Chapter 31

I was back at therapy and feeling a lot better than I had when I last came. “Dr. Joan Rich will see you now.” The young receptionist called out and I smiled before making my way towards the office. Joan greeted me happily at her door and I replied in the same cheerful tone. Once I found my seat, Dr. Joan Rich turned to me with a smirk, “I take it my experiment went well?”

I nodded, “it did. I didn’t get the outcome I wanted but I feel freer.” I thought of my confrontation with Kevin and frowned. He hadn’t called or texted and I was starting to worry that maybe I had imagined all our encounters and maybe I was the only one who felt something deep, a connection so strong it only ever comes around once. Could a love like that really be one sided though? Surely I wasn’t alone in this.

I feared though that if he did feel something for me that he would never act on it. It was because of his fear that I discovered was why I was so attracted to Dean. I had fallen for Kevin, a man who ran away when things got hard. Kevin played games and I was always guessing if he liked me or tolerated me. I was still guessing. With Dean, it was different though. I knew from the start that he was interested. If he wanted to see me, he told me. If he wanted to kiss me, he did. With Kevin I did all the work and I meant it when I told him I was tired of it. It was up to him now.

I still thought about it all the time though. I thought of him every chance I got. I waited impatiently for my phone to sound, hoping that it would be him proclaiming his love. The call never came which was why I was at the therapist. “So what happens now?” I asked.

“Now you focus on the biggest issue of all; Maggie’s death. Tell me, what’s the hardest part to accept from her departure?” I didn’t even need to think that hard.

“Tommy,” I answered quickly.

“Why?” She asked.

“It’s hard to accept that I have to replace her. She was irreplaceable yet she picked me to fill her shoes and I can’t. I can’t possibly be the kind of mother she could have been.”

“Why?” She asked again.

“Why what?” I asked confused.

“Why couldn’t you ever be the kind of mother she would have been?”

“Because I’m not Maggie.” I stated.

She smiled knowingly and tapped her nose. “Exactly.”

“I don’t think I understand,” I frowned.

“You aren’t Maggie, Tori. You never will be. What you will be is the best Tori you can be and that’s enough. Maggie didn’t choose you because you could give Tommy a replica of her. She chose you because she knew that after her, you were the next best mother.  She chose you to be the best mother you can be. You need to realise that and stop comparing yourself to her, and stop creating this list of impossible standards to live up to. Just be you.”

“Just be me,” I repeated.

“Yes, you is more than enough Tori. It’s why you were chosen above everyone else and don’t be afraid of the title. I know it’s hard to accept the label of mother because it feels like you’re cheating Maggie of her honour but, Tommy will only ever know you as his mother. It doesn’t mean he will love you more or less than Maggie, it just means that he associates you with the role. Embrace it Tori.”

“It’s hard though.” I mumbled.

“I know, and it will take time to accept. What is important though is that you keep reminding yourself that it’s okay. The thing that is making it hard for you to heal is the pressure and guilt you’re putting on yourself. There’s a saying that says: you are your own worst critique. It’s true because we tend to see the flaws that others overlook but we always only see the perfection in others and not their flaws. If you do that then suddenly you’re faced with an unrealistic idea of yourself and others. As a result you create these expectations to match the perfection of others and to diminish your flaws. What we fail to realise is that it’s our flaws that make us who we are. Flaws show character and they mould us into the distinct personality types. Don’t sell yourself short, instead accept your flaws and use them to better yourself.”

I nodded, “you have a point. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“I’m glad,” she replied. “What are you going to do about it?”

I grinned, “celebrate Maggie’s twenty third birthday the way it should be.”

She smiled knowingly, her eyes crinkling at the sides. "Then go."