A Murder Of Crows {24}

I didn't know when Kieran planned to turn himself in. I needed to know what the situation was, and I needed to keep a close eye on it as it developed.

So after classes, I waited about an hour before going to the market, buying Jamison a coffee, and heading towards the Nest. Surely Jamison would be there, filling out a report on the incident with Kieran. I didn't know if the others would be with him, but if they were, it'd be easy to get him alone to go get something to eat.

I'd slowly started trusting Jamison without even realizing it. But the situation was too tense, and his emotions could be so unpredictable. I had to make sure I wasn't about to go down alongside Kieran.

I reached the Nest and took a deep breath before knocking on the door. It took a few moments, but Jamison opened it.

"Cor," he said in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Came to check on you," I said, holding up the coffee.

"Come in," he said, taking the coffee from me and stepping aside.

No one else was in the Nest. Jamison shut the door once I was inside and sat on the couch. I took a seat next to him, looking at the mess of papers scattered in front of him.

"Sorry, I'm trying to write a few reports about today," he said, looking exhausted. "I went to Headmaster Crowe during lunch and he called Kieran's parents. I met with Kieran after class to get his account of what happened."

"I imagine he didn't cooperate," I said.

"You imagined correctly." Jamison rubbed at his eyes and took a big sip from the coffee. He winced a little as it burned his mouth, but took another gulp before setting it down. "Thank you. For the coffee. I needed it today."

"Well, I figured," I said. "So what did Kieran say about the attack?"

"Confidential," he said, tapping his finger on a manila envelope. "Once I write up my reports, I'll deliver them to Headmaster Crowe and take it from there. But Kieran does still get privacy in the matter."

"You think this'll help you track down the Doctor?" I asked, secretly hoping he'd say yes. I wanted that asshole caught and behind bars so I didn't have to worry about him haunting me anymore.

Jamison slumped back on the couch. "I can't...I don't..." He rubbed his eyes again, biting his lip. "I don't know how to catch him. But the Academy...It's my job. I can't connect the dots on this, and I'm running out of time."

"It's not your job," I said. There he went, being emotional instead of logical again. "It's the police's job to catch a drug dealer. You're a student."

"It's my job to protect the students," he insisted. "The police aren't having any luck. If I look at it from a different angle, maybe I can find something."

"And maybe you can't," I said. "You're not a detective. You're just a student, Jamison."

He tugged at his hair, looking tired and frustrated and hopelessly overwhelmed. "You don't get it. It's my job to protect the students. The headmaster is counting on me. Everyone is watching to see how well I'll do."

"They should be watching the police. Just like Kieran should've spoken to the police, not to you," I said. Why couldn't he seem to get it through his head? Illegal activities were a job for the police to take care of, not some 17 year old kid with a fancy pin on his uniform.

"No, I had to know," Jamison said, the slightest shake to his voice. "I had to know what happened."

"He got the shit beat out of him. That's what happened. He shouldn't have been walking alone," I said.

Jamison was tugging at his hair again. "It's my fault. It's my fault." He closed his eyes. "I never meant for things to go this far."

"How is him getting beaten up your fault?" I said.

It didn't make any sense. Even not knowing the truth, it was Kieran's fault. If he'd really been jumped, it would've been because he'd been dumb enough to walk alone even after the Academy warned about the dangers. And in reality, it was his fault for going to the Doctor when he should've just stayed here and minded his own business.

Jamison looked at me, and the raw emotion in his eyes knocked away any words I might've said. He clenched his fists in his lap, dropping his gaze.

"I...I knew he was involved. I knew it. And when the problem got bigger and bigger, I didn't know what to do. So many kids were getting caught up in it. They were getting hooked on drugs, illegal and prescription, and they were getting beaten when they couldn't pay up. Kieran was the only one I could figure out was involved. I didn't have anyone else to go after. If I wanted to stop it, I needed to catch him," he said. "I got an anonymous tip that Kieran was involved, on top of my own suspicion. A picture of him sneaking off campus just a half hour before one of the attacks came with the tip."

Something dawned on me, and the force of shock from all of this stunned me into silence. I simply nodded at Jamison to continue. Just how deep did all of this really run?

"I investigated him secretly for a while. I found out he was sending money home despite being unemployed. I couldn't find him around campus several times when an attack happened. I started building a case against him. Cole was against it, but when he saw the evidence, he started helping me. We switched rotations to..."

"To get information from me and Val," I said. "I'm not stupid, Jamison."

He swallowed, fidgeting with his hands. "Yea, we did that. We knew Mia wouldn't talk to us. We were hoping you and Val would give us something we could work with. I wanted to corner him. I wanted him to feel so desperate that he'd only have two options: To come forward under our confidentiality policy, or to keep denying it but quit working for the Doctor out of fear."

"Wait, you don't plan to arrest him if he is involved?" I said.

"No," he said, looking genuinely surprised by the suggestion. "I knew if he was involved, it was only to get money for his mom. But drug money..." His face grew horribly sad, and he hung his head. "It's my fault he got involved. But playing the nice guy wasn't going to get me anywhere. He hates me, and I needed to work with that. So I played his game and I got as mean as him. I swear it wasn't to ruin him, though. I never wanted him arrested. I wanted him out of the drug business. I wanted the students on campus safe. I wanted Kieran to find a legitimate form of employment that wouldn't screw his whole life over. And instead, I pushed him too far and now he's..." He started tugging at his hair again. "He wasn't supposed to get hurt. No one was. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted Kieran to be safe from the Doctor. I wanted everyone to be safe from the Doctor. But I couldn't corner Kieran by being nice. I had to threaten him. I had to make him feel like he had no other option. I knew he'd do anything for his mom, no matter how dangerous or damning it was to himself or others. I had to force him to stop."

I reached out, pulling Jamison's hand away from his hair. He let me, and I watched as a few blond strands fluttered to the ground as he opened his hand.

"I only took that job back then to help my grandpa. I never meant to drive Kieran away. I never meant to drive him to drugs and violence," he whispered. "I just wanted to help my family."

"You never tried to fix it, either," I said.

"What was there to fix? Kieran loves his mom. He was never going to forgive me for stopping him from helping her," he said. "He thought I stole everything from him. It wasn't supposed to go like this. We were supposed to graduate together and take a road trip with Cole and Kenz and Mia. Everything went wrong."

I paused, thinking about Aria. What did she think? I'd cut her out of my life so suddenly, with no explanation. I'd done it in an attempt to keep Val away from her, but I'd never given a thought to how it would affect her.

"You can't fix it," I said at last. "It's too damaged. All you can do is what you think is best. If Kieran is involved, then, really, he should be arrested and charged. But in reality? You've both done some shitty things. So I guess it's up to you two to decide what happens next."

"I know you're involved," he said, finally looking at me. "Just tell if it was forced or not."

"Forced," I said. What good did denying it do me? Jamison had never had the intent of arresting any of us. "But not by Kieran. He didn't want me in his group. He didn't trust me."

I looked at Jamison, his body slumped like the weight of all the expectations on him was finally crushing him. The Academy put too many expectations on one kid. Things he shouldn't have to worry about had become his job, and he felt like it was his duty to fix something more suited to the police.

"I'm sorry, Cor," he said. "I'm so sorry. I knew everything in your file before I switched into your rotation. Corwin Lawrence Sander, 17 years old, son of researchers with plenty of credentials to their names. 3.8 GPA, accepted to every college you applied to, and with recommendation letters from several of the top teachers from the Academy. No history of trouble, in or out of school. Teachers noted you participated often enough in class and pulled your weight in group projects, but didn't seem to socialize much." He let out a humorless laugh. "I was expecting what I got when I first met you- you gave me what I wanted so I'd leave you alone, and wanted nothing else to do with me. I didn't expect you to be so...God, I don't even have a word for you. You're so much more than what a file can capture."

"You never tried to get information out of me," I said. It had been weighing so heavily on my mind this whole time. I'd always been on guard for him to sneak answers, but he never had.

"It didn't take long for me to realize you didn't want to be involved in it. You were just another victim," he said. "I wanted to help you, not use you."

All this time, I'd thought Jamison was the kind of guy who put the book a shelf higher. And he did. But once you'd learned your lesson, he took it down and handed it to you. He didn't make you struggle on your own the whole time.

He wasn't what I had been expecting. I wasn't what he had been expecting.

"I want to know the real you, not what the files say," he said, reaching out and lightly touching my sunglasses.

"I'm probably a lot more interesting in the files," I said, nodding at him.

He slowly pulled my glasses off. The world blurred as he held them in his hands and took in the sight of me.

I'd believed my whole life that your eyes gave everything away. Where you were looking, when you were and weren't paying attention, what you were feeling. Eyes were too revealing, so I'd hidden mine away behind sunglasses.

I knew what he was seeing wasn't very impressive. Light green eyes, squinting as I tried to make definitive shapes out of the blurred sights in front of me.

But he reached out, brushing his fingers close to the edge of my eye. His hand slid around, lightly tangled into my hair, and he pulled me close.

We kissed, just one more secret shared between us. Jamison was not a good person. He was not a bad person. He just made decisions and tried to do what he could to make things right. He screwed up, but didn't we all?

"I just want to help everyone," he mumbled, pulling away from my lips and resting his forehead against mine. "I don't know how to do that. Someone always gets hurt, and I have to live with that." He twirled my hair around his finger. "My grandpa, he's a war vet. He always said that sometimes people need to get hurt for things to get better. He said you have to live with the weight of your actions, but it's still lighter than the weight of inaction. He said when the ghosts of the lives he took haunted him, he'd go into my room and watch me sleep and know it was worth it to fight for my peace."

He straightened up and handed my glasses back to me. I put them on, blinking as I adjusted to the improvement in my vision and the sudden tint to the world. Jamison watched me, looking sad and tired.

"I don't want to hurt anyone. But I have to put the majority above the individual, don't I?" He raked a hand through his hair. "I have to make these choices, and none of them have ideal outcomes. But if I don't stop this drug thing, more students like you could be forced into the situation. More kids could get hurt, or be stuck with life-ruining addictions."

I pulled his hands away from his hair again. He stared down at my fingers wrapped around his wrists.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry it went this far. I'm sorry no one helped you," he said quietly. "I'm sorry for all of it."

"If he turns himself in, you have to promise not to arrest him, or blackmail him, or let it slip that he was involved," I said, surprising myself. There was no reason for me to stick my neck out for Kieran. I didn't gain anything from it. I didn't lose anything if his life was ruined. But the words had slipped out anyways.

"None of that was ever my intention," he said. "If Kieran turns himself in, he gets the same confidentiality and protection as the other students who have come forward."

"And me?" I said.

"You came forward to me. That's all it needs to be, unless you want me to talk to the headmaster," he said.

I shook my head. "No. I can handle myself."

"But you don't have to do it alone," he said.

I closed my eyes. "Yea, I know."

I released his wrists and stood up. He'd gotten it all off his chest. I couldn't tell him what to do. I couldn't make his choices for him. He'd have to figure that out for himself.

All I could do was make my own choices.

"I've got something to do. I'll text you later, if you want to get dinner," I said.

"Dinner sounds good. Thank you, Cor." He stood up and walked me over to the door. "Really, thank you. I'm glad you turned out to be so different than your file had me thinking."

"You can't figure people out from a few facts in a file," I said with a shrug. "People are more complicated than that."

He opened the door and watched me leave. I took my phone out, gripping it in my hand as I left the building and made my way off the path, down to that big tree stump.

I sat down, sending out the text before I could stop myself. I put my phone away after checking the time. I had no idea if this would work, but I'd never know if I didn't try.

I waited. And waited. And waited.

Time passed, and I wondered if this was all pointless in the end. Some damage was just irreparable.

But after what felt like an eternity, I heard the slightest rustling. I looked over, the air seeming to leave my lungs.

"I got your text," Aria said. She came over and sat next to me on the tree stump, running her hand over it lightly. "You always did love this tree."

"I shouldn't have cut you out like I did," I said.

"No, you shouldn't. But I guess I brought it on myself," she said.

"What? How?" I said.

"That girl, Val. She said she needed help with her computer. Said she'd heard my friend Cor was good with them. I said you were really good with computers, but she was a big girl and if she needed help, she could ask you herself. Then all of a sudden, you were avoiding me and hanging around her and her friends." She looked down at her fingers as they brushed over the tree stump. "What did she really want?"

"Someone who could hack," I said. "She blackmailed me. And you."

Aria gave the slightest smile. "I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass someday. You vandalize one teacher's house and you never live it down."

"You would've been expelled if it got out that it was you who did it," I said. "And I would've been expelled for helping. Or expelled for hacking. Or, well, really there were a lot of things that could've gotten me expelled."

"I always did pull you into trouble." She reached out and took my hand, pushing the sleeve of my blazer up. She pulled something out of her pocket and slid it onto my wrist.

A bracelet. A simple bracelet, handmade, light blue and green thread twirled together. Aria inspected it a moment before letting go of my hand.

"I never did find an unbreakable bracelet. But things are supposed to break. You fix them. Or you make something better." She glanced at the bracelet. "You have to tell me when that breaks so I can make a new one."

I felt a lump in my throat and tried to swallow it down. I'd missed Aria. I'd missed her so terribly, and I hadn't even realized the extent of it until now.

"You've changed. You've grown." She looked at my sunglasses and I nodded. She pulled them off, looking into my eyes, drowning me in her gaze. Just like she always had. "You're not getting rid of me as easily this time, Cor."

"Good," I said.

"Good," she said.

And just like that, we really were good. Something between us was stronger than any other connection I'd ever formed with anyone. I'd always find my way back to Aria.

"Do you need help?" she asked.

I'd never needed to be able to defend myself, because Aria had always done it for me. But I wasn't the same helpless boy anymore.

"Maybe," I said.

She smiled lightly. "See? You've changed. That wasn't a no."

"I'm going to fix everything," I promised.

"You can't fix it. You just have to make something new. I hope it's something better," she said.

I leaned close to her until our shoulders were touching. We didn't speak. I looked down at the bracelet on my wrist, wondering how Kieran survived each day knowing he'd never have Cole back in his life. Living with that reminder on his arm.

I would make something new. No more games. No more living move to move, nothing but a win in sight. I wanted to make something better than another game. I wanted to make a life for myself, and I wanted these people I cared about to be in it.