All Alone

VERONICA

~“And all the roses turn to black,”~

~And my heart is as cold as stone,”~

~We give ourselves a shining start,”~

~All alone…”~

~– Dave O’Dowda~

***

When my mom rang me up for dinner, I knew there was no escaping it.

She was fretting over me—rightfully so—and I needed to reassure her that I was doing fine. Or at least, getting there.

So, I pulled myself together, bundled up in cozy clothes on a Sunday evening, and hauled my ass to my car.

Just as I managed to start the engine—on the third try, mind you—my ~Save Tonight~ by Eagle Eye Cherry ringtone filled the air. Laura’s name flashed on the screen.

A smile tugged at my lips as I picked up the call.

But the moment I heard her voice, my smile vanished.

“Veronica,” she began, using my full name which was a clear sign something was off. “I’m sorry to call you out of nowhere, but…”

“Hey Laura, don’t sweat it,” I interrupted, concern creeping into my voice, “what’s going on? You sound…rough.”

She let out a laugh, but it was more strained than joyful. “Rough doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

Now I was getting worried, but I also needed to hit the road to my mom’s place, so I put her on speaker and started driving.

“Is something wrong with the baby?” I asked, anxiety knotting my stomach.

“No,” she replied, her voice shaky, and then she broke. “Yes.”

“What’s the matter?” A cold sweat broke out on my forehead. What could’ve possibly gone wrong with the baby?

“She’s… I was…” she took a deep breath. “I had an ultrasound today.”

“And what did the doctor say?” I prodded.

“He…he said…” she sobbed. “He said my baby’s heartbeat is a bit slower than average.”

I pulled up at a traffic light.

“I don’t get it,” I admitted, “does that mean the baby has a heart defect or something?”

“The doctor said it’s too soon to tell,” she whispered, “he told me not to worry, but how can I not? It’s my baby we’re talking about. If she has heart problems, I will never…I can’t…”

“Laura, take it easy,” I said, feeling my anxiety ebb away now that I understood what was going on.

“If the doctor told you not to worry, then he probably knows what he’s talking about. The baby is fine. She’ll be just as amazing as her mom, you’ll see. So, stop stressing.”

“You don’t get it!” she suddenly yelled. “He said her heartbeat is slower than it should be! What if it’s a serious problem?”

“But he told you not to worry,” I said calmly, pressing the gas as the lights turned green.

“So, stop acting like a hormonal pregnant woman for a second and think logically. The doctor’s the one with the degree, not you, and if he said not to worry, then stop worrying.”

My friend sniffled.

“I can’t just stop worrying,” she mumbled.

I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Then deal with it, ~Miss Hormones~,” I teased.

“Shut up,” she grumbled at me. “And don’t call me Miss Hormones. It’s insulting.”

“But it’s the truth,” I grinned. “Now that I know you’re worried over nothing, what did Aunt Mila say?”

Laura paused for so long that I started to think she had hung up, but then she confessed, “She told me exactly what you said.”

I let out another chuckle.

“You’re something else,” I told her.

“Shut up,” she grumbled again.

Pulling up at my mom’s house, I parked the car next to it.

“Listen, I gotta go,” I told her. “It’s family dinner tonight.”

“Oh,” she said, her voice returning to normal. “Then I won’t bother you with my problems anymore.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, rolling my eyes, “I love your problems. They balance out with mine, so it’s all good. But I really gotta go.”

“Whatever,” she mumbled.

Sighing, I said, “Goodnight, Lau.”

She sighed too.

“’Night. And thanks.” She added as an afterthought.

I smiled faintly. “You’re welcome.”

***

I was the first one to show up, since only Mom, Stephen and Andy were there with no sign of Oliver. When Mom saw me, she enveloped me in a tight hug.

“Thank you for coming,” she said sincerely.

Returning her hug, I said, “No problem.”

After she let go, Stephen gave me a hug too.

“How are you holding up?” he asked politely, like it was a formality for him to inquire about my well-being without really caring about it.

It made sense.

Stephen and I had a complicated relationship. He wasn’t exactly a stepfather to me, just like I didn’t confide in him like a real stepdaughter, and our connection was solely because of Mom.

He truly loved her, and he saw me as a potential threat to her peaceful life. So basically, his question about how I was doing was for my mom’s sake, not because he was genuinely concerned.

“I’m doing well,” I told him, and took a seat next to the dining table, where Andy was already engrossed in her smartphone, her fingers flying over the screen.

“That’s good to hear,” Stephen said as he took a seat at the table too.

“Your mother was really worried.” He added, his silver eyes boring into me.

“I know,” I said, nodding at him in silent acknowledgement.

He nodded back and then I turned to Andy.

“Feeling okay, sis?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation light.

Andy didn’t respond. She was either ignoring me or hadn’t heard me. So, I switched gears.

“How’s your boyfriend?” I asked, thinking back to the cute guy she’d been with at Bernard’s. I think his name was Ben or something like that.

“We broke up,” she said, her voice flat and emotionless.

“My new boyfriend’s name is Finn.”

That was quick.

“Oh, I see,” I said, laughing a bit awkwardly. “Is he treating you well?”

Andy looked up at me, her golden eyes filled with contempt. I was taken aback.

“Since when do you care?” she shot back.

I swallowed hard, my heart pounding. “Since I’m your sister.”

She raised an eyebrow, a mocking smile on her face that I didn’t want to see.

“That’s news to me,” she said, her gaze falling on my scarred wrist.

“Because the sister I know stopped cutting herself a long time ago, but it doesn’t really matter, does it?” she said, her smile cold. “It’s not like we’re actually sisters, right?”

Her words cut deep.

My heart skipped a beat, and I looked down, feeling a wave of shame.

She was right. I wasn’t close to Andromeda.

I never had been, even when our parents were together, or after they divorced. Andy and I were as different as night and day, and I never made an effort to bridge the gap.

It was another mistake I had made in my life.

Everything was piling up and now it was hitting me in the face.

The tense silence in the room was broken by a knock on the door.

Stephen stood up and said to Mom, “You focus on the food, Charlene. I’ll get the door.”

My mother’s smile was so wide it looked like her face might split.

“I’m so glad,” she said once Stephen walked to the door.

“Finally, a dinner with everyone!”

“Everyone?” I asked, confused.

Andy, who had gone back to her texting, said flatly, “Oliver’s bringing Jax over.”

Did I hear that right?

“Jax?” I hoped my voice didn’t betray the sudden fear I was feeling.

My Mom’s nod confirmed that, unfortunately, my hearing was just fine. “Just like the good old days!”

Before I had time to process the fact that my ex-lover, fuck-buddy, potential-boyfriend, ~whatever~, was coming for dinner, two familiar voices greeted Stephen.

I was sitting with my back to the door, so neither the newcomers nor Stephen could see the panic on my face.

It’d only been a few days since my talk with Jax about needing space, and now he was back in my life, whether he meant to be or not.

Just when I was starting to get my sanity back, his presence threatened to unravel me.

To my surprise, Andy looked up from her phone and smiled at the sight of Jax.

“Jax!” she said, her voice filled with joy.

“You’re really here!” she jumped up from her chair, leaving her phone on the table, and went over to greet Jax.

When did she start adoring Jax Cole? And how the fuck had I missed it?

~Because you were so self-centered, you didn’t see anyone around you.~

The realization hit me hard, and I wrapped my arms around myself.

I was a horrible person. A horrible daughter. A horrible stepdaughter. A horrible sister. A horrible woman.

So, so horrible.

For some reason, I wanted to see Frey. I wanted him to tell me the harsh truth, and I wanted him to train me so I wouldn’t have to think about those dangerous things.

“Veronica Ariadne Tanner,” my mother suddenly hissed at me, “go greet the new guests politely instead of sitting here like a statue.”

Her words stung, but she was right. I pushed my thoughts aside, hoping I didn’t look as pale as I felt, and stood up.

Taking a deep breath, I turned around and faced the one man I didn’t want to see.

Jax looked so good, it was almost painful.

His dark brown hair was a mess, his midnight-blue eyes shining as he spoke to Andy, who was practically swooning over him.

And his tall, muscular body was dressed in a coat and jeans with expensive leather shoes.

Something in my heart ached, a mix of longing for what could’ve been and resentment for what shouldn’t have been.

As if sensing me, Jax looked up from talking to Andy and met my gaze.

His smile faded, replaced by a serious expression that made my heart skip a beat.

In a split-second decision, I decided to delay my talk with him and turned to Oliver, who was standing next to him.

He looked good, too, with his short dark-blonde hair, silvery-green eyes, and lean body. I smiled at him, ignoring Jax’s stare, and hugged him.

“Hey, brother,” I said quietly.

Oliver chuckled and hugged me back. “How’re you doing, baby-sis?”

Feeling a little less heavy, I kissed his cheek and stepped back.

“I’m good,” I told him. “How are you?”

“I’m well,” he said, smiling at me but glancing at Jax. “The Russians miss you.”

I’d almost forgotten about them being here.

“Really,” I said, my cheerfulness fading. Remembering the Russians meant remembering Vadim, which led to recalling the events of the welcoming party.

Feeling a little sick, I said, “I’ll be right back,” and rushed to the bathroom.

Apparently, I was sick because the next thing I knew I was throwing up everything I had eaten that day.

The last time I’d thrown up was years ago, when I had the flu. But right now, despite feeling perfectly healthy, I was dizzy and nauseous.

A knock sounded on the bathroom door.

“Sweetie?” my mom’s voice floated through. “Are you okay?”

Thank God for soundproof walls. No one needed to hear me retching.

I took a few deep breaths before answering, “I’m fine, Mom. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Okay,” she replied, her footsteps fading away.

I leaned over the toilet, taking more deep breaths.

“Calm down, Veronica,” I whispered to myself. “Just breathe and relax.”

It took a few minutes, but I finally managed to pull myself together. I washed my face, took a sip of water from the sink, and hoped no one would guess what had just happened.

When I returned, everyone was already seated at the dinner table.

Oliver was next to his dad, as usual. Jax was across from Andy, who seemed to have forgotten she had a boyfriend and a phone, she was so engrossed in conversation with him.

The only empty seat was next to Jax. I took it reluctantly.

Mom emerged from the kitchen with the food and gave me a concerned look.

“You look a little pale, Veronica,” she said. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

I wished everyone would stop asking me that.

“I’m fine, Mom, really,” I replied, a bit more sharply than I intended.

Stephen shot me a warning look, which I ignored. Any happiness I’d felt earlier had evaporated, leaving me feeling drained.

As Mom served the food and took her seat next to Stephen, I was acutely aware of Jax’s presence beside me.

I wasn’t hungry, thanks to my earlier bout of sickness, so I just stared at my plate, laughing or smiling when it seemed appropriate, trying to ignore everyone else.

About an hour into dinner, I felt Jax lean closer to me.

“I missed you,” he murmured, so quietly only I could hear.

I glanced around. Oliver was deep in conversation with Stephen and Mom. Andy was texting again, but she kept sneaking glances at Jax and me. It seemed my little sister had a crush on Jax.

Instead of responding to Jax, I forced myself to take a bite of the schnitzel Mom had made.

Jax wasn’t deterred. “Talk to me, Veronica,” he said softly, his arm resting on the back of my chair, effectively trapping me.

Since he’d asked so nicely, I whispered back, “I don’t want to.”

He sighed, clearly frustrated. “Why?” he demanded, and I turned to look at him. Our faces were suddenly inches apart.

Sizzle.

“Because you’re not good for me,” I told him, my voice tight with the sudden surge of electricity between us. “And I’m not good for you.”

“We’ve already had this conversation,” he said, his voice low and his face darkening. “And I told you it’s not your decision to make.”

“You also forgot something important I asked you,” I shot back. “Why are you here today, Jax?”

He didn’t bother with a fake answer. “Because I knew you would be.”

“Damn you,” I hissed, tears welling up in my eyes. “I asked you for one thing, just one fucking thing, and you couldn’t even do that.”

If he couldn’t respect my wishes now, when we were nothing more than two people who’d hooked up, there was no way we could ever be together.

“Because what you asked for is stupid,” he said, leaning in so close our noses almost touched.

“See!” I snapped. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You dismiss everything I say, everything I ask for, and it’s not right!”

“You want the truth? Here it is,” he said, his face stormy. “If I left you alone, you’d forget about me. You’d think I wasn’t serious about you, and you’d let go of your feelings for me. I can’t let that happen, so I’m back in your life, because what we have, what we could have, is magic. And you know it.”

And there it was, the same conclusion as always: He was selfish, messing with my head, not caring about what was best for me.

Sadness washed over me.

Our intense physical attraction meant nothing if he was going to act like this. It was all meaningless if our personalities didn’t mesh. And they didn’t.

“Enough, Jax,” I said, feeling exhausted and wanting to go home. “Just…enough.”

I turned away from him and stood up.

“I think I’m not feeling well after all,” I announced, loud enough for everyone to hear.

Andy, who’d been watching Jax and me, scowled at me.

Mom looked deeply worried, while Stephen’s face was thunderous.

“Do you need anything?” Mom asked, ready to do anything for me, which only made Stephen look even angrier.

“No, thank you,” I said, gathering my things, feeling Andy’s glare and Jax’s fury burning into my back. “I’m just going to go lie down. Goodnight.”

I was almost at the door when a hand gripped my shoulder. I turned to see Oliver, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“You brought Jax here,” I told him, feeling tired and sick again. “That’s what.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, grimacing. “I accidentally told him you’d be here, and he was so determined to see you, I couldn’t stop him…”

“You could’ve given me a heads up,” I said, letting out a sigh. “But it’s not your fault, Ollie. I’m just not feeling great.”

He looked unsure, so I pulled him into a hug.

“Let Stephen know I’m sorry,” I whispered into his ear. Over his shoulder, I caught Jax’s gaze. It was so full of longing that I had to look away.

“And tell Jax he needs to find another girl to pursue.” I added, my heart aching with each word.

Ollie let out a sigh.

“I don’t think that’s going to happen, Nix,” he said, his voice filled with honesty. He was probably right. Jax had some strange fixation on me, his infatuation teetering on the edge of obsession.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated, before I turned and ran from the house. My family was inside, along with Jax, and I knew that after tonight, their trust in me was shattered.

I was on my own now.