07 | S

VANESSA TAN WAS considered to be the epitome of an ice-queen.

Vanessa had beautiful auburn-coloured eyes and luscious straight, black hair which framed her ovular face. Her attractive features had been derived courtesy of her Chinese roots and were the reason why she attracted the eyes of so many.

But those attempts of suitors to court her or even just people wanting to befriend her would, more times than not, be met with a cruel and brutal rejection. Her ruthlessness in rejecting suitors had earned her her ice-cold reputation. The way she carried herself, with a touch of grace and venom ; like how a queen would, was what had sealed the deal for her title of ice queen.

Vanessa pursed her lips at the stage whispers that arose as she started to walk down the hallway.

Have you seen what she's wearing?

Damn, she looks completely fine for a girl who just lost her best friend 3 months ago

What did Serena ever see in her?

I keep telling you, Serena should've been my friend, I would have mourned her way better than Vanessa over there.

Vanessa resisted the urge to roll her eyes, choosing instead to continue her walk down the hall towards her locker. The rumours weren't worth getting riled up over.

She found it amusing how plentiful of people tried to shatter her, to break her. They clearly hadn't gotten the memo that it was impossible to break what was already broken— and she was already shattered glass.

The rumours no longer harmed her, they did nothing but remind her that she was still alive and that Serena wasn't.

Her footsteps slowed as she stopped briefly in front of a locker, decorated with letters and tributes ranging from sweets and flowers to teddy bears and expensive jewellery. Said locker was an anomaly amongst the otherwise straight trail of plain blue lockers that lined the walls but there was a reason for it.

That locker had been Serena Wilson's.

Once Serena had passed, students of Oaksville had created a shrine out of her locker. Gifts of all sorts kept popping up each day, the flow never seemed to end, even after 3 months had dragged on by.

If anything, more people became aware of who the girl was. 3 months after her passing, her popularity still continued to grow exponentially. Serena's influence had stretched far beyond the small town of Oaksville, some from other towns had even come to offer their condolences and respects.

Vanessa scowled, clearly these people didn't know Serena well enough to know her likes and dislikes. Serena had hated extravagant things like jewellery. She hated candy because they had always clung to her braces and were quote unquote 'impossible to clean up after'.

She had always preferred small, hand-made gifts as opposed to lavish ones.

Vanessa breathed in and out, to calm herself because it was the thought that counted. Even if those people leaving her gifts were the same people that teased Serena and whispered about her behind her backs — it was fine.

Or at least that was what she told herself, because if she didn't, she would've rained hell on them a long time ago.

As she breathed in, she noticed the familiar scent of fresh flowers. Sunflowers and white roses—Serena's favourite kinds. This, she nodded appreciatively at.

The flowers had been the linchpin of the entire shrine. Two months ago, a bouquet of these exact same flowers had been placed at the foot of her locker. What followed next, could only be described as a ripple effect ; others began to follow suit, placing their own tributes and gifts.

Even as more gifts started to flood the locker, the mystery stranger had — without fail — always bought a weekly bouquet of flowers.

Vanessa had never caught sight of the mystery male or female who was placing the flowers as they took great care to only come out of the shadows after everyone had left or when there was no one in sight. It was a clear memo that whoever they were, they didn't want to be seen.

To maintain the anonymity of the person, she didn't bring herself to find out their identity. He or she had wanted to remain anonymous for a reason and in a town where everybody seemed to know everything, privacy was a blessing.

An exemplary showcase of their town's rumour-spreading abilities were Serena's death. The vicious rumours that alighted themselves soon after her passing quickly amassed themselves online.

That would be one of Vanessa's biggest regrets. For allowing the rumours surrounding Serena's death to go on as long as it did. She should've stopped it sooner, instead of wallowing in her own grief.

A week of grief. That was all she took before plastering on her metaphoric armour and took to the internet to begin clearing her best friend's name. She took down all the posts, reported all the nasty comments and made a clear stance that although Serena had passed, she would not tolerate any fucker talking shit about her best-friend.

It was the least Vanessa could do for her. Clear any remaining rumours surrounding her deceased best friend.

Moving past the shrine that always evoked poignant memories, she sighed heavily as she twisted the dial for her own locker which was right next to it. It was hard to attempt to move on when said girl's shrine was right next to her own locker.

She had requested for a locker change but the administration had informed her that it could only be done for new students. She was stuck with that ominous, haunting locker until she graduated from this hell hole.

The bell rang loudly, signalling that the next class was beginning followed by the scurrying of footsteps and loud voices as one by one each student ran hurriedly to their classes.

"A few more months Vanessa, a few more months until graduation and then you can leave." was the mantra she repeated to herself as she entered the class, head down low and immediately took a seat at the back of the auditorium, isolating herself from the rest of the class.

This was the one class that everyone seemed to take. Keith, Declan, Yasmin, Meiji, the football team, everyone. God knows why everyone had wanted to take English Literature so much, hell, half the characters they were learning about were constantly either love-sick or cross-dressing as someone else and the otherwise mediocre plot was only uplifted with essences of miscommunication.

As people began to fill up the auditorium, Vanessa felt her heart rate begin to escalate. The noises were growing louder and even though she was the only person at the back of the room, she felt as if her ears had turned into that of an elf's as even the chatter near the front desk seemed audible.

Taking deep breaths, she maintained her composure. She resolutely refused to break down. At least, not here. Not in front of the watchful eyes of everyone. Her breakdown would be the pivotal moment, plastered across every social media page. She refused to let herself be objectified and made into an article.

Thankfully, Vanessa managed to calm herself just in time for the teacher to enter the classroom. Upon noticing the seat next to her empty, a small frown graced the teacher's face but she didn't question it.

Vanessa had used to sit next to Yasmin in this class but ever since Serena's passing, they no longer did. She hadn't even spoken a single word to Yasmin since the funeral three months ago. When they tried to engage in conversation, it was too tense and unsettling. Serena had been the one to introduce them to each other, she was their glue. When she passed, it had been a mutual decision for both of them to halt their friendship interminably.

Until they could both move on.

It had only been 3 months since that dreadful date but to Vanessa it felt like an eternity had passed. 3 months could truly cause permanent damage and Serena's passing was a prime example of that.

Ever since Serena's death had made headlines of news stations, the life everyone had known, the routines everyone had followed religiously, had been thrown up in the air and there they remained—suspended mid-way.

"Good morning class, today we're going to be continuing our study on William Shakespeare's Twelfth Night."

As Ms Lane continued her lesson, Vanessa let her mind wander. She had already read the play back and forth twice, all too familiar with its contents and their implicit meanings.

What they were currently learning was child's play to her.

Her fingers began to tap the table in a rhythmic motion.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Vanessa," Ms Lane called, noticing the girl's bored expression. "Care to explain the answer to the question on the board?"

Vanessa's eyes scanned the black board intensely.

"Explain the portrayal of the theme of love by William Shakespeare in the play Twelfth Night." was written in neat block letters of their teacher.

Responding with meager enthusiasm, she said "One of the portrayals was an unrequited love as shown by Duke Orsino towards Lady Olivia."

"The Duke was a lovely young man though, why do you think that Lady Olivia rejected him?" Ms Lane challenged back.

"Personally, I believe Duke Orsino was an ass." she shrugged her shoulders, ignoring Ms Lane's raising eyebrows at the language she used to describe him and continued to power on with her claim.

"He claimed to love Lady Olivia yet he never even once went to her castle—he always sent servants on his behalf. It was no wonder Lady Olivia fell in love with Cesario ; Cesario actually went to see her and his speeches to her were always spot on."

"Nerd!" yelled out one boy from the front.

Vanessa narrowed her eyes on him.

"At least I know how to answer, Dunkin. Wouldn't expect you to though, after all, your parents must've been pretty drunk—who names their kid after a donut shop??

Light laughter tinkled through the class as Dunkin's face became coloured a bright pink.

"That's enough. Thank you for your answer Vanessa. You may sit."

Vanessa sank back into her seat, ignoring the burning gaze from a particular Japanese boy as she glanced at the clock. 30 minutes left.

As soon as the bell rang 30 minutes later, students clamoured to the exit, all eager to go home. Vanessa, on the other hand, took her time. There was no point clamouring for the exit, it would only create a human traffic congestion. She preferred to let everybody fight over the exit, only leaving 5 minutes later when most of them were gone and the exit was all hers.

As she was packing her bag, Ms Lane called out to her again.

"Vanessa, a word please."

Descending down the stairs of the auditorium, she met Ms Lane at the bottom with her arms crossed.

"Yes?"

"Before I say anything else, I have only one question for you. Are you alright, my dear?"

"You haven't been paying attention as much as you have and although you give stellar responses as per usual, you've lost that spark that seemed to burn so brightly whenever you were in my class. I know Literature continues to be one of your favourite subjects so I'm assured you're still passionate about that but my dear, you're not the same."

Of course, I haven't. My best friend literally un-alived herself and you're expecting me to be okay?

At the look of incredulity on her face, Ms Lane let out a soft chuckle.

"I know you think I'm being ridiculous, asking you to return to your regular self when you've only recently suffered a tremendous loss but I don't think I'm wrong in asking this because Serena would have wanted the same thing."

Vanessa flinched instinctively. No one had mentioned her name aloud in front of her so explicitly. She felt... exposed, as if an outer layer of herself had been peeled away.

Ms Lane's face morphed into one of sympathy, her tone empathetic as she continued. "You're my student, but from person to person, I know what loss feels like. I know how hopeless and lost you're feeling at this time. I'm not going to give you the confirmation that you will get better because there's no telling that is what will happen.

"I can however, give you this reassurance. Grief is painful, but it is from grief that we emerge stronger. All of us, especially you, Vanessa, are capable of overcoming this. You just have to learn how to."

Struck into silence, Vanessa could not help but be marvelled at her Literature teacher. Damn, were all english teachers this philosophical?

Ms Lane shuffled in her purse before producing a neatly kept white envelope with the words 'To Nessa' written on the front.

"The main reason I stopped you though, is because I have a letter for you. Someone gave it to me recently. Said that I should give it to you when I next saw you and well, I'm seeing you now."

"Take care, Vanessa." were Ms Lane's last words to her as she handed over the letter delicately.

Coming back to her senses, Vanessa managed a simple nod of her head with a small meek 'thank you' before quickly departing from the classroom.

As she made her way down the pin-drop silent hallway, she turned over the letter in her hands absentmindedly.

She already knew who the writer of the letter was. It was the one person who called her Nessa. The only person who did, actually. It was a letter from her best friend. Vanessa could have laughed at how cliche this was, it was just like in the movies they'd watched.

Every time someone died, they left behind a piece of themselves to be discovered. Similarly, this must have been Serena's piece for her.

The car park was deserted, of course. It was crazily scary how fast the students had vacated the school compounds but it was nothing surprising anymore. Everything was different now.

Serena's passing had hit everyone pretty hard.

With the car park being empty, it was sufficient privacy for Vanessa. Leaning against her car door, she opened the letter and began to read.

***

DEAR NESSA,

Hey, Ness.

I couldn't just leave without leaving something for one of my best friends right?

Gosh, I don't even know where to begin. This journey we've been through, from freshman year up until our senior year... it's really been a hell of a roller coaster, hasn't it? I'll never forget seeing your stoic face during freshman year, I made it my personal mission to make you laugh and would you look at that— I did, and it only took me a solid 3 months!

My only regret is not knowing you earlier like I had with Yasmin, but maybe it's better that you knew me for lesser years, the memories would only be more painful to bear anyways.

Let's start with discussion on our unspoken rivalry. A rather bitter thing to touch upon, especially in a goodbye letter but no friendship is completely made up of sunshine and rainbows. I want to reminisce on both the good, and the bad.

Everything, and I mean everything, was always a competition between us whether it be studies or even just who got the first pick at choosing teams. Maybe to you it wasn't, maybe to you it was easy. But not for me. Though we never spoke of it aloud, it was obvious. We competed for the top.

But our rivalry was a blessing. It spurred us on, allowed us to be able to grow into bigger and better people. I know we both fought for the same things that first place brought, notably the showers of appreciation and praise. Praise that were worth it but let me tell you ; I never got that praise. It was why I decided to start letting you take the lead.

Nothing I ever did was enough for mother dearest—never. It didn't matter that I sacrificed my health for her or the fact that I barely slept, anything less than a hundred was imperfect. But I knew your parents would at least give you appreciative comments. The lord knows I only needed one positive comment, just one. But I never got it.

Okay, enough about me. In spite of our rivalry, Nessa, you're also one of my best friends, regardless of everything else. No human's perfect, and that goes for our friendship. We may have hated each other at times but that's what made our friendship real because through it all, we also loved each other wholeheartedly.

I don't regret you befriending you, I never have.

You gave me so much to live for, laughter during lessons, fun during summer break, you gave me a shoulder to cry on, because I could relate to you on a deeper level than I could have with Yas. Yas was my first friend yes, but she has parents that love her for life-we're different.

You and I, our parents view us as pawns in a game of chess, to further their reputations with the help of their kin. It was always about business. It was never about us. Never.

Remember that. You did so much for me, gave me everything a best friend could, and I'm so eternally grateful. I wish I could have done the same.

Nessa, I regret not stepping in when your parents told you to cut off your friendship with Meiji. Vanessa, I know the reason you broke up with Meiji was because your parents threatened to use your friendship against you.

Please don't leave high school without making amends.

That boy loves you, Vanessa. He made some mistakes but none that are not non-forgivable.

Forget your parents for a moment, if they weren't in the picture, can you swear on your life you wouldn't go after him?

Vanessa couldn't.

I won't tell you to give him a chance because god I know you'll only do the opposite of what people tell you to.

At this line, Vanessa chuckled, it was a true statement she had to agree. She hadn't realised she was reaching the end of the letter until she noticed the words trailing off with a scrawlish signature. Her heart clenched as she pushed forward, reading the last few lines.

Aside from Meiji's rocky, confusing and rather turbulent mess, I just have one request : please don't push everyone away from you, Nessa.

Because I fear that is what you'll do once I'm gone. Don't let that be the case. Don't let my actions stop you from pursuing your dreams and being the happiest you've ever been. Senior year is meant to be the peak of our high school life — the parties, laughing at crude jokes, panicking over our final year exams, all of that.

I don't want my passing to dampen everyone's feelings because my passing is inexorable. I want to tell you something pertinent to my choice of ending it all. I realised at the start of this year, that I was tired.

Each day I woke up with this immeasurable empty, numb feeling. Every negative emotion was heightened ten-fold while the positive emotions were reduced to a minuscule level. Everything I did, I felt as if I did in limbo or in purgatory and lord, this couldn't be real life, could it? What was the point of living if every day I woke up to pain? My despair only continued to grow as it became more often than not that I woke up like this.

Although not necessarily death, I just wanted this pain, this feeling of emptiness to end. I want to reassure you that I didn't die bitter, I died relieved. And for me, that's the best thing that can happen. Dying of relief rather than bitterness of staying on far too long.

I don't want this letter to end but sadly, all good things come to an end.

I'll always be grateful for you coming into my life.

ALWAYS WITH YOU,

Serena Wilson

***

TEARS POOLED VANESSA'S eyes as she allowed herself to slide down the car door, heart aching.

"You idiot", she muttered aloud as her tears began to fall, colouring the pavement a darker shade. "I love you too... and I miss you. So much. I'm sorry I couldn't have been there for you."

Unexpectedly, a pair of feet planted themselves in front of her view. Red sneakers.

Vanessa froze. Hadn't everyone already left? Wiping her tears away, she got up to her feet instantly, face coloured with shock when she deduced who it was.

With a quirky smile, there, in all his glory was Meiji Osaimai.

Fuck.