Chapter 5: Panic Attack

The minute their car was off our street and out of sight I stormed over to her house needing to get some things off my chest. I’d been waiting long enough and I couldn’t wait anymore. I knocked for what felt like forever before her mom finally answered the door.

“David why in the hell are knocking on my door like a maniac?” She snapped clearly pissed at me. I groaned ignoring her question.

“I’m sorry ma’am, but I have to tell her. She needs to know. This damn secret has been eating me up since day one.” I blurted watching as she paled as she realized what I was saying. “I to tell her.”

“You aren’t doing a damn thing boy. If you want to keep her around, if you want to be able to bloom your pathetic little crush into something more then you’ll keep your fucking mouth shut.” She glared at me as I returned the look just as vicious if not more.

“I don’t have a pathetic little crush that I’m trying to force into being something more. I love your daughter and the only thing stopping me from acting on it is the fact that you paid me nearly seven thousand dollars to be her friend. However, it’s not going to matter that I only accepted the money because I wanted my truck. It’s not going to matter that she had me hooked from the first time she uttered a word to me. When I tell her she’s going to think that it was all a lie. She’s going to hate me and it’ll be all my fault, but I’m prepared for it. I’m telling her.” I spat more confident than I felt. There was more as too why she would hate me, but I couldn’t stomach her thinking of me like that. I can deal with her thinking I was a liar and a fuckboy.

“Before you can get the chance to tell her anything David, I will forbid her to hang around you and when she asks why I’ll say it’s because you killed a girl. Now get the fuck out of my house!” She yelled as I gasped.

“H-how d-did y-you-?” I stuttered, unable to complete the question.

“Your mother has a big mouth. Bye now.” She smirked as she held the door open for me. It was no point in hiding my defeat. She was right. She held my biggest regret over me and she won with it. Maria could possibly forgive the money, but she would always be afraid of me if she knew I was responsible for someone’s death. I reiterate, I wouldn’t be able to stomach her thinking of me as a murder.

I needed to distract myself. Get my mind off of the flashbacks attacking me. It was my fault. Everyone knew it was my fault. My clothes felt like they were melting into my skin. It was like I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt tight and I could feel the tears running down my cheeks.

She was my next door neighbor. We had grown up together since our parents took turns babysitting. She was easy to talk to and gave me the best girl advice. She wasn’t really my type dating wise, so we easily became best-friends.

I should have walked home with her after the game, but I was the only freshman on the varsity team. I wanted to hang with the popular kids. Hell I wanted to be one of them.

I didn’t know.

I didn’t know about the things the older kids did. I didn’t know about how wild they could get. I didn’t know that they played games with death trying to figure out how long they could cheat it. I didn’t know she would be out still. I didn’t know she went looking for me. I didn’t know how intoxicated he was as he took another swig before taking a long drawl from the joint. I didn’t know she was that bump we hit. I didn’t know she was the thump on top of the car. I didn’t know that she was crying out for help because the music was too loud. I didn’t know that the two minutes I spent listening to the older kids praise my skills was all it took for her to take her final breath.

I didn’t know and it killed me not to know.

My throat was closing up as I gasped for air, the guilt settling deep within me. If I had just walked home with her then it wouldn’t have even happened. She would still be here because they wouldn’t have been on our street. I could’ve stopped it. I could’ve stopped her from dying.

It’s my fault. It’s all my fault and I deserved this panic attack that was closing off my airways.

Dad spent our entire time together teasing me about Dave and then randomly getting serious. I had to swear on the restaurants menu that I wasn’t having sex and if our food came back nasty, he’d know I was lying. It was such a flawed logic, but he made me laugh. It was something I needed as flashbacks kept coming to mind.

“Sweetie do you want dessert?” He asked, breaking me from the memory. I shook my head before shrugging and checking my phone for the time.

“It’s getting kind of late dad.” I sighed.

“It’s never enough time when you’re with the prettiest girl in the world.” He smiled as I blushed.

“Fine. Want to split an ice-cream brownie with fudge with me?” I caved. I knew I would, but I didn’t expect it to be so easy.

“Sure.” He smiled before calling the waiter over to place the order and when the waiter left he looked at me with a look that scared me.

“Sweetie, I know you’re almost seventeen now and your life is getting a bit busier, but I want you to remember that this will never change. I will always be here. Even when I’m gone I’m only a phone call away. I will always drop everything I’m doing and answer that call. Never again will I miss a call, and if you tell me that you need me I will come home instantly. No questions asked.” He grabbed my hand from across the table as water filled his eyes. I sighed, for once understanding how much my actions back then really hurt him. Finally seeing how much having me as his daughter scared him.

“Daddy, you have to stop beating yourself up over that night. I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have been drinking at all. It was all my fault.”

“Whatever you did doesn’t give some random asshole permission to almost hurt you. It’s not your fault at all. Luckily someone heard your cries and came to help.” he deadpanned. It was too bad he didn’t know what had been happening since. The rumors only made me wish I could remember something more than I did.

“I wish I could remember who so I could thank them profusely.”

“Me too Bug, me too.” I held my head down suddenly feeling sick. I didn’t remember much of that night, but I didn’t like what I did remember.

It was freshman year, a time when Clarissa and I were friends. We were celebrating being the only freshman to make varsity cheer and had been invited to one of the upperclassmen parties. Clarissa begged and begged me to go and because she was one of the few friends I had I didn’t want to disappoint her. Now I wished I had stuck to my original plan.

Seconds after we arrived she kept shoving drinks into my hand saying I needed to relax and have some fun. Most of them I had poured out.

I was fine.

I was still coherent.

I wasn’t drunk.

Then that last drink came and it hit me like a boulder. I was swaying and knocking into people. One minute Clarissa was gone and the next she was on side of me helping me up the stairs. She kept saying how I just needed to lay down for a second. She promised she would wait with me. Then she left.

I was still in and out of it. My head was killing me and then I heard the door open and close. The voice was garbled, but it was definitely deeper than Clarissa’s. Whoever it was started touching on me trying to tug off my pants. I felt weak as I struggled to stop him. Before everything went black I heard a scream pierce my ears and only hope that it was mine.

The following Monday all kinds of rumors were out about me. Clarissa had stopped talking to me and I went into my shell. Dad said someone brought me home with a note saying they stopped what was about to happen. I cried for two weeks straight feeling dirty. They may have not done the deal, and from what I remembered, they’d still done more than I was comfortable with. Dad was there and all mom could do was get mad because my status at school fell.

“Daddy can we please?” I whispered tears in my eyes.

“Go wait in the car. I’ll get the bill.” He rushed as I got up and practically ran out of the restaurant. My chest was tight as I choked out sobs feeling disgusting all over again. The more that night played in my head the more I realized Clarissa had set me up. Why would she do something like that? It felt like I couldn’t breathe. I screamed my lungs out as my door suddenly opened before I realized it was just my dad. He pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear that he was there as I just cried.

I didn’t talk as we drove home. I didn’t talk when we got home and neither did he. He just let me cry until I was nothing more than a few whimpers and some sniffles. He helped me upstairs completely ignoring my mom’s pacing. She was upset about something, but I was feeling too drained to even pretend to care. Dad kissed my cheek before leaving me alone. I turned my light on and found myself staring out my window wishing that he knew I needed him without me having to ask.

To my surprise my eyes found his brown ones. He looked like hell. His hair was disheveled and he looked like he was seconds away from passing out. My phone vibrated scaring me.

He asked. I shook my head no as more tears came to my eyes.

Was all he texted. I didn’t know what he meant, but I wasn’t feeling bothered enough to ask. I was numb and I just wanted to hide under my covers. Going into my closet I changed into a pair of black spanks and a red tank top. My bra was off and my feet were free from the heels I insisted on wearing.

I was getting ready to turn the light back off when there was a knock on the window. I gasped, my heart pounding from fear before I realized it was only Dave. His eyes were swollen as if he’d been crying also. He was shirtless although it was kind of a chilly night. I moved aside allowing him to come in through the window. Even though he was only wearing a pair of pajama pants we were still matching.

We both stood there staring at each other in silence before he pulled me into a hug. A sobbed escaped me before I could help it as I felt teardrops hitting my shoulder. It was clear that something was bothering him, but right now wasn’t the time to ask him about it. It was a silent confirmation that he needed this night together as much as I did. He led us over to my bed before we laid down. I was confused about what to do so I just laid on my side unmoving.

“Minnie?” He asked, breaking the silence we’d been building.

“Yes Mickey.” My voice sounded as shaky and worn as his, but it was something we had to ignore.

“Can I please hold you?” He asked, his voice breaking halfway through. I only nodded as I scooted closer to him. Whatever was wrong with him would have to wait another day to be found out. Right now silence was what we needed.

......................

The silence of the night was eerie. I didn’t know if she was asleep and I was too scared to open my mouth and ask. This was my one chance to be like this with her and I didn’t want anything to ruin it. Seeing her tear stained cheeks both put fear in my heart and broke it. When she hugged me, I knew her mom had given me a chance to come clean to her myself. She looked so broken though that I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t hurt her more than what she was already hurting.

“You have no idea how much I love you. Nor how sorry I will always be.” I whispered before kissing her on her forehead.

I could feel myself being shaken awake. I was so comfortable that I didn’t want to move. Dave’s arm was still wrapped tightly around my torso pulling me closer to him. My eyes popped open to see my dad staring at me worriedly.

“I can explain.” I breathed groggily.

“No need princess. I talked to his mom. I know he had a rough night also. I’m just glad you had each other.”

“So I’m not in trouble?” I asked confused.

“Not for this. Not this time. I just came to tell you that the school called. A gas pipe burst and it’s not safe to be there for a couple days. Mom is gone and his parents are okay with him being here. I’m getting ready to leave. I love you and I’ll see you later.”

“Love you to daddy.” I whispered before he kissed my forehead and left as I laid back down getting comfortable again. In no time I was deep in dreamland.

.......................

I woke up to the smell of bacon. I yawned before getting up to take a shower. The warm water felt like heaven on my stiff body. My face felt swollen from all the crying I had done. Today was the kind of day to just be comfortable.

Once my shower was done and my muscles were relaxed from hot water, I threw my curly hair up in a messy ponytail before throwing on a pair of light grey sweatpants and a black long sleeve shirt. I couldn’t have a comfortable day without my trusted pink fuzzy socks.

I could still smell the bacon cooking and hear the dogs starting to bark. Dave must have been the one cooking. Last night was unexpected in so many ways. I felt closer to him than I ever had before. Being close to him calmed me in a way I hadn’t ever experienced before.

I tried to shake away everything as I walked into the kitchen and groaned. Dave too was wearing a pair of light grey sweatpants and a black long sleeve shirt with his hair in a ponytail.

“Please tell me you don’t have on pink fuzzy socks too Mickey.” I whined as he grinned before lifting his foot up.

“They were my moms, but I’m keeping them.” He laughed as legitimate shock filled me. He actually had on pink fuzzy socks. I rolled my eyes as we went silent as he finished cooking. A few minutes later he placed the most delicious looking plate in front of me.

There were pancakes, breakfast potatoes, bacon, sausages, eggs and fruit. He grinned weakly as he slid a large cup of orange juice towards me.

“Do you think we drink too much juice?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood in the room.

“Maybe.” He shrugged before sitting next to me. “Minnie we need to talk.” He sighed.

“Not today Mickey. Last night was too much for me. I just kind of want to relax today and just spend some time together.”

“Fine, but we really need to talk.” He spat, sounding annoyed and panicked.

“And we will, but not today.” I growled shaking my head before grabbing my plate and going into the living room. Maybe some tv would stop him from trying to ruin the peace we’d built around us.

“Minnie what the hell?” He asked, stomping behind me. “Why are you acting like this?”

“I already said that I didn’t want to talk Dave. A real friend would listen and try to understand. Are you a real friend?” I threw the accusation at him immediately feeling bad about it. That wasn’t meant for him neither was my anger, but I was exploding. I needed to get it out, I’d apologize later.

“Your mom told you.” He whispered going pale as he stopped in his tracks. All kinds of alarms went off in me. I played along trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

“Of course she told me idiot! How could you?!” I snapped forcing tears coming to my eyes.

“I needed the money Minnie. She didn’t know I was already interested in you. So when she offered me seven thousand to be your friend I thought it was perfect. I could kill two birds with one stone. Make a new friend and finally get my truck.” The room went silent as everything stopped.

What did he just say? Did he really-

What was left of my heart shattered.

“You and Clarissa really do deserve each other.” I cried tears free falling down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop them even if I wanted to.

“Minnie I’m so sorry.” He cried tears of his own coming down his cheeks.

“WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE YOU?! EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER SAID WAS A LIE! EVERYTHING ABOUT US HAS BEEN A LIE! You’ve been getting paid to hangout with me. You and Clarissa must have a field day laughing about everything. You sicken me.” I was pacing now trying to calm myself down. I was being a bit of a hypocrite right now, but I didn’t care. I have never been so mad right now. I was livid. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted to see his blood.

“Minnie it’s not-”

“Don’t call me that! Don’t you dare call me that! How about you just go to your little girlfriend and ask her about how we used to be friends? Ask her about the rumors she spread after she tried to have me raped and failed. Ask her?! Or maybe she already told you and you thought that playing nice would make me want to give it up to you. I guess you both failed. Just get out of here. I never want to see you or talk to you again.”

“Maria please?” He begged.

“GET THE HELL OUT!” I yelled, throwing the plate of food at him and hitting him in his face. I was shattered as I ran to my room and locked the door behind me. I had no idea what was real anymore. I couldn’t believe my mom could do something like that. I was sick to my stomach and just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to die.