43 | 𝐻𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑖𝑒𝑟, 𝐼 𝐺𝑢𝑒𝑠𝑠

I should know by now that when things are starting to look good, it doesn't last long. I thought that I had things under control, but who would've guessed that my feelings would throw everything off balance.

My feelings for Sullivan were starting to become reciprocated and I was beginning to gain knowledge from Victor that I could use. Having him do things to me meant that when I'd do them with Sullivan, I'd look like the experienced one.

However, when I walked into school that day, it was anything but normal. The atmosphere felt shifted, and as I walked down the halls, voices seemed lower than usual. People were still getting to class and we were learning the same boring things as the day prior, but I felt this wavering feeling in my gut become harder and more rigid in my chest as if it couldn't move.

I could be having a heart attack. That is very possible. With reluctance to admit, I wasn't, but it was the prolonged inevitably of Victor ever becoming aware of what I'd done, or more importantly what Sullivan did, specifically about the picture of me in the woods. I didn't know why I didn't share the news with him, but I think it was because deep down, I knew it myself, it was sort of wrong.

There before my eyes, outside of the math classroom, I saw Sullivan pinned up against the navy blue metal locker banks with Victor in his face, pummeling Sullivan's face over and over again.

Tears pricked my eyes, my skin was reddened with fear and my pointless words were thrown out into the air, in hope that someone would catch them. I'd finally neared, prying Victor off, but his eyes were more menacing and darker than they'd been in San Francisco. His cheeks were flared and his body was tense, there was no turning him back from the devouring look in his eyes. Sullivan took each punch, mainly since his limbs had become weak as they continuously thundered against the metal, rippling the cubbies in continuous reverberations.

I was screaming now, ignoring the crowd that had formed with phone flashlights lighting my face and revealing the streaks of tears. Just as I was trying to peel Victor's body off of Sullivan's, they were propelled to the ground by their own violence and Victor was on top of Sullivan, giving himself an advantage.

Hands latched onto my body, removing me from the scene as I helplessly cried for someone to answer me, but my heart was stuck in that fight, my body had long disappeared around the hallway. People's chants and screams of euphoria and fright emptied the building as I sobbed into someone's arms.

What came over me was an indescribable feeling. Victor's opinion mattered to me, and despite knowing his hatred for Sullivan, I was wearisome and filled with an overflowing amount of pathetic empathy. I was too tired to move a muscle back to the scene as I heard the principal's radioactive voice penetrate the building.

When I separated from the person, my words were mumbles and slobbery attempts at speaking. I was hiccuping and throwing my hands up, but I couldn't even think, until I pulled myself together once the bell rang and sighed in completion. My face still stiff and terribly dry, the wet remembrance of tears on my waterline, now itchy and irritated.

"Sorry," I murmured, "but thanks. I don't know what I was doing trying to stop that fight," I joke.

Kayla nodded slowly in agreement, softening her laugh. "Yeah, but it was worth a try. I think you could've done it eventually, but nothing's stopping Vislocky when he gets in that zone." Her voice was equally just as tired and her eyes were lowered to the multi-colored tiled flooring.

The hallway lights had to have dimmed, or it was just dark in the building at that moment. Of course, with the additive of the cold chill on the second floor.

Kayla urged me with her hand to the hallway extending from where we were. It was a white tiled bridge atop the courtyard. The walls were all made of protective and sturdy glass, and the bridge was wide enough like any other school hallway. To the opposing side, it was the normal enclosed hallway, but for a moment, Kayla and I stood on the glass bridge, viewing the grass and pink flowers underneath.

"You know," she started, "My parents are getting a divorce."

"Really?" I egged on, then quieted myself. "I'm happy for you, I remember you saying that you've always dreamt of that."

"Yeah." She met the glass again and saw all corners of the exterior of Fox Point High which had fox decorated banners and orange decor. "I am. Which is why what happened with Sullivan was completely me having a mental breakdown. I knew what I was doing, and yet I didn't. It was a weird feeling."

"I'm not forgiving you for anything you did," I said, bowing my head shamefully and feeling childish.

"Oh." She exhaled with pent up words leaving her. "Okay."

"But I think we could be okay-friends again," I explained. "Having enemies is exhausting, and I'm going to try this whole thing where I am more stable, controlled, and... open-minded."

"You were always pretty good with the open-mindness," she admitted, looking around to behind her where a series of windows wrapped around the building. "But thank you, I promise that I will support you no matter what you decide with this whole friend-and-Sullivan thing."

"Thanks. I mean, we swore to ourselves we'd never let a boy get between us." I rolled my head around to her. "This whole thing was so screwed up."

"Let's just refresh a little?" she offered, holding out her hand. "It'll make presenting in front of an English classroom a lot easier."

"It just might." I outstretched my hand and we shook. I never forgave her, and I don't think I will completely forgive all the shit we went through, but I knew something, and that was I could never just block her out of my life. I had to accept things will never be the same, and our futures will never be as intertwined as we'd dreamt, but we'll always be there for one another; I knew that much.

Later that evening in school, I distanced myself and lo' and behold, I found him. It wasn't totally like his text had a detailed description of where he was located (sarcasm). Sullivan texted me telling me he was outside of the building and I just ditched at that point. I'd already skipped half a class talking to Kayla, and then I went to the bathroom and regrouped, then the nurse, and then the nurse again, I just couldn't do school that day.

"Hey," I greeted. He was a mess, his body conformed to the stone, concrete bench outside of Fox Point High. His hair was messy and dry blood was on him, his face was scraped and black and blue, tiny red slices decorated his temples and cheekbones. His whole left eye was swollen with a galaxy bruise, the only thing I could do was crouch in front of him, placing my hand on his thigh. "Why would Victor do this?"

I hate Victor for this.

"I don't know," Sullivan vouched. "He came up at me for no Goddamn reason, saying shit like you put him up to doing it, saying that I'm treating you horribly-----just, get away from me." Sullivan leapt from the bench, staggering towards his car.

"You are in no condition to drive," I told him, but swiftly walked around to his front and said, "Liv, you are my first ever boyfriend and I..." My breath hitched. "I've never felt so strongly for someone in my life. Please," I begged, reaching out and taking his hand in mine. "Please believe me, I never said those things."

Sullivan shook his head stiffly. "Azariah, I care about you, but I don't want him around you anymore, that or we're gonna have to breakup--"

"Fine," I gave in with one breath. "You don't want Victor around me? Then he's gone. But please stay." I started to tug him gently closer, hopeful to not hurt him. "I would never say anything bad about you." I meant it with all my heart, it was coiled in my chest and I felt it spiral to my throat as tears dotted my eyes again. "Please, Sullivan."

He looked away to the parking lot. "Fine," he muttered. "Let's go back to my house."

"Okay," I beamed, leading him the way with my hands on him. I watched as he walked over to the driver's side and I was almost going to suggest I could, but the illegalness of it all, plus my lack of experience on the highway, it was almost impossible we'd make it out of there alive.

When we arrived at his house later, I noticed the numerous messages from Victor. I was standing in the kitchen as Sullivan served me a drink and planted a bag of frozen green beans on the counter for his eye. "Who is that?" He gestured to my phone.

Before I could open my mouth, he plucked it out of my grasp and let me stare in awe at my hands' mold for the device. Nonetheless, he surveyed the screen, his daggering eyes looking up to mine. They weren't the gorgeous and lovable green eyes that admired when they were encircled with blotchy red and purpleness.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He started scrolling through the texts I hadn't read yet. "I'm blocking him for you." He motioned for his face. "Look what he fucking did to me!"

"I know." I slid onto the bar stool. "Go ahead, block him."

I wanted to hear Victor's side though.

He swiped my phone over the granite counter and I held the device like it was a glass served at a bar. He was shaking his head frustratingly. "He had no right! Do you hear me?"

"I know," I muttered.

"He's wrong for you. I can't believe you let him use you like that. I mean, come on, you're better than that," he scowled down, resting the plastic bag on his eye to decrease the swelling.

For a moment I believed him. Victor had been using me. The whole practice purpose thing really became an excuse to be a casual sex-thing with him when he should've just been helping me. I nodded along with him as Sullivan went on. Though, I wonder how Sullivan would react if he'd known that Victor was the only reason why I became Sullivan's girlfriend. Nevertheless, I bit my lip when he slid off his t-shirt and revealed his lean muscles.

He situated his shirt on the counter and I noticed the bruises complimenting his pale complexion. "How about this," he started lowly, walking over to me, placing the plastic bag of green beans down on the counter. "Make me feel better?" he offered, a small pout on his lips.

I hesitated, I wasn't in the mood to do anything. I didn't feel like moving my mouth or using up all that energy and instead stood, drawing my arms over his shoulders and neck. "How about... we drink a little?"

"Sounds good to me." He retrieved a case of spiked seltzers, breaking them open and passing me one. He cracked his open, pouring two of them into a glass.

"Could I have two also?" I wondered shyly, gesturing to what he was doing with the seltzers.

He laughed. "I don't think you can handle your alcohol and I don't want you puking all over my house." He rifled with laughter, pouring the liquid, but before he could say anything, I swiped the half-filled can he had and downed most of it. He grabbed my arms and shoved me away from the counter. I was laughing hysterically, only teasing him, but when I saw his eyes, they were darker and puffier, and he used his height against me.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" he charged.

"I was only kidd--"

"Don't do that again, do you understand me?" he deadpanned, crossing his eyes on me. I nodded shyly and he slumped his shoulders. "I'm just having a rough day, and I need a little distraction. My parents are away on a business trip and after that behavior, I mean, how much of a bad girlfriend could you be? Getting your ex friend after me," he was laughing now, prompting his body up against the sofa, leaning against the arm. "Please, Aza."

"Don't call me that."

"What?" He scoffed louder this time, overlapping his arms firmly over his chest. "Did Vislocky take that name too?"

"My dad."

He was silenced, but slowly deviated me away from standing in the center. "It's okay. My parents were never around that much either."

I nodded and walked over to him, kissing his lips softly.

♡♡♡

I wasn't drunk, not enough to consider this a drunken mistake. I was grabbing fistfuls of the sheet and he was buried inside of me, his small length poking and jabbing me, his hands forcing me into place. I tilted my head back and squeezed my eyes shut. For some odd reason, my only comfort was thinking of Victor and I really wanted to be consumed by the thought that my crush was taking my virginity, even if he didn't know it.

Within seconds this warm spreading something swiftly emptied into me with each throaty groan that he made. He was panting heavily before throwing himself to the side of the bed. He didn't even ask if I came, but that was okay, I was glad he did. He didn't like the idea of wearing a condom, but I trusted him. And lastly, I was relieved. Everything was okay, not as pleasurable as I would've wanted, but the hard part was over with. I knew deep down, Sullivan didn't want to do this until he was entirely ready and this demonstrated, whilst inside the ash gray walls of the guest bedroom that he was completely head over heels for me.

He wanted to do that with me. It felt incredibly surreal, and I settled into the comforters, my lower area in a lot of pain, but that was normal. The throbbing sensation wasn't deprived of pleasure, but from his forceful, and propelling thrusts that made something inside of me feel sore and... I knew he knew, but I was bleeding. Though he didn't press any further on the subject.

I stood from his bed, limping to the bathroom before slamming my body to the toilet seat cover and released streams of tears. I was in pain, that was all. Physical pain that wouldn't go away and worsened every time I moved or shifted. I tilted my head back, curling my fists in my palm. I loved it, but I hated it. I was torn and I just wanted a hug, but by the sounds of Sullivan's snores, I imagined he went to bed already.

I wondered what Victor was doing? If he was head deep into his phone waiting for my texts--no, he must've seen that they didn't say 'delivered' beneath, that or he must've given up and went to bed like Sullivan had. He might've been nursing his wounds or trying to find his brother, or already forgetting about me.

I made my choice, and he has every right to make his.

I ambled to the kitchen, grabbing some ice, since there was no point in looking for a heating pad. I couldn't find ice packs so I took the green beans that Sullivan previously used. I put the vegetable bag on my lower area atop my undergarments. After the soreness mellowed, I grabbed my leggings and walked out of the house. I left a note for Sullivan to read, saying how I just wasn't feeling well, but I enjoyed myself, which was true. Everybody experienced it like that, and Victor would've done the same--no, Azariah, no more Victor. You made a promise to Sullivan.

I walked down the driveway, but eventually my abdomen cramped and felt too heavy and I sat down on the concrete in the middle of the night. It was pitch black, nothing but my phone flashlight with a low battery to keep me going. After a while of waiting for no reason, I used the low percentage to get me through to the one call I needed to make.

There was no other person that I wanted more. I needed their hug, I needed their smile, and I needed their voice to assure me.

I waited until they arrived and the familiar car pulled up.

She drove up his driveway, got out instantly and hugged me. "Don't worry, sweetheart," she told me soothingly into my hair. Hr embrace was that typical mother hold that encapsulated me in security and made me feel okay even when the whole word was falling apart around me. I didn't know why.

I guess I always saw myself happier, especially when I was with my mom.

Eventually we drove off under street lamps, guiding us home. She lurked into the driveway, not saying a word. I walked inside, greeted Moose, then went up to bed. It was normal by then, going into my bedroom with exhaustion on my shoulders. Luckily for me, my headboard wasn't in the way and I could just easily plop onto my bed.

That made me happier, I guess.

♡♡♡

"She isn't getting up on her own," Jay chided, crossing his arms.

"Come on!" Keiona exclaimed, clapping her hands, allowing the sharp smack of annunciation to uplift me, but all it did was make me bury my head further into the pillow. "You have a life ahead of you!"

"And you're missing school work which we will help you with," Jay advised, lowering his tone and approaching me. "Come on, and get your ass up. We have a life to live. There's so much going on in the world!"

"Unless it ends, don't disturb me," I gruffled into the pillow. "I'm done with the world. I'm no longer a virgin, now that it's off my bucket list, I'm a free woman that can rest in peace," I described for them, tugging the comforters higher up over my shoulder blades as I laid over my stomach.

With a forceful tug, Keiona launched the covers to the end of the bed. "Girl, you gotta get up! You have a project, and things to do--"

"Forget it all!" I swiveled around in my bed and faced them. "I don't want to do this anymore, any of it. I feel... like a horrible girlfriend and friend."

"Sullivan will get over it," Keiona brushed off, but I was already shaking my head before she could continue. She'd seated herself by my feet, resting her hand near the paper plate that I left there from my previous dinner. It was only until they showed up unexpectedly that it occurred to me how I've been calling in sick to school for days.

"That's not it! I haven't talked to Victor--"

"You think we don't know that?" Jay scolded, rolling his head in an exaggerated manner. "Believe me, he's contacted us numerous times." He released a prolonged sigh, as if nothing he could say would work, because it didn't. My heart felt slightly airier knowing that he tried getting in touch with me, but I held up my hand.

"It doesn't matter," I said.

Keiona squinted. "But you literally just said it was. You called yourself a terrible friend?" she recalled with a somberness to her voice.

"Yeah, I'm a terrible friend, but I can't do that with him anymore. You know that he likes me, right?" I egged on. "He was kind of saying that, but I'm with Sullivan and my boyfriend is right, me hanging out with a guy who's made it adamant that he likes me isn't a good idea," I described, my eyes looking between them. I knew I looked like a mess. My hair was displayed like a bird's nest and my eyes were heavy with brown bags, not for anything, but my outfit was screaming that I'd been in my bedroom for weeks when it was only a few days, four at maximum.

Keiona tilted her head, giving in partially. "Yeah, but--"

"That's it. I'm not talking to Victor anymore." I clamped my hands together, closing my eyes briefly to remember making a promise to him, but boyfriends come first. That was 101, basic knowledge and common sense. What I did was wrong, and I will tell Sullivan about it eventually.

"Look, I'm not in the mood to talk." I lifted my body out of the covers and started for my corkboard. "I'm starting fresh." I unclipped the newspaper and the polaroid picture.

"Did you ever give him the bobbleheads?" Keiona asked, her voice shallow.

"No, and I'm glad I didn't, I could always return them," I explained. "I'm a girlfriend, guys," I defended, noticing their shocked expression. I crumbled the items in my fist and tossed them in the trash bin. "I have to start acting like a proper one."

"Proper?" Jay refuted. "We're not in the 1800s!" He threw himself off the bed, following Keiona who charged to the trash bin, but I stopped her, stepping in between them.

"No, this is over. If you can't accept the fact that I am dating Sullivan then get the hell out," I barked at them, pointing to the door. "I'm dating Sullivan and you aren't happy for me."

"We are," Keiona tried, but I shook it off, pivoting to my desk and leaning over it. Something in me was filling my veins in something that I couldn't control, when the words started, they wouldn't stop and I became overwhelmed.

"Go, I mean it. I need to be alone, so go, please," I said again, and this time, I heard them shuffle out of the door and whisk out of the house, my bedroom door sealing between them. I sighed in what I thought was relief, but tear after tear rolled over my cheek.

I wanted Sullivan, I've always wanted Sullivan and I wasn't going to stop till him and I were in love, and I wasn't delusional. Victor helped me get to where I needed, and there was nothing stopping me from telling Sullivan I love him. In fact, I was ready for it, as was Sullivan, especially after he demonstrated his love for me while taking something that I saved just for him. We were the perfect couple of Fox Point High and not even my ex best friend Victor could prove otherwise. I was determined, more than that, I was in control of my life finally.

I wasn't going to mess up the one thing in my life that was good.

x