walked away to do whatever you did. I saw you both kissing and walking away. That’s how I knew your name the first time you came to the pub.”

“It wasn’t because I have a gift. It’s because I knew you from that night you gave your virginity to Jax.”

My body shook from the impact of his words. Apparently, I could still be surprised.

“You didn’t remember me, though,” he said, his voice turning sad. “I can only guess there’s a whole piece of that night that is erased from your mind, maybe because of the alcohol you’d downed.”

“After you slept with Jax, you fell asleep, and Jax slipped away, remembering he had to search for Tally. He saw me dragging a drunk Tally toward the exit, holding a beer in my other hand.”

“He took Tally from me, told me he would take her and that I should leave. I started arguing with him about it. You must understand,” his voice turned sad, “my relationship with Jax is fucked-up.”

“Because of the whole mess with his birth and our mom, we’ve got some bad blood. That’s why he doesn’t trust me, and why I don’t trust him.”

“We only cross paths when something like what happened to Tally goes down.”

My tears flowed harder.

“Anyway, while Jax and I were at each other’s throats, you stumbled out of the room. You woke up, still drunk as a skunk.”

“You strutted out of the room, stark naked, hair a wild mess, and lips swollen like you’d been stung by a bee. You were about to trip over your own feet when I caught you.”

“Jax told me to look after you, and that he’d handle Tally. At first, I didn’t want to. Why should I help a stranger, right?” He chuckled, but it was devoid of humor.

“But Jax didn’t listen to me. He took Tally and left, and I was stuck with you. So, I dragged you back into the room you’d stumbled out of and went to find your clothes.”

“Suddenly, with surprising strength, you knocked me off balance and fell on top of me, in all your naked glory.”

“You were beautiful, unforgettable, with your hair cascading down, your dark eyes, and pale skin. I was taken aback when you leaned in and kissed me.”

My knees wobbled.

“After I snapped out of my daze and could think straight again, I pushed you away because I was engaged then,” he said, his voice turning dark and angry.

“You wouldn’t let me go. You begged me to stay, said you were alone, that you needed someone. In your eyes, I saw so much pain, so many emotions a young woman in her twenties shouldn’t have to feel.”

“I couldn’t leave you alone, so I tucked you into bed. Somehow, I found myself falling asleep next to you.” He took a deep breath. “The next morning you were gone.”

I collapsed to the ground, covering my mouth with my hand, shaking uncontrollably, and crying almost hysterically. He was the one with the Hindu sun tattoo.

He was the one I woke up with that next fateful morning.

He’d known me before, and he said nothing about it.

Just like he’d said nothing about everything else.

“I should’ve told you about it all sooner, Veronica,” he said, his voice filled with so many emotions, I couldn’t breathe.

“I shouldn’t have acted like I didn’t know you. I should’ve done the right thing and told you, even if it meant you would’ve pushed me away.”

Push him away?

“I found out from Lucy that you started working at Wynntec,” he explained softly. “She told me about you, her new friend at work, and how Jax was smitten with you.”

“I realized you were that girl, since you had the same name, and the description matched. I even saw you once at work when I visited Lucy, but you never noticed me.”

“You were so focused on Jax, you couldn’t see any other man. But that, of course, changed with time.”

He sighed heavily.

“When I offered to mentor you, at first, it was out of pity for Jax. Tally told me about what you’d put him through, and since Tally had done the same to me, I knew how he must be feeling.”

“I thought that if I could mentor you and help you become a better woman, I could help him win you over. But that’s not how it played out.

“I started to get attached to you. You were beautiful and broken, and it reminded me of myself, like your stories,” his voice turned grim.

“When I told you I knew someone who’d been through bullying and cutting too, I was talking about myself. In high school, I was weak, and many boys bullied me.”

“I slit my wrists because of that too, ended up in the hospital more than once, and eventually dropped out of school.”

“Your story was so much like mine, that I couldn’t help but feel a connection to you despite what I’d previously decided.”

“It didn’t help that you understood me more than anyone else did, and that you made me open up about stuff I usually kept locked away. Stuff that took Lucy a couple of years to finally get out of me.”

“And when I realized you were Dimitri Tanner’s daughter, the author who wrote my favorite book, it felt like you were sent from heaven. Like you were made for me.”

He paused, and then whispered so low that I could barely hear him, “I fell for you that moment on that hill.”

My crying intensified.

“I know how you feel about me,” he said so softly, it shattered my heart all over again. “I saw it in your eyes that night under the stars. I saw it and I know it and I want it so much, but I can’t.”

“I’m engaged to Lucy. Lucy was there for me after Tally dumped me, and I was there for her after her ex-boyfriend beat her up.”

“We were there for each other, and she’s important to me, and despite everything I feel for you, I still love her, and I can’t hurt her. I have to be with her.”

I sobbed.

“I want to see you, Veronica,” he said, his voice on the verge of breaking. “I want to hear your voice at least one more time. I need it. I need it, because I know you won’t want to see me anymore.”

“So please, open the door, or at least say something.”

But I didn’t want to say anything. He’d said it all.

He’d explained everything, from that night at the party at Laura’s sorority house to that night under the stars, when our connection was so strong, so compelling, that it was hard to ignore.

The man I loved, the man who saved me, the man who’d been everything for me… He was forever out of reach.

Frey’s betrayal wasn’t just a stab in the back. It was a knife to the heart. Not because he was engaged to Lucy, my good friend and an all-around good person. But because his betrayal was the biggest I’d ever experienced. I knew if I ever saw him again, I’d lose it. I’d punch, kick, and cry until I was empty.

“Please, Veronica,” he pleaded, his voice choked with tears. “Please, say something.”

I stayed silent.

He got the message.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and then he was gone.

I knew he was gone. I felt it.

The sobs ripped through me. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I couldn’t hold anything back. I cried harder than I ever had, mourning the loss I’d just suffered.

I’d never see Frey’s beautiful eyes again. I’d never share a joke with him. I’d never see his smile, a smile that used to light up my world.

And because of that, I’d never see Lucy again. Lucy, a girl I’d grown to like and care for.

But she’d unknowingly taken the one good thing in my life, and I could never face her again.

Another knock on the door.

“Ronnie, it’s me,” said a familiar voice. Drake’s voice.

I couldn’t do this alone. I couldn’t handle it all alone.

With shaky legs, I stood up and with a trembling hand, I opened the door.

Drake slipped inside, quickly closing and locking the door behind him before wrapping me in his arms.

“I’m here now,” he said, and that was all it took for me to break down again.

We fell to the floor together, Drake holding me as I cried my heart out.

***

After a few hours, I finally calmed down.

Drake told me to take a shower, brush my teeth, and get dressed.

I did all that, feeling empty and numb and so sad, I felt like I could break all over again.

Once I was clean and dressed, Drake took me in his arms again and sat us both on the bed.

“I’m here for you, Ronnie,” he said, “I’m here, and I’m not leaving. Whether you want me to or not.”

I couldn’t speak, so I just hugged him.

He held me tight, pulling me closer, and his voice was suddenly raw.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “this isn’t the right time for this, but I can’t hold it in anymore.”

He pulled back so he could look into my eyes.

“I love you,” he said, his eyes intense and his voice serious, “I’ve been in love with you since before we met again, but after we became friends, I realized just how much I wanted you.”

“I promise, I won’t leave you like everyone else. I have no secrets from you. I’m completely honest with you. I won’t ever lie to you, won’t ever hurt you or force you to love me.”

“But just so you know, I will always be here, and I will always love you, and no matter what you decide, I’ll stand by you.”

Hearing him say all the things I’d wished someone with purplish-gray eyes would’ve said, made me realize something.

I’d thought sleeping around was my only salvation, but then I met Frey, and everything fell into place…

But it all fell apart again, and not just because of his revelations and secrets.

If I really could be with him, I would’ve broken Drake’s heart, risked Jax’s sanity even more, and ended Lucy’s long-term engagement.

If I could, would I really be willing to sacrifice all that just for my own happiness?

That’s probably what Frey had been thinking, and that’s why he’d never pursued his feelings for me.

He knew that us being together would hurt too many people, and he was a good man and didn’t want that. Now that I understood that, I realized I didn’t want that either.

So, I had to choose a different path, a different kind of happy ending.

Looking into Drake’s sincere eyes, seeing this pure-hearted man’s love for me, I realized that I could have a different kind of love. I could love someone else.

And so, while I hadn’t opened the door for Frey, I had for Drake. And while Frey begged for me to say something before he gave up on me completely, Drake was waiting for me to speak.

“Take me away from here,” I whispered to the redhead in front of me. “Take me away from this city and love me. In return, I promise to try my best to love you back.”

And as Drake cupped my face in his hands and kissed me, the image of Frey’s smiling face in my mind started to fade, until it was gone.

Goodbye, Godfrey Holmes, my first and true love.