Sean

Apparently, hurt people hurt people so in some situations, I deflect.

Hie, I'm a college girl and these are my hits and misses in my first semester of college.

So, any good story has to obviously involve a guy named Sean right. It's the basic novel writing etiquette. (Clears throat).

After Tman, a previous hookup buddy, fucked up, Sean swooped in at the very best time. Sean was everything that I ever wanted in a guy. Besides that he needed more inches in height and he was boring. He was the first guy who I met on campus who had a car, and not to forget, he slept at the nice dorms. So I was attracted by that car fuel aesthetic.

So here is how I met Sean. He had been a thirsty puppy, texting me right before I even got to University, how he got my number is still a mystery but I can only assume he was a fan.

I think he started texting me like in June, when school was gonna start in August. He would always text me and I would ignore. I think somewhere in the lines I became like his fantasy girl, a challenge he wanted to conquer. And boy oh boy do I like being a prize. He kept on texting me, and texting and texting. Very desperate, very pathetic.

So one day he called me and I was like okay, fuck it, lemme give him a chance so maybe I meet him we don't vibe and he can leave me the fuck alone.

So I told him I had to meet my dad earlier that day. I think it was a Friday, he said that we could go off campus and get a snack and I was like okay cool.

So he came up to my room.  And upon first impression, I like to think he was cute. He had on this green jacket and to be honest, he smelled nice. In general he looked good…. From afar

So we went out to the parking lot and got into his white car. Which was nice. We went off to the nearest fast food joint and got ice cream then we returned to campus.

If I'm being honest. Sean was(is) boring and irrelevant, we weren't vibing but I made it work because I was in love with the idea of being involved with him.

I thought he was well off and had a nice social standing, I mean, he was a solid 7, had a car, was spending his money, and he had an identical twin brother which was fascinating to me. And like I mentioned before, l liked that car fuel aesthetic. So I thought, what's not to like, what's not to like.

So when we got on campus we started talking and I got him to open up to me.

He told me his dad had died earlier that year and how it was just his mom now. We quickly began trauma bonding.

Now that I'm reflecting, I wonder if that background story isn't scripted. I mean, who wouldn't want to be a bad boy with a traumatic past right?

Anyways, He even did like a mini breakdown, confessing to me how he didn't understand the whole his dad dying thing happened till now. I got a soft spot for him and that's when we started vibing.

(That bro needs an Oscar ASAP)

I guess he was being boring because earlier he had been superficial trying to impress me, or so I convinced myself to believe.

You know I was now genuinely having fun with him. We went up to his room and we were talking. I was sitting on a desk and he came and he attempted to kiss me. I knew that was gonna fuck things up and it did because, shit, it was a bad kiss. Okay, bad may an overstatement but I didn't feel it, I just feel like we were sexually incompatible and his braces got in the way. I got the ick, if I'm being honest.

But besides the bad sexual chemistry, I liked everything else, or at least the idea of everything else. Every time he would walk me to my room he would like give me some PDA, and honestly, it's nice to be liked in public. For real for real, even though it was a bad kiss, the fact that people would see me being liked, gave me fanny flatters instead of the kiss itself.

I know that sounds wrong but I don't think even he liked us kissing if I'm being honest.

Anyways Sean had red flags from the word go, because at the start i had my guard up like really up, i didn't believe the stories he was feeding me and he was too good to be true and the timing too convenient.

And of all the guys I've ever entangled with he made me feel the least about myself.

He never called me pretty, not once. I mean, everyone wants to be called pretty at some point.

He always expressed that he felt like he held me in high regard when he didn't know me, but because he knows me now, he is realising that there is nothing special about me.

In other words he thought I was overrated.

Me overrated? No way (bombastic side eye)

What a hurtful thing to say.

I would be like, are you talking about me? He would go, nope, I just mean things in general.

But my insecurities peaked always when I was around him. I had made him sweat for me and now he was just thinking, this bitch.

Anyways, we hung out a few times. I liked his image and what he was, was too good to be true.I should have trusted my instincts and fled right there and then. I was busy mapping plans for us in my head. But I bet he was already plotting my downfall.

I felt like he was faking it and possibly the car wasn't his. Then one time, we got to his room, where I met his twin for the first time in real life. They were identical, the only way I could tell this was real was the fact that they were together in the room.  You know the emotional thing about boys is, they will introduce you to their friends, their brothers and at the end of the day, you will just be a sidechick. A topic of laughter and conversation in their pastime.

Anyways we went for pizza and came back on campus, and hung out a little. Honestly, I just like the idea of his presence in my life, rather than saying that I intricately liked the one on one time we spent together.

He would tell me of his experiences when he was a freshman like me. Ultimately, it all just came to sex.

Sean wanted to fuck me and he didn't really hide it.

We would make out and he would express how it wasn't good enough for him and how he felt nothing. Well not nothing , but how he could feel more if I just…

I didn't know how to deal with it honestly and I was like what do I do? Because I wanted to keep him in my life, but he belittled me and imagined now if I had given him what he wanted.

So, I remember this one Saturday, we spent it together in his room. He had to go somewhere for a bit and I remember he left me alone there. Ladies and gentlemen, I tell you, I snooped, I snooped everywhere in his room. I went through his closet, his clothes, all his drawers, all his snacks. I went through it all. Then after I cleaned his room and I left. He came and took me from my room and we went to his room again. Then that's when things got messy.

We were kissing, and sorta dry humping. He manipulated me to take off a little access clothing, to enable a more skin to skin, for the pleasure sensation.He manipulated me to the extent that I took off everything else besides my shirt. He was even like don't worry no penetration will occur and I don't have to worry about any fluids flowing in because well, he put on a condom. It's like the devil was after my virginity.

Fuck. Till this day, I don't know how to explain. We dry humped but I felt like I had just been robbed of so much more. History was literally repeating itself. First Tman and now Sean. Was I really that easy or cheap? I felt like an ass and I just hated myself. I got mad and I stormed out.

He later came to me and addressed the issue. He said that I had freaked him out by storming out of his room because all along he felt like what was happening between us was consensual. He said that he took my reaction badly, and that I scared him.

Do you see the manipulation now?

The funny thing is, after this incident, Sean remained the only guy I seriously considered to want to make my boyfriend. I told him that my feelings and sexual expression only operate in the safe space of a relationship and since we didn't have that, that's why I felt like an ass, over the whole incident.

Then days after, he came to my room one evening, and told me that he couldn't give me what I wanted, (which was a boyfriend). He said that a lot was going on at home and he wasn't in the correct headspace to be a boyfriend and that what he wanted from me was a friend rather than a girlfriend.

The drama. (,it's like Rob from love island jumping into the pool again)

I remember he was even crouching in a chair, putting his head on his thighs like he was in a really tough time. I remember that I believed him, felt sorry for him. I really thought something major was going on at home since his dad had died and stuff. After that I never saw him again.

Then I later went to a club with my friends far far down the line and I met him there. We had eye contact and I went to dance and talk to him.

I said, "you look like you are having a good time for someone who is having problems at home"

"He opened up, told me he broke up with me because he was a notorious cheater and was engaged with a lot of girls at that time that he didn't want to do that to me".

"I asked him, of all your girlfriends, was I the ugliest that you had to remove me from the list"

Then he said,"no, you're not the only one I laid down"

"And I was like, you know what, I hope that God gives you the problems you were crying to have".

"Then he was like, Liv don't say that".

Anyways, my friends and I later got arrested for public drinking. A lot of people were arrested actually, including one of his friends. He came to the police station and bailed his friend out. He didn't even talk to me to ask if he could call anyone for me or anything. He just did the thing for his friend and left me there.

Fuck his friendship. I never talked to him ever again after that incident. But the worst part is, sometimes I think about him. Fuck. That was the craziest week of my college life yet

Let me take a moment to laugh. What a piece of shit