15. Lies

"Hayden." Amanda spoke quietly as she looked at her girlfriend do her homework.

"Hm." Hayden hummed without looking up from her homework.

"Hayden." This time Amanda spoke a little loud which made Hayden look up and she saw Amanda frown at her. "I'm sorry. What?"

"I've got something to tell you." Amanda spoke with a sigh as Hayden now had all her attention on her girlfriend.

"What is it?" Hayden asked and Amanda sighed heavily before she bowed her head down.

"Come on, you can tell me anything." Hayden went over to Amanda, who was sitting on Hayden's bed, and placed her hand on Amanda's.

Amanda looked up at Hayden with teary eyes and Hayden couldn't help but to wipe them away. "Why are you crying? Did someone hurt you? If someone did, I'm gonna-"

Hayden was cut off by Amanda's small laughter, which made Hayden smile as well.

"You look better with a smile." Hayden spoke which made Amanda blush, "Now tell me, why are you crying?"

Amanda contemplated if she should tell Hayden or not and, in the end, she decided on not telling Hayden about moving away.

"It's nothing." Amanda spoke which made Hayden frown at her.

"I don't believe you." Hayden spoke with squinted eyes and Amanda smiled lovingly at her. Amanda was already hating herself because of what she was going to do next.

"We have to break up."

It was like Hayden had been struck with lightening when she heard what Amanda had said but then she tried to convince herself that maybe she had heard wrong, "What?"

"We have to break up, Hayden." Amanda repeated which made Hayden frown.

"No."

"Hayden, I'm not giving you a choice. I'm saying that we need to break up."

"No!" Hayden stood up from the bed with her eyebrows connected. She couldn't believe that Amanda was breaking up with her. Everything in her knew that there was nothing wrong with her but her insecurities spoke louder.

"Hayden, please. Don't make this harder." Amanda stood up as well and tried to reach out to the other girl, who backed away from her.

"Is it me? Is there something wrong with me, which made you come to this decision?" Hayden spoke on the verge of tears. Amanda quickly shook her head, with tears welling up in her eyes as well.

"Then why?" Hayden broke out into tears of sadness while Amanda took her into her arms, wrapping Hayden into her tight embrace. "I'm sorry."

Hayden cried softly in Amanda's embrace as the other girl tightened her hold on Hayden, not wanting to let go but she had to.

The two lovers stood embracing each other in the bright light of the room as both of their tears conveyed their sadness.

.........................................................................................

Zeke and Jordan didn't talk to me after that time in the hallway and it had been a week, Claire was beginning to see that I was keeping something from her. Every time she tried to talk to me about what I was thinking about, I'd change the topic and I could sense that she was getting frustrated because of me.

Kyle had also noticed the change in me and he didn't like it one bit. Except for Kyle and Claire, Alison was the only one that had also noticed something wrong with me.

I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I loved Claire but Amanda also mattered to me. I was confused and at this time, I only needed some time alone.

"There you go again thinking about only God knows what." Kyle grumbled from beside me as he drove to school. I gave him a small smile and turned on the radio.

"What's wrong, Hayden? You know, you can trust me." Kyle continued with his eyes trained on the road ahead.

"I know." I spoke quietly which made him sigh out loud.

"Then why aren't you talking to me?"

It was my turn to sigh now, "I am talking to you."

"No, you're not. This is not talking. I'm talking about what you're thinking about these days. Even Claire is worried about you." Kyle spoke with hand gestures and I would've laughed if the situation wasn't serious.

"Kyle, you're worrying too much." I spoke to him dismissively and he stopped the car with a jerk.

"Oh yeah, and what about Claire? She said that you don't go to her house anymore."

"What does she want? I just didn't go to her house on the weekend and she gets worried. I think she's acting too clingy." I spoke which made Kyle frown. Even I couldn't believe that I said that about Claire.

"Do you even hear yourself, you called your own girlfriend clingy." Kyle laughed bitterly at me and I bowed my head down.

"If something is bothering you, you have to tell me. You have me, Claire and everyone else now." Kyle spoke with a sigh and I nodded my head slowly.

"I don't know what I should do, Kyle."

"Do what you think is best. Sometimes when we don't know what to do, we end up listening to others and it only makes the situation worse."

"Wow, what have you done to my best friend?" I spoke with a laugh and Kyle managed to laugh as well. "Shut up, I am your best friend, jerk."

Kyle drove and I just hoped that at school, I wouldn't end up doing something I'd regret later on.

....................................................................

Claire was late for class and it was unlike her. She had been late before but not this late, even Mr. Hayes noticed. He didn't want to give Claire detention, so he just gave her a warning.

Claire walked over to me and sat down beside me, at her usual seat, without even looking at me.

'What's wrong with her?'

When Mr. Hayes began teaching again, I nudged Claire with a smile but she just looked straight ahead. I frowned and looked at Kyle, who was already watching us from the back seat.

He shrugged in confusion and I again looked at Claire taking notes now.

'I don't know what's wrong with her?'

I did the only thing that I knew I could do, I poked her. She jumped suddenly and glared at me, while I laughed silently. Mr. Hayes didn't see us as he had his head in a book, reading loudly to the class.

"Stop it." Claire hissed as I silently snickered. She glared at me again before looking at Mr. Hayes, who still hadn't noticed me disturbing Claire.

"Why are you ignoring me?" I whispered in her ear and she shivered visibly, making me smirk.

"Stop." She gave me a death glare and if glaring at someone could kill someone, then I'd probably be dead by now.

"But I wanna know, why you're avoiding me?" I whined in her ear. She sighed deeply before she tore a piece of paper from her notebook. She wrote something on it before neatly folding it and giving it to me.

I stared at her confused before I unfolded the paper.

We have to talk.

I had a feeling this talk wouldn't be too good.

.......................................................................................

Claire grabbed my hand and dragged me to the nearest girls' bathroom after the class was over. There was no one there and she locked the bathroom door behind us.

I didn't even know that we had a lock on the bathroom door.

"Who's Amanda?" I turned immediately to Claire and saw that she had tears already pooling in her eyes.

"No one." I don't know why I even lied when she already knew about Amanda.

"Didn't sound like no one when Zeke told me about her." She spoke as she wiped at her eyes. I sighed before I walked closer to her but she backed away from me.

"No, I want to know who this Amanda is." She demanded, I rubbed my neck awkwardly.

She deserves to know.

"We used to date back when my parents were still alive." I spoke with a sigh and she nodded her head slowly. "But she moved away and I don't know where she is now." I explained and she looked at me as if she was doubting me.

"That's not what Zeke told me." That Zeke was just out to destroy our relationship.

"He told me that you know where she is."

"How can I even know that? We stopped communicating when she moved away because she broke up with me." I told Claire as I again moved closer to her, this time she didn't back away and I was thankful for that. I took her hands in mine and brought her closer to me.

"Do you still have feelings for her?" She asked with a shaky voice as a stray tear fell from her left eye.

I wiped away her tear and looked into her eyes before I gave her my answer, my mostly true answer.

"No." She smiled a small smile before she wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

I didn't know why, but I felt like I lied to her just now.

Did I still have feelings for Amanda?

You were someone I love, then you were no one at all.

-Tegan and Sara

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