Stay High

~“Spend my days locked in a haze,”~

~Trying to forget you, babe,”~

~I fall back down,”~

~Gotta stay high all my life,”~

~To forget I’m missing you…”~

~– Tove Lo~

***

Jax and I lay side by side, the silence between us heavy and thick.

I was scared to break it, and even more scared of what he might be thinking. I’d practically thrown myself at him.

He hadn’t just gone along with it, he’d been an active participant… I was at a loss for words.

What had just happened? What had we done?

I felt something wet on my cheeks and realized I was crying.

I wiped my tears away with a shaky hand, and then a large, warm hand curled around my waist, pulling me onto my side to face him.

In the dim light of my room, Jax’s eyes shone, his hair was tousled, and his lips were reddened from our earlier kisses. He was so good-looking it hurt to look at him.

Why was he here, in my bed, when girls like Hailey Pritchard were practically throwing themselves at him?

What was it about me that made him break his own rule about not sleeping with coworkers?

I could ask myself the same question. Why had I broken my own rules?

“I can hear your mind racing,” he said softly, breaking the silence.

I found my voice again.

“Why?” I managed to ask.

He looked confused. “Why what?”

My eyes filled with tears as I asked, “Why did we do this?”

To my surprise, he pulled me closer, our naked bodies touching.

“I’ve told you before,” he said, a small smile playing on his lips, “I couldn’t forget how you taste. I needed more.”

For some reason, his words made me blush. I wasn’t usually the blushing type.

“I heard from a coworker that you don’t get involved with other employees,” I said, trying to change the subject.

His words were having an effect on me, and I was starting to feel aroused again.

“That’s true,” he said, his smile turning into a smirk, “but you’re an exception.”

“And why’s that?” I asked, my heart pounding in my chest.

He pulled me closer and whispered against my lips, “Because.”

“That’s not an answer,” I said, my voice shaky. I could feel his lips against mine, smell his cologne, and feel every inch of his body against mine.

“That’s all you’re getting for now,” he murmured.

Then he was kissing me, his mouth taking over mine, his tongue exploring my mouth, and I was making noises I didn’t recognize.

I gave in and let him kiss me as if the world was ending.

Eventually, he pulled away and looked into my eyes. “Let’s make this a regular thing.”

Before I could process what he’d just said, my body tensed.

“~What~?”

His smirk disappeared as he studied me.

“We have chemistry,” he said, “and it’s clear you want me as much as I want you. Why not take advantage of it and sleep together whenever we want?”

I found my voice again. “I don’t do relationships.”

“I’m not offering a relationship,” he said calmly, “I’m offering a partnership. Just sex. No strings attached.”

I’d seen the movie ~No Strings Attached~ with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman. There was no such thing as a no-strings-attached partnership.

One person always ended up having feelings for the other, and then what?

“No,” I said, more harshly than I intended.

He looked at me, clearly unhappy.

“Why not?” he asked, his hand moving down my back and squeezing my butt.

I couldn’t think straight with him in my bed. I moved away from him, and when he didn’t let go, I dug my nails into his arm. He winced but let me go.

I got out of bed, not caring that I was naked, and started to get dressed.

“Because I don’t do relationships or partnerships or anything else that ends with ~ship~,” I said, pulling on my jeans.

“What about lovers?” he asked, and I turned to look at him. He was smirking. “That doesn’t end with a ship.”

“Not lovers,” I said, narrowing my eyes, “not anything. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have thrown myself at you. I’m sorry.”

He sat up, the sheets barely covering his body.

“You think it was a mistake?” he asked, his amusement gone. His eyes were a bright, intense blue.

I didn’t back down. I looked him in the eye and said, “It was a lapse in judgment. You were here when I needed a distraction. But it’s over now, so why don’t you get dressed and we can get back to work on this text?”

“You want to work on the fucking text right now?” he asked, clearly shocked.

“Yes,” I said firmly.

He got out of bed and dressed in silence. Then he turned to me, his face unreadable. I was scared because I couldn’t read him anymore.

“You work on the text and email it to me tomorrow,” he said flatly, “I need to leave, since you obviously don’t want me here.”

It wasn’t like that. My body craved him, yearned for him, imagined his hands exploring every inch of me in a way that was breathtaking.

But my mind was in full-on panic mode. My survival instincts were screaming at me, and the thought of having any kind of relationship with Jax scared the hell out of me.

He needed to leave.

Tears sprang from my eyes, a mix of sheer terror and another emotion I wasn’t ready to face.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, choking back a sob that refused to be swallowed.

Jax’s gaze softened a bit, but his thoughts were still a mystery to me.

“I’ll see you at work tomorrow,” he said, and then he was gone from the bedroom.

A few moments later, I heard the front door close.

***

By the time Santana, Warren, Nick, Amy, Kyle, and I arrived, Laura’s sorority house was overflowing with drunken fools.

Laura herself was far from sober, swaying with her arms draped around some cute guy, her cheeks flushed and her eyes glassy.

But when she spotted us, she stumbled over with a wide grin, slurring, “Hey people!”

“Hey yourself,” Kyle replied, chuckling as Nick caught her before she could face-plant.

“You seem to be having a good time,” Santana observed, her eyes already scanning the room for a good-looking guy.

“I am!” Laura declared, throwing her arms around my neck. “God, Ver, it feels like forever since we last saw each other!”

Her words were slurred, but I understood perfectly.

My job had been keeping me from seeing my friends as often as I’d like. The last time I’d seen Laura was at the sex party about a week and a half ago.

“It’s good to see you,” I told her, steadying her as she nearly slipped again.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to get drunk,” Amy announced, shooting a mischievous glance at Nick, who had his arms wrapped protectively around her. He returned her look with a knowing grin.

“Then let’s get you boozed-up!” Laura declared, and we all headed to the bar area to pour ourselves some tequila.

Once we all had a cup, we downed it together. I finished first and immediately poured myself another.

Kyle, ever observant, noticed.

“Whoa, Nix,” he said, sounding impressed, “you’re really going for it tonight, huh?”

“Shut up, Hamilton,” I retorted, downing another cup.

Kyle moved to stand next to me as Laura returned to her fling.

“Come on, Nix,” he said, his eyes smoldering, “it’s obvious something’s up.”

I tensed. Was it that obvious? Had I given something away? Pretending he was being ridiculous, I shot him a glare. “I just want to let loose a bit. That’s all.”

I downed another cup for emphasis.

He didn’t look convinced. “Why don’t I believe you?”

“Because you’re an idiot,” I shot back.

“I don’t think so,” he said, and suddenly his arms were around my waist.

“Come on,” he said, his voice dropping to a husky whisper, his baby-blue eyes darkening. “Tell me what’s going on.”

As if he cared.

While Kyle was a friend, he wasn’t someone I could confide in. Our friendship was casual, just hanging out and joking around.

The fact that he wanted me to talk about my feelings was unsettling.

“It’s none of your business, Kyle,” I warned him.

He moved closer until his body was brushing against mine.

“I have a guess,” he said, grinning when my eyes widened in surprise. “My guess is, you had sex with someone and you regret it so much, you want to forget it ever happened.”

My heart pounded. He was right on the money. At work today, I didn’t see Jax at all. He left me a note on my desk saying my translation was good and to keep up the good work.

Nothing else. No emails about our encounter last night, nothing. And I was okay with it. Totally okay with it.

In fact, I was relieved. It meant I didn’t have to deal with him pursuing me or anything like that.

What really bothered me was that I was lying to myself.

I wasn’t really relieved.

Another emotion had snuck in and taken root, refusing to leave no matter how hard I tried to shake it. And that was what had driven me here tonight to get drunk and forget everything.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Kyle’s voice brought me back to reality, and I looked up at him. He looked smug.

“Drop it,” I said, downing another cup.

He pulled me even closer, and I didn’t resist.

“Whatever the reason you think it was a mistake,” he said, “I just want to tell you, sex is never a mistake.”

He couldn’t be more wrong.

“Get your hands off me,” I said calmly, even though I didn’t really mind his closeness. That meant I was getting drunker than I’d thought. If I were sober, I would’ve never let him get this close.

“Don’t want to,” he said, and then, as if he couldn’t help himself, he leaned down and kissed me.

Memories flooded my mind.

While Kyle was kissing me now, in my mind I was kissing Jax. And when I wrapped my arms around Kyle’s neck and opened my mouth to his, in my mind it was Jax I was kissing.

Suddenly I was on the floor with Kyle hovering over me. His lips were on mine, his hands were all over me, and I found that I didn’t care.

If I’d already broken my rules with Jax, what was the difference if I broke them with Kyle? Besides, Kyle wouldn’t want anything from me afterwards. He just wanted sex.

Sex I could give. And so, sex I gave.

I can’t figure out why I stuck around for so long. Sleeping with someone who wasn’t into monogamy shouldn’t have been a big deal.

If I’d chosen to sleep with Nick, for instance, that would’ve been a colossal mistake. He wasn’t into casual flings.

But Kyle was all about casual. He didn’t have the same fear of commitment as Warren, but he was definitely not into having a steady girlfriend.

Kyle was a passionate guy, and if I were a typical woman, I might’ve found his passion charming.

But I wasn’t typical, and as I’d feared, Jax had spoiled me for anyone else.

So, I shut my eyes, and while Kyle was touching me and doing all the things that should’ve set me on fire, I pictured Jax’s large, rough hands instead.

I imagined it was Jax kissing me along my jawline, down my neck, to my breasts. I imagined Jax thrusting himself into me, groaning and whispering dirty words in my ear.

Thinking about him made everything so much more intense, and I found myself climaxing in about five minutes flat.

When it was over and Kyle finished, he said, “You’re so fucking sexy, Nix.”

I stared at the ceiling, feeling numb all over, and didn’t respond.

“I’ve been fantasizing about this for so long,” he murmured, kissing my throat and sucking, leaving a mark. “You feel so good, so soft, so warm. Why didn’t you want to do this sooner?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Nix…” he inhaled deeply, taking in my scent. “I think I’m hooked. We have to do this again.”

~“I’m not proposing a relationship; I’m suggesting a sort of partnership. Just sex. No strings attached.”~

“I’m serious,” he said, “we’re explosive together. I mean, you came more than twice for me. That has to mean something.”

~“So, what do you say we become lovers? It doesn’t have to end with a ship.”~

Kyle lifted his head and looked at me. Then he paused. “Veronica?”

I blinked back the tears and met his gaze.

“What?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

He studied my eyes, his eyebrows knitting together. “What are you thinking about?”

~“I told you before, I couldn’t forget how you taste. I needed to taste you again.”~

“Nothing,” I replied, my voice empty. “Absolutely nothing.”