Hidden in Plain Sight

The first week is the weirdest, it feels like walking slow-motion in a dream;

You still go about your day but for once, nobody knows what's happening.

No updates, no statuses, no exciting news to report to the world-

My stamina depleted from competing, thoughts of: "Why can't I be as pretty as that other girl?"

I'm so sorry if you feel slighted or abandoned, I just simply had to let you all go;

But if I ever feel brave enough to come back, I promise you'll be the first to know.

And I never realized my birthday was a secret until it wasn't announced on my social page-

People I've worked with and known for years but not a single text or call or exchange.

But please don't worry, I'm not shaming, I admit I probably don't know your birthday either-

There's no pressure for any presents, there's no party of mine you're missing, just my husband, myself and a few loyal readers;

Nestled up in blankets within our room, I pull the curtains closed and refuse to be deterred-

Hidden for so long while I type up my morbid thoughts, tattered posters outside asking: Has anyone seen her?

At first doubting my self-worth without online admirers to praise and validate it-

But as days and weeks and months fly by, I've become startled by the positive changes.

Passing that big one year mark, I finally paused and took some notice...

That I stopped caring altogether about the likes and views and societal focus.

Picking apart my body, my skin, my clothes, my sense of style―it all feels like a distant nightmare;

Now i've grown a gentle love for each imperfection, each stretch mark, each little body hair.

I'll admit I'm afraid to go back to bad habits, that glowing screen can be so damn enticing-

I pray to maintain this inner strength, my old and new self battling such major splicing.

Nearly two years to reflect on my mistakes and regrets, I am so remorseful to those I've let down;

I've been writing and writing and writing in hopes that in time, I shall make you all proud.

A blank page turns into a chapter, an empty journal now transformed with scribbled notes-

To my family and husband, I thank you profusely, for loving this timid and ghastly ghost.

I stare wide-eyed at your beauty, I write you poems from the visions in my dreams;

My muse and my guide, these people in my life, you are the only ones who make me feel seen.

I am the camouflage woman, in your sights for a moment and then I'm gone (and my invisibility cloak fastened on tight!)-

I'll love you from a distance, each and every one of you, until the day I step back into the daylight.

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