51 | 𝑆ℎ𝑒'𝑠 𝑁𝑜𝑡 𝐴𝑓𝑟𝑎𝑖𝑑

Freedom felt nice.

"Make a left turn," he instructed with a faint gleam in his eyes. I smiled brightly, twisting the wheel and drawing the car closer to the lot. He nodded his head. "Good job, Ms. Kellman."

"So?" I urged excitedly, putting the car in park and bouncing in my seat. "Did I pass? Am I officially out there in the world?" My voice was ecstatic and felt a bubble of enthusiasm clog my throat.

He nodded, looking at me with a smile. "I think you did. I'm impressed and yes, you might just be officially out there in the world as long as you drive exactly how you did here with me."

"Of course," I assured him with a smile, getting out of the car and slapping the door closed with a smile. I saw my mom at the curb, her hands to her chest. "I did it!" I squealed, sprinting to her and embracing my arms around her figure as she did the same. I felt so happy, so guy-free that the sky even looked somewhat bluer.

My friends were right, I did need a break.

My mom gave me one last squeeze and parted to say, "I heard there's this cafe that just opened! Celebratory cup?" She sounded just as anxious to get our afternoon peek of coffee, and I couldn't help but agree. Besides, I knew I needed to talk to her about this whole fiasco.

I exclaimed, "yep, and I'll drive!" I twirled the keys around my index finger.

When we were seated at a wooden table in the indie styled hole in the wall cafe with cute cactus neon signs and orange-yellow fairy lights, I admitted, "I've been all over the place lately." My hands cupped the white mug that had a white cream heart drawn into the espresso. "This whole Sullivan thing is getting to me."

"I thought you and him were happy?" she asked, slightly confused. "Riyah, he's been your crush for as long as I've known. I mean, you were like in third grade and writing in your diary."

"That's the thing," I said, gulping down my sip. I gently placed the bottom of the mug on the ceramic plate. "I had so many expectations. I can't tell if this is reality or if this is less than that."

"Sweetie, you just started dating him?" she reminded. "And you're young---"

"I know, so shouldn't it start off good at least, then go down-hill." I bit my bottom lip, but I caught her big hazel eyes staring at me as if I was a specimen under a microscope. Something felt off about the way she was looking at me, like I'd said something wrong, but when I thought over my words, I felt fine. "What?" I finally asked.

She lowered the coffee leisurely as the waitress came walking over, asking if we wanted anything, but my mom brushed her off politely. The conversations seemed to heighten now that we were quiet and I heard some distant conversations about the spring, past winter break, and the current news about politics or the economy. I was focused on my boy problems, and now apparently so was my mom. She looked troubled.

"Riyah."

I breathed in relief, I was afraid she wasn't going to speak, but a new form of hesitation erupted inside of me.

She blinked, her eyes driving down to the table, staring at the details of wood beneath our elbows. "I knew when it was happening that it was a bad example, but you're not afraid of having a failed relationship like me, right?" Her bottom lip quivered "Not all relationships are like the one your parents had--"

"No, no--what?" I stammered now, my breathing hastening.

Maybe I should tell my mom the truth.

I sucked in a breath. "I'm not worried about Sullivan cheating on me... cause I already did that to him." It felt cold now that I said it like the lies all along have been a blanket, and now that I shed them off my body, I was awakened to the frigid truth of my words. I saw the pain in her eyes and soothed, "Mom, I'm telling Sullivan about it, but he already sort of knows--"

"What?" Her face paled. "I thought I raised you better than to play with someone's heart." Tears welled in her eyes and I could see a thousand memories roll into her vision, so much so that she couldn't see me. Frightfully, when she met my eyes, she was cold. "You try so hard to be independent and separate yourself from your father. I thought it was because you were so hurt by how he broke our family and how he completely broke us, but no, I know why you separate yourself from him now, you are afraid that you are turning to be just like him."

My breath hitched quickly. "Mom, no, you don't---" I regretted telling her. I thought I could explain that I was doing it to escape Sullivan's ways. Sometimes he was too aggressive, but then again, he never hurt me. He never hurt me anymore than my father did.

"Might as well let him see you before prom? Or graduation. Give you some pointers on how to hide it better--" She threw down her napkin that was clamped in her fist. "You are your father's daughter," she said alas and sprinted through the clusters of people awaiting their coffee and into the bathroom, leaving me in the disappearance.

I glanced to the window panes, pursing my lips that wouldn't stop twitching to allow a gasp in my lungs, but I stayed calm. My eyes were damp and itchy, but I shuddered at the feeling and sipped my coffee until she returned about fifteen minutes later. Her pale complexion was blotchy and her eyes were puffy and red, they looked inflamed as if she dipped her head into rainwater, then hot sauce.

"Mom--"

"No, we'll finish up and--"

I wanted to make her feel bad for me. I didn't cheat because I had a perfectly good relationship. Sullivan made me feel trapped somedays, and Victor made me feel safe. That was the difference, I wanted to scream it. She made our dad have home, Sullivan always wanted to have sex and judge my body or what I did---there, I said it!

Fuck, I said it. In my head of course, but I thought about it.

I swallowed thickly as she was raising her arm for the waitress to come, but as the worker was approaching, I admitted, "he makes me do things and I'm pretty sure he spread my nudes to the school."

The waitress stood at the table, refusing to take the card from my mom's rigid fingers as she mused, "I'll give you guys one more minute!"

My mom lowered her hand. "What?" She became emotionless.

"It was somewhat consensual--well, all the things he asks for... in that subject." My cheeks were flush red. "But his comments are sometimes mean and they hurt, and I went to Victor because subconsciously I know he'll comfort me." I remarked, "Like this one time, Sullivan was persistent on doing things, and instead, I went to Victor who held me and let me sleep." I rambled, afraid that I was over-exaggerating and making a big deal of nothing. Sullivan would never intentionally hurt me, but I was so scared in that moment, seeing as my mom went through the phases of thinking she lost her daughter to the one man who hurt her most. "Sullivan is a great guy, but he doesn't know that he hurts me. Victor always makes sure I'm okay though."

I sighed and finished, "I didn't cheat because I wanted to jeopardize a perfect relationship, I just wanted..." My voice trailed. "Well, I don't know what I wanted."

She scratched her head. "You've slept with both of them, haven't you?"

I cringed, hating this conversation, and especially in a public setting, but she was my mom. "Not exactly?"

My mother froze, shaking her head, assuring herself, "you're seventeen, going to be eighteen this year. I have to start understanding that you know what you're doing."

"But that's the thing!" I exclaimed, lowering my voice after catching stares. "I really don't."

"It sounds to me like you want Victor." Her voice was opening wounds that didn't need to be opened, the thought made my stomach churn. Flashbacks of our argument coming back to haunt me, he was practically begging me to tell him the truth, and I knew I wasn't going to get another chance like that.

He's moved on.

I forced a tight smile. "We don't always get what we want, do we?"

♡♡♡

"Did you see my nudes?" I asked him abruptly.

His body shook with laughter and he combed a hand through his brunette locks, skimming his eyes over me. "Whatcha gonna do about it?"

"Give it up," I deadpanned. I looked at each of them. From Wolfie, to Sam, to Amanda. The pain in my chest grew harder. "Did you?"

"Yeah, what are you going to do about it?" Wolfie repeated with a raspy undertone. He was leaning closer to me, his eyes brushing over my yellow tube tank and black ripped jeans.

I groaned and shook my head. "Which one? What did it look like?"

This was the true test.

Wolfie squinted, but Sam belted out, "you fucking tease! How many do you send?" His eyes were wide and exposing a disgusting side of him when he popped his head over the table and looked up my body.

I glanced at Amanda, but she was just toying with a utensil, her fingers playing with the tool and stabbing into her blue bowl of salad, refusing to look at me as her boyfriend relentlessly teased me.

He urged, "I'll tell you, if only you give me a favor."

"Look," I deadpanned. "I am not smart enough to do your homework, so if that's what you're asking--"

Sam's voice cut me off. "Don't act innocent now. You lost the right to that facade when someone leaked your nudes," Sam explained. "You listen to Wolfie. You heard what he said, you aren't deaf! Go on, Wolfie, you tell her!" he amped, making my head shoot to the brunette.

Wolfie returned a lopsided grimace to Sam. "Give me a few more photos and we'll talk."

My breath stopped. Why am I thinking about this? It should be no. A simple no. But I needed to know what photo, it didn't help that both Sullivan and Victor had two different photos.

I knew I shouldn't have sent that one to Victor, but he liked it so much.

"Come on, Baby. Two photos. You could take them now? I'll help," Wolfie pressed, his smile gentle and persuasive. I hesitantly looked in the direction of the bathroom. I really didn't want to.

"You were in the woods," Amanda said, making her boyfriend slap the table, catching her attention. "Oh, shut up." She looked at me. "You were shirtless and didn't look happy."

I sighed of relief, then remembrance. I gave her a broad smile. "There's not enough thank you's in the world."

She winked. "Girls support girls."

Wolfie and Sam were arguing as I muttered a quick 'good luck' then hurried to the far end of the cafeteria where Victor sat. He was sitting with Jay, Penelope, Olivia, Rowan, and Kayla. He looked so happy, enjoying his lunch, when I stamped my hands to the table.

"You beat up Sullivan for leaking that photo, didn't you?" My heart raced, and I didn't know what overcame me. Their conversations dimmed as Victor met my eyes. Something inside of them were sad, but that didn't stop my body from reacting in almost a simultaneous way.

I missed his eyes on me.

He nodded curtly, but just as he opened his mouth to say something, I zippered to the opposite end of the cafeteria and went right up to Sullivan who sat across the guy I kissed, Gonzalo.

I slapped Sullivan and when he flung his head, protecting his cheek, he met my eyes, as did everyone else. I swallowed, steadying my lungs before he stood screaming, "what the fuck was that for?"

"Oh, please!" I laughed maniacally. "Victor didn't give you half of what you deserve. I told you not to take a picture and then I asked you the simplest thing--don't send it--"

"Is that what this is about?" He was outraged, his eyes narrowed on me. "You are fucking unbelievable, it was a mistake."

"Then apologize."

"I'm sorry!" He threw his hands up, sarcastically crying, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" The apologies turned to mockery.

Tears pricked my eyes and I couldn't control it when he took a step closer in my face. "You fucking do that again and it won't just be a nude that I leak, is that understood?"

"Yes." He nodded, proud of himself, sitting down and flicking his hand towards me. I leaned in and he pressed his lips to mine, kissing my neck. The cafeteria was so quiet as I pulled away. "I'm sorry."

He nodded, but didn't say anything and started up another conversation with a frightened Gonzalo who looked a tad worried for me. I ignored the stares, even Wolfie and Sam looked scared, but I refused to look at Victor. I walked out of the cafeteria doors and that's when the water gates opened.

I shouldn't have resulted to violence.

My back fell to the tiles and I slid down, knees to my chest. I don't feel like a badass bitch at all, I felt weak, vulnerable--the girlfriend, my father's daughter, the innocent girl that has nudes, and such a violent person. I felt disgusted with myself and wanted to be back in Victor's arms at the fireplace of the Moose Hotel, but I knew no matter how rigidly I closed the lukewarm tears into my eyes, they would fall and roll over my cheek effortlessly anyway.

The cafeteria doors opened and I shielded my eyes from the sight, but her voice brought me safety. "There are three classes of men; lovers of wisdom, lovers of honor, and lovers of gain," she recited from Plato. It was from our English project when we worked on it, I asked her what she thought of it, and she said 'too close to your life.'

I looked up at her. "I'm going to prom with him. I'll find things to love about him."

She recited again from Lecrae Moore, "If you live for people's acceptance, you'll die from their rejection." She took a few steps closer then sat down. "You'll realize eventually, that you denied some really nice guy---"

I slapped her forearm then rested my head on her shoulder weakly. "Who are you going to prom with?"

"Don't freak out." She bit her lip and I helplessly looked up. She was going to say his name, I had a feeling she would, and I had to tell myself I wouldn't be upset about it--- "Gonzalo." She groaned, throwing her head back. "Could you tell I was desperate?"

"You gotta stop going for my trash," I remarked, but I was only joking, she even found the situation funny.

"Oh, come on, it was one kiss you two had." She rolled her eyes.

"Hey, you never know. At this rate, I might as well just date Sam." Yep, even saying his name felt weight on my tongue in the context of dating him.

Kayla hysterically laughed and shook her head. My brain getting jostled with the rifles of chuckles that impulsed her shoulder. "I might just kill you before you do, put you out of your misery." Her voice was still tainted with nostalgia and this friendship we used to possess.

Whatever happened to us?

I lifted my head. "You know how romance novels always made you want to ditch school with the bad boy?" I questioned excitedly, a smile expanding on my lips.

She raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Well..." I began, "I'm the bad boy now. I slapped my crush and I almost started a riot--"

"You did not--"

"I got arrested and---"

"You did what?" she freaked.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" I grabbed her hand and threw ourselves off the ground. We were sprinting down the hall, our chuckles bouncing every which way, her questions piercing my ear. "Oh, come on! Let's choose us for once!" I begged, stepping back from the doors. "They lock these sometimes."

I stepped back, telling her to be careful before I charged full speed at the black doors and slammed my shoulder into it. I groaned, shaking it off before leaping up and kicking it.

I looked up to the glass panes by the ceiling. "Shit, we might have to climb through the window. I'll need you to give me a leg up--" I pivoted around and saw that she was in the doorway, holding it open for me.

"Or we could just pull it open. It's not a push--"

"Smartass," I jested under my breath as she shoved me.

"Shit, my keys are in my backpack and I left that in the cafeteria!" She cursed under her breath but I grabbed my keys from my pocket and swiveled them around my index finger. She gaped out, "you didn't? You were afraid of cars, you said you would never drive---"

I giggled profusely. "Well, look who's all grown up, now?" I was squealing excitedly as I dashed to the Honda and pulled open the door. She did the same on the passenger side and I blasted our favorite One Direction song, "Through the Darkness"

Of course, we started off with "The Best Song Ever" and replayed the whole beginning of the music video, with her terrible Leroy impression, her high pitched, "Hi, Boys!" and my even worse, Marcel impression; "Cute as a button, every single one of you."

However when 'She's Not Afraid' started, we screamed the lyrics. The song vibrated the car with each pound from the bass. The windows were wide open as we screamed at the top of our lungs, the song clenching our hearts and our minds as we focused on the sifting breeze blowing into the car, cooling our faces.

My foot hovered over the break when we parked. She looked at me like I was crazy as I turned the dial of the radio even louder. It escaped every opening of the car as I popped open the door, my ears beginning to hurt as she did the same on the opposing side. I grabbed her hands and we slowed as the song did, then danced in the beach parking lot. The waves were in the distance,  barely moving, since it was the closest beach--not even a beach, nonetheless the sandy smell was in the air, and in our lungs.

We were dying of laughter, pretending to break dance and spin. No one was in the parking lot, but One Direction and Kayla and I. The chorus made us belt the lyrics louder. Something about the loud music that sang through the small speakers through a time like this was almost heartwarming and made me feel not alone. Everything disappeared to the back of my mind and we jumped in front of the Honda, both doors wide open, allowing for an overwhelming flood of music to pour through the doors.

And maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all, as long as I listened to Victor's advice,

"He's just as stupid as the next guy and no one will ever be good enough for you." And of course he had to have added, "I am far, far, far from ever being good enough for you and I will let you know that every day." I had to promise him that much, despite our lack of communication at the moment, that no matter what day of the week it is, or how far in the year it will be, I'll know my worth... for Vicky, always.

x