A Murder Of Crows {18}

Two days was all it took to realize just how absolutely, royally, impossibly fucked we were.

The security had been increased, and their guard rotations had widened to make sure no one was sneaking on or off campus. Students were allowed to leave campus, of course, but only by signing out so they were accounted for. Anyone caught trying to sneak off would be taken to the headmaster's office.

The Crows were still encouraging students to come forward, but I was guessing several already had. Jamison seemed more tired, but also more confident lately.

Kieran had called the Doctor to report the status of the Academy, and told us that the Doctor was not pleased. He was sending out a different Collector while Kieran was trapped here, and though Kieran didn't say it outright, I had a feeling the Doctor was threatening him to come up with a fix to this problem.

It was bad.

Kieran didn't have a source of income anymore, and no way to sneak on and off campus. Val also did some digging and found out the Academy was setting up more security cameras to cover blind spots the security patrols might miss.

We were all doing our best to act casual about the situation. I was worried about Kieran getting caught, though. Would he eventually slip out our names if they caught him?

Honor for honor, that was what I was relying on. So I'd told Kieran about Jamison coming to my room, making sure it was very clear that I had the opportunity to sell Kieran out but hadn't.

Now, the four of us sat at our lunch table, none of us speaking. Val seemed at ease, but Kieran and Mia were clearly lost in thought.

"There's got to be a way," Mia said at last, looking up at Kieran. "I know it's risky, but I can try to get money for you."

"Don't bother. I bet they've already warned your dad to keep an eye on his account. And you know Caleb won't lend you any money," Kieran said, ignoring the flash of anger on Mia's face.

"Couldn't you tell Darby not to talk to any of the Crows, then?" Mia said.

"That would just make me look even more suspicious," Kieran said. "If I start acting weird, Darby will tell my dad, and he's already pissed about me hitting Cor. He'll have the headmaster call me in, or one of the counselors. It'll just bring more attention to me."

"Who's Darby?" I said. If she was a factor in this situation, I needed to know.

"She..." Kieran hesitated lightly. "Darby helps my family."

"So what does she have to do with this?" I said.

Kieran rubbed his temples. "She told Jamison's family about me sending money home. If the Heitor family runs into her again and I'm off schedule for sending money, she'll mention it if they ask. She doesn't know where I really get it from. She thinks I tutor on campus, and do various work around the Academy."

"And your dad never questioned this?" I said.

Kieran shook his head. "He's on navy deployment. I told him the same lie I told Darby when I sent money home."

"What, are your mom didn't catch on either?" Val, laughing a little at the dirty look Kieran shot her. "Just a joke. Calm down, Kier."

"Don't joke about my mom," Kieran snapped. "I'll turn you in if you do that again."

"You won't turn me in," Val said dismissively. "You know I have enough information to crumble half the Doctor's empire if you do."

Kieran grumbled out threats under his breath, turning his attention back to his lunch. I still didn't fully understand the situation, but it wasn't looking like a good outcome was in our future.

I stood up, abandoning my half-eaten lunch. "This is too moody for me. I'm going for a walk before class."

I picked up my tray, dumping my food and getting rid of the tray. I left the dining hall, relieved when Val didn't follow me.

Outside, it was quiet, most students in the noisy dining hall. A few kids sat outside, reading or doing homework in the comfortable solitude.

Making my way around the dining hall, I found a quiet, isolated spot off the path to sit. I rested with my back against a tree, closing my eyes.

I opened them at the sound of footsteps, looking up at Jamison. He sat across from me, so close our knees brushed together as he folded his legs underneath himself.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"You're the one who looks exhausted," I said.

"Late night," he said, giving half a smile. "Lot of work for me now that we're tackling this drug issue. But it's worth it."

"Why do you care? You'll graduate and move on and forget about this place and its problems," I said.

"Is that what you think?" His half smile disappeared. "I've been a Crowe student my whole life. Crowe Elementary is where I met most of my best friends. This is where I got a good education to drive my future. This is where I got opportunities I wouldn't have had anywhere else. Not only do I owe this school, but I owe its students."

"You don't owe them anything," I said.

"Yes, I do. I took this position to make a difference. I wanted to make a positive change in this Academy," Jamison said.

"By kicking out anyone who didn't share your vision?" I said. "Funny how only your friends remained when you took over."

He shook his head. "No, you're wrong. They didn't agree with what I wanted to do. They didn't want to do the work. They just wanted the benefits without the workload. So I got them removed. If they're not willing to put in the effort, they don't deserve to be Crows. This position gives us extra privileges, but we have to work to earn them. They shouldn't just be handed to us."

This is what I didn't understand about Jamison. Everything he did seemed to be so cold and calculated, but then you found out he actually did have morals. He was willing to play dirty to get a clean result.

"Cole can be lazy, but he always ends up putting in his fair share of work," Jamison continued. "Kenz has always been a hard worker. And I took Nia in because she was passionate and ready to do what needed to be done."

"But Kieran wasn't a hard enough worker to make it to the Crows?" I said.

He looked surprised. "How did you...?"

"Know about Kieran and the Crows thing? I hear gossip," I said.

"It's not that he's..." Jamison sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face. "Kieran is a hard worker. But he just doesn't..." He sighed again. "Kieran has methods the rest of us didn't agree with. He was changing a lot back then. He would've been bad for the Crows. I know he was going through a hard time with his mom, but I had to think of what was best for the organization. It wasn't personal against Kieran."

So Jamison had kept Kieran from the Crows. But surely that wasn't all the bad blood between them.

Jamison dropped his gaze, and suddenly he looked infinitely exhausted. "He wasn't always such an asshole, you know. I know his mom getting sick had a lot to do with it, and his dad always gone so they could afford her medical bills. But he just went downhill so fast. Everything about him changed, and it's like all the bad things about him that we overlooked because of the good just took over. The Kieran I knew and the Kieran you know aren't the same person."

"People change. I'm sure he'd tell me the same thing about you," I said.

"I want to help people," Jamison said. "That's all I've ever wanted to do."

What was the point of helping people if you hurt others to do it? Sometimes I felt like I'd never understand Jamison.

But maybe that was why I couldn't stop thinking about him. Jamison was an enigma, and I had always loved mysteries.

He wasn't all good and he wasn't all bad. No one ever really was. It was all about perspective in the end. Did Jamison hurting a minority to save the majority make him a good person? In my perspective, no, it didn't. But clearly, the Crows thought differently, because they helped him and agreed with him.

Then again, how was I any better? I was willing to help a drug lord beat his targets just to keep myself and Aria safe.

Jamison and I were more similar than I wanted to admit. Everything about him was open and inviting, but he kept the truth hidden behind that smile. Everything about me was closed off, but I let the truth bleed through my actions and my words.

Emotion versus logic.

"I don't know what it is," Jamison said, leaning a little closer to me. "Do you trust me, Cor?"

"Not one bit," I said.

He cracked a smile. "Never took you for a fool."

He kissed me, and maybe I wasn't as honest as I liked to think. I trusted he meant his words. Maybe not all of them, but the ones that truly mattered. I trusted that he knew I was aware of his facades. I trusted that this wouldn't end well but I was a fool for kissing him anyways.

He pulled away from my lips just the slightest, close enough I felt his breath on my chin. "Tell me how to help you."

I reached up, my fingers brushing through his hair. "Tell me how to trust you."

He hid his expression in another kiss, burying our questions and our answers. He knew the truth. Even if I denied it until the day I died, Jamison knew I was involved.

But he didn't threaten me like he threatened Kieran. He offered me help. Why? Why did he want to help me? Why would anyone want to help me?

I could remember standing in my parents' library with my father as a child, looking at all the books. "You have a book on everything," I'd say.

"Don't be foolish, Cor," my father had said dismissively.

I'd reached for one of those books, my fingers brushing against the shelf but too short to reach the book itself. My father had watched me, shook his head, and picked the book up. Instead of handing it to me, he'd placed it one shelf higher and headed for the door.

"When you can figure out how to get it yourself, you'll earn the privilege to read it," he'd said, shutting the door and leaving me alone in that room, surrounded by knowledge I was too small to reach.

I'd learned that day. I'd learned that no one handed things to you. That you couldn't expect anyone to help you. That you learned to help yourself if you wanted to get anywhere.

My father wanted me to be independent, maybe out of a parental desire, maybe out of a selfish one. Had he taught the lesson too well?

I dropped my hand from Jamison's hair and lightly pushed on his chest. He backed up the slightest, looking at me for what to do next.

I met his eyes, reaching out and lightly gripping his chin. "You can't help me. All you can do is walk away and help yourself."

"I don't walk away," he said, voice confident.

"Your funeral," I said, tilting his head and kissing him again.

And that was all there was to it. We both understood what a mess this was, but we were both willing to accept the consequences.

I'd never kissed anyone besides Aria. I didn't know if my heart was supposed to beat this wildly. I didn't know if my hands were supposed to shake like this. I didn't know if my mind was supposed to be whispering Jamison's name on repeat, like there was nothing else in the world to think about.

Eventually, we pulled away and sat next to each other in silence. Jamison put his hand over mine, not holding it, just a light contact. Neither of us spoke.

Jamison checked the time after a little. "I've got to head to the Nest. Will you be okay?"

"Was I not okay before?" I said.

He stood up. "Have you been okay in a while, Cor?"

I opened my mouth and paused. No one had asked me that. I'd never thought about it.

Had anything been okay without Aria?

"Go to the Nest," I said at last, aware I'd hesitated too long. "I'm old enough to take care of myself. I don't need the president looking after me."

"Well, you know where the president will be if you need him. I won't be in class, but if you want to get dinner with us, just text me," he said. "I'll see you later, Cor."

I watched him disappear from sight and leaned back against the tree. I ran my finger over my lips, feeling the jagged rip of skin from my wound.

"Sneaking around with Jamison now?"

I looked up at the sound of Kieran's voice. He leaned against a tree, crossing his arms, his face neutral.

"Enjoy the show?" I countered.

"You're making a mistake," Kieran said, as if I didn't already know that. "Jamison Heitor is a leech."

"He stopped you from being a Crow," I said, knowing it was risky but wanting the truth at last.

Kieran tensed up a little, but his expression didn't change. "Just one more way he screwed me over in the end."

"You're not exactly pleasant enough to be a Crow," I said.

A grin cracked through on his face. "I never cared about any of that. I just wanted the privileges that came along with being a Crow."

"This is getting out of control. All of it," I said, standing up.

"He'll turn you against us," Kieran said. "You're not loyal to us, I'm not an idiot. You're loyal to yourself, and that's the only reason you bite your tongue. But he'll break all of that and turn you against us in the end."

"You seem pretty sure of that," I said.

He turned, walking away. "Cole was my brother in every way but a biological one, but Jamison turned him against me too. I don't let betrayal catch me off guard anymore. But if you betray us, just remember that you're not the only one who will suffer for it."

"What did you need?" I said.

He stopped walking, looking over his shoulder. "Need?"

"You came looking for me. What did you need?" I said.

"I saw Jamison follow you out. He didn't come back. Neither did you," he said, and started walking again.

I let him leave, unable to comprehend what any of this meant anymore. My head felt foggy, like Jamison's kiss had taken all rational thought.

What did I want?

I wanted to talk to Aria. I wanted to kiss Jamison. I wanted to understand Kieran.

I wanted this mess to be over. I wanted to know what it felt like to have someone hand me the book instead of placing it out of my reach.

Maybe someday I'd want something I could actually have.