22 | I Guess I Deserve It

It doesn't take long for me to figure out that the sick to my stomach feeling isn't going to go away, especially not when I'm spending time with Lizzie and Zack. Knowing what I did makes me feel like a phony, and all I want to do is yell the truth and come clean. But I can't. I can't fix this without also potentially wrecking everything.

Gradually, I start spending less and less time with them— it takes me a few days before I even realize what I'm doing, but once I do, it's undeniable: I'm trying to shield myself from the guilt. Trying to distance myself from what I did. It doesn't work that well, since I still eat with them at every meal and they manage to drag me out to crafts night or morning swims now and then, but I keep doing it— because how can I pretend to be their friend when I've acted like the total opposite?

Ethan is a whole other battle. Avoiding him hasn't been easy, since he's usually serving behind the buffet at least once a day. Where I used to get butterflies from seeing him, now I just feel embarrassed. My heart aches over what could have been, but it's obvious I'm not ready for a relationship. How can I be, when I can't even handle friendship? Ethan deserves someone who won't hurt him, and after what I did, I'm not sure if I trust myself.

In the past two weeks, even when I am around Liz and Zack, I've felt more alone than ever. Because this time, I know that's what I deserve.

My portraits are still the best photos I've taken this summer, but it feels too wrong to shoot more. Taking pictures has always been about capturing real life for me. It's about showcasing authenticity and the truths of the world, and lately, the people who occupy it. But how can I ask that of people I lied to? I can't. So I'm back to taking pictures of nature, which leave a lot to be desired. Definitely not the type of pictures I'd want to display at the showcase, which arrives before I know it.

It's the day before the showcase, the last day of camp, and the emotional rollercoaster that has been my life this summer is at an all-time low. And just when I think things can't get any worse, I realize that I can't find my flash drive— the one I've been storing my best pictures on to keep them organized.

It's after breakfast, and I'm basically tearing apart my living area to find it. I empty every drawer and throw my clothes on my bed, dumping my suitcase of the few things that I'd left inside.

I'm in the middle of checking every pocket of every garment when Lizzie walks in, her eyes going wide when she sees the mess I've made. She rushes over, frantic. "What happened? What'd they do?"

"What? Oh, no." I shake my head, realizing she thinks this has something to do with Rita and Mei. "I lost my flash drive. I can't remember where I had it last, and I just... I mean, it's here somewhere," I ramble. Honestly, this whole ordeal isn't surprising. I've been so guilt-ridden since that night in Rita's cabin that I've hardly been able to think straight. I can barely manage to form a coherent thought or hold a conversation, and Lizzie's asked me more than a few times lately if I'm sure I'm okay.

"Are you positive you lost it? You don't think it's revenge?" She doesn't have to be discreet, since the cabin is empty apart from us. My stomach twists at her concern, and I'm reminded how much unnecessary paranoia I've caused her over the past two weeks.

"I'm sure I misplaced it," I say, knowing I can't tell her just how sure I am. "I've just been spacing a lot lately."

"I'll help you look," she offers, chipper as ever. "Zack's finishing up formatting and printing his poems for tomorrow, and I was hoping we could finally hang out anyways— you haven't been ditching me for Ethan, have you?"

I force a smile, because her friendliness is bittersweet. It's warm and familiar, and I don't deserve it at all. I've been avoiding her questions about Ethan because I don't know how to explain what happened. But I guess if I can offer even a smidge of honesty at this point, I shouldn't pass it up. "Hardly. I haven't spoken to him in a while, actually. I think that sort of... fizzled out."

Lizzie laughs, rummaging through the bracelets and crafts on my desk as I continue to check pockets. "As if! He's probably just busy with kitchen stuff. I saw how he was looking at you during movie night, and that isn't the type of thing to fizzle."

"Maybe," I say, not meaning it. After how I snubbed him, I doubt he'd even want to talk to me again. And even if he did, I meant what I said. I'm unworthy of a guy as honest and caring as he is. He's showed me nothing but understanding since we met, and look at how I repaid him.

"Zack even asked me about you two. He said that you guys seemed like a couple— What's this?" Lizzie cuts herself off, and I look over to see her kneeling next to the dresser, which she's pulled away from the wall.

Oh. Crap.

My stomach sinks straight to the floor, because I know exactly what it is before she even pulls it out from its hiding place. And judging from her expression, she does too.

Her gaze travels from the glitter-filled baggy and onto me, and her mouth forms a hard line as she stands up. A hot wash of shame covers me from head to toe, and with how panicked I am, I'm surprised I even manage to speak.

"Lizzie, please, give me a chance to explain."

"I don't think you have to," she says, tossing the baggy onto the top of my dresser, where it lands in a slump among the jewelry and knickknacks. "You never put glitter in any of their stuff."

When she looks to me for confirmation, I want to collapse with the weight of knowing I can't deny it.

She kicks the dresser, rattling the mess of knickknacks. "God! I'm so stupid— I mean, I knew nobody could clean up glitter that quickly. I told myself it was impossible, but I never..." She trails off, but she doesn't have to finish her thought for me to know what it is. She never thought I would do that. She never considered I might be the reason the prank failed.

"Liz, I just... I wanted the war to end," I say, my voice hoarse as I speak over the lump in my throat. "I wanted to stop it, but I didn't want you to be mad at me—"

"That doesn't make it right to lie!" she argues, voice filled with hurt. Her arms are crossed, and her eyes are shining behind her glasses.

My eyes well up, but I blink the tears away, knowing I'm not the one with the right to cry right now. "I know, and I'm sorry. I've been sorry since the second I did it. But I thought it was for the best."

She scoffs, looking taken aback with disbelief. "You played me and Zack. You went behind our backs and have been pretending like you didn't sabotage the prank for days. That's for the best?"

"I didn't want any of us to end up getting kicked out over all this—"

"So you could have told me!" she yells, tears spilling over. She wipes at her face with obvious frustration, voice wavering as she continues, "Instead you made me feel like an idiot."

Before I can even try to apologize again, Lizzie shakes her head.

"I need to think. To cool off," she says thickly, taking wide strides to the door and flinging it open. It clatters shut behind her as she storms out, and I flinch at the harsh noise, knowing I deserve a lot worse than a slammed door.

I let out a long breath and lower onto my bed, wishing I knew how to fix this big of a screw-up.

So much for doing the right thing.

So much for not losing my new friends.

• • • 🌻 • • •

I fold all my clothes and reorganize my things, silently hoping for Lizzie's return the whole time. But it never comes, and eventually I decide to head off to the photography building to check what photos I was smart enough to leave on my SD card.

As I head over to the row of computers, I close my eyes, overwhelmed by a confusing mix of frustration and relief. Plugged into the USB drive of my usual computer is my blue flash drive, exactly where I must've left it after the last workshop.

It's irony so obvious it makes me want to punch something. If my thoughts wouldn't have been so scattered, then I either wouldn't have left it here or would have at least remembered where I left it. But because of my stupid decisions, I did leave it here, I didn't remember, and Lizzie found the stupid baggy of glitter that's been haunting my dreams for days.

I found my photos, but undoubtedly just lost my friends.

Not exactly an equal trade, universe, I think as I snatch the flash drive from the computer. But I guess I deserve it.

I turn to leave, knowing I'm way too distracted to work on editing any pictures, but hesitate at the doorway. Sounds of chatter and laughter seep in from the sunny outdoors, taunting my heavy heart.

Where else can I even go? Lizzie doesn't want to see me, Zack probably knows by now and hates me too, and I was terrible to Ethan.

My throat tightens, and tears sting behind my eyes as the questions begin to race through my head. Where will I sit at lunch? How can I ever go back to the cabin and face Lizzie? Why didn't I just come clean in the first place?

I was selfish, and it got me exactly what I wanted when I first came here: I'm alone.

I'm alone, and it makes me realize that this is definitely not what I wanted anymore. Not at all.

I slump into one of the extra chairs that sit against the wall, put my head in my hands, and throw myself the world's loneliest pity party, complete with the tears that have been building since the night I emptied that glitter jar.

And then the door opens next to me, I look up in surprise, and I come snotty, tear-streaked face to gorgeous face with Ethan.

hope you guys liked the chapter! i was sort of unsure about doing such a large time skip, so that might be something i need to revise on the second draft haha 😅