I Am Terrified

RONNIE

~“You look good in leather in bars,”~

~Breaking things, breaking hearts,”~

~You look good in pleasure, in hotels,”~

~Loneliness is the key to break that spell…”~

~– IAMX~

***

“I’m not sure what to make of it, honestly,” Dr. Miller admitted, her eyes studying me.

“You’ve been through a lot, and even though you’re finally opening up about it, you don’t seem as shaken as I thought you would be.”

“That’s the whole point, Doc,” I replied, a small smile playing on my lips.

“I’ve been through hell, and when more crap piled on top of that, I just accepted it. I decided that if I wanted to move on, I needed to stop overthinking everything.”

“Because that would just lead to stress and pointless worry. I’m finally doing well, and I don’t want to fall back into that cycle.”

Dr. Miller smiled.

“You’re showing more maturity and resilience than before, Ronnie. It’s good to see,” her smile faded. “But I’m worried about something else.”

“It seems like you’re suppressing your pain, burying your true feelings deep down. That’s not the way to move forward.”

“I’m not,” I assured her, but something about her words struck a chord.

Was I really suppressing everything? It didn’t feel like it. I felt free, I felt better. I had let everything go, hadn’t I?

“I suggest you think about it,” she advised, “and when you have your answer, you can tell me.”

***

The gang and I gathered at Amy’s and my apartment. Amy and Nick, the blissfully engaged couple, sat together as usual, looking even more in love than before.

Laura’s baby bump was starting to show, but only from the front. Most pregnant women would probably be envious.

Then there were Warren and Ransom, also happily engaged, chatting excitedly about their upcoming spring wedding.

But the two who were the most thrilled among us were Santana and Kyle.

“I landed my first modeling gig!” Santana announced.

“Oh my God, congratulations!” Laura exclaimed, hugging her. “Who’s it for?”

Santana beamed. “It’s for a small, successful boutique at Molder Park. I can’t wait to start!”

“That’s a great start to your career,” Ransom said, smiling. “Not many models get off to such a good start.”

“Well, not all models are me,” Santana replied, full of herself.

Laughing, I said, “You’re very humble.”

“I know, right?” she winked at me.

“Well, I have some news too,” Kyle chimed in, grinning. “Tomorrow is the Fraying God’s concert at Marlowe Hall. You’re all coming.”

“Of course,” Amy agreed, “but are you giving us tickets?”

“Funny you should ask…” he chuckled, pulling tickets from his pocket. “Make sure you can make it, or I’ll never forgive you.”

He tried to look stern but failed, too caught up in his excitement and happiness.

“Don’t worry,” I reassured him, patting him on the back, “we’ll be there.”

“You too?” he asked, then slung his arm around my shoulder and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “I can’t wait to see you come.”

It was nice that I could flirt with him without it being awkward or him taking it the wrong way. I missed joking around with Kyle.

“You can’t, can you?” I teased, winking at him.

He chuckled and let me go. See? Harmless indeed.

“We have some news too,” Nick suddenly announced, his tone serious. We all turned to look at him. He exchanged a glance with Amy, who nodded encouragingly, and then turned back to us.

“I passed the audition, so I’m moving to Chicago in a few months.”

A stunned silence filled the room. I was the first to break it.

“Congratulations,” I said, smiling proudly. “I knew you could do it!”

“Yeah, man,” Kyle added, patting his friend’s back. “It was obvious you’d make it. You’re one tough guy.”

“There’s more,” Amy chimed in, a small smile on her face. “I’m moving with him.”

I already knew that, but the others didn’t.

“What?!” Santana exclaimed, her eyes wide. “Why?”

“Because we’re engaged, and I’m not about to let some Chicago woman steal him away from me,” Amy retorted, raising an eyebrow defiantly.

Santana looked like she was about to argue, but luckily Laura saw it coming and covered the redhead’s mouth.

“We’re really happy for you,” she said, while Santana glared at her. “You have our full support.”

“But it’s going to be sad,” Warren added, his face falling. “Chicago is so far away. Our group will miss two of its best members.”

“I know, buddy,” Nick replied, a sad smile on his face. “But I have to do this. They offered me a full scholarship at the University of Chicago,”

“And the chance to play in one of the top football leagues? It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I couldn’t say no.”

“And I’m going with him,” Amy added, gripping her fiancé’s hand. “For support, for familiarity, and also to find myself there.”

We all knew what Amy was talking about. Like me, she’d left college and had been drifting for a bit. She needed to find her place in the world, and if that place was Chicago, then so be it.

“I’m happy for you, don’t get me wrong,” Santana said, once Laura’s hand was no longer covering her mouth. “But it’s going to be really lonely without you.”

“Don’t be silly,” Nick said, grinning, “you’ll still have each other, and there are ways to keep in touch, like Skype or Facebook or whatever. And it’s only a few hours away.”

“Yeah,” Amy agreed, “it’s not like we’re moving to Europe or anything.”

“True,” Santana conceded, “but still…”

“It’s going to be okay, Santana,” I reassured her with a smirk. “You got me, after all. I’m like two people in one.”

That got her laughing. “Let’s not start talking about your various issues, Ronnie.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Kyle said, nudging me in the shoulder, “let’s focus on the good stuff, not the fact you chopped off your hair, or the fact you changed your name—”

“Hey, I already explained it to you,” I said, scowling. “It’s the original nickname I’d been given, so it’s only right I use it.”

“Which is also partially true,” Warren muttered darkly, “but let’s not get into it.”

“Actually, I just realized something,” Laura said, looking at me. “When Amy leaves, what will you do with the apartment?”

Honestly? I hadn’t thought about it. When Amy said she was moving with Nick, all I could think about was how happy I was for her. But now that Laura brought it up…

“I don’t know,” I said, frowning in thought. “I guess I’ll have to find a cheaper place or crash at one of yours.”

“You’re more than welcome to stay with me,” Santana said, “you can take Salva’s room.”

Salva was short for Salvador, Santana’s brother who was in the army.

“Or you can crash at my place,” Kyle said, grinning. “The guys will surely appreciate some female presence.”

I chuckled. “I think I’ll wait until Amy’s actually leaving before I decide.”

“Yeah,” Amy said, shooting me a grin. “I’m not giving up Ronnie just yet.”

“Hey, guys,” Warren suddenly said, grinning wickedly, “why don’t we play Never Have I Ever? For old times' sake?”

We all knew what he meant. Soon enough, Amy and Nick would be gone, and we wouldn’t be able to joke around as a group anymore.

So, everyone agreed to play this silly game because there was a good chance it would be the last time we could do it all together.

“Never have I ever been pregnant,” Santana started, smirking at Laura, who rolled her eyes and took a shot of apple juice instead of alcohol.

She wasn’t the only one who took a shot. Since I’d basically been pregnant, I took a shot myself and laughed at the absurdity of it all.

It was Laura’s turn next.

“Never have I ever been engaged,” she said, grinning smugly when the four engaged people around us downed a shot.

“Never have I ever worked as a waitress,” Amy said, and I had to take one.

And so, it went on, with each of us downing a shot of alcohol and Laura only apple juice.

But then it was Kyle’s turn, and when he said, “Never have I ever been in love,” it made me stop and think.

At first, I was about to laugh at those who had to take a shot, but then I paused. Hadn’t I been in love before?

What I’d felt for Jax was some sort of twisted infatuation, which eventually faded, especially after that almost-rape incident.

It wasn’t love, or anything close to love. So that wasn’t what made me pause.

Frey’s face popped into my mind next, and I could see him clearly.

His dark, thick mohawk, his purplish-gray eyes, his strong, muscular build, his laugh, his grins, his charm, his openness.

I remembered how he’d lifted me, how he slapped my butt jokingly, how he hugged me when I needed him, how he made me feel safe, how he whispered to me that it was okay, that he was there for me…

My face flushed as the realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

“Ver–Ronnie?” Laura’s voice made me snap my eyes to her, and I saw everyone was looking at me strangely.

I forced out a laugh.

“Sorry for zoning out on you guys,” I said, and then laughed again, maybe a little too loudly.

“You sound weird,” Warren said, his eyes filled with concern. “And your face is red. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, right as rain, really,” I said, and then forced a smile. “Where were we?”

Luckily, I managed to play it cool for the rest of the evening, so no one suspected a thing.

But the thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone.

The thoughts I wasn’t ready to face.

I’d fallen in love with Frey Holmes.