Chapter 27

Two days had passed at Serenity Camp of Eden and I was beginning to develop cabin fever. I was moody and cranky. I was tired of the quiet but mostly I was bored. Being left alone to deal with my own thoughts was not healthy nor had it seemed to be helpful. I was depressing myself. I came on the getaway to stop thinking and to solve my problems; instead I was dwelling on them. I had realised that my greatest problem was that I hadn’t dealt with Maggie’s death productively. I tried to remedy the situation but I didn’t know how.

I couldn't stop thinking about Maggie. You know what good that did me? None. Constantly dwelling on her death and abandonment had only pushed me further and further into depression. The only activity I had the will to complete was feeding Tommy. I didn’t even feed myself because I found no purpose in it. I wanted to die with Maggie because it had to be better than being stuck in this world alone. I hadn’t bathed in two days, I hadn’t brushed my hair or teeth, and I hadn’t changed clothes.

What I had done was a lot of crying.

My useless behaviour had however made Tommy restless. By the evening of the third day, both he and I were ready to end our so called peaceful getaway. When Saturday morning came around, I packed up our things and without changing, left the camp. Once we were on the highway and I had cell phone reception, my phone beeped for an hour straight with messages and notifications. I decided to pull into the side of the road and check my phone.

Most of the messages were from my parents demanding to know where I was and claiming to have filed a missing person’s report with fear that I was already dead. I sent them a short reply. I was still angry.

I’m safe, call off the search. I needed to get away and think. Tommy is alive. We’re on our way home.

I deleted all their messages and gasped when I saw ten from Kevin.

Kevin: Where are you?

Kevin: Please call me. I’m worried about you.

Kevin: Your parents just called me. They’re freaking out. They said you ran away. Is that true?

Kevin: Text me if you’re alive.

Kevin: Are you dead?

Kevin: Don’t ignore serious questions just because you’re still mad at me!

Kevin: I didn’t mean that last message. Ignore it.

Kevin: I’m scared. Please tell me you’re safe and that Tommy is too.

Kevin: Answer me.

Kevin: I miss you.

I smiled at the screen and began crying again. How did Kevin manage to make me so angry and still I loved him with all my heart. I wished he loved me back but is actions were proving he didn’t. He was engaged. He was just playing with my emotions, using me for his own enjoyment. I wondered if he ever laughed about me behind my back with Dean. He wouldn’t, would he? I cried harder at the thought.

After finally calming my cries, I sent off a quick message to Kevin.

Me: I’m alive and still mad. There was no reception.

I left it simple and vague. Seconds later my phone rang. Kevin’s name flashed across the screen.

“Hello,” I replied hoarsely and with apprehension.

“Oh thank goodness you’re alive! I have been worried sick about you. I thought you were dead or that you ran away because of me. Tori I don’t want you to leave because you’re mad at me. Please stay. Don’t ever leave.”

“Have you been crying?” I asked. His voice sounded raspy as though he’d been screaming all night.

“Yes! Of course I have Tori. I thought you were dead.” He called out.

“Oh,” I whispered, at a loss for words.

“Oh, is that all you can say? What about an explanation?” He demanded, his voice rising.

“You want an explanation?” I snapped. “How about you give me one first!”

“I’ve been trying to give you one for almost two weeks now! You’re the one who refuses to listen. I want to tell you everything. To explain my actions.”

“Are you still with her?” I asked quickly.

“What?”

“I said, are you still with her?” I repeated. He sighed and it was all the answer I needed. “Goodbye Kevin.” I ended the call and turned the key. I drove home with tears in my eyes.

After all Kevin’s pleading and begging, he still hadn’t left her. He was still going to marry her yet he expected me to act as though all our encounters meant nothing. He expected me to be his friend and to not love him. He was selfish and a coward and I was finally done with his mind games.

I reached home and was prepared for an ambush of arguments but instead my parents rushed forward and hugged me in their arms tight. “I’m so glad you’re alright baby girl.” My father mumbled through his tears. “Don’t you ever leave me like that again? I thought I lost you. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I lost you before I could apologise.”

“Apologise for what?” I asked

“For all the horrible things I said about Maggie and you. Tori I didn’t mean it. I overreacted. I was just so shocked that you had rebelled that I just lost it.”

“I didn’t rebel dad. It was an accident.” I reminded him.

“The point is that I am sorry for my behaviour. Maggie was a wonderful friend to you and I’m sorry I lost sight of that. She brought you out of your shell and made you into the strong confident woman you are today.”

I grew teary, “thanks dad.” I wiped my eyes and walked to the car door to fetch Tommy. I panicked when I couldn’t find him in the car. “Where’s Tommy?” I asked frantically.

“You’re mother has him.” My dad answered and I sighed in relief. I walked inside and my dad followed. I found my mother and Tommy comfortable on the couch and I fell on the other one exhausted. All I’ve ever been for almost two months was exhausted.

“Are you ready to talk about your disappearance yet?” Asked my mother. I grunted and she glared.

“I needed to think. I was too angry here. I had a lot to consider.”

“What did you realise then?” Asked my dad.

I sighed, “I think I’m depressed.” I answered. My parents nodded knowingly and I frowned. “You knew?”

“I wouldn’t say depressed but you were definitely grieving. I think you just finally reached the depressed phase.” Replied my dad.

“What do I do now?” I asked.

“We can get you help. I know a great therapist.” My mother piped up.

“What happens with Tommy?’ I asked. “I’m struggling to find the desire to even feed him. I don’t want to be near him but I don’t want to leave him alone.” I asked honestly. My parents exchanged looks and my dad nodded and my mom.

My mother frowned and replied, “I think the Beckets should take him.”

“What?” I screamed. “You’re answer is to take him away. Why would you even suggest that?”

“He needs care and you aren’t in the position to provide it.”

“What about you and dad?” I asked.

“You’re our first concern Tori. We’ll be putting all our focus on getting you better. Tommy would be neglected and it isn’t fair. It isn’t permanent but until you’re healthy again, Tommy will be with his grandparents.”

"Please tell me you’re joking?” I pleaded. “I need him. He’s all I have left of Maggie. You can’t take him from me.”

“It’s what’s best for him. Think of what he needs Tori.” My dad paused and walked closer to me. He laid a gentle hand on my shoulder, “think of him Tori.” Whispered my father. I cried in my seat and slowly nodded my head.

“Alright but this is temporary.” My parents agreed and I watched my father call Mr. Becket to fill them in on our plan. I was in hysterics so I retreated to my room. I spent the rest of the day in solitude with nothing but my wretched weeps for comfort.

I lost him. The only reason I had to live.

Dean had called me the next day once he had discovered I was back home safely. I presumed Kevin had informed him. I ignored his call and instead tried to focus on the dread that rested in my stomach. Today was the day I was supposed to leave Tommy with the Beckets. I hadn’t stopped crying and I couldn’t believe I had any tears left in me. The facts showed that our bodies were ninety percent water, I felt like I had cried sixty percent already. Any more tears and I was going to die of dehydration or starvation, whichever one came first. I hated food. I threw up every time I ate.

My parents drove me to the Beckets and I sat in the backseat holding onto Tommy’s hands. Once we reached their house, the car slowed and Mrs. Becket came into view. Her white hair was curled and her face was grim. It was comforting to know that they too were not thrilled about the arrangement. We all knew why it had to be done but none of us had to be happy with the situation. I climbed out of the car and walked around to fetch Tommy.

He held me tight and I tried desperately not to cry. I passed him along to Mrs. Becket while Mr. Becket collected his things. Tommy wouldn’t let go. I think he knew what the visit meant. It broke my heart. I tried to pry his fingers loose of my shirt but he began to wail when his grip left me.

Mrs. Becket stood with tears in her eyes as she watched the exchange. I tried and tried to give him away but it only caused us both to break into heart wrenching cries. After some time of struggling, Mrs. Becket reached for Tommy and ripped him off me. He screamed as though he were being murdered and I reached out for him. Mrs. Becket pulled him away from my reach and with a teary frown said, “you need to leave or this will never work. You need to be strong and think of him. Think of why you’re doing this. You need to get better Tori.” I nodded and with a shaky hand, waved goodbye before I climbed into the car.

I wanted to run and grab Tommy and hold him tight against me. I wanted to hug and kiss him and never let go, but I couldn’t. Mrs. Becket was right, I had to be strong, and I had to remember why I was doing this. I sat in the quiet car alone and crying while Mrs. Becket walked away with my life and my saving grace. Tommy was still my saving grace because without him, I would have no reason to want to get better. Without Tommy I would have given up a long time ago. I never thought of myself as suicidal but losing a loved one can make anyone suicidal. Maggie gave me a reason to live everyday she were alive. I wanted to live because she lived. When she died, she died along with my reason.

I think that’s why she made me guardian over Tommy. Maggie knew how hard her death would have been for me and she knew that it would take something magnificent and extraordinary for me to want to live. She knew I needed her and the only way Maggie could live on through death was through the life of Tommy. His smile, his laugh, his gurgles and his eyes were all Maggie and, I got to be with her everyday because of him. I couldn’t give up on living, not yet.

Maggie was once my reason for living and though she was physically dead, her soul lived through Tommy. As long as she still lived, so would I.