A Sky Full of Stars

RONNIE

~“I don’t care, go on and tear me apart,”~

~I don’t care if you do,”~

~’Cause in a sky, ’cause in a sky full of stars,”~

~I think I saw you…”~

~– Coldplay~

***

“So, I heard you’re taking a couple of days off,” Drake mentioned as our shift ended the day before my trip with Frey and his dojo crew.

“Yup,” I confirmed, grinning at him. “I’m heading out on a trip.”

“Cool,” he responded as we left Bernard’s. “Where to?”

“The mountains,” I answered, strolling with my buddy to the coffee shop around the corner. It had become our regular after-work hangout over the past week since I started working at Bernard’s.

“Ah, I love that place,” he said, his voice filled with nostalgia, and his eyes sparkling with memories. “I used to go there with my family when I was a kid.”

“Me too,” I admitted, feeling a familiar pang in my heart. “With my dad, actually. It was a blast.”

Drake chuckled.

“You’re going to have a great time this time too, I bet,” he said, nudging my shoulder with his.

“Yeah, I think so too,” I agreed, winking at him.

We walked into the coffee shop and slid into the booth we’d claimed on our first visit. It had quickly become our regular spot.

The waiter, Mike, who we’d gotten to know, asked, “Hot chocolate and cappuccino, right?”

“You got it, Mike,” Drake confirmed, and Mike grinned before heading off to get our drinks.

“So, spill it, Drake,” I said, grinning at him. “Is there a special lady in your life right now?”

Drake chuckled.

“Why, no, Ronnie, there isn’t,” he answered, then frowned. “Why the sudden curiosity? You got a crush on me or something?”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” I teased, lightly slapping his hand. “I just want you to be happy.”

His expression softened. “Well, if it makes you feel better, I was seeing someone until recently.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised. “What’s her name?”

“Carly,” he answered, shrugging. “It doesn’t matter, though. We weren’t a good fit.”

“I see,” I said, then noticed a girl eyeing our table. “Well, if it helps, there’s a cutie over there checking you out.”

Drake subtly stretched and scanned the room. He locked eyes with the girl, and she flashed him a smile.

My friend returned her smile then turned to me. “I’ll be right back.”

I chuckled. “Take your time.”

Drake winked at me and headed toward the girl, who seemed thrilled that he found her interesting.

I smiled to myself. Drake was a handsome guy, and with his boyish charm, he shouldn’t have any trouble finding love and keeping it without getting hurt.

My thoughts naturally drifted to Frey. We were going to be together for two whole days.

Sure, there would be the instructors he was hiring and the young kids, but that didn’t change the fact that we would be there together.

It made me both nervous and excited. I was looking forward to this trip, and to spending more time with Frey, because despite my better judgment, I was in love with him.

And while it scared the shit out of me, I couldn’t deny it, and couldn’t help but try to satisfy my feelings.

In my last session with Dr. Miller, I told her about it. She was concerned that I was too dependent on him, that I was confusing my feelings.

But I knew what love felt like from my past experience with Parker. I knew that what I was feeling was love. There was no denying it.

Dr. Miller wasn’t convinced and told me to reassess my feelings on this field trip. I promised her I would, and I intended to. Because Dr. Miller, much like Frey, had a knack for being right.

“Hey, Ronnie,” Drake appeared in front of me. “Is it okay if I bail?”

He gestured toward the girl, who was waiting for him.

I stood up and smiled.

“Of course,” I said, “have fun—and remember to use protection.”

He rolled his eyes at me. “That’s rich coming from a girl who’s just been pregnant.”

I stuck my tongue out at him, giggling, and left Drake to enjoy his time with the cute girl who looked at him like she’d just won the lottery.

***

When I arrived at the dojo the next day, a large bus was parked outside. A group of thirty kids were gathered there with backpacks, and the teachers were keeping an eye on them.

Frey was chatting with the bus driver, and when he saw me, he wrapped up his conversation and came over.

“Hey you,” he greeted, hugging me. He then eyed my small backpack. “Are you sure that’s enough?”

“It’s a camping trip,” I reminded him, smiling while my heart fluttered in my chest. “I don’t need much.”

“Good thing you’re not like these girls who pack their entire house for a single overnight trip,” he joked, winking at me. “Anyway, we’re about to load up the bus. Want to help?”

“Sure,” I agreed, and together, along with the teachers, we loaded everyone’s bags into the luggage compartment.

Once that was done, Frey had the Japanese teacher–whom Frey introduced me to as Arata Yamasaki, the Karate master–help the kids onto the bus.

Once all the little rascals were aboard, the teachers took the front seats, and Frey and I settled into the third row together.

The bus rumbled to life and I turned to Frey. “What’s on the agenda for the next few days?”

“Trust me, it’s going to be a blast,” he replied, grinning. “We’ll set up camp, then we have a karate class with Arata and a Tai-Chi lesson with Marion. It’s going to be awesome.”

“I’m counting on you,” I said, chuckling lightly.

Frey dug into his backpack and pulled out a pair of earbuds, offering one to me.

“It’s a long ride,” he said, “let’s enjoy some music.”

I accepted the earbud and slipped it into my ear. He connected it to his iPod and started a playlist.

The combination of the music and the motion of the bus lulled me into a drowsy state. Without thinking about whether it was okay or not, I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

As the melodies of Coldplay and Pet Shop Boys filled my ear, I hovered in a space between sleep and wakefulness.

I faintly felt Frey’s arm wrap around me, his head resting on top of mine. He whispered something I couldn’t quite catch, but his tone was soothing and it warmed me from the inside.

He cared about me. He really did. And I cared about him too, just not in the same way he did about me.

Life was a cruel joke. For the first time since Parker, since Dad, I’d found someone who understood me, someone I cherished and loved, and he was out of reach.

It wasn’t just his actions that told me he didn’t see me the same way, but something deep inside me sensed that he wasn’t putting himself out there.

I wondered if he had someone else in his life. But that thought caused a pang in my heart, so I pushed it away.

I was here with Frey now, and we were going to have a good time. No need to overanalyze everything.

A few hours later, we arrived at the campsite. It was perched on a mountain top, offering a breathtaking view of the city and the sea beyond.

Frey nudged me awake so I could take in the view and help set up the tents. Once we were done, I noticed that Frey hadn’t brought a tent for himself.

“Where are you sleeping?” I asked, then realized I didn’t have a tent either. “Where am I sleeping?”

“We’re sleeping under the stars,” Frey said, grinning. “You’re going to love it, I promise.”

I wasn’t so sure, but I decided to trust him. He seemed to know what he was doing and I figured I had nothing to lose by following his lead.

Once we’d claimed our spot, Frey announced it was time for the karate class with Arata.

All the kids donned their karate uniforms, and to my surprise, so did Frey, complete with a black belt.

It suited him, which wasn’t surprising, and it made him look even more badass.

When he caught me staring, he grinned.

“Arata asked me to assist him,” he said, answering the question in my eyes.

“Cool,” I replied, looking down at my regular workout clothes. “I suddenly feel underdressed.”

“It’s fine,” he said, before joining Arata. I found a spot next to a tall twelve-year-old boy in the back row.

The boy gave me a scrutinizing look.

“Are you Mr. Holmes’ girlfriend?” he asked bluntly.

I blinked at him. “No, not really.”

He smiled then, and he was so adorable I had an irrational urge to hug him.

“Can you be my girlfriend instead?” he asked hopefully.

I laughed and then Frey called out, “Travis! Quit flirting with Ronnie and focus!”

Travis rolled his eyes and whispered, “Call me,” before turning his attention back to Arata.

I smiled to myself and tried to concentrate on the class.

After an hour of learning some karate moves, Frey gave us a break. I went to get some water and Travis followed me.

“So, you’re Ronnie,” he said, his blue eyes so charming I wanted to pinch his cheek.

“And you’re Travis,” I replied, and he nodded eagerly.

“The guys don’t think I can win you over,” he said, pointing at a group of other twelve-year-olds who were watching us. “I want to prove them wrong.”

He was so cute, and the whole situation was so adorable, I couldn’t help but smile at him. “So, you want me to be your accomplice?”

He nodded quickly. “Will you help me reclaim my honor?”

What a sweetheart.

“It depends,” I said, leaning against a tree. “What do you want me to do?”

“Kiss me!” he blurted out, his eyes shining with hope.

“Oh, Travis,” I said, shaking my head at his innocence. “That’s not how you get a girlfriend.”

His face fell. “Why not?”

“Because,” I explained, “girls want to feel special. You can’t just ask like that.”

“So, what should I do to make you feel special?” he asked, determination in his eyes.

Must resist urge to cuddle… Must resist…

“Hmm,” I pretended to think. “How about bringing me flowers? Or serenading me. That would definitely win me over.”

Little Travis took me seriously and said, “I’ll get you flowers right now!” before running off to a nearby meadow.

While my little Casanova was off picking flowers, a familiar voice asked, “Training the next generation?”

I turned to see Frey smirking at me, and I felt my cheeks heat up.

“Well, he was asking for it,” I said, ignoring the flutter in my stomach. “Besides, if he wants a kiss, he’s going to have to work for it.”

“You’re a wicked woman,” he said, shaking his head at me.

“You don’t strike me as the kid-friendly type,” he said, standing next to me, watching Travis on his flower hunt.

“I wouldn’t say I’m good with them,” I replied, shrugging. “I’m just honest with them. Kids appreciate that.”

“That’s what being good with kids means,” Frey pointed out.

I was about to argue when Travis popped up, a bouquet of anemones in his hands.

I wasn’t a fan of flowers. They seemed pointless and silly. But the gesture from Travis warmed my heart.

“Thank you,” I said, giving him a smile.

He looked a bit stunned.

“Now I have to sing for you, right?” he asked, dropping to one knee and launching into “Twinkle, twinkle, little star…”

Frey and I shared a look, trying to suppress our laughter. Travis was so earnest, so serious as he sang. It was adorable.

It didn’t hurt that he was the first guy to ever serenade me.

When he finished, he stood up and looked at me with such a hopeful, sweet expression. No woman could resist that.

“That was great,” I told him, leaning in and smiling. “Now close your eyes. You’ve earned a kiss.”

He blushed—I had to resist the urge to cuddle him—and I gave him a soft kiss on the lips, just as I’d promised.

His face was as red as a beet when I pulled back. He looked dazed.

“T-T-Thank you!” he stammered, then ran off to his friends, who were patting his back and whistling.

“I think you made his day,” Frey said, amusement in his voice. “I also think he’s got a crush on you now.”

“Whatever,” I said, grinning like a fool. “He’s just so cute.”

Suddenly, a wave of sadness washed over me. My hand instinctively went to my stomach. The amusement drained away, replaced by tears.

Frey noticed.

“Hey,” he said gently, turning me to face him. “What’s wrong?”

A tear slipped down my cheek. I needed the comfort of his strong, warm arms. I stepped closer to him, gripping his shirt.

He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close, giving me the comfort I needed without asking why.

It had just hit me, after spending time with Travis, that I could’ve had that. I could’ve had a child. I was pregnant once, but I miscarried. I could’ve had a child, just like Laura was going to have.

But now it was too late.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Frey asked, his voice filled with concern.

“Travis,” I whispered. “He reminded me of what I lost.”

And because Frey was Frey, he understood. He just held me as I cried, for the first time, for the loss of my baby.

***

That night, after a day full of activities, Frey spread out the sleeping bags on the cold ground and pulled me down next to him.

The sky was clear, filled with stars. We lay there, side by side, just looking at them.

After a while, I pointed out a constellation I recognized.

“That’s the Great Bear,” I said, then pointed to another. “And that’s the Big Dipper.”

“Your dad taught you about constellations, didn’t he?” Frey asked.

“Yes,” I said, smiling a little. I pointed out the stars one by one. “That’s Sirius, the Dog Star. And there’s Canis Major, and Canis Minor, and the Corona Borealis…”

My voice trailed off as I remembered my father teaching me about the stars on our camping trips, just like the one Frey and I were on now.

After a few moments of silence, Frey asked, “Have you started writing again?”

I smiled.

“I have,” I said. It was true. After our talk the other day, I went home, opened a new Word document, and started writing a random story.

I was going to pour my heart into it.

“Good,” he said. I turned to look at him and realized our faces were only inches apart. He’d been watching me the whole time.

Our noses were almost touching. Our lips were close. Our eyes widened.

My breath hitched. We were so close I could feel his breath on my face, feel his warmth against mine.

I wanted to lean in, to wrap my arms around him, to kiss him until we were both breathless.

Frey was looking right back at me, but his eyes were unreadable. I didn’t know what he was thinking.

Did he want to kiss me too? Did he see me as more than a student and a friend? Did he want me to be more?

My feelings were clear in my eyes. I knew he could see them. I didn’t care.

I wanted him to see, to understand how I felt. I couldn’t hide it anymore. I needed him to know what he meant to me.

That’s the thing about love. It makes you reckless. It makes you want the other person to know how you feel, even if they don’t feel the same.

When you’re in love, there comes a point when you don’t care about anything else.

You don’t care about the risk of ruining your relationship with the person you love, as long as they finally understand how you feel.

That was where I was. I couldn’t hide it anymore. I had to let him see.

He saw it. I was certain he did, because there was no way he could miss it.

“Ronnie,” he murmured, his warm, rough hand cradling my face. A spark of hope ignited within me, and I was on the brink of leaning in to kiss him when he said, “I can’t.”

My heart froze.

“You can’t?” I echoed, confusion clouding my thoughts.

“I need to sleep now,” he explained, a sudden apologetic smile gracing his lips. “I can’t stay up with you. I’m sorry.”

His hand fell away from my face as he turned his back to me.

My heart stuttered back to life, but it was a feeble beat.

His gaze had been inscrutable when he spoke those words, and I knew that when he said he couldn’t, he wasn’t referring to staying awake with me.

But with no other clue about his thoughts, I turned away too, closed my eyes, and clung to the faint hope that maybe, just maybe, he was feeling the same way.