Chapter 34: Guilt and Regret

Its 3 am

And i lay awake questioning myself

How things would have turned out

If that one thing didn't happen

Thinking about things i should have said

Or things i shouldn't

And i can't help it

I can't stop it

___

Jaimie-mae was curled up in, what seemed like a very awkward position to Fabian, on a chair against his bed. Not once did she complain and so neither did he. They were talking and playfully arguing with each other to pass the time.

Not once did Jaimie-mae seem bored and leave his side. She was always... there.

"Hey Jaimie?"

"Yeah."

"You still haven't come up with a nickname for me yet."

"I'm not good with nicknames."

"But your good with mines."

"How would you know that. I haven't used one yet."

"Make up something unique. Something only you will call me, so that when I hear it, I know it's just you."

Jaimie-mae smiled to herself. "Okay how about... Fabian the freak?" She asked playfully.

He gasped and then winced. "That hurt more than my ribs do right now."

She laughed lightly. "Sorry. How about... F.S?"

"Nah, that's my secret agent name."

She giggled a beautiful sound that rang through the room, lighting up the dull area. "Oh. What agency do you work for?"

"It wouldn't be a secret if i told you then, would it?"

She shook her head.

"Well i'm going to make an exception. There's an agency somewhere. And I work alongside this wonderful person. The persons agent name is J.C."

"Woah cool. Would I happen to know this agent?"

"I think you would."

She sat up excitedly. "Oh. Well is it Jackie Chan?"

Fabian immediately burst out laughing and then winced painfully, holding onto his sides to stop all of his laughter.

"No stupid. It's Jaimie-mae Cole."

"Ohhh, I should have known. Well, what do the agents do?"

"They go on missions together and help each other out."

"Oh, cool. I like that."

"Yeah me too. J.C and F.S against the world."

Jaimie-mae liked the way he told her his ideas and his stories. He was so enthusiastic about it. The handsome smile never leaving his slightly bruised face.

"You know how you call me Jaimie-baby?" Jaimie-mae cringed when she heard it come out of her own mouth. She only liked hearing it come from Fabian. It sounded normal.

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Well maybe I should call you Faby. Its a mix," she said with a cute, proud smile.

He chuckled. "I approve. But don't you dare use that around anyone else. It's between you and me."

She nodded.

"Pinky promise?"

She held out her pinky for him and he twirled his larger one around hers. "Good."

"Oh wait. What about the Fabster."

He laughed again, still in pain, as he looked down at Jaimie-mae who was curling up on the chair again. She made him forget that he was in extreme pain without even trying.

She had no idea how important she was to him and he had no idea how to explain that to her.

Some things just couldn't be explained.

***

"What the hell are you doing back here?" Justin asked as he shoved his way through the hospital room door.

Fabian jumped and cursed under his breath from the pain he had just caused himself.

Jaimie-mae was sleeping peacefully on a bed beside him, not aware of the anger that radiated around Fabian's father.

"I'm recovering," he replied plainly.

Justin was really angry now. He didn't seem like he knew what to do with the anger. His mouth opened and closed, he grit his teeth, growled and then kicked the foot of the hospital bed Jaimie-mae was in.

She immediately shut up out of bed with a squeal, though her eyes were still remained closed.

"Fabian are you okay?" She asked as she rubbed her eyes, forcing them to open. When her eyes adjusted she cowered back into the bed at the sight of Fabian's very tall dad. She threw the blankets over her head like a child and Fabian had to hold back a snicker even though he knew she was nervous.

"Hello Jaimie," Justin said, his voice deep and slightly threatening.

A muffled 'Hi Justin' came from under the blanket and the two boys just looked at the shuffling figure on the bed.

"Why do you keep getting into trouble with Jaimie-mae, huh?" Justin whisper yelled to Fabian.

"She had nothing to do with this. So keep her out of it," Fabian growled.

"You cause so much trouble. Trouble's attracted to you like a damn magnet. You are such a disappointment."

Fabian bowed his head a little. Somewhere in him knew the words that his father spoke weren't completely true. But he couldn't find that spot in him at the time. He did disappoint people. It was a normal thing. He disappointed his father. His high school teachers. His friends.

The two men hadn't even realized that Jaimie-mae had climbed out of bed until she crawled over to Fabian's side, right at the foot of the bed. She kneeled, almost protectively, in front of Fabian, her head held high and her fist clenched.

"Fabian," she started, sounding so very sure of herself "is not a dissapointment. He is an amazing human being who cares for his family. You might not realize it, but he is far from a dissapointment. In fact, he makes me proud. He makes me smile and laugh and happy and... h-he makes me feel warm and fuzzy. I don't even know how he does that," she mumbled that last part under her breath.

Fabian was having to bite his lip, almost to the point of drawing blood, to stop himself from smiling until his cheeks grew muscles.

"You might not be able to understand why he does the things he does, but you need to understand that the things he does do, he does them so well. I mean, why can't you see that his art is amazing? I'm sure the things you have stuck up in the house in frames aren't dissapointing."

Her voice was trembling now and Justin was trembling with pent up anger.

"Why can't you see that he'd do anything for his family? For the people he cares about? Why can't you see the good in him? Why is it... that you can't see past that two percent of imperfectness? If you can't, i will. He isn't perfect, of course, no one is, but he's as close to perfect then anyone else i know."

Fabian was just about ready to take Jaimie-mae and kiss her to death. He wasn't an emotional dude, but man did he feel the need to cry and laugh at the same time.

No one ever seemed to care as much as Jaimie-mae did for him. She stood up to his father. And his father was not an easy person to face. He was scary when he wasn't in high spirits.

Justin didn't know where he could release all his anger and stress, he ended up having it sent out towards the leg of the bed. His foot did enough damage to shake the bed and leave Jaimie-mae just about ready to pee herself.

"Yo dad! Whats up with you? You're scaring her!"

Fabian tried to reach her but he had to stop when the pain in his ribs flared up from the sudden movement.

"Jaimie?" He wheezed out. "Jaimie!?"

Fabian finally noticed the glazed over look in her eyes and he cursed under his breath.

"Is she...?" Justin trailed off.

Fabian glared at his dad then proceeded to ignore him as he scooted closer to Jaimie-mae.

"Jaimie, come back to me, please," he pleaded softly.

Justin watched with slight guilt in his chest. He knew that Jaimie-mae was a sweet girl. He knew it well. And he approved of her. But not of the troubles she'd come with.

What his son didn't know is that his own brother had fallen for a girl with PTSD. Him and the girl were inseperable and Justin was happy for his brother.

However, one day it all became too much for her. His brother tried to bring her out of it, but she just kept seeing her past. Her fears. She couldn't get it out of her head. She couldn't stop it. So she stopped everything. She ended her pain.

Justin's brother broke that day. He shattered and was left with only the memories that the girl he loved left with him.

He watched his brother fall apart. He was there physically, but he wasn't really there with them. Justin couldn't blame him, he had lost the love of his life.

He didn't want that to happen to Fabian. He had to stop it.

Fabian reached out to touch Jaimie-mae and she surprised the both of them by swinging round and nailing Fabian with a punch.

"Ouch! Oh man she's got a mean left hook," Fabian gasped out.

Jaimie-mae seemed to come out of her daze so Fabian reached for her again.

"S-stay away," she said as she leaned back.

Fabian felt like the wind was just knocked out of him. She had never really pushed him away before. He was usually what kept her grounded.

"Jaimie, it's me."

She seemed to be looking right through him. "He won't go away. Why won't he go away?"

"Who? Who won't go away."

"The man with the gun. He keeps coming for me."

Justin and Fabian shared worried looks between each other. They were both wondering what really happened to her.

"No, leave!" She shouted as she scurried further away from Fabian.

Fabian suddenly felt sick to his stomach at the sight of the obvious fear on her face.

"Jaim listen to me. You're safe. You're not there. Come back to me, come back to me Jaimie-baby."

Justin watched the whole thing with a heavy feeling of guilt weighing down on his chest. He realized how much his son cared for the girl. He couldn't exactly tell what made her so special to him. But he did know that she needed him.

Jaimie-mae snapped out of her daze, her body shaking with silent sobs.

"A-are you okay?" Fabian asked quietly. He inched towards her but she stopped him when she leaned away. "Do you want a hug?"

"I w-want my mom," she whispered.

He stared at her, feeling slightly rejected.

"Fabian you should call her mom," Justin said with a frown.

"O-okay. Where's your phone Jaimie?"

She pointed to her backpack on the floor and Justin picked it up and passed it to Jaimie-mae. She didn't make any effort to look for her phone, so Fabian went through it instead. He called her mom and told her the situation, all with a heavy heart.