Out of Sight, Not Out of Mind

TOBIAS

I head back to the ranch behind Tanner after fixing my wheel. It feels strange knowing I won’t bump into her in her ridiculously cute outfits when I’m out and about.

I’m walking around like a sad bastard. As soon as the guys see me, they know how much I’m struggling, but none of them will bring it up.

Dad tells Tanner to take some of my load—which he refuses—and Trav sends Dawn around to my house before I can even unpack. I’m sure they think I’m heading for a hunger strike with the amount of food she’s put in my fridge.

I try to keep myself busy, but I can’t help obsessively checking the time and wondering where Ella is and what she’s doing. I check my social media more often than usual, waiting for any glimpse of her.

It’s a long few days, but finally she posts something. She’s out walking some hill with a friend. She’s posted a live video from the summit—it looks nice. She looks cold as she pans the camera past her red smiling face.

I press my thumb on the screen to pause the snippet of her, and I stare at her like some obsessive stalker. I try to resist; I had planned on not contacting her, but I cave and comment on the post.

“Looks cold, hope you’re enjoying being back in England.”

It says she has seen it within minutes.

“Yeah tired but good. How about you? I’m missing everyone so much 😭.”

~It’s a no-brainer—come back, then!~

“Playing a gig tomorrow night, it’s gonna be weird without my sexy stalker waiting by the stage.”

“Get someone to record it, especially your new song—desperate to hear it live.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

And that’s it—a few messages exchanged then nothing.

The bank called to say the money from Frank’s will is in my account. I’m still suspicious that El was involved with his decision, but there’s nothing I can do now about the last wishes of a dead man.

I did spend some time going through the ranch debts. The money should clear the bulk of it and give us all more freedom. I’m keeping a small amount to set up a business.

I’ve been getting so many questions about my furniture. I lied to El when she asked. My message inbox was busting with people from this and the surrounding towns asking me to build things for good money.

I’d avoided looking because I just never had the time, but now without the debts, I’ll have more free time. I can finally drop my second job and focus on my workshop—finally do something I enjoy.

I plan to sort out the barn and make it more practical. Parts of it let water in, so my first job is to make it watertight.

The back area would make a great place to store my wood, and Dawn has agreed to help me with the promotion and website.

I’ve been keeping busy at the barn and practicing with the guys for the gig, so the night of the gig is the first time in days I catch a break and allow myself to think about Ella.

Sara heads straight to me and throws her arms around my shoulders. I feel bad when I shrug her off, but I can’t handle the emotions of it all. She’s crying, and I don’t know what to say.

I’m glad when we have to go on stage and I don’t have to think.

I see Sara on the dance floor recording as we play. I assume she’s going to send them to Ella because she doesn’t usually record us. Everything here is reminding me of her, and I’m just barely holding it together.

“Great as always,” Lee shouts as we come off stage.

Sweat is dripping from my face. For some reason, I’m sweating like a pig in an oven tonight.

“Drink,” Tanner says as he hands me a straight double.

I knock it back and make my way for another.

“Hey there, Tobias,” Lynn flirts as she runs her fingers down my arm.

I haven’t seen her since the pregnancy scare, and I still wonder if she made it all up.

I smile to be polite and try to continue on my way, but she slips her hand into mine and moves closer.

“I know a good way to get over a broken heart,” she whispers, her breath traveling down my ear.

I stare into her blue eyes and shake my sweaty head. “No thanks, I’m good.” I shrug her off and continue to the bar.

I steam through the night better than I thought I would, and I’m feeling particularly proud of my broken-hearted self.

I’m about to go outside when I see the dick El said scared her. She called him Jackass, but I think his name was Jeffrey or something.

I know I’m not mistaken because his money and heritage drip off him like acid as he prances around the place, thinking he’s got all of life’s answers.

I bump him harshly as I pass. I know men like him—arrogant fucks. He won’t let the ultimate insult slip by.

“Watch where you’re going, hick,” he shouts.

I turn and laugh. “Sorry, man, maybe you should head back to the car daddy bought you and scoot on home.”

“Who the fuck are you?” he yells as he moves closer, his feeble friend following him.

“I’m delivering a message from Isobella—you remember her? The one you couldn’t have.”

As he is about to open his mouth with some shabby comment, I punch him square in the face. His nose busts and blood sprays like a sprinkler over everyone close to him, including me.

“Now you’ve just messed up my best shirt,” I add as my hand goes up and punches him in the face again.

He falls to the ground and his friend steps back, surrendering.

“If I see either of you creeps around here again, I’ll do more than punch you,” I threaten.

Tanner comes up behind me. “What happened?” he asks.

“They were the guys who scared El the last time she was here.”

Jeffrey finally stands. He holds his nose tight as blood runs down his face. “You just made a big mistake, redneck. You’ll pay for this,” he threatens.

“Look forward to it, Jeff.” I smile as I turn my back on him.

“Fucking redneck,” he mumbles when he starts to walk away, tail between his legs.

Tanner starts to sing. “~My truck is louder than your truck~,” I smile at him as he continues. “~And my collar’s a little more blue~.”

I can’t resist joining him. “~You might think you’re redneck, but I’m rednecker than you.~”

We both laugh as the two idiots leave the bar.

“Holy shit, can I get a picture of this for El?” Sara asks. She snaps one on her phone before I can protest.

“What the fuck, Sara, are you just sending her a blow by blow of my night?”

She lifts her shoulders and pulls her face. “Sorry, girl code. I said I’d keep her updated.”

“Twenty-year friend code obviously means nothing around here, then,” I reply as I go get myself another drink.

After a good few drinks, it’s like a mirage. I think I see Ella at the bar. She’s wearing different clothes than her usual ones, but it’s her.

The way her jeans stick to her hips and the way she holds herself—I’d know that confidence anywhere.

“El?” I say as I get closer.

She turns and it isn’t her. My hope plummets as the woman in front of me smiles and swigs her bottle.

She does look like El. Her hair is dark like El’s and drops down her back with small, natural waves at the end.

She also has her blue eyes, but her nose is different—this woman’s is thinner and doesn’t compliment her face like El’s does.

“Hey there, mister,” she says. I can tell she’s local by her accent. “Weren’t you just in that band?”

I nod and continue to watch her, comparing her to El and wondering if her skin feels the same.

“Well, nice to meet you. I’m Joanne, and I love a man who can sing.”

“Yeah?” I smile. “How come I’ve not seen you around here before, Joanne?” I ask, not really caring to hear her answer.

“I’m from Huntsville. What’s your name, cutie?”

“Toby. Nice to meet you.”

She moves in closer to me and runs her hand down my body, and her eyes go to the blood on my shirt.

“What happened here, Toby? Are you a fighter as well as a singer?”

I shake my head. “Just some jerk who—”

Before I can explain, she kisses me.

I reciprocate not because I like her, but because I’m drunk and lonely.

She pushes me into the corner where the light is dim, and her hand goes down to my crotch. She’s not a shy one, that’s for sure.

But something is blocking me. I can’t get aroused or into the intimacy—I feel emotionless and flat. I don’t get the usual surge of excitement I used to get with a girl. I don’t want to paste her. I have nothing.

When I finally fight her off, I decide to head home. I’m just about to leave when Sara catches me up.

“Why didn’t you fight for her?” she shouts.

I’m confused. “Fight for her?” I reply. “I begged her to stay. I did everything but cut my balls off for her to stay.”

“If you would have shown up the day she was leaving, she wouldn’t have been able to leave, I know she wouldn’t. She pretends to be this strong and independent woman, but she’s back in England now with no one. Her dad’s back to work and she’s alone.”

“She made her choice, Sara. Nothing I could have done.”

“You could have proved one last time how much she meant to you. All her life, she has been left. Did you know she had twelve different live-in babysitters from the age of six to eight, before her dad had the money to hire a full-time nanny?”

I try to speak but she shuts me down.

“Those are crucial years for a child—what do you think that does to a girl? Do you think she trusts easily and lets any old person in?”

“Sara, I told her how I felt. You can’t put this on me.”

She shakes her head and looks disappointed in me. It makes me feel disappointed in myself.

I continue to the door and walk out of the hot, tension-filled bar, glad to be breathing in something besides other people’s carbon dioxide and sweat.

El calls as I’m walking back to my truck.

“Hello,” I snap, still reeling from Sara’s comments.

“Sara told me you saw Jackass. You okay?”

“Yes,” I shoot. “I just punched him in the face, that’s all. Nothing more rednecker than a brawl in a honky-tonk, right?”

“Tobias, don’t be getting in trouble for me.”

“I’m not, princess. It was nice to punch someone other than Tanner.”

She tuts and neither of us speak.

“I did want to ask you something,” I say, unsure whether to go there. “If I had come over that day you were leaving, would you have stayed?”

Silence.

Then finally: “I don’t know. It would have made it harder, but I guess I’ll never know.”

“Did you want me to come for you?”

“I don’t know. What’s the point in this? You didn’t and I never expected you to. I knew it was hard for you to watch me leave.”

“I was coming back,” I say quietly. “I was on my way down, but my truck had a problem, so the decision was out of my hands.”

She sighs loudly. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” she says. “It’s the middle of the night here but I’m sitting here watching videos Sara has sent me and constantly updating your social media like some kind of crazed person.”

I laugh; we have both been doing the same. It’s nice to know it isn’t just a one-way thing.

“It’s not funny, Tobias. You have taken over my life. I can’t sleep, I can’t think about anything other than you. I even went on that hike to get my head clear, and all that did was give me chapped lips and chilblains on my knees.”

“You made your choice, princess—I don’t know what else I can say.”

“Say we can be friends. Say we can talk whenever we need each other. I miss you—I miss our talks and your cute-ass face.”

“Yeah, well. I kinda miss your whining.”

We say good night and I head back home alone for the first time in months. The crook of my arm feels so empty without her in it.