Light Scratches, Deep Wounds

A memorable farewell is one thing I would call it; more confusion and doubting is another. How can I leave him? Leave this?

I take a couple of snaps of him sleeping so I can savor this moment forever. No matter what happens when I leave here, I will always remember him.

He has set the bar high, and I fear I will never meet anyone as perfect as him. Sure, they all start out like him, but from experience, sooner or later the crazy starts to glisten through, and they can’t contain it for long.

“How can you leave me?” he suddenly asks from beside me.

I turn to look at his questioning face. It’s a question everyone would ask, and I don’t think anyone would ever understand why I have to do it.

It’s impossible to explain. It’s a gut feeling, a hunch—something deep down that tells me my place is in England. How can anyone comprehend that as an explanation?

I sigh and kiss his forehead. “I must be fucking crazy,” I reply, and he smiles that cute smile that shapes the dimples in his cheeks.

If we smoked, this would be the part where we shared a cigarette, but instead we lie side by side in silence, each to our own thoughts.

“You could live here with me. Imagine going to sleep and waking up together every day?”

“Tobias,” I mumble. “I can’t, it’s just not me. Being wifed up and kids—everything you want is the opposite to who I am.”

“Maybe that’s why I like you. You’re not like the women around here. You’re smart, you have plans, and I love that about you. I don’t want to change you, El, and you don’t have to change for me.”

~But asking me to stay here when I just said it wasn’t me is changing me!~

“I know, but me staying the same means you losing your dreams. I want to travel. You don’t want to leave Tennessee.”

“I would change for you. I promise to do what I can to never get in the way of your dreams.”

I sit up and move away from the embrace of his warm arms. I should have known he would start this. He knows how hard the decision has been for me, and now he’s trying to change my mind again.

“Tobias,” I plead. I need him to stop before it results in an argument. I don’t want to ruin this amazing last time. “Please, can we just enjoy this time we have?”

He sits up and shakes his head. “I knew you would go back. Your so-called friends were right, I’ve just been a plaything for you while you passed time here. A bit of rough. Girls like you never end up with guys like me.”

I’m angry at his words. He knows how important he is to me.

“Please Tobias, I told you before this. You knew I would return at some point.”

“I hoped you would grow up and make the right choice in the end.”

I frown at him and shake my head. “The right choice for who?”

“Fuck you,” he says dismissively.

I look away as the tears start to well up. “Yeah,” I say as I start to collect my clothes from the end of the bed. “Fuck you too, cowboy.”

I still don’t look at him as I pull my hoodie over my head without even attempting to look for my bra. I need to get out of here before I say something I can’t take back.

“El,” he says more quietly.

I stand and yank up my jeans. There’s no time to find my underwear—he can keep them as a souvenir of what once was.

“El,” he mumbles again as he climbs off the bed and grabs my arm.

I shake him off, but I can’t look at him—I won’t be able to hold the tears back if I see his face.

“Please, baby,” he pleads as he pulls my body into his strong arms.

I give in and melt into his embrace.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t think I can lose you.”

I hold his body tight as I burrow my head into his chest. “I can’t do this, Tobias. Don’t you think this decision was hard for me? It’s the hardest decision I have ever had to make.”

“What would it take for us to be together?” he asks.

I cry harder into his bare chest. “It needs to be a clean break, Tobias. We’ll only prolong the hurt.”

“And there’s nothing I can do?”

I shake my head again. My breathing becomes difficult the more the tension between us builds.

“No,” I say as I start to pull away. “I need to go, Tobias. Please, just let me go.”

I feel his tight grip on me loosen, and he lifts his head to the ceiling as he breathes in hard. He looks like he is holding his own tears back, but I can’t be here when they come—I won’t be able to leave him if I see him upset.

“I’m sorry, Tobias. I’ll speak to you before I leave.”

I run out of his bedroom, through the house and out into the night. Why did I let myself go back to his bed? I was convinced that he was okay with this. I was convinced that ~I~ was okay with this.

I run all the way back to Frankie’s and only stop to get my breath when the house is in sight. The lights on the porch twinkle as bright as the stars in the sky, and there are a few lights on in the house.

I hope everyone has left. It’s crazy o’clock—surely people can’t still be up.

As I climb the steps to the house with apprehension, I hear music playing. Thankfully, when I go in it’s my dad asleep on the chair, drunk, with Frankie’s CD player on repeat.

Eric Clapton’s song “Tears in Heaven” blares out and the words hit me like a spade to the face.

I let it play out before cutting it off, tears streaming down my face.

~Man, today has been one emotionally charged day.~

I cover my dad and head up to my bed, where I fall asleep fully clothed on top of the covers.

When I wake the next morning, my head is still full and I have one of those horrible stress headaches that even morphine wouldn’t clear.

I can hear Dad rustling around downstairs, and I’m surprised when I discover it’s afternoon.

I pick up my phone and check in on my socials. Nothing new from England, other than party videos and a couple of friends preparing for a marathon—boring!

Tobias posted a picture of himself this morning, looking sexy as hell. It’s not like the posts he usually puts on, so I’m annoyed and feel like it’s directed at me.

I zoom in on his half-naked body—his tattoos on show, his muscles that my lips were on only hours before—now showing for all the thirsty women to ogle.

I move to the comments and see all the flames and women’s desperate declarations of love.

I’m aware that I need to stop looking at this page, but I can’t bring myself to unfollow him. I know I will regret it within minutes of pressing the darn unfollow button.

I suddenly remember I left my camera at his house and thump my hands into the bed.

~Fuck, now I need to go back there and get it.~

I finally crawl out of bed when my phone battery is almost depleted. The sun is bright, and I struggle to fully adjust to the brightness.

“Dad,” I shout as I come out of my room.

My calls are met with silence, so I head down the stairs to find him. He’s nowhere to be seen. When I open the front door to see if his car is gone, I jump as I come face to face with Tobias, Tanner, and Travis.

“What do I own the pleasure?” I ask as I try and tame my chaotic hair. My question is directed at the three of them, but my gaze stays on Tobias.

I’m snarling at him in response to his post this morning. He leans out to me, unaware of my irritation, and hands me my camera.

“Well,” Travis starts, “we’ve been summoned here for the reading of Frankie’s will, or something.”

“Oh shit, is that today?” I ask.

I need to get ready before the lawyer arrives. I run back upstairs and start to get changed while they take a seat on the porch.

Around ten minutes later, the lawyer arrives along with my dad. We all sit silently in the lounge as the lawyer shuffles papers and dips in and out of his brown briefcase.

The boys look nervous as they sit uncomfortably in a row on the sofa. I hadn’t noticed how alike they all were before, but as I sit facing the three of them like an interviewer on a panel, the likeness is uncanny.

“Well, as his will was never updated, he left all his belongings and money to the three Kinsley boys who he said have all been like sons to him throughout his time on the ranch, and he wanted to thank you for being such strong, respectful young men.”

They all nod in sync and the lawyer goes on.

“Tanner, he has left his truck to you. Says here you will be able to ‘pimp’ it up with your talent, but if it’s unfixable he won’t be mad if you weigh it in for metal and just buy a few beers on him.

“Travis, he has left you the sum of six thousand dollars for the girls and asks that you start them with a savings account.

“Tobias, he leaves you the remaining amount of twenty-four thousand dollars. He says you will put it to good use and make things right with it.

“Finally, he leaves his house to his brother and his brother’s daughter Isabella. He says he wants you to finally come to visit your native land, and he hopes you will make use out of the house as a holiday home.”

I am overjoyed that the money was left to Tobias. Frankie knew him, and he recognized he would make good use of the money. I can bet my life he will use it to put the ranch right and get the debts straightened out.

He hasn’t looked at me through the whole process, but I notice his eyes go directly to me when the money is announced.

“That money should be yours,” he scowls at me as I walk them all to the door.

“No, Tobias, it’s for you. I would just waste it on designer handbags. Frankie knew you would make the best use out of it.”

“I hope I don’t find out this was your doing.”

I shake my head. How can he be pissed at me because my uncle left him the money he deserves?

“Are we doing a send-off for you, El?” Tanner asks as he turns back to me from the porch steps.

Travis is too far ahead to hear and Tobias doesn’t stop to join the conversation.

“Sure,” I smile. “I’m up for one last messy night.”

“Great.” He smiles and runs to catch up with his brothers.