04 | T

"CHAN, WATCH OUT!" yelled out a voice.

Keith 'Chan' glanced up in time to see the basketball pummelling directly towards him. He held up his hands, instinctively positioning them for the ball to ably land in his arms.

"Thanks man," said Meiji as he jogged up to his best friend who tossed the ball effortlessly back to him while Seth watched them from afar. "What's up? I haven't seen you in practice for over a week!"

Keith mustered up a forced smile, "I've been busy, what with finals coming up and all..."

Liar.

The voice inside his head scolded

How could you lie to your best friend? And you wonder why you're always lonely. This is why. You'll never amount to anyth-

The voice taunting him was cut off as Seth smacked his head harshly. Keith hadn't even noticed when he had jogged up to them.

"I know that face Keith, are they coming back again?" Seth referenced the voices with a hard face.

Keith's face immediately hardened, the pain from the smack immediately forgotten as he retorted, "Why do you care Seth? You didn't care when she suffered and don't pretend as though you do about me now."

Whatever compassion Seth had held for his friend left his face as he spoke coldly, "I don't. I'm just making sure you don't fuck up the game next Tuesday. Don't mistake my obligation for compassion. Let's go, Meiji."

As Seth jogged back to the court, Meiji offered Keith an apologetic smile.

"Hey," he nudged Keith, "It'll be okay. You'll do great, you always have."

Keith appreciated Meiji's comforting words but they weren't convincing. Still, he gave a hopefully acceptable reciprocating smile as he walked back towards the school's lobby, wondering all the while how his friendship had deteriorated so rapidly within just a span of three months.

***

There used to be a time when Keith Chan and Seth Naifeh were closer than ever. They were practically attached at the hip but that was before everything.

Before he had discovered Serena's death.

Three months ago, Keith had learnt the news that Serena Wilson had passed. Their group had all just finished practice when Jake had barged in, and with an extravagant flourish that seemed almost disrespectful, announced the news to everyone in the locker room that Serena had been found dead by pills.

There was no mournfulness in his eyes, only gleefulness which faded away as no one responded to his announcement with the same enthusiasm he carried.

As the words Jake yelled settled into the boys' bones, they cast each other uneasy looks. It had been Asli, one of their teammates, who had stood up first.

"For fucks sake, have some respect Jake. Don't act as if her death is a trophy prize. Serena was still a human. She was like you and me. No one deserves to die." was his last sentence as he exited the locker room

One by one, each of them fumbling over their steps and drowning in their own thoughts, they left until the only people left in the room were Jake, Meiji, Seth and Keith.

Keith sat down in the middle of the bench, head in his arms.

"At least tell me you lot are happy about this predicament." Jake questioned, arms crossed on his chest. "I mean, you practically shadowed her for her entire four years at Oaksville."

A tense silence cast itself over the entirety of the locker room.

"Get out." Keith said simply, "Get out, Jake. Before you make us do something we'll regret."

It was no secret that Seth's infamous trio were constantly picking on Serena, it had been worse when they were younger and the wounds of Seth's past were still fresh. Although the nasty comments had trickled out as they grew older, words scarred and even if Seth had stopped, it didn't mean the rest did.

Though Serena's popularity was enough to mean that the rumours could not be directly talked about to her face it still made her a famous subject for most lunch conversations.

It was why she never ate lunch weeks before her suicide attempt. The rumours and her insecurities made it pretty damn hard for her.

Jake had the audacity to look astounded, floored even, at Keith's brutal reply.

"But didn't you —"

"Jake, we said get. Out." Meiji finally spoke up, face impassive as ever but eyes set in a hard gaze.

Jake raised his hands in surrender, "Okay okay, jesus. I'm outta here."

"Was it our fault.." murmured Keith as Jake left.

"There's no point in regretting what we did." Seth finally spoke, the first words he had since Jake had broken the news. "We can't take back the past."

"But it was our fault, to an extent."

Seth scoffed. "Keith, there is no point reflecting on the past. We stopped. We didn't force her to do anything. It was her choice."

"Are you refusing to admit your wrongs?"

At Seth's silence, Keith stood up indignantly from his sedentary position. "I can't believe you! Serena was just a girl! She had her whole life ahead of her! Even if we weren't the cause of it, we contributed to it. You have to admit that."

He took a few steps backwards, away from Seth, looking at him with an indescribable look. One that a stranger would quote to be as if they hadn't been friends for 4 years, as if they hadn't been team mates, as if the bonding they shared had been broken.

It was as though a stranger was standing in front of Keith. Casting an impassive gaze at the boy he once called his best-friend, he spoke quietly.

"Don't talk to me until you're ready to admit your mistakes." were his last words as he made his way out of the locker room.

That day, their friendship had cracked.

He hadn't talked to Seth since.

***

Keith reached his locker, glancing at it apprehensively.

He couldn't remember when the voices had gotten so strong. They'd been present before but never as strong as now. He accredited some of the blame towards the news of Serena's death, the news which had changed so many lives—and not necessarily for the better.

It was the need to be perfect that drove him to begin taking steroids, to achieve the ultimate perfect body he needed for competitions. It was an activity that he was ashamed to admit to anyone. He glanced around the locker room, making sure no one was around.

As he reached into the back for the hidden secret, he saw something peculiar plastered to the side of his locker. A white rectangular sheet of paper.

Odd, it hadn't been there that morning. As he reached back to pull it out, he realised it was a letter. The words 'to keith' were written in a cursive scrawl neatly across.

Carefully un-plastering it from his locker door whilst taking care not to rip it apart, he opened the letter.

DEAR KEITH,

I don't even know how to start off this letter but I know you're not expecting to receive this letter—hell I'm not even sure why I'm writing one. Afterall, we weren't at all close, you were one of the first ones to bully me during freshman year. I've long since forgiven you though. In spite of the fact that you did bully me, it was comparatively lighter than Meiji and Seth. You were the one who helped clean me up after the pranks they pull, the one who comforted me as best as you could about the rumours after seeing me burst into tears a couple times and the one who matured faster than the other two.

You've matured, Keith Chan.

I don't blame you for being scared to stand up to them when they were around, I know you just wanted to fit in, god knows every single teenager wants that ; to feel wanted, to feel needed, to feel validated, to feel anything. I know that your heart is of gold, Keith, despite what you might otherwise think or feel. One action doesn't define your entire character.

One bad choice doesn't make you a bad person ultimately. From the countless times I saw you helping girls when they threw up or comforting others, you were always putting others above yourself, that showed me everything I needed to make an evaluation. You aren't a bad person. Your selflessness Keith, is admirable.

Thank you Keith, for helping me escape a rapist that night at the party. I recognised you from your signature gelled hair and excessive amount of jewellery you wore (HAHA). I saw you push yourself through the hoard of females throwing themselves at you to come help me. To this day, I'm not sure why you did that actually.

Why would you rescue someone who didn't deserve anything?

However, I'm grateful for that. If you hadn't, my suicide would've probably come a lot sooner. I guess through it all, I just want you to know that it wasn't you who pushed me off the edge. Not even partially.

It was my choice to take pills to end my life. It was my choice to not speak up about the bullying.

It's no secret that my mental health isn't perfect, Keith. You've witnessed my panic attacks first-hand of which are not easy to calm down from or deal with, I'm forever grateful to you for keeping those a secret. More so for just being there and offering help.

My death wasn't a matter of who, it was a matter of when.

Therefore, to simply put, it was not your fault.

Don't blame yourself like I know you will. Don't ponder over what could've been and instead look ahead ; it's useless to look back on the past, no matter how hard you look—I'm not here anymore. Look forwards, not backwards.

Keith, I know it's hard for you right now. If you've heard the news, I know my death will have affected you because your heart's just like that, caring for people you barely know.

I know you're at your wit's end right now.

I know about how you consume those pills like they're nothing, I know you convince yourself it's for a better level of fitness but it's something else, isn't it? It's because you seek control and validation.

Keith swore he felt his heart stop, how?

I know because your actions are identical to the ones I performed when I was going through hell and wrecking myself.

I know the affairs that your father is having. Because his mistress is my mother. And I know that's why you're taking these steroids. To seek a semblance of control amongst the chaos, hoping that if you're perfect, maybe your father would stop whatever the hell it is he's doing.

It's a fruitless attempt. I learned that the hard way. No one will change for us. Change is only possible if they want to change.

It's not worth it Keith. Your skills are amazing, even without the help of the pills. I'm so proud of the person you've grown into, even if all we've ever really done is seen each other from afar.

Promise me one thing, just one : please stop the pills. I know that it probably sounds ridiculous and hypocritical coming from me. Yet in spite of that, it is my last wish for you.

Thank you Keith,

For everything. Truly.

STAY GOLD,Serena Wilson

Keith finished reading the letter, his eyes sorrowful. He glanced down at the bottle of pills he held in one hand, and the letter in the other.

It was a decision he had to make.

That day, Keith Chan walked out of the locker room with one hand void.

He walked back home, until he arrived at the doorstep, hand still clutching the letter as though it might disappear at any given moment.

"I promise Serena." were the words he murmured.