Chapter 32

“Tori dear, you’re here.” Mrs. Becket greeted me from the doorway of her small apartment. “What a surprise.”

I smiled politely at her and gave her a hug. “I hope it’s alright that I’ve stopped by?” I asked.

“Of course it is. You know this is your home too. Come say hi to Tommy, I know he must be thrilled to see you again.”

“I would love to see him. I miss him so much Mrs. Becket. I hope he hasn’t forgotten me just yet.”

Mrs. Becket laughed and led me further into the house. “Not likely.” She commented. “We’ve been showing him pictures and we’ve tried to teach him some words. I know it’s too soon but we thought we’d get lucky.”

“Did you?” I asked amused.

“Goodness no, that would be something though. Tommy would be a genius although, I already think he is. He has the Becket gene in him afterall.” She grinned.

I laughed, “I agree, the Becket gene sure is a powerful one.” We walked into the spare bedroom where I saw Tommy’s cot set up. I walked in cautiously. I found Tommy standing upright in his cot, using his hands on the bars for balance. He held a tight grip on the wooden pillar. His face broke out into a grin when he saw me and he squealed loudly. Recognition flashed across his face and I sighed in relief. Tommy began to bounce up and down on his legs in excitement, his .gummy smile radiating the room. He tried to stretch his hands out for me to pick him up but lost his balance in the process. Suddenly gravity took over and Tommy fell backwards onto his bottom on the soft cushion of his bed. He sat still for a second as he got over the shock and then he tried again. He crawled to the bars and pulled his body up again. He bounced again and this time get his grip on the bars.

I laughed at his antics and quickly went to gather him in my arms. He pushed against my face as he tried to get as close to me as possible. I hugged him tight to me and kissed every inch of his body that I could find. “I love you so much little man.” I gushed and added more kisses to his body. “I missed you so much. Did you miss me?” Tommy gurgled and touched my face. I took it as a yes. I turned to Mrs. Becket who sat smiling fondly from the doorway. “I’ve come here to take him back.”

Mrs. Becket never dropped her smile and I had to give her credit. It couldn’t be easy to have your grandson with you every day and then have to give him back to someone who only let you see him once a month. “Let’s talk in the kitchen over a cup of tea.” I didn’t like tea but I followed anyway. Mrs. Becket boiled the kettle and then poured two cups of Rooibos Tea. I smiled politely and let it sit in front of me to cool. I was hoping I could accidently forget it until it was too cold to drink. I really couldn’t stand the sweetness of Rooibos tea. “So do you think you’re ready to care for him again?” Mrs. Becket asked as she picked up a shortbread biscuit and dunked it in her tea. I watched as the soft biscuit soaked up the tea and then as it was lifted, crumble back into the cup. Mrs. Becket repeated the action and I cringed every time. One thing I couldn’t stand as much as tea was having floating soggy crumbs in my drinks.

“I’ve gone to therapy and my therapist seems to think I’m doing a lot better.” She mulled it over as she sipped at her steaming tea. I had to hand to her, though her mental stability was heading towards questionable, she still had a lot of intelligence left in her.

“So because your therapist says you’re ready, that means you’re ready?”

“I’m not sure.” I frowned.

“Do you feel ready Tori? Do you feel better?”

“Yes, I’ve been sleeping better and I’m finally eating more than one meal a day. I feel happier than I have since I lost Maggie. I can breathe better now. I’m not filled with as much anxiety and guilt. I feel like I can finally be who Maggie intended me to be.”

“And who was that dear?”

“Myself,” I answered proudly. “I’m not ashamed or guilty about being me. In fact I want to be me. Like my therapist Dr. Joan Rich said, I need to embrace it.”

Mrs. Becket grinned and held her tea up for a toast. “Cheers to you Tori. You finally figured it out.” I clashed my cup with hers and sat back in my chair. I got comfortable with Tommy on my lap and chose to just focus and enjoy the conversation around me. I was tired of thinking too much and caring about what others thought of me and if I was acting appropriately. I was just going to start being me. Nothing could be better.

Later that afternoon, after hours of fun conversation and plans for Maggie’s birthday, I was ready to go home. This time I was taking Tommy with me. Mr and Mrs. Becket helped me load all of Tommy’s things into my car so I could take it home with me. I drove home happily with the music playing softly in the background. I could hear little sounds coming from Tommy and I knew he was okay. I had stopped stressing every time I climbed into a car. I couldn’t control the forces of the world but I could control how I let them affect me and I was stopping it from affecting me negatively. Living a life in constant fear of the unknown doesn’t help prepare you or stop you from being affected by the unknown; all it does is give you an ulcer.

I had soon arrived at home and was happy to see both my parents’ cars in the driveway. I parked my car behind my fathers’ large Hatchback and put the car in gear and pulled the handbrake up. I excitedly jumped out the car and went to collect Tommy. He was laying calmly in his seat, his little eyes drifting close and then flying open, scared that he had missed anything important and worthwhile. “You need to stay awake just a little bit longer little man.” I nudged his nose with my finger and he giggled.

I ran up into the house with Tommy, leaving all his gear in the car. I wanted to first surprise my parents before I fetched the rest of his things. “Mom, dad I’m home!” I called out. “Where are you guys?”” I asked while closing the door behind me.

“In the study Tori.” My mother called back. I walked to the study at the back end of the house and could hear low mumblings from the door the closer I got. They were busy it seemed. Maybe it wasn’t a good time. No, it was. Tommy was as much theirs as he was mine. They would be thrilled to know he’s back in the house. I knocked on the door, “come in Tori.” My mother answered. I pushed the door open with my foot and then my bum.

“Look who I found?” I joked and lifted Tommy’s chair high in the air. It felt a little silly to be displaying him like a toy but it was a special occasion. Tommy was back in our lives and back for me to keep as a reminder of who Maggie was.

“Is that Tommy?” My mother squealed and rushed towards me. Tommy screamed in excitement and stretched his arms out wide. My mother fought with the belt buckle until it loosened quickly. She pulled Tommy into her arms and began to gush over how big he had got. I hadn’t even noticed his increase in length and weight. It still shocked me how much and how fast babies grew. My father abandoned his work and joined his wife in baby loving and adoration.

I smiled softly, once again marvelling at how much my life had changed. I was feeling better than I had in a while and I had Tommy. I may not have Maggie or Kevin but what I did have was enough for me. The rest would work itself out eventually.

I just knew it.