Chapter Twenty One

Oh my head! I think we all did the fatal no-no, and mixed our drinks. I can certainly attest to the fact that vodka, gin, peach schnapps and Jack Daniels do not go well together. I don't actually remember much of the last bar we were in. I do, however, vaguely remember us all singing (very badly) along to Tiffany's, I Think We're Alone Now, in some crowded 80's bar that we had drifted into. Kim is already in the shower and that is exactly what I need right now. If I'm to look at all human today, I really do need to have a shower. "Hey, you're alive!" Jo jokes as she breezes into the bedroom, looking positively refreshed and de-hangovered.

"Just about." I grumble quietly, scraping my bed hair from off my face.

"I'm making bacon butties, do you want one?" She asks brightly.

"If you throw in a cup of tea, I will absolutely love you forever and I'll not breathe a word about our sensational singing in that bar last night."

She chuckles, looking at me with scornful brown eyes. "Not a single word to no one, right?"

With an angelic little smile, I nod. "Never." I playfully promise.

"The other bathroom is free, if you're wanting a shower." Jo smiles, about to leave the room.

Kicking off the duvet, I groggily stand. "Great." I say, looking for my overnight bag somewhere on the messy floor. Spotting it beneath a load of discarded clothes, I pull it free. "I'll be down as soon as I've finished." I tell Jo, trying to keep my eyes wide open and not squinting like a demented ferret.

Again, she chuckles. "Okay." Then she's gone, perkily humming her way down the hallway.

Kim now emerges from the en suite with a big brown towel wrapped around her dewy clean body. "Hey, you okay?"

Nodding, I'm now really keen to get cleaned up. "I will be after a nice hot shower." I wearily smile, still squinting like a demented ferret.

"I certainly did." Kim grins, pat drying her long blonde squeaky clean hair with a small hand towel. "I can smell that Jo has a yummy breakfast well and truly on the go." She eagerly adds, probably feeling just as hungry as I am.

Smelling the tempting aroma, I tell Kim what we both have to look forward to after our showers. "Bacon butties."

Kim's eyes greedily light up. "Yes!" She cheers, clapping her hands together, applauding the bacon that's deliciously being cooked in her kitchen by our dear Jo.

Smiling, I leave the messy bedroom to go and enjoy my much-needed shower. "See you in a bit."

It's only when I am beneath the hot water that's raining down hard on my very hungover body, do my hazy thoughts start turning to Rhys. After sending him my text before going out last night, I made myself turn off my mobile. It had to be for the cinema, anyway. But I decided not to turn it back on because I would have just kept looking at my phone, waiting for a reply from him. Which absolutely defeated my selfish night out, the one where I wasn't to think about Rhys and how much it hurts not being with him. So my phone remained in my clutch bag all night, only there for emergencies.

As soon as I have finished my very divine shower, I will go and grab my phone before having breakfast with the girls. As rough as I now feel, last night has indeed done me a world of good. It has helped me to put things into perspective. This past week, I have been doing it all wrong. I have been stupidly just living for the moments that Rhys would call me, but forgetting how to normally live. I have managed to survive a whole night without speaking to him and the world is still turning and my heart hasn't broken into smithereens. I can't put my life on hold for Rhys. As much as I care about him. As much as I love hearing from him. I have to carry on with my life when we are apart. Not be carried along by his. If we have any real future together, I have to do things right from the get go. And starting from today, I will.

With my wet hair and body wrapped snuggly in towels, I finally find my clutch bag on the cluttered dresser in Kim's bedroom. Unzipping the inside zip, I pull out my mobile phone and switch it on. As soon as it is on, my alerts start going mental. Five text messages from Rhys and seven missed calls from him. My heart feels tight with anxiety as I start scrolling through all of his messages.

Hey, have fun tonight!

I just need to know that you're okay. Your text sounded like you were down, please don't be, baby. Just text or call to let me know you're okay. I don't want you thinking that being apart from you is any easier for me over here, because it isn't.

I miss you so much. Damn, I miss you!

Love and lyrics, Rhys xxxx

His next text came a few hours later.

Jeez, I feel like I'm bothering you but I just need to know whether you're okay. Whether WE are okay?

The next after that was half an hour later.

Are you ignoring me? Have I done something wrong?

His next text is full of anger.

Jesus Christ Clara...just answer your damn phone!

The next is replaced with hurt and confusion.

I hate this! I hate not being able to see you or speak to you about what's going on inside that stubborn head of yours. I don't know what you're thinking, but please don't shut me out.

Just answer your phone or text me xxxx

I feel as though I've walked right into a thick wall of guilt. He sounded so upset and so confused in that last text. Flicking my eyes up at the clock on the bedroom wall, I make a mental note of the time: 9:47am. It will be early hours in the morning in LA, I can't call Rhys now. Instead, I quickly compose a text.

Hey, I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to ignore you. I just needed to work through some stuff in my head. My mobile was switched off, so I haven't seen your messages and calls until now. I'm so sorry if I've worried you. I really am okay. I'll talk to you later.

Miss yoooooooou!!

Clara xxxxxxx

Quickly sending it, I then rush to get dressed in my comfy jeans and off-the-shoulder jumper. The smell of the bacon butties can no longer be ignored by my famished stomach. Just as I am eagerly walking down the stairs, my mobile starts ringing in my back pocket. My heart starts furiously thudding in my chest and my stomach frantically flips over when I see that it's Rhys who is calling me. Anxiously, I answer. "Hello?"

"Hey." His voice sounds tired, restrained and unnervingly subdued.

"Hey." I quietly say back, knowing that he's got a whole lot more to say to me.

"So you've decided to no longer ignore me?"

Stopping dead on one of the stair steps, not wanting the girls to hear me on the phone, I glumly state. "I wasn't ignoring you."

"You send me a text message to say that you're going out with friends, that you needed to let your hair down and that you're pathetically missing me, then you turn your phone off so I can't check whether you're okay or not? Where I come from, that's being ignored."

Our conversation quickly becomes tense, unbearably tense. "I wasn't ignoring you, Rhys. I turned my phone off because I didn't want to keep checking whether you had texted or called. Where I come from, it's called having a life." My sarcasm rests on the telephone line, awaiting his delayed reply.

He's quietly thinking and breathing with agitation. "So this having a life involves ignoring me and trying to forget all about me. Is that what this is, Clara? Are you trying to forget about me?" His tone is accusatory and dense with disappointment.

Breathing in, I ready myself to explain everything. "I'm not trying to forget you, Rhys. I'm just trying to forget how hard this all is. I didn't think it would be this hard, but it is. This past week has just been about getting through the days, just so I can talk to you in the evenings. It's beginning to wear me down. Yesterday, I just needed to prove to myself that I can do normal things in a normal way without needing to hear from you. I feel like I am losing myself to how I feel about you. I really didn't mean to upset you. I just needed to do this for me. Can you understand that?"

Rhys's breathing can be heard down the line, composed and steady. "I understand more than you'll ever know, Clara." Then a long sigh is heard from him. A sigh that seems so very weighted down. "Are you still coming next weekend?"

Knowing that I've made him think that I have serious doubts about us being together, makes the guilt crawl deeper inside of me. "Of course I am." I tell him, trying to make my reply sound so full of optimism.

A rumble of anger reverberates through Rhys's throat, his frustrations getting the better of him. "Dammit, I wish I was there to hold you, Clara!"

Just as I'm about to answer him, Kim calls out to me from her kitchen. "Clara! Cuppa and butty is ready!"

Holding my mobile away from my ear, I shout back. "Okay, just coming!" Not wanting to leave Rhys hanging, I quickly answer him. "I need to go but we'll talk later, okay?"

"Tell me that you miss me?" His tone becomes deeply sexy.

Smiling down at one of the steps on the carpeted stairs, I tell him what he wants to hear and what I really do feel. "I miss you, Rhys Ryan. I miss you more than I can ever say."

I hear the satisfaction in his regulated breathing. "I miss you too, Clara Thorn." He is smiling, I can almost hear it. "Let's just get through this next week, okay?" I know what he is saying. He's wanting us to both promise one another that we can see this next week out, see it out until the day that we see each other again.

From an unknown somewhere, I seem to have acquired the strength to do just that. So my promise is easy to make. "Okay." That 'okay' means I will make it through the next week, that I will look forward to the day that we are together again.

"Do you want me to Skype you, later on?" He sweetly asks, wanting the permission from me before he does.

Another small smile comes to my lips as I enthusiastically give him my honest answer. "I would love you to."

His reply is lighter, happier and so very American. "Cool! Laters, then."

With my whole face now feeling the full benefit of my very broad smile, I happily say. "Bye, Rhys."

"Bye, Clara."

With my mobile clutched tight against my chest, I feel refreshed and happy even though our call has just ended. With my smile still sat upon my face, Kim suddenly pops her head around the bottom of the stairs. "Were you just having a gushy conversation with Rhys Ryan? As in, the Rhys Ryan that you recently interviewed?" A guilty crimson blush instantly radiates across my cheeks. Kim's eyes dramatically widen as a shocked gasp is expelled from her mouth. Grabbing my hand, she pulls me down the rest of the stairs. "Have you started something with Rhys Ryan?" Her question is borderline manic.

Feeling shy and a little awkward, I admit that I have started something with him. "Yes." Then wonder just how much of our conversation my lovely but very nosey friend had heard. "Were you ear-wigging?" I ask her with a knowing smirk.

Kim nods and then squeals, loud and right in my face before dragging me through her living room and finally stopping once we are in her kitchen. "Jo, guess who Clara was having a sweet and sexy conversation with on her phone just now?"

Jo looks at us both, completely unaware of what is unravelling before her as she grabs some brown sauce from out of Kim's fridge. "Uh, I'm crap at guessing...you'll just have to tell me outright." She casually says, turning her attention to her bacon butty.

"Rhys Ryan! Clara was on the phone to Rhys Ryan!" Kim almost shouts it out to poor, unsuspecting Jo.

Blinking rapidly, like she's trying to remember the name that Kim has just so loudly given her, Jo thinks for a few seconds. She keeps on thinking with a pulling frown. The pulling frown then deepens. Deepens a little more. Then it's almost as if her face illuminates when the name Rhys Ryan is quickly recognised by her overworking brain. Her frown lifts, her brows lifts, her mouth drops wide open. "Rhys Ryan? Mega hot and mega famous Rhys Ryan that you've just interviewed?" She excitedly asks me, her face positively glowing now.

Nodding, I can't contain my elated grin. "Yes." I proudly confess, my grin now almost a mile-wide across my very smug face.

The girls start clapping and squealing, then pull me in for a clumsy group hug. "Clara! How long has this been going on?" Jo shrieks out.

Trying to actually breathe in their girlie and zealous hold, I struggle to answer. "Since the interview."

"And you've only just told us now?" Kim smiles, pulling free from the jumbled mess of upper limbs.

Sweeping my damp hair from off my shoulders, I admit the truth to the girls. "It's early days. There isn't much to tell."

Kim pulls out one of her kitchen stools, instructing me with her eyes to take a seat. "There isn't much to tell? There's everything to tell, Clara! Start from the very beginning. Every little detail, we want to hear it all."

Jo sits beside me, pouring us all some hot tea into our lined up mugs. "Every little detail." She repeats Kim's words with a luminous twinkle in her very excited eyes.

Inhaling a deep breath, I share the wonderful beginning of Rhys and I. I tell the girls how I went into The Hyde expecting not to like him at all, yet came out from the hotel knowing that I did.

With an affectionate gleam in my eye, I also tell Jo and Kim about how he makes me laugh when I am with him and how he makes me smile when we are apart. I enjoy telling them how he can annoy the hell out of me but how I secretly always love it. With the girls hanging off my every word, I share how he makes me feel – happy, fulfilled, rejuvenated, content, wanted and special. I also share my fears – the distance, the separation, his fame and his reputation.

It actually feels good to talk about him out loud. I have been keeping so much inside of me, so talking to Jo and Kim feels pleasantly cathartic.

With an envious and dreamy mist in her hooded eyes, Jo quietly says. "It all sounds so sad yet so confusingly perfect. You want to be together, but can't be at the moment. The distance and his fame should be tearing you apart, yet it's bringing you even closer...I love it!" Her hands slowly rest upon her heart, romanticising all that I've just told her.

Myself and Kim both stare at her getting all whimsical and woeful in front of us, then we look at each other before bursting out laughing. "They're not in an episode of Downton Abbey, Jo." Kim pushes Jo's shoulder in a playful and teasing manner, still laughing.

Jo blinks away the romanticism of it all, her flushed face becoming super serious with us. "I know, but it's still a beautiful mess."

Jo may be getting carried away but she's absolutely bang on when she refers to my current relationship status as a 'beautiful mess'.

It is a mess. A wonderful and scary mess. A mess that I should be running away from but know that it's one that I am willingly running headlong into. Hearing Rhys this morning, sounding so hurt and so confused on account of my selfish actions last night, have made me realise just how much I really do care.

I care a lot.

I care an awful lot.

As hard as it is to care about him, I still care.

I will care today. I will care tomorrow. I will care for the rest of the week. Then when we see each other again, I will care a whole lot more. I will more than likely fall in love with him, if I'm not already.

"So what now, Clara?" Kim carefully asks me with a dear look of concern nestled in her kind eyes.

"I go to LA." There's new strength in my voice. New fighting spirit in my soul.

"On a plane?" Jo innocently pipes up.

Kim grimaces at her. "Nooooo, she's going to take a really slow walk over to LA." She sarcastically states with a theatrical eye roll as she softly shakes her head with a grin.

Jo pushes her, screwing up her face. "You're such a sarky cow! What I meant was that Clara hates to fly, yet she's flying out to Rhys...that tells me a lot."

Quietly impressed, Kim lazily nods. "I hadn't thought of that."

That is when both of their eyes slowly slide across to mine. For mere seconds, they watch my reaction with an inquisitive intensity. That intensity is only broken by Kim. "Jo is right. You are terrified of flying, yet you're going to fly out to LA to see Rhys Ryan. You really are in deep, aren't you?" She waits again for some kind of response.

I was in deep.

Helplessly deep.

Confusingly deep.

Willingly deep.

Wonderfully deep.

I was in as deep as I possibly could be.

Drawing in a breath, I admit my true feelings. "I know I shouldn't be, but I really think I am." I'm smiling but my reply is coated in a dusting of sadness. I miss Rhys so much, I can't help but sound sad.

The girls hear it in my honest and quiet voice, so they both sandwich me with a supportive and caring hug. As they draw back from their loving hug, they start pulling silly faces at me. "Everything will be fine, just you wait and see." Jo sweetly assures me, thoughtfully rubbing my shoulder.

For all of my sadness. For no matter how much I miss Rhys. I think Jo is absolutely right. Everything will be fine. Rhys and I, are both fine. Our relationship will be fine. Everything will be fine.