Heartless Sky: Chapter 40

I wandered through the dark tunnels, dragging my heels as my heart sank like a stone into a cold, cold pool in my stomach. Caleb’s words spun around and around in my head like a washing machine set on a spin cycle of hell. “I just don’t think-”

I knew the end of that sentence, I knew it in my gut, my heart, my dick, my fucking soul. ‘I just don’t think we should have done that.’ That was where he’d been going with that sentence. I’d seen it in his eyes. I’d seen the change, the exact moment he’d realised he’d made one, giant irreversible mistake. And I was that mistake embodied.

Instead of telling him the truth like maybe I should have, I’d tried to cover my ass. I’d tried to lie as well as I could possibly lie, and told him I give the peace sign to all my BFF BJs. I’d said I might go offer one to Darius. Like that was an entirely fucking normal thing for me to do and wasn’t completely fucked up.

The peace sign? The fucking peace sign?? Now I was gonna have to commit and try to bring the peace sign back, offering it out to random guys whenever Caleb was around to keep up my lie, bind it in sun steel and never let it break. I had to go Rambo on this lie, gut every crumb of honesty and leave a trail of bloody truth in my wake until only the lie remained.

I had to commit so hard, because if Caleb ever questioned me, if he ever figured out the truth, I’d die. And not just in a dramatic metaphorical way, I would literally die. I’d walk straight out under the moon and ask her to end me, because I was not living in a world where I lost Caleb Altair.

Even if I was in agony for the rest of my life and had to bottle this secret up in my chest forever until it devoured my heart and left nothing but bitterness behind it. I’d have to stomach seeing Caleb marry some girl, attend his wedding with a smile on my face, watch him have children with her, all the while remembering how I once sucked his cock and offered him the peace sign, pretending it meant absolutely jack shit to me.

I’d grow mean-tempered, lonely and I’d never marry, too full of spite to do anything but just fester in my own feelings. And on the last day of my life, when I was old and grey, and living alone in a palace full of beautiful things I’d collected to try and fill the void in me, I’d take a knife, cut out my heart and leave it on Caleb’s doorstep. Then, and only then, would I let him know that I had loved him so deeply, so unrequitedly that it had destroyed me every day of my life since our moment together in his room.

Or maybe he’ll be done with me now and never want to speak to me again.

Oh stars, I’ve fucked up everything. I’ve lost Cal forever.

A mournful whimper left my lips and I shivered in the freezing air as I delved deeper into the dark, my body aching for the contact of a pack surrounding me. It was my nature to seek the comfort of Wolves but I didn’t have a pack down here, not ones I could turn to right now anyway. The Oscuras welcomed me in whenever I really needed the comfort of other Wolves, but they had their Alphas already and I just didn’t feel any desire to challenge for control of them. Besides, if I headed down to see them, I’d just be looking at Rosalie remembering the way Caleb had looked while we fucked her together. My soul burned to cinders as I thought of him and his love of vaginas and I realised I’d probably end up trying to rip her throat out if I went to her now.

I couldn’t talk to Max or Darius about this, and now Darcy was gone there was no one else to talk to. Orion was the only one in this whole place that even knew about my feelings for Caleb, but he didn’t want me. He’d turned away my affection time and again and I couldn’t handle any more rejection right now. So I found my way to the darkest, loneliest corner of the entire Burrows and dropped down to sit there and whimper, the mournful sound pouring out of me as I fisted my hands in my hair and buried my face in my knees.

I’d lost him. This was it. I’d gone from nought to blowjob in sixty seconds. I’d taken a train to Dicklick Kingdom without even having a full stopover in Kiss County. I should have spent more time in his mouth, making sure he wanted this. I could have done so many things with my tongue between his lips and figured out if he even wanted me to go on a quest south. What had I been thinking? I’d just gotten so excited. But that was always my problem, wasn’t it? I was a stupid mutt who only needed a tiny bone offered to him to send him into overdrive. And Caleb had had a massive bone. It was my nature to want to bury it somewhere, but my mouth clearly hadn’t been the best option.

I’d overstepped the line and now he was going to retreat from me. I must have read the room completely wrong, and now I felt like I’d fucking sexually harassed my friend. It must have all been about my blood. He must have gotten confused for a moment and, like an asshole, I’d let myself believe it was me he wanted, and now what? How were we ever gonna move past this?

The sickening truth fell over me, because I knew we were never going to move past this. I’d single-handedly whacked our friendship over the head with a cock shaped hammer, dragged it out kicking and screaming into the woods, finished it off with another bloody strike to the head, then buried it six feet underground. It was friendicide. Fucking murder in the friend degree.

I slowly started pulling down my sweatpants, figuring I might feel better if I just shifted and went topside to run under the moon. At least the moon would listen to my woes, she was always so faithful in her companionship.

“Do I even wanna know why you’re crying and stripping in the dark?” Lance Orion’s deep voice dripped over me, and my head snapped up as a whine got trapped in my throat.

“I’m not crying,” I said thickly, pulling my pants back up. “I’m whimpering.”

“Same difference, mutt.” He took a bite out of a burrito in his hand and I frowned at him.

“Why are you eating down here all alone?” I deflected from my issues.

“Because I was still hungry after the hotdog and eating alone in the dining hall is a special kind of hell for me when everyone treats me like a fucking pariah,” he muttered, taking another bite of his burrito and swallowing it down. “So I made myself a snack in the kitchen – well, technically, I scared a little Mouse Shifter into making one for me.” He chuckled. “So I suppose I’ll leave you to cry.”

“Whimper,” I growled.

“Uhuh,” he said lightly, turning away from me.

“Wait,” I called. “Did you…hear me whimpering and come to check if I was okay?”

“Absolutely not,” he said dismissively, but surely his Vampire ears had picked up my whines? He must have known it was me, he must have wanted to help. And if he wanted to help, then maybe he’d give me what I needed.

I pushed to my feet in desperation, jogging after him as he started walking away, and the fact that he didn’t shoot off with his Vampire speed gave me an absolutely certain answer that he wanted to comfort me.

“You must want company. You’re missing Darcy,” I said and he ripped into his burrito more aggressively, not replying. “Maybe sometimes I could sleep in with you at night? I could put an illusion on my hair so it looks blue and if I put on a high pitched voice too then maybe-”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, Seth,” he cut over me after he’d swallowed the food in his mouth. “There are no circumstances – and I repeat – no circumstances, in which I would allow you to pretend to be Darcy so you could cuddle me in our fucking bed.”

“Okay,” I sighed, hanging my head.

“Why don’t you go and bond with some of the Oscura Wolves if you need that kind of attention?” he suggested.

“Because I need more than snuggles, and cuddles, and nuzzles,” I said sadly. “I need to talk about what happened while I’m doing all those things.”

“What do you mean?” he asked and I looked to him with my eyes large and my lower lip quivering.

“I did something terrible,” I whispered.

“What?” he demanded, but I shook my head.

“I can’t, Lance. I can’t say it. Not without snuggles. I need to feel safe while I say it.”

“Then go say it to one of the Heirs,” he said firmly, but I whimpered, shaking my head again.

“I can’t,” I croaked. “It’s about Caleb. And now Darcy’s gone and – and-” I tipped my head back and howled, my pain spilling out of me and filling every corner of this freezing, dark section of The Burrows.

Orion slapped a hand over my mouth to silence me, finishing his burrito as his eyes narrowed on me. He sighed long and wearily, slowly removing his hand from my mouth.

“I am only going to offer this once, and only because Darcy would ask me to if she could.”

“What?” I breathed.

“You may come to my room and have one small, short-lasting hug,” he offered and I gasped, throwing myself at him in excitement as I bounced up and down, knowing my tail would be wagging a mile a minute if I was in my shifted form.

He shoved me off of him with a growl.

“What did I just say?” he snapped.

“One hug. Got it.” I backed up, practically bursting with the need to be held as he released another long sigh and started walking away into the dark.

I followed him all the way back to our room and Orion locked the door firmly behind me like he was afraid someone might walk in on this moment. I reached for my waistband, about to drop my pants when he pointed at me and barked, “No. Clothes on, Capella. Let’s not make this weirder than it already is.”

“Okay,” I agreed. “Where do you want me? Big spoon position or little spoon? Or we could do topsy-downsies? Or upsy-topsies? Ooh, what about the double-inward spoon with a little leg hitch action?” I got onto the bed, patting the sheets beside me in encouragement and Orion remained by the door, looking like he was questioning his life choices.

“I will lie there.” He pointed to the empty space beside me. “And you may put one arm around me.”

“Can I hitch a leg?” I asked pleadingly.

“No.”

“Not even one tiny little thirty second leg hitch?” I begged and he ran a hand down his face, but I could see him resigning himself to this.

“Fine,” he gave in, moving to the bed and I hurried to switch off the light before diving back onto the mattress and putting the lamp on instead.

“Why did you do that?” he growled.

“Mood lighting,” I said. “Every hug has its own mood, Lance. By the stars, does Darcy get moodless hugs from you? I really need to give you my hug manifesto. It’ll change your life.”

He laid down on the bed, his head propped up on the pillow and I crawled towards him as he eyed me like a piranha on its way to bite his dick off.

“Relax,” I growled, pressing his shoulders down into the pillow and massaging them. “I can’t hug you like this. Stop tensing.”

He ground his jaw then his body went more slack and I smiled, taking hold of his right arm and drawing it out to the side before I started crawling around in circles in the space his arm marked out.

“What the fuck are you doing now?” he asked irritably as I scratched at the sheets, moving around and around in a ring.

“Checking for snakes, Lance. By the stars, this is snuggle safety one-oh-one.” Finally satisfied, I laid down in the space beside him, resting my head on his shoulder, laying one arm over his body and hitching my leg up over his thigh.

“Now close your right arm around me,” I whispered and his lips twitched in resistance before he did as I said, holding me against him and I finally relaxed, shutting my eyes as my thrashing heart finally started to slow.

I lay there, drinking in the feeling of being cuddled while my Order instincts settled down and were finally sated.

“So are you going to tell me why you were crying?” he muttered.

“Whimpering,” I corrected, keeping my eyes shut as my chest pinched with pain again, remembering Caleb’s bitter rejection and feeling that hurt wash through me in wave after wave. “Oh Lance, I’ve done something so fucking stupid.”

“What?” he grunted and I took a shaky breath.

“I gave Cal a Tiberian tip swirler,” I admitted.

“A what?”

“A Likranian lip dipping dong dancer,” I explained better.

“In a language I can fucking understand?” he demanded and I huffed heavily.

“A blowjob, Lance. A fucking blowjob.”

“Right, okay. And why has that left you devastated beyond all reason?” he asked in confusion and I howled long and low right in his ear, making him wince away, but I held on tight.

“Because he didn’t want my blowjob,” I admitted on a whimper. “The look he gave me, Lance, it was like -like – the apocalypse had befallen his cock. Oh my stars, I’m the acockalypse,” I said in horrified realisation.

I hugged him tighter, hitching my leg higher and nuzzling his shoulder as I stole the comfort I needed and Orion’s chest heaved up and down, his jaw ticking away like a tiny little clock in his face. “I can normally read people so well. I swear I thought he gave me the green light. He kissed me. He kissed me, Lance! With tongue and everything. Then he gave me the BJ eyes – I’m always so good at spotting the BJ eyes.”

“I’m really not the best one to talk to about shit like this,” he said. “I think you should tell Max and Darius. They’ll know what to say.”

“No,” I growled. “I won’t. I’ve already ruined one friendship, I’m not dragging everyone else into this and ruining things with them too. But how can I fix things with Cal? What can I do-awoooo.” I broke into a sad howl.

“Stars give me strength,” Orion said under his breath, but he didn’t let go of me as I curled myself tighter around him and panted heavily against his ear. “Look, I’m sorry Seth, but it’s happened now, so the best thing you can do is to have it out with him. Tell him how you feel, apologise for shit getting weird and try to figure out how you can both move on from there. You’ve been friends long enough that your bond should be salvageable regardless. He’s probably feeling shitty about this too.”

I nodded, whining softly. “Or how about I bury my feelings, act like it never happened and hope all our problems magically go away?” I suggested.

“I don’t think that’s-”

“Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, thanks Lance. That’s great advice,” I said decisively, snuggling in as I prepared to have a snooze.

“That wasn’t my advice,” he hissed, but I was already falling asleep, finding some peace in the arms of my new friend and thankful that he’d come up with a plan that could really help me.