Not Handlin’ Life Right Now

“Come on, Ella-bee,” Dad cries as he pops his head into my bedroom.

“What do you want, Dad?”

“It’s been two weeks of you moping in this room. Have you even showered?”

I scowl at him from my fluffy quilt. I must admit it isn’t getting any easier—heartbreak is for sure a real thing. Mix that in with grief from the loss of an amazing man and you get this—depression.

Just the thought of getting on with my life feels tiring. I lie here refreshing Tobias’s social media page, replaying his videos. I eat, sleep, and dream Tobias. I’m like a stalker—a really creepy, smelly one.

“Just give me more time, Dad, I’m doing some soul searching.”

“Netflix marathons are hardly soul searching.”

“I’m watching ~Yellowstone~, actually.”

“EL,” he cries. “For crying out loud, put that cowboy out of your head.”

“Dad,” I snap. “I’m trying. I just don’t think I can live without him.”

His face softens as he smiles and takes a seat on the edge of my bed. “El,” he says softly as he takes my hand. “Do you really love this guy?”

I nod as I look my dad in the face. Since coming here, he’s been back at work, back to the rat race, and I have been alone. Since coming here, I have never felt so alone and sad.

“Can you give it another week at least? See if you feel better about it—make an effort. Try and see some friends, and if you still feel the same, then I don’t know, go with your heart.”

“I’ll try, Dad, but I don’t think Tobias would want me now, anyway.”

“Well, if he’s moved on that quickly, he obviously wasn’t worth your tears.”

I smile. I will try and make an effort this week. I’ll start with a shower, and I agree to ban ~Yellowstone~ for the next few days.

The shower takes all my effort, and I need another lie down after it. I said I would cut off the cowboys of ~Yellowstone~, but I didn’t say I would stop contacting my cowboy.

The only time I feel anything is when I text or speak to Tobias.

Ella

Hey cowboy, still waiting for that new song recording 😉

Tobias

Oh my, you really are a stalker.

I smile as I read his reply.

Ella

I’m just your biggest fan, all the way over here in the UK.

Tobias

Haha, definitely made it when the UK fans start stalking 😊

Ella

Yes, remember me when you’re touring over here and I’m fighting all your other stalkers to get a glimpse of you 🤩

Tobias

Princess, you sure do have high hopes for me.

Ella

You just don’t know how amazing you are.

Tobias

How is life in England anyway? I heard there was snow coming.

Ella

Look at you, checking the Uk weather, planning a visit?

Tobias

No Uks too scary for me, especially if all the women are like you.

Ella

Are you not adventurous Mr Kinsley?

Tobias

Well, I’ve been known to tear the tag off the mattress so i’d say I’m pretty adventurous 😉

I laugh out loud. My God, how much I want to touch him right now.

Ella

I can think of something else you could tear off the mattress 😘

Tobias

I’d love to get home from work tonight and find you on my mattress.

Ella

Now, now cowboy. Even a magic carpet couldn’t get me to you that quick 😂

Tobias

Well, I will see you when I see you then. Better get back to work, I’ve got a backlog of customers for furniture. This cowboy is now officially in demand.

Ella

Good to see you using your potential, you’re awesome at everything you do. If I order will you hand deliver?

Tobias

Maybe if the order is worth it.

Ella

Is a blow job worth it?

Tobias

LOL, maybe from you princess. I got a truck waiting to load, maybe i’ll call you tonight 😊

Ella

Have a good day, I’ll get my order in 🤩

His flirty texts give me hope. My mood is lifted instantly when I hear from him, and I’m already looking forward to a call from him tonight.

We have been speaking and messaging on and off a lot. I haven’t told my dad because he will just say I’m torturing myself, but I don’t know what else to do.

I cannot cut ties with Tobias—contact with him is the only thing getting me through these dark days.

I agree to go with an old friend to her brother’s birthday. Carla is likely to be there and maybe even Ben. I feel like I need to face the music and see how I feel being back in my old life.

I must admit I’m already seeing a difference. As I get ready in a twice-worn dress, I laugh. In the past, I would have bought a new outfit for a night out, but my walk-in wardrobe is cluttered to the max.

I look at it now and sigh.

~What the hell can one girl do with all these clothes?~

I catch a selfie and post it on Instagram and Snapchat. To the social media world, I’m living my best life!

I’m on my way to the party with Heather when I see Tobias has liked my picture. We talked last night, so he knows I’m going out. He also knows I’m dreading it.

As I walk into the busy bar, I tug at my tight blue dress. I haven’t worn anything this glamorous in ages, and it feels uncomfortable and strange.

When I see Carla across the room, she smiles. I roll my eyes in response and move to the bar.

Heather has been quiet, and I wonder what Carla told her about her visit to Nashville. I know I would never find anything out from Heather—she stays out of the drama, too mature for all that.

She’s super rich but super kind. She volunteered a year in Africa last year and does a lot of weird shit like that. It seems to make her a better person, and I suppose it’s an eye-opener to what little problems us rich kids have.

“Darling, take a seat, someone will bring you some champagne over,” Heather’s mum says as we linger around the bar.

Heather shakes her head and rolls her eyes at her super-posh mum as she pulls me toward the leather sofas.

I’m startled when I feel a man’s hands wrap around my waist.

“Hello there,” Ben says as I spin to look at the owner of the soft, manicured hands.

“Ben,” I reply as I wrestle for his hands to release my body.

“Nice to see you back. Carla had a few tales to tell. Sounds like you lost your head for a bit there, Ella.”

“No,” I protest. “I think it was more that I found something.”

“Oh?”

“My senses. I guess I realized how materialistic and meaningless this life is.”

“Oh, look at you, you run off to the deep South and come back a redneck.”

“Ha,” I smile. “Funny story, Ben. The guys there have dicks that put yours to shame.”

“Still a bitch, then,” he hollers as he walks away smirking.

I see Carla moving toward me, and I dodge her by heading to the toilets. I just want to get out of here. I find myself sitting on the toilet, hiding in a cubicle, sending a text to Tobias.

Ella

HELP 😬

I feel like I’m drowning in fake-arse shit, and I drink to submerge my misery, but I start to regret it when I feel my emotions getting the better of me.

Drinking when I’m happy makes me happy, but I’m finding it works the other way too, so drinking when I’m depressed makes me more depressed.

“I have something that will make you smile,” a guy named Jake says as he drops down next to me on the leather sofa. He waves a bag of white powder at me and grins.

I shake my head. “No thanks, Jake,” I mumble as I stand up.

I know when I struggle to keep my balance that I am ready to call it a night. I don’t bother telling anyone—I doubt they would even notice—so I order an Uber and slip out.

Tobias finally texts me back when I’m on my way home.

Tobias

Keep yourself safe, you’re looking hot as 🔥

Ella

I miss you so much Tobias, I think I have made a horrible mistake 😬 😬 😭 😭

I’m drunk and the ten-minute reply gap is slaying me.

Tobias

I could have told you that weeks ago darlin’ 😉

Ella

I’m on my way home in a taxi, I don’t belong there.

Tobias

Princess, you make your own life. It doesn’t matter where you are, if you have love and God you will be happy.

Ella

I agree with the love part but, not so sure about God playing a part in it.

Tobias

‘Let’s agree to disagree 😊’

I continue to text him as I get out of the taxi, get into the house, and get undressed. I even leave my phone on the side in the bathroom while I rush through my shower.

I hear my dad and his fiancée come in from their fancy dinner at the new restaurant in town.

I can hear her shrieks as they slag off the crab salad and dad tells her some boring, meaningless story about a painting he got at a bargain price. She howls and it’s like nails down a chalkboard.

I feel better when I snuggle into my safe place and plug my charger in so I can continue to text Tobias until I fall asleep.

He video calls me and my heart rate increases at the thought of seeing his face. I haven’t spoken to him on video call since coming back here.

“Aw, damn it, did I miss the shower scene?” he asks when he sees I’m in bed.

“Too slow, cowboy. I’m all cleaned up now and in my comfies. What are you up to?”

“Ya know, working. Just finishing up in here. Not got much done this last hour because I have this English woman harassing me. She takes all my time up. It’s exhausting.”

“Well, you should nip that in the bud. Hey, can I ask you something?”

He moves around the barn as he tidies up and starts to put his tools away. “Sure,” he replies.

“Can you sing to me?”

“Errrrm, what do you want me to sing?”

“That song you used to sing?”

“Well, that narrows it down—the one with the words in it?”

I hear a knock on my door; it must be my dad. “Hey Dad, I’m on the phone, what’s up?”

Tobias’s eyes widen as he listens to my dad asking how my night was.

“It was fine, now scoot.”

He opens my door wider. “What do you mean ‘scoot’? And who are you on the phone to at this hour?”

“DAD,” I yell. “Get out.”

“Is it that Kinsley guy?” he asks.

“GET OUT,” I yell.

Tobias is laughing in his workshop.

“Not funny,” I say to him. “You try living with your nosy parent who treats you like a child.”

“Yep, I’m sure you’re no trouble to him at all, princess.”

“Screw you, Mister Grown-Up, with your house and business.”

“Don’t start on me, princess—I’m the innocent party in this.”

I laugh, but really I want to cry. I want to be with him, and I know my dad gets it in the neck as a result.

“Soooo,” I add. “Can you sing to me or what? You know the song I mean, the one about talking Tennessee.”

He clears his throat and smiles. He means business when he turns his cap backward and I fall a little bit more in love with him.

“Okay, but not that one—let me stick a song on here.” He moves out of view of the camera and I hear the lines of Whiskey Glasses by Morgan Wallen.

“… Ella?”

I open my eyes. “Sorry, I was listening. I was trying to stop myself crying. I’m so drunk and depressed without you.”

“Well, I think you were drunk quite a bit with me too. Why are you so sad, though, princess?”

“Talking to you, texting you, it’s the only time I feel okay. I miss Frankie, I miss you. I even miss Jack.”

“Wow, you must be depressed. He’s actually glad you’re gone because now he gets to run free instead of pulling my ass around at a snail's pace.”

I laugh. “I suppose.”

“But hey, don’t forget you do have a house here. You can come back anytime—just let me know.”

“Would you be waiting for me?”

He shakes his head and the dimples form on his cheeks. “I’ll make sure the heat’s on for you—it’s freezing here at the minute.”

“Duly noted. If I decide to make a spontaneous flight back, I’ll be sure to make sure the heat is set for my return.”

I hear a bang from his end, and he looks at someone entering the barn.

“I’ll just be a minute,” he whispers.

“Who’s that?” I ask.

Then I hear Tanner. “Is that El?”

“Hey, Tanner, what’s up?”

“You sneaky motherfucker,” he says to Tobias as he pats his back. “How long have you two been at this?”

“At nothing, Tanner, just talking,” Tobias says. “Hey, El, talk tomorrow?”

“Yes, goodnight, guys—love to your dad and everyone.”

As the call ends, with Tanner and Tobias bickering, I wish I was there with them.