CH 20

Slightly waking up from the dazzling surroundings, Tang Cuo slowly opened his moist eyes, like a long slow-motion scene in a movie playing at the end of a dream.

And in that instant, when he opened his eyes, he saw Tang Xu standing at the door.

At almost the same moment, he sprang up in shock, his dilated eyes staring at the door in terror, bewildered and scrambling backwards. He retreated until he hit the hard bed board, and when he had nowhere else to go, tears suddenly rushed out and covered his face. His mouth kept opening and closing, desperately trying to explain something, but he found he couldn’t make a sound and could only despairingly look at Tang Xu, like a trapped animal in the deep night forest, with his throat clenched.

Tang Xu pushed the door open and walked in, never taking his eyes off Tang Cuo, with an obscure and unclear look.

“Tang Xu…” Tang Cuo finally broke his speechless state. He tried to move forward, but his body was too weak, and he ended up kneeling at the bedside, incoherently apologising to the person across from him, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…I was planning to help you wash the sheets later…Tang Xu…”

The more Tang Cuo spoke, the more he cried, until his face was almost convulsing and he was shaking all over. Tang Xu was alarmed to see him like that.

“Si hang, calm down,” he said, relaxing his originally tense face as much as possible and speaking in a gentle tone.

Tang Cuo continued to look at him, but this sentence had no effect. He continued to sob and mumble explanations, but Tang Xu could no longer hear what he was saying.

Tang Xu moved slightly and tried to approach Tang Cuo, but he immediately trembled and moved away as if he had been triggered like a switch, crying even louder and even making sounds like an over-crying child.

He was helpless and extended a hand towards Tang Cuo. “Can you come over here first?”

Tang Cuo didn’t move but continued to look at him, one hand tightly gripping the wooden board at the head of the bed, his veins bulging.

But he was still too scared. He was afraid that if he didn’t go over and say something to the person in front of him, they would turn and leave. So he abandoned his last shred of dignity, knelt down, and crawled forward, quickly closing the short distance of the bed. However, he stumbled and fell twice on the way, looking extremely embarrassed.

At this moment, Tang Cuo was only wearing Tang Xu’s short-sleeved T-shirt, was completely naked below the waist without even wearing underwear, and there was semi-dry white fluid hanging between his legs. When his eyes touched his white thigh, his tears suddenly flowed more fiercely and uncontrollably. He helplessly pulled down the hem of his shirt, as if this could cover up his embarrassment and his filthy body.

“I plan to wash the sheets for you… I’m sorry…”

He finally stumbled and crawled to Tang Xu’s side, reaching out with one hand but hesitating to touch Tang Xu’s body.

Tang Cuo was crying so hard that he was gasping for breath, with snot hanging under his nose. He didn’t know, and he couldn’t imagine how embarrassing he looked right now. He was only left with fear, afraid that Tang Xu would scold him, hate him, or… leave him again. Just thinking about this possibility made him feel like he didn’t exist at all, no matter how shameful that existence might be.

The air around him suddenly seemed to turn cold, and the temperature transmitted to his exposed skin, making him shiver with cold all the way to his heart.

Suddenly, his body was wrapped in a warm embrace. Tang Cuo raised his head and saw Tang Xu holding the quilt over him. Finally, he didn’t have to feel ashamed of touching the air or the sun because Tang Xu was covering him up and shielding him from the embarrassment.

“Tang Xu…”

The person in front of him reached out and brushed his face, sighing, “Why are you crying like this?”

Tang Cuo was now only left with sobbing, unable to stop.

Tang Xu stood there, holding him with the quilt and letting his head rest on his body. He didn’t say anything but stroked his back to help him calm down.

When he finally calmed down a bit under Tang Xu’s body warmth, his big sobs turned into small ones. Suddenly, Tang Xu stretched out a hand and pulled up his chin to make him look into his eyes. Tang Cuo panicked and tried to turn his head away, but Tang Xu used a rare firmness to keep him in place.

“Are you calm now?” Tang Xu asked

Tang Cuo was wrapped up in the blanket, with only his head exposed, and his eyes and nose were still red from crying. He opened his mouth, but because his nose was blocked, he only made a humming sound.

“Then tell me, why are you like this?” Tang Xu said

Tang Cuo didn’t speak; he just stared at him blankly and sniffled, as if he didn’t understand what he was saying.

Tang Xu let out a sigh and released the hand that was holding onto the blanket, then turned around.

Tang Cuo was startled by Tang Xu’s sudden movement and lunged forward, reaching out with one hand to grab him. Tang Xu, startled by the commotion behind him, turned around to see Tang Cuo already diving towards the ground. He quickly stepped forward and caught him, holding him in his arms.

This time, Tang Cuo grabbed onto Tang Xu’s shirt tightly with the hand that had been extended from under the blanket and began to cry again.

Tang Xu understood and comforted him like a child, patting his back and saying, “I just wanted to get you some tissues to wipe your nose.”

With that, he gave up on going to the bedside to get tissue and instead pulled up his shirt to wipe Tang Cuo’s nose.

He wiped him carefully, and only then did Tang Xu wrap him up more in the blanket, lifting his head and asking more directly, “Now tell me, why do you call my name when you masturbate?”

As soon as he finished speaking, Tang Cuo became agitated again, shaking his head desperately. “I’m sorry… I won’t… I won’t…”

“Sixing,” Tang Xu interrupted him without hesitation. “Listen, I didn’t say anything, and I’m not angry. You don’t have to keep apologising. Tell me why; I want to hear the real reason. If you tell the truth, I won’t be angry at all.”

To pinpoint someone’s weakness is actually a bit cruel. But today, Tang Xu just wanted to force Tang Cuo to tell the truth, to see the real him, to see what was hidden beneath the facade of excellence and politeness.

Tang Cuo gradually lost his voice as he looked at him.

Seeing that he had finally calmed down, Tang Xu encouraged him by patting his face and wiping away the tears that had just fallen from his cheek with his thumb.

“Tell me the truth.”

Tang Xu’s palm was warm, and even in the cold winter days, he could warm Tang Cuo’s existence, let alone at a time like this.

Tang Cuo looked at him in a daze. They were so close that their features were clear and their breaths were in sync. However, Tang Cuo felt that he still couldn’t see him clearly. The more he tried to blink and focus, the more blurry his vision became. This face had appeared too many times in his dreams, during the days when they were miles apart and unrelated, and even when he had crossed mountains and rivers to be by his side, carefully playing the role of a good boy. This face was the only dream he had, and it was also the birthplace of all his emotions. Humans have seven emotions and six desires, and before he had even understood what love and desire were, he had already engraved Tang Xu’s name in his heart. He couldn’t erase it, so he could only cover it up, holding onto his happiness carefully and guardedly, not allowing others to peek. But this morning, that veil was torn away, and all the secrets were exposed in the sunlight. There was only one answer left for him.

Tang Xu was still waiting for his answer, still looking at him with an attentive expression, as if there were only him in his eyes.

The hand holding onto Tang Xu’s clothes tightened even more, with tears constantly streaming down the face. Tang Xu wiped them away, but they kept flowing, and Tang Xu kept wiping them away. The two of them were stuck in this cycle, and it seemed that Tang Xu had mustered all his patience today and had no intention of letting Tang Cuo go.

After Tang Cuo’s slightly dry hands had been moistened by his tears, he finally looked into Tang Xu’s pupils and spoke softly.

“Because I like you…”

As if he wanted to cry all the tears of his life, Tang Cuo lowered his head in embarrassment, tears streaming down in circles and forming a gentle and lingering shape on the bed sheet.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…I just like you…”

The expected response had already been anticipated, yet it still stirred up a huge wave in Tang Xu’s heart. Tang Cuo tightly held his hand, his slightly trembling shoulders and furry hair roots exposed as he lowered his head. It was as if he were climbing up, touching the most sensitive nerve in Tang Xu with just a light touch. Despite the slight touch, his head was already ringing with pain.

When did Tang Cuo start liking him? When he sent him away, he was just a child, and they only reunited for half a semester. When did Tang Cuo’s liking begin?

On that night many years ago, the stubborn child who refused to admit his mistakes appeared in front of him again, red-eyed and shouting at him. He closed his eyes and placed his hand on Tang Cuo’s neck, gently stroking his soft and delicate hair. There were signs, but he didn’t want to believe it and was too afraid to believe it.

“Okay, I got it.” Tang Xu gently picked him up and changed his sitting position on the bed. He had been kneeling for so long that his legs were probably numb by now. After placing him down, Tang Xu wiped away the tears on his face and said, “Don’t cry.”

After revealing the final secret, Tang Cuo seemed completely drained of energy, allowing Tang Xu to manipulate him as she pleased. The two of them stayed quietly together for a while.

Tang Xu didn’t continue to probe for details about “liking you.” He felt it was enough for today. He squatted down and said to Tang Cuo, “Class is starting soon, and both of your classes are taught by me. It’s too late to find a substitute teacher now. Although I haven’t been a teacher for long, I haven’t had any teaching accidents. If we don’t leave now, it will be a teaching accident.”

When Tang Cuo heard the word “leave,” his eyelashes flickered twice, and he lifted his head.

“I’m worried about you being alone at home. How about you tidy up and come with me to school?”

Upon hearing this, Tang Cuo visibly stiffened his body and shook his head slowly after a long pause. When he spoke again, his voice was hoarse: “I don’t want to go.”

Tang Xu sighed. “I know. What should we do? Will you be staying home alone?”

Tang Cuo muffled his voice and nodded.

“I’m not at ease.”

After speaking, Tang Xu took out his phone and called a teacher from the same group. Tang Cuo was anxious when he saw this and began to cry again, “I’m really okay, you can go to class.”

In the end, Tang Xu couldn’t persuade Tang Cuo, and after giving him a few instructions, he turned around and left the bedroom. When he reached the living room, he thought of the way Tang Cuo looked at him when he left, and it really pained him.

So he looked at the sun outside the window, and under its rays, he turned back.

He has always been a decisive person, making decisions for himself since he was young and rarely needing his parents or others to intervene. This is the second time he doesn’t know what to do. The first time was seven years ago, when he sent Tang Cuo away after not knowing what to do.

He has made so many decisions, and almost every time, he has proven to make the most correct and advantageous decision. And now, he vaguely realises, or rather, he has realised for certain, that he made the wrong decision seven years ago. He doesn’t know what Tang Cuo has been through, but from Tang Cuo’s behaviour today, he hasn’t been doing as well as he thought, far from it.

Perhaps it’s not Tang Cuo who should be apologised to.

Inside the room, Tang Cuo had already closed his eyes, not even opening them when he heard Tang Xu’s footsteps returning.

Tang Xu stood in front of the bed and bent down.

As the warm touch just came, Tang Cuo suddenly opened his eyes. He blinks very lightly, as if afraid of waking up from this overly happy dream.

“I don’t know how to make you feel more at ease; don’t think too much or run around; the sheets don’t need to be washed; just sleep if you’re tired; watch TV or play for a while if you’re not; and wait for me to come back for dinner, okay?”

Tang Cuo’s eyes, still wide open, hadn’t recovered from the shock of Tang Xu’s voice. He absent-mindedly reached out a hand and touched his own forehead.

Without a response, Tang Xu didn’t know if the person on the bed had heard him or not. He grabbed Tang Cuo’s hand from his forehead, pulled it down, and kissed the same spot again.

“I really have to go to class now. Stay at home and be good. Don’t worry me too much, okay?”