Chapter 14

I was really starting to despise modern technology. Yes I am well aware of what a traitor I am to my generation but when you’ve had the misfortune of a cellphone interrupting a potentially intimate moment, on several occasions, you start to hate the amazing invention. Things were headed in a fantastic direction between me and Kevin; that is until his cellphone rang. It wasn’t that bad the first time. He excused himself and not long after, returned and happily retook my hand in his. I had smiled and thought everything was great.

It wasn’t. His cellphone had rung five minutes later. Once again, he excused himself. The second call lasted longer and instead of returning gleefully, he returned with a frown and sat gruffly alongside me. Whatever the call was about, it had upset him so much that he sat an entire cushion space apart from me, ignored me and refused to touch me during the remainder of the movie. I couldn’t move closer unless I wanted to wake Tommy and anyone with half a brain would know what a terrible idea that would be. Reluctantly though, I had left Kevin to his own thoughts and pretended not to notice his actions or the thick tension it brought.

However; it wasn’t until the third phone call that I truly started hating modern technology. When his phone had rung and he left, once again, I knew it meant our time together had ended. As he stood in the kitchen speaking in hushed yells, I carefully and with great difficulty, put Tommy in his own bed. I had moved Tommy without disturbance and once I had returned to the lounge, was frustrated to see Kevin wasn’t there. I sat curled up on the couch brooding and secretly hoping Kevin would notice my frustration and question me on it.

I wanted an explanation; I however, did not want to ask for one. I had muted the movie in an attempt to hear his conversation. It didn’t work all that well. I had only caught a piece of the argument. Kevin had yelled, louder than a whisper yet thankfully not loud enough to wake Tommy. “She’s my partner for goodness sake. It isn’t like I’m sneaking over and having my way with her. That is an absurd thing to suggest!”

Well two things were clear. One, he was talking about me and two- I was naive to believe he had been harbouring feelings for me. My heart felt like it had dropped to my stomach as the realisation of his words hit. I had finally come to terms with my feelings for Kevin yet somehow I had missed a crucial step. Kevin didn’t feel the same way.

I had somehow constructed this crazy idea that the chemistry and attraction between us was real. I wasn’t wrong. Our chemistry was real. Unfortunately it was only real to me. It had all been one sided. I was so stupid. I bit my lip as I tried with great difficulty to stop my tears. Kevin didn’t deserve to see me cry. I didn’t want him to know what an idiot I was for falling for him. I secretly wiped at the corner of my eye just as Kevin entered the room. He frowned at my position on the couch and quickly closed the distance between us until he stood directly in front of me, his knees resting against my own. He crouched down and placed his hands on my legs.

‘He’s just using you for balance, don’t get ahead of yourself,’ I chastised myself. My rethinking didn’t stop my body reacting. My thighs burned with the feel of his warm hands on my body. His thumb drew lazy patterns across my thighs and my skin tingled. I had the sudden bizarre urge to clamp my legs. No one had ever elicited such reactions from me, not even Matt who I had believed was my soul mate.

How could he not feel the same way? How could he not realise how much our bodies connected or how much our souls were beginning to entwine?

How could such a handsome man be incredibly beautiful yet equally oblivious?

“What’s wrong Tori? What has changed?” Kevin asked as his one hand drew my face towards his with his finger under my chin. He’s eyes stared right into mine and his gaze burned my much like his hand on my thigh. I broke. His gaze seemed to reach further into my psych than I liked. I cried unashamedly and forced my head to stare at my own hands clasped in my lap. “Look at me please.” He whispered and leaned forward until his forehead rested on the top of my head. “Please don’t cry beautiful. Tell me what’s wrong.” His fingers reached to my face and his fingertips grazed my cheeks delicately.

He was painfully sweet. “Please leave.” I choked.

He shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere.

I couldn’t think with him so near. All rational thought disappeared when his hands were on me. I needed space. I needed to breathe. I used my hands to forcefully push him away. I looked up into his hurt face and with water dripping on my lips I yelled, “leave me alone! I want to be alone!”

Kevin’s face paled and his mouth opened slowly in shock at my outburst. He swallowed with great force and nodded silently before he granted me my wish. It was only once I heard his car drive away that I realised what an overreaction I made and what a great mistake it was.

I didn’t apologise though. In truth, I actually pretended like he didn’t exist. Once Tommy woke from his nap, I gathered his things and drove to a place that held both great and painful memories. It was how I ended up in their driveway with a soaked face. I needed to disappear. I needed my best friend and since I couldn’t have her, I went to the next best thing.

Sunningdale Retirement Village was quiet just as it always was. I stood outside their door, with Tommy in his car chair, and waited for them to open. “Tori, what a great surprise!” Mrs. Becket greeted me with a great big smile and I was happy to hear her recognise me. Though her symptoms were mild so far, it still remained as Alzheimer’s, which meant that we could expect her memory slipping completely anytime soon. “Hi Mrs. Becket, I hope its okay that I’m visiting?” I returned her hug and kiss on the cheek. “I thought you might want to see Tommy.”

“Of course it’s alright. I definitely will not be objecting to seeing my grandson anytime soon. Come in out of the cold.” She gestured and I walked inside the little apartment. I placed the car seat on their lounge floor and unbuckled Tommy. Once he was in my arms, I passed him to Mrs. Becket who quickly began to gush over him. “Where’s Mr. Becket?” I asked. The room was clean and bare, only the necessities on display.

“He’s just visiting a friend a few houses down. He’ll be back shortly. Do want something to drink dear?” I shook my head. I usually hated the endearment dear but, when Mrs. Becket used it with reference to me, I felt special and loved. After the previous events with Kevin, I needed to feel loved. I quickly hugged Mrs. Becket.

“What’s wrong Tori?” Mrs. Becket asked concerningly.

“Nothing,” I shrugged. “I just had one of those days where I could really use some advice from Maggie.” Mrs. Becket found a seat on her couch and motioned for me to join her. I obliged gratefully.

“Why don’t you tell me about your day and we see if I can help in anyway. I may not be your best friend but I happen to have an awful lot of years experience.” She grinned and I chuckled briefly.

“There’s a lot to it. I wouldn’t want to bore you.”

Mrs. Becket scoffed. “Tori you are as much my child as Maggie, there isn’t anything you could say or do that could ever bore. Now tell me what’s going on.”

I took a deep breath in. “It’s partly about a guy but mostly about Maggie.”

“Let’s start with the guy shall we.” I nodded.

“He’s great. We met at class. We both signed up for this amazing architecture contest and we were paired together. He is incredibly sweet and charming without being arrogant. He’s gorgeous and kind and great with Tommy.” I smiled. “He treats me right. I feel like I could really fall for him.”

“So what’s the problem then?”

“He doesn’t feel the same way.” I whispered.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I overheard him telling someone on his phone that the idea of being with me is absurd. It hurt a lot Mrs. Becket.” I could feel the trickle of my tears down my cheek. I surreptitiously wiped at my cheek.

“You must really feel something for this young man if he creates such reactions from you.” She nudged her head in my direction and I blushed. So much for hiding my tears.

“I do. He’s everything I’ve always wanted in a man. He’s everything I thought I saw in Matt.”

“I’m sorry to hear that dear. Maybe it just isn’t meant to be. I can imagine the pain you must be in.” She paused with a frown creasing her brow. “Especially so soon after losing Maggie.” She whispered.

“I think that’s the hardest part about it all. I really miss her. I wasn’t looking for a relationship and I’m still not.” I grunted. “This thing with Kevin just happened. All I ever wanted to do since I lost Maggie was be the best guardian to Tommy. I didn’t want a distraction.”

“Tori look at me.” I looked up into her face. “What makes you think you haven’t been a good guardian to Tommy or that if you were with Kevin that you wouldn’t be?” I shrugged. “Tori, finding love isn’t a distraction. It’s supposed to make you happier.”

“It is a distraction though. Being with Kevin would take my time away from caring for Tommy. Tommy is my life now and I can’t lose sight of that. Maggie entrusted me with his life and I don’t want to disappoint her by forgetting about him.”

“Maggie wouldn’t want you to stop living because of her.” She shifted Tommy in her arms and dangled a fluffy toy in his face where he happily reached for it.

“I haven’t stopped living. I just don’t want anything that would take away precious time with Tommy. He’s already lost the opportunity to have Maggie be there for him, he needs me there through all his milestones and I don’t want to miss them.”

“So instead you want to never experience a happily ever after?” she asked concerned.

“Happily ever afters’ don’t exist. If they did, Maggie would get hers.”

The front door banged open and Mr. Becket entered with a smile on his face that grew when he caught sight of me. “Baby girl, what a pleasant surprise.” I grinned and stood up to greet him. I hugged him tight and let him kiss the top of my head. Soon after we broke apart, he caught sight of Tommy on his wife’s lap. “There’s my beautiful grandson!” Mr. Becket stretched his arms out and gathered a happy Tommy into his warm and loving arms. He easily sat down next to his wife with Tommy in his arms. He leaned over and gave his wife a kiss.

“So what have you beautiful ladies been talking about?”

Mrs. Becket looked to me and I shook my head. She sighed and answered, “we were just talking about how Maggie’s birthday is in a month and what we should do.”

Mr. Becket looked between us both and I could see he knew the lie his wife had fabricated for my benefit. “What did you decide?”

“We hadn’t.” Mrs. Becket answered. Mr. Becket nodded in understanding and together they turned to play with Tommy. I watched happily as the elderly couple enjoyed time with my little man and encouraged him to crawl. No matter what Mrs. Becket said, I was adamant I was making the right choice. Sure there were moments my heart wished for another to share life with but it were moments like this where I watched the joy Tommy brought and I found myself content.

Maybe one day I would feel ready to share my time without the guilt but at the moment, I was happy with my life. My life with Tommy.