Love Lockdown

VERONICA

~“I’m not loving you the way I wanted to,”~

~What I had to do, had to run from you,”~

~I’m in love with you, but the vibe is wrong,”~

~And that haunted me, all the way home…”~

~– Kanye West~

***

The first people to see me after Dr. Jacobs gave me the all-clear were my mom and Stephen.

Stephen hung back at the door while Mom rushed to my side, crying like her world was ending.

“You foolish girl!” she cried. “You scared me half to death! What were you thinking?!”

I’d braced myself for this, so I said what any daughter would.

“I’m sorry for scaring you, Mom.”

She sniffled and held me so tight it almost hurt.

“Sorry isn’t enough,” she whispered, “you were sorry five years ago too, and you promised me you wouldn’t do it again. You promised!”

“I know, Mom,” I said, feeling drained, “and I’m really sorry I did it again. But I’m okay now.”

She pulled back just enough to look me in the eye.

“Are you?” she asked, her face tight with worry. “Because you being in the hospital makes me doubt that.”

“I am,” I insisted. “I talked to Dr. Miller, didn’t I?”

“But she said you need to consider going to sessions with her,” she said, sounding accusatory.

“And I will consider it, and I will make the right decision,” I said, and it was only half a lie.

I mean, I would think about it, for sure, but I couldn’t honestly promise I would make what she might see as the ~right~ decision.

“Charlene,” Stephen said, stepping closer. “Give the kid a break. She knows what she’s doing, right?”

He gave me a look that was almost overly protective. But I knew the protectiveness wasn’t for me; Stephen was looking out for my mom, and he saw me as a threat to her happiness.

That was one of the reasons I moved out and started living on my own so early.

I didn’t have anything against Stephen, really.

But he always made me feel like I was an ungrateful daughter who should’ve been grateful for still having a mom and a somewhat normal family instead of always focusing on the negative.

Sadly, I couldn’t change who I was, and I couldn’t just snap my fingers and make my problems disappear, much to Stephen’s disappointment. So, I put distance between Mom, Stephen, and myself.

As long as he made her happy, it didn’t matter what he thought about me, because I couldn’t make her happy in any way.

So, if it was a choice between Stephen or me, I’d choose Stephen. It was best for all of us.

“Listen to Stephen, Mom,” I said now, giving her my best fake smile. “I know what I’m doing.”

Or at least I hoped so.

Eventually, my mom gave in and let Stephen lead her out.

After a few minutes of peace, my friends came in. Laura, Warren, and Santana immediately smothered me with hugs and kisses and words of concern.

“We thought you were going to die!” Laura accused me dramatically and punched me lightly in the shoulder. “You’re never doing that to us again, got it?”

I chuckled. “Okay, I promise.”

“It’s not funny, Nix,” Warren frowned at me. “We’ve been worried sick for the past two days.”

“Yeah,” Santana said, and then shot a wry look at Warren. “We saw how worried you were when you made poor Ransom go and buy your anxious ass some ice cream.”

“I needed sugar,” Warren defended himself, crossing his arms, “and Ransom offered to buy me that ice cream, so don’t start.”

“I wish I had a gay lover,” Santana murmured, a mischievous glint in her eyes. “If these are the perks, no other man would do.”

Warren was slow on the uptake, so he didn’t catch her real meaning.

“We’re not talking about my relationship with Ransom right now,” he said heatedly, “we’re here for Nix!”

“No, please continue,” I said, holding back a grin, “you’re the best entertainment I’ve had in a while.”

“See?” Santana grinned wickedly. “Nix approves, so cool your jets.”

Warren’s frown deepened and Laura and I burst into giggles.

I was glad to see my friend happy again, because since her revelation about the baby, she’d been a bit down. She caught me looking at her with a small smile and returned it.

“So anyway,” Warren said, shooting a warning look at Santana before turning back to me. “How are you doing? Dr. Jacobs said you can be released in a few more days, but I want to make sure you’re really okay.”

My heart squeezed at his concern.

“I’m really okay now, Warren,” I said, taking his hand in mine and squeezing. “Especially now that you three are here. Speaking of which, where are Amy and Nick?”

“Nick got an invitation to audition for the big leagues of football,” Laura said, “and the audition is in Chicago tomorrow, so he and Amy flew out last night.”

“That’s amazing!” I said, thrilled for Nick. “I knew he would make it big eventually.”

“Don’t jinx it,” Santana warned, “he hasn’t even auditioned yet.”

“But it really is a big deal,” Laura said.

Warren watched me closely. “Aren’t you worried about Kyle?”

I hadn’t spoken to Kyle since we slept together.

I couldn’t bear to see him, and honestly, his absence was a relief. My life was already overflowing with exasperating men.

But curiosity got the better of me. I wanted to know what he was up to.

“So, what’s he doing these days?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

“He’s still writing his blog,” Laura shared, “and he recently joined a new rock band.”

“Really?” I was genuinely taken aback. “He never seemed like the type to take his music seriously.”

“We all thought the same,” Santana chimed in, “but it seems he’s finally growing up. The band is local, they play in underground bars, but it’s a start.”

“What’s the band’s name?”

“I can’t recall,” Warren admitted, deep in thought, “something like Frying God or something.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Frying God? Doesn’t sound too promising.”

Santana rolled her eyes. “It’s Fraying God, dummy.”

“Sounds like a hardcore atheist rock band,” I remarked. “Maybe there’s hope for Kyle yet.”

We chatted about Kyle and Nick’s new ventures until I almost forgot I was in a hospital. But some people were kind enough to remind me.

As Warren started to share his wedding plans with Ransom, there was a knock on the door.

Warren paused mid-sentence as I called out, “Come in!”

Jo, Lucy, and Erin walked in.

I tensed up, and noticed Warren, Santana, and Laura sizing up the newcomers. I did the same; Jo and Lucy looked genuinely concerned, while Erin’s face was unreadable.

I could only guess what she was thinking, and it wasn’t anything pleasant.

My three coworkers stopped in their tracks.

“How are you, Ver?” Jo asked, her eyes filled with sincerity.

Santana, Warren, and Laura looked at me, waiting for introductions. I cleared my throat.

“I’m okay, Jo,” I replied reluctantly, then turned to my friends. “This is Jo, Lucy, and Erin. We work together.”

“Oh,” Santana said, giving the three women a warm smile. “So, you’re the ones looking after our Nix at work, huh?”

“You could say that,” Lucy replied kindly, and a conversation started between her, Jo, and my friends. Erin, however, remained silent, and we locked eyes.

While the others were engrossed in conversation, Erin moved closer to me. My hands clenched, and I had to resist the urge to jump out of bed at her sudden proximity.

She sat down in the chair next to my bed and fixed me with a piercing stare.

“I don’t know what the hell this whole drama is about,” she said quietly, gesturing at the IV and my bandaged wrist, “but let me tell you, it won’t make me feel sorry for you.”

Instead of letting her intimidate me like she had a few nights ago, I met her glare head-on.

I wasn’t as vulnerable now as I had been then.

“Jo doesn’t seem to hate me as much as you do,” I murmured, “it seems like you’re the only one who has a problem with me. What did I ever do to you? I don’t know. But I’m sure it doesn’t justify your bullying.”

“Jo doesn’t like you, slut,” she hissed, “She’s here out of a misguided sense of duty, and because Jax is here too. So don’t fool yourself. You’re not as loved as you think.”

“You’re really a bitch, you know that?”

“Actually, I do,” she replied matter-of-factly, not backing down. “At least I don’t lie to myself. Think about that, whore.”

“So, Veronica,” Lucy interjected, breaking the tense silence between Erin and me, “how are you feeling?”

For the rest of their visit, Erin didn’t try to bully me. She barely said a word, letting Jo, Lucy, and my friends do the talking.

I put on a fake smile and laughed at the right moments, pretending everything was fine when in reality I wished Erin, Jo, and Lucy would just leave.

Jo and Lucy didn’t show any hostility like Erin had suggested, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to figure out if they were acting or not.

Eventually, they all left, promising to visit me until I was discharged.

I thanked them, and after they left, Dr. Jacobs ran some more tests on me before insisting that I eat something. He then went to find someone to bring me food.

That someone turned out to be Jax.

When he walked into the room, my breath hitched. He looked as handsome as ever, with his dark brown hair falling into his eyes and his deep blue eyes sparkling.

The only thing that seemed off was his angry expression and his soaking wet shirt, clinging to his impressive torso.

He was holding a tray of food and a jacket.

“How…” I began, pointing at his shirt, my voice trailing off.

He placed the tray on the bedside table.

“Someone bumped into me, and he was holding an open water bottle,” he explained, his voice guarded.

Dr. Miller’s advice echoed in my mind.

“I see,” I said, feeling my cheeks heat up. I wasn’t usually one to blush, but this situation was awkward.

Jax sighed.

“Do you mind if I take my shirt off for a sec?” he asked out of the blue.

I shook my head, and without turning around, he pulled off his shirt, revealing his chiseled abs.

I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his muscles, and when he turned around to close the door, which he’d just realized was still open, I got a glimpse of his back…

…And my world seemed to spin.

The morning after my first time with Jax, I woke up to find him lying on his stomach.

His face was buried in the pillow, and in the middle of his muscular back was a golden-and-black Hindu sun tattoo, right between his shoulder blades.

I was still a bit fuzzy from the night before, maybe even a little tipsy, and my mind wasn’t quite clear yet.

But I was sure about the Hindu sun tattoo.

That was the one thing I remembered about Jax from that morning.

Now, his back was bare, smooth and unmarked, his golden skin devoid of any ink.

My heart felt like it had turned to ice. “Jax?”

Jax pulled on his jacket and turned to me, raising an eyebrow. “Yeah, Veronica?”

My hands started to shake. “When did you get rid of the tattoo on your back?”

He looked puzzled. “Tattoo?”

“The Hindu sun tattoo, the one that was black and gold,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady despite the turmoil in my stomach. “It was on your back.”

His face showed concern.

“I’ve never had a tattoo on my back,” he said slowly, clearly aware of the impact his words were having on me. “Are you okay?”

For the first time since my session with Dr. Miller, I wasn’t okay. Far from it.

“What do you mean, you never had a tattoo on your back?” I asked, trying to remember the two times we’d been together. I’d seen his back, hadn’t I? He had a tattoo, didn’t he?

I couldn’t remember!

Jax’s large hand was on my forehead, soothing me, his eyes locked on mine.

“I’ve never been inked, Veronica,” he said softly. “I’m scared of needles.”

“I… I see,” I said, trying to hide my emotions, trying not to let him see that I was on the brink of falling apart. “I’m sorry, I must have confused you with someone else…”

I took a deep breath and managed a shaky smile. “I’m fine, really.”

Jax sat down in the chair and kept stroking my head.

His touch sent shivers through me, like it always did, but then I realized what he was doing.

He was checking to see if I was okay, touching me to reassure himself that I was fine, and that wasn’t his job.

He was acting like he was my boyfriend!

He saw the sudden fear in my eyes. It must have been obvious.

My muscles tightened involuntarily, and that feeling of losing control took hold, rooting me to the spot. He was really pushing my limits now.

As if he’d been burned, he pulled his hand away and clenched it into a fist at his side.

“You look like I’m hurting you,” he said, his voice tinged with anger and frustration.

He was hurting me, and now I understood what Dr. Miller meant when she said I should stay away from him.

He was trying, whether he realized it or not, to claim my body, and I couldn’t stand it, for whatever twisted reason.

It had to stop, and it had to stop now.

“Jax, I need to be honest,” I said, looking away from his ridiculously handsome face. “I…I need you to stay away.”

He made a sound that was almost a growl. “Why?”

It would crush him to hear that he was part of the reason I was lying to him now. I couldn’t hurt him like that because, as I’d feared, I cared about him. I cared about him a lot.

But it was only because of the small things he’d done for me. It wasn’t because I was drawn to his personality. It wasn’t because I was attracted to his intelligence.

It was all pretty superficial, but damn it, I still cared for him, and, as Erin and Oliver had already told me when I refused to listen, he cared about me, too. Maybe even more than I cared for him.

And because of that, I couldn’t deliberately hurt him.

So, I had to tell him the other truth.

“I’m not good for you,” I whispered, my heart aching as I prepared to tell him the rest.

“I can’t give you what you need and deserve. You’re a good man, Jax. You deserve someone without so many problems.”

I could feel his anger, but I wasn’t finished.

“You couldn’t handle my problems if you tried. You’re too kind, too whole to help me fix myself.”

“Please don’t let me keep hurting you by pushing you away, because I would still push you away, even if you were willing to take on me and my problems.”

I turned to look at him and saw his eyes filled with anger and disbelief. He opened his mouth, probably to argue, to tell me he was willing to take me on, but I knew better, so I cut him off.

“I just slit my wrist, Jax,” I said, my heart breaking a little more with each word as I saw his expression crumble. “Do you really think your kind, pure heart could handle that?”

“Could you handle what led me to do that? Even if I did want a relationship with you, and I’m not saying I do, once you found out about my problems you would try to fix me, and you’d end up hurting both of us.”

This time, he didn’t stay silent.

“That’s bullshit!” he snapped. “You didn’t even give me—or us—a chance! You’ve been running away from the undeniable connection between us like a coward and you won’t even listen to me!”

I flinched at his words, but he didn’t stop.

“I’ve been giving you all the space you wanted,” he said, suddenly gripping my face in his hands. “But I can’t deny it anymore; I like you. I might even be falling in love with you.”

“You’re captivating, you’re beautiful, I can’t get enough of you, I want to be near you all the time, but you won’t fucking let me.”

“I want to take care of you, I want to understand your so-called problems, and I want you to fucking let me!”

“That’s the problem,” I said, my voice breaking and tears filling my eyes. “You say ~so-called~, but these problems are real.”

“I know about them, and so does the therapist and this hospital. You’re not accepting that I have a mental illness, and that’s the main reason we can’t be together. It would only cause us both pain.”

“You can’t be sure if you didn’t even give us a chance!” His voice was loud now. I’d never seen him so upset; his face was almost completely red with anger.

“If you’d given us a shot and then decided it wasn’t working, I would’ve understood, even if it would’ve hurt like hell. But you’re not even willing to try!”

“I don’t need to try to know it’s not going to work,” I said softly, tears streaming down my face. “You barely know me, Jax. You don’t know the real me. All you know are my defenses.”

“And whose fault is that?!” His look of betrayal made me flinch.

“You’re always on guard, you never let it down and you never let me in! Of course, I don’t know you, but what I do know makes me want to punch every guy that even looks at you!”

“You don’t know anything about me,” I turned away from his hurt expression. “All that was ever between us was physical. You never asked about my likes and dislikes, about my favorite food or movies.”

“And yes, I didn’t ask you either, because it didn’t really matter to me, just like it didn’t matter to you. You’re falling for my body, Jax, not for me, and it’s the same for me.”

“You’re attractive. You find me attractive. We’re drawn to each other—”

“A lot?” His disbelief was so strong, it made his voice even louder. “It’s off the charts, Veronica! We have so much potential! We could be great together, I know it, I can feel it—”

“Jax, attraction isn’t the only thing needed for a good relationship—”

“You’re telling yourself that because you’re terrified of loving me or being loved by me!” he yelled.

“You’re acting like a scared little girl when you’re an adult! You need to stop pushing away everyone who could change your life!”

“That’s what you don’t understand, this part of me might never change.” My voice was barely a whisper now.

“I might never be able to love you without holding back and if we were together, it would destroy you in the end. I’m letting you go, Jax. I’m giving you an out. You should take it.”

He looked like he was about to explode again when he suddenly slumped down on the chair. He buried his face in his hands, shaking with anger, and took a few deep, ragged breaths.

After a few tense minutes of silence, he finally looked back up at me. His eyes were surprisingly soft, even though his jaw was still clenched in anger.

“You’re tired and hungry and hurting, and here I am, arguing with you and causing you more stress than you probably already feel.” He let out a harsh sigh. “I’m sorry for taking out my frustration on you.”

He was so good, so kind. Why couldn’t he see that he deserved better than me? Why couldn’t he see how truly incompatible we were?

“Jax, I’m sorry,” I said quietly, wiping a few tears from my cheeks. “But I meant everything I said.”

He looked angry again but managed to keep his temper in check this time. “You need to eat.”

So, I ate the hospital’s awful food while he sat next to me, silent, his eyes revealing his emotions. Pain, frustration, and worst of all: kindness.

He was too infatuated with me. He needed to move on.

When I finished eating, I pulled the blanket up to my chin.

“I think it’s time for you to go,” I told him, my voice barely above a whisper.

It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, that much was clear, but he complied. Before he left, he cupped my face in his warm, large hands again, looking deep into my eyes.

“I’m going to keep my distance for now,” he said, his voice hard, “but I won’t stay away for long.”

“I will fight for you, and I will keep coming back, and I will change your mind, and I will show you that I’m right and you’re just scared and need some encouragement.”

“I will make you open up to me, and I will learn all those things I want to know about you. I’m not giving up on you, on us, and you will learn to deal with me just as I will learn to deal with you.”

“You’ll see the true potential between us if I have anything to say about it.”

He left then, and I wished he wasn’t so stubborn.

I was only going to hurt him more than I already had.