33 | 𝑁𝑜 𝐺𝑖𝑟𝑙'𝑠 𝐴𝑙𝑙𝑜𝑤𝑒𝑑

2019, seventeen years old, a soon to be adult with so much ahead and I had everything I could want. A crush who could actually reciprocate my feelings, Keiona and Jay--my two best friends, a school club, good grades, and was about to demonstrate a presentation that Sullivan and I were doing, yet I felt off.

"Makeup isn't gonna make a smile," Keiona voiced behind me. "Come on, you look beautiful. What are you so worried about?" she inquired. Her arms drooped over my shoulders from behind. "This is about Victor, isn't it?"

"I mean..." I started sheepishly. "It isn't not about Victor."

"Girl," she began sympathetically, "you gotta loosen up."

I writhed out of her grip and pivoted to face her. "I don't know, it's like a coach who trained me for the moment of winning the race, but the second that I make it to the finish line, he just... disappeared. Do I still win if the one person who got me to win isn't there?" I retorted with outstretched arms.

"Yes!" She sighed heavily. "Riyah, you are aware that you aren't dating Sullivan yet, not to mention that Victor only needs a break. No where in there did he say you guys couldn't be friends again." She flattened my hair out before leaning over me and grabbing at an eyeshadow palette and brush set, beckoning her head for me to sit, which I did.

"I don't know," I crooned, propping myself on my bar stool next to my vanity. "You should've heard him." Nonetheless, he still decidedly ignored me the whole way back after cutting the trip short, and even after my texts, still hadn't responded. It was bothering me, worse than when I was invisible to Sullivan and that was saying something, but I didn't know why exactly... maybe we're just good friends.

"Yeah, I bet he sounded pissed off, confused, and hurt, I'd be too," Keiona rambled. "Now, close your eyes." She motioned to my expression as I weakly fluttered my eyes closed for her to darken the pigment. "He's figuring things out." She started to dust the brush over my eyelid before she wondered, "will I ever know what exactly he's trying to figure out?"

"Just..." My voice cut off. "Things about his past."

"Exactly though." Keiona started to maneuver to the left eye, dusting the brush more fluidly as she added, "you being involved is saying something. How was your Christmas?" I was startled by the change of topic so quickly, but nodded. Without warning, she scolded, "don't move."

When I opened my eyes and looked in the mirror, I smiled faintly, the plum color popped on my mouth, my eyes smoky brown with gold and pink sparkles near the corner. I looked alright.

As if reading my thoughts, she corrected, "you look beautiful." She crouched down to stare at my reflection in the mirror from my level. "And Sullivan, Victor, and whoever else, Jay for Christ sakes, they will all love it." She giggled, making me spin in the chair and push her playfully away.

"What about you?"

"What about me?" She still had a grin on her face as she spoke.

I rolled my eyes, distancing and towards my bag left on my bed with minuscule items sprawled, and unfortunately, a gum wrapper from San Francisco, some peanut bags from the plane ride, and of course... a polaroid photo.

~~

"Victor!" I whisper-yelled, throwing my head one way then the other, but the hotel was a maze of discoveries. I'd just about become out of breath from jogging up two flights of stairs and still missing him. "Vicky!"

I hurried to the banister outlining the second floor and peered over to the first floor below. The chandelier sparkled a disco of tiny specks of lights and I admired the maroon rug with brass detailing. I neared the staircase and rested my hand on the banister, slowly creeping down the stairs, hearing what sounded like my voice. It was muted, but my laughter was sharp and the sound of his chortles met mine.

When I rounded the staircase, I noticed Victor sprawled along the velvet sofa with a night table and lamp glowing orange across his face, revealing the smile on his lips as he stared down at the phone.

I approached him, and he looked up to my eyes, the video still playing in the background. I remembered the video he was adamant on filming.We were on the ferry to Alcatraz Island and couldn't stop laughing. We were playing games like Ispy, and guessing passing by stranger's lives casually. I couldn't help but grin when I wormed onto the sofa next to him.

My head instantly fell into the groove of his neck and my body melted onto him instinctually. He radiated warmth and felt cozy, but I think that was because of the position I was in. I felt incredibly flustered--or just overwhelmed when he wrapped his arm around me. Christmas lights decorated the walls and the widest tree in the corner had presents situated beneath it, soon-to-be donated to charity. The ornaments were all handmade, but I noticed a table beside it, catching my attention immediately.

"You okay?" he wondered nonchalantly, scrolling to another video as our voices fluttered through the air again.

"Am I good at cuddling or am I crushing you?" My big eyes panned up to him, but he only laughed softly and his fingertips drifted over me again.

"Y'know, I don't have to teach you everything," he began, "Some things, you are just naturally good at." The video he watched was a two second clip of my obnoxious laughter, but I noticed it made his smile grow a bit wider. He went to the next video, but I bobbed up out of his arm.

"Can we make ornaments? Come on, we did nothing Christmassy yet--"

"Speaking of, I am Jewish," he noted, but I tugged on his arm and he reluctantly drew off the couch. We neared the rectangular table with seats by the edge, and buckets of markers and popsicles sticks splattering the tables. Suddenly, he propped his phone up and began to play a series of Christmas songs along with the popular hits.

We quietly decorated the spherical blank ornaments, mine becoming glittered with red and silver sparkles and the writing 'San Francisco 2018' as I peered over to his blue and white snowflake, with a bit of gold along the edges.

"The Hanukkah colors, I like it."

He chuckled, leaning back to study his craft. "Why thank you," he mused, noticing 'Rockin Around the Christmas Tree' began to play. He leapt off the chair and grabbed my hand, spinning me under the arch of his arm and twirling me into his chest.

"I didn't take you to be such a Christmas song man," I concluded, as we swept around the floor under the chandelier and Christmas lights aimlessly.

"I'm of man of surprises, what can I say?" he asked with staggered breathing. The white and blue colors sprawled across our complexions while we spun in endless circles. As the song was reaching the end, he dipped me.

"Oh, how romantic," I teased as we raised me back onto my feet and we started to the buffet table of crafts.

"Hey--" A voice came from behind. "Mind if I take your picture?" A woman wondered, motioning to the polaroid camera in her hand. "It's not often we get nights like these."

Victor nodded, saying, "Yeah. Why not?" He pivoted around and grabbed his ornament as I did the same, craning our backs to face the camera as the ginger haired woman snapped the photo and a bright flash shined in our eyes. Within seconds the blank laminate photo slid out of the camera. She started to wave it in the air and colors began to bleed through.

She handed it to us with a smile and wished us a happy holiday before Victor fanned the photo a little more.

"I have to say..." I started. "This might be one of the best holidays I've had."

"Rhy--" He sounded as if he were debating to laugh or scold me, but he chose a mixture of both. "Whether you like to think about it or not, I'm so happy that you wanted to spend your Christmas with me."

I opened my mouth to respond, but he snagged my hand and grabbed a red marker, separating my fingers for only my index finger to be in view. He swiftly painted my fingertip in the red ink with my useless attempts in his ear. He then prodded my finger into the polaroid picture frame as our faces were appearing. He stamped it before removing my hand and grabbing a green-blue marker and doing the same to his index finger, dotting it next to mine so they were touching to form a heart.

Within seconds he wrote '12.23.18'

~~

"Riyah," Keiona murmured. "You're crying." She stood beside me and looked down at the polaroid picture. "Are you sure you want to go to this party?"

I sniffled, wiping under my eyes quickly and stuffing the polaroid back into my purse. "Yeah." I cleared my throat and said, "I'm seeing Liv anyway--"

"Holy shit, not with that damaged makeup. I knew I should've used the water proof mascara, but it always clumps," She approached the vanity and set her clutch aside. Quickly, she dabbed more concealer under my eyes which presumably were wet with mascara ink and lukewarm tears. I still couldn't get the image of him coldly yelling at me over something out of my control, then saying how he regretted me being there. I tried to sympathize and understand, but I was still hurt.

Am I really oblivious to everything? Living in a bubble? Do I not have any real problems?

I was jerked out of my thoughts when Keiona firmly gripped my shoulders. "We're going to have a good time, you hear me?" she urged. "It's New Years. New year, new us."

"Right," I agreed, but seeing her quirk her brow, I emphasized louder, "right!"

Later that evening, I darted down the stairs and hugged my mom, giving her a warm smile while we both overviewed her outfit. "You look great," I said, "sorry I couldn't go to Aunt Octavia's party."

"That's okay," she replied, thanking me for complimenting her before she spun towards me and gasped. "Riyah, is that a bodycon dress--"

"Got to go, Mom!" I called, running out of her bedroom. "I'll see you in the new year!"

"Azariah! You get in here!" she yelled, but her laughter was an indication that I was in no trouble, but I shouted one last 'see ya in the new year' and left with Keiona by my side. I spotted Jay's car at the curb.

"Ready for 2019?!" he chanted with Penny who was wearing a fitted red body con dress to match her lip.

"Oh, you know it, Babes!" Keiona assured, popping open the door and sliding in, gesturing for me to follow. I hesitated. "You didn't get cold feet already, now, did ya?"

"Nope, not yet." I chuckled as I slipped into the car's possession, sealing the door shut and melting into the back seat, wishing that we could drive past the inevitable party that for some odd reason, I was in no mood for. But that might've been just because it was flu season, I could be catching something... I couldn't be so lucky.

♡♡♡

I was three-no five, drinks in and nothing could relieve the throbbing sensation in my temple, continuously building with pressure like a helium balloon ready to burst. I tilted my chin down, but before I could process what was happening, he began to guide me.

Who? I couldn't tell you.

He was uttering something in my ear amidst the hardcore punk music which shook the walls and bounced back and forth and back again. I swayed to my slide, leaning slightly towards a figure's chest before someone else grabbed me in another direction. I went dizzy and everything was in slow motion as if each person was traced in their own blurry outline of disfigurement. I saw blondish brown hair and then black, and the lip ring.

Fuck.

Instead of going towards him for comfort or safety, I raised my hand and slapped him.

Be a badass bitch, just like he taught me, the son of a-- what was happening? And when did I become a violent drunk?

Suddenly, I felt really sick, nauseous even. My stomach curdled like expired milk and begged to ease up out of my throat and luckily before I knew it, I was head first into Sullivan's toilet with Jay by my side, rubbing circles on my back and holding my hair in a way so it wouldn't fall into the mess of my stomach within the bowl.

I lifted a hand and flushed, closing the lid as he let my hair fall back into place. He was on his knees and I was contorted up against the shower glass barricade.

"I feel so stupid," I groaned, hurling my head up with my hands flattened up against the curvature of my face. I could feel the faint sweat clot along my hairline and become solidified foundation.

"Well, yes, but at least the whole school thinks you're a psychopath," Jay uplifted, lowering onto the floor more comfortably across from me.

I removed my hands. "What are you talking about?"

"Vislocky was bitch-slapped," he exaggerated with short laughs. "I mean, I don't know the whole context between you two, but he got all angry and especially after trying to get you away from the high school perv--"

I interrupted, "what?" My voice felt hollow. "I thought..." I trailed off and was fixated on the thought of Victor helping me and the outcome of that. A wave of guilt fell over me and as I went to leap up. Jay blocked my view and shielded me from the bathroom door when I stood.

"Take it easy, Tiger. Vislocky already left with a girl and a blunt, calling it a night." He sighed and saw me relax. "Sullivan is still here?"

"Maybe I don't want to see him right now," I muttered shyly, my eyes flickering to the tile flooring. "I'm all out of sorts."

"I know that, which is why I'm opting to take you home--"

"No, how is Keiona gonna get a ride?" I interrogated, propping my hands on my hips.

"Easy." Jay pivoted to the door and opened it a crack, revealing the hoard of teenagers and their hair color being the only decipherment between each. "She's got her eyes on somebody."

"Rowan?" I questioned then smiled instinctually when I noticed their natural conversation on the first floor by the window overlooking the property. Despite the obvious height difference, they seemed to be happy as of that moment. "Jay?" I questioned, shooting towards him.

He didn't say anything, and I took the indication as a green light to speak. "Can you drive me to someone's house?"

"And lemme guess, your crush's house?" he teased, but I furrowed my brows in question because we were already in Sullivan's house, but then once it dawned on me that he was referring to Victor, I slapped his shoulder.

"Rude, and no, but I need a ride." After seeing his hesitation, I begged further, "please!"

"Riyah," he started in that lecturing tone of his. Jay looked out towards the party, the scanning of lights and surveyed Penny who was in the corner, her hands clutching the sides of her waist as she nursed a beer. "No, I'm taking you home."

"Why?" I pleaded, but he was already tugging me along the balcony before leading me downstairs. "You don't understand--"

"You're right," he stated, pivoting to look up to me from the stair below. "You're acting crazy right now and I think you're drunk off your ass. Now, I'm doing this for future you," he deadpanned. "I am not taking you to Victor's."

"You want to go to Vislocky's?" A voice came and suddenly my mouth felt incredibly dry and in need of a substance. I swallowed air and choked out any possible words. Sullivan looked absolutely beautiful and he was shouting over the music. "It's gonna be a new year in like ten minutes."

"Exactly!" I amplified, "Which is why I can't go home, Jay."

He looked to Sullivan with an untrustworthy glance as if he was repressing back his words, but instead, he breathed and said, "just keep an eye on her, but I am not driving you anywhere," he told me, as if he would only take me home and Victor's place was out of the options.

Sullivan nodded, confirming, "I'll watch over her."

My heart warmed at the thought, the feeling swelling and cuddling me like a hug. I felt appreciated by him, and my thoughts of Victor dissipated. I didn't know why I was stressing out anyway. If he didn't care, why should I?

"Here," he started after Jay left. "Lemme take you to my room. I could use a lil' space." He chuckled as he motioned for me to follow. My heart raced, my palms were clammy and my body felt claustrophobic in the body-con dress I was clad in. Suddenly my breath constricted in anticipation.

Was that code for... for it?

When we approached a mahogany door with a sign that said 'No Girls Allowed' he laughed and uttered, "I made it when I was like eight."

"Gotcha." I nodded my head, but squinted the second that he opened the door and relinquished a strong smell of body odor and stank. It smelt as if it was a hot steam room in a boys locker room, and I could feel my eyes begin to water.

He chuckled as he grabbed at a cologne by his night table and sprayed it three times which only layered the sweaty stank in vanilla. I cringed, but forced a tight-lipped grimace in hopes that if I was to open my mouth, it wouldn't reach my tastebuds. The fermented odor repelled off sweaty socks, melting on his floor and the clumps of dirty laundry that we had to walk over to reach his paper plate littered bed with crumbs.

"Don't mind the mess. I haven't cleaned in a while."

"In a while?" After seeing his confusion, I just ceased my chortles. Despite the clutter, his room looked huge, there was a small sofa at the far end but it was covered in clothes and homework, then there was a TV and coffee table with a balcony, veiled by glass sliding doors and curtains.

"Here, wanna sit on my bed or the couch?" He waved his hand between either, but I was already making my way to his bed. I plucked off the plates, shifting them towards the middle as I sat the furthest on the edge. "You can get comfortable," he offered.

"Yep." I scooted closer to the wall, but barely an inch.

"Look," he started, flicking on the TV that was tilted for the bed to see. The news played and it overlooked the crowd. The ball was at the top, slowly maneuvering on a downwards descent. "I've been meaning to apologize."

"Apologize?" I shot him a look.

"I'm sorry for not noticing you before, for ignoring you, and most of all, commenting on your weight, that was wrong me--"

"Are you kidding?" I laughed, shifting my body towards him, my leg brushing up on his own. "I didn't mind."

"Good," was all he said as it clocked down to three minutes. "You're gorgeous, Riyah and um... well..." He started to wipe his mouth, studying the flooring as he heard the distant party collide with his door. People walked and trampled down the stairs. Everyone was shouting it was almost time. Anticipation and anxiety heated within me and I drew even closer to him.

"Yeah? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he murmured. "Listen, you and Vislocky? I have to know... Is anything going on between you two?" He looked at me now with something in his eyes that intrigued me.

"No--" My breath lodged in my throat until I released it with a string of words, "nothing is happening. Believe me." With something stronger in me, I overlapped my leg over his thigh, straddling him and seeing his expression morph into lust.

Be a badass bitch, Azariah.

"I want you, Liv."

Ten. Nine. Eight.

His hands drifted over my waist, tightening their grip and clutching me on top of him to close the small bit of space between us. He raised himself and shifted my body to his torso.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

Do I? No, really... do I?

"Yes." My heart was up in my throat and the background chants beyond the door were in my ear.

Three. Two.

I leaned in and planted my lips on his.

One.

New year; new me.

♡♡♡

"Where are you?" Jay charged into the phone. "I tried finding you last night and you weren't--"

I sighed, biting my lip and fighting to keep the phone in my clammy grasp. "Right now? Doing the walk of shame."

x