36. Ashe

I wake long before Dani stirs from her drug-induced slumber. The light filtering in through the blinds, bathing the bedroom in the pale blue glow of dawn, tells me that the sun is still sleeping, too.

How long was I asleep for? An hour, maybe four?

Whatever the time, it was long enough for Dani's legs to escape from the sheets that caged them and become entangled with my own. Her chin cut into my collarbone, hot breath tickling my neck as her fingers wove themselves lazily through my hair. With the heat that simmered in my veins at her close proximity, it was a miracle I was able to fall asleep at all.

My mind still whirled from the conversation that took place earlier. The implications of the choice I had to make hung over my head like an executioner's axe and I grew dizzy just thinking about it. I was no hero and Dani seemed convinced that I was not a monster. I knew better, though. I knew that nothing but death would find her if she stayed bound to me, either by the dangers that lurked in the shadows that surrounded us or by the demon that lurked within me.

I was a weapon, a Reaper. Death tainted everything I touched. Dani was kind and selfless, if a little naive. She did not belong to this world any more than I belonged in hers. My humanity for Dani's freedom. Her life for my soul. My head pounded as I tried to mentally calculate the value of each. But was one really worth more than the other?

The weight of it all was nearly paralyzing and laying so close to the cross I bore was not helping me think straight. I needed to get out and clear my head.

With about as much grace as I can muster, I slip my arm out from under the barista and roll myself out of bed. I'm across the room in a millisecond, but as I spare a glance over my shoulder a sigh of relief escapes me. Dani continues to slumber, unaware of my absence.

I quickly change clothes and am halfway out the door when something stills me. My fingers dig into the wooden doorframe as I try to fight it, but the compulsion pulls at my heartstrings and reels me back inside. Before I can rationalize what the hell I'm doing, I walk over and press my lips against Dani's forehead. Her brow crinkles for a moment and then relaxes as her mouth twists into a contented smile. Damn, that's cute.

Startled by my own impulse, I frown and take a step back. I'm not sure what possessed me to do that. She was not conscious enough to command me and yet I had wanted to do it all the same. The worst part of all was that I knew where it stemmed from.

There was a small yet persistent fear that dwelled in the darkest corners of my heart, gaining in strength like a slow-moving storm the longer I tiptoed around this invisible line set between Dani and I. It was a fear that I thought I had conquered until recently. A fear that this barista seems to have awoken the moment she put my ring on her finger and intertwined our lives. It was like I was watching a movie that I've seen a hundred times over; I know how it ends and yet I'm powerless to change it.

I never had the chance to say goodbye to Emelie before her life was taken, or to Jeanne before she was struck down. There was so much that had been left unsaid, unspoken words I had carried around like shackles over the centuries. I was not sure if I could bear the weight of it all over again.

Gritting my teeth, I shove that notion to the furthest depths of my mind and leave the room before another ridiculous impulse can overtake me. My thoughts are jumbled and my perception is skewed. I needed to clear my damn head.

***

I found Nadia painting in her studio downstairs. It was a small room at the far end of the townhouse, but in the short time that I lived here it had quickly become one of my favorites.

“You're up early.”

“I am immortal, Ashe. I do not require sleep.” The demon hums absently, unperturbed by my intrusion as she swirls her paintbrush over the canvas before her, the streak of yellow smearing across a blue sky like a golden comet. “And, after last night's events, I assumed you would still be sleeping well after the sun rose. What is your excuse?”

“I couldn't sleep anymore.” My eyes wander around the room, taking in the various pieces of artwork that were both new and familiar as I sidled up behind her. Some were portraits of people I've never met and some were an abstract blend of shapes and colors, but the majority of the paintings hanging along the walls were of landscapes too surreal to be of this realm. “You've added a few since I've been away.”

“Yes, well, I can only read the same books for so long before they grow tiresome.”

She did have an extensive collection in the library across the hall. Always an avid reader, she often said that she found the human mind's capacity for creativity fascinating, but I suspect that she sought understanding of mortals from the pages of books when digesting their emotions failed to enlighten her. No doubt she has added more in the two decades since I left for the Second Precinct.

“So go to a bookstore and buy more.”

“I am bored of reading. I prefer to paint now.”

My gaze roams over her current masterpiece, taking in the spiraling cliffs and varying shades that painted the sky. It was not a setting that I was familiar with. “Where is that?”

Nadia sets her brush down on the easel tray and leans back with a sigh. “Home.”

The Etherum realm. She had described its endless skies and floating hills many times to me, but words did it little justice when staring at her memory captured in vivid watercolor.

A low whistle escapes my lips. “After spending eons in this realm, I'm surprised you still remember what home looks like.”

“One does not simply forget where they come from.”

I hum. “How do you even know which colors to use?” A demon's sight was akin to having achromatopsia; they saw the world around them in shades of gray. The only colors visible to them were the auras that manifested around a person whenever their emotions were intense. Despite her inability to decipher the differences in each pigment, it always amazed me how Nadia could navigate a paint palette with such familiarity to create something so vibrant.

“I just know.” Nadia quirks an eyebrow as she peers over her enchanted spectacles and I feel like I'm under a microscope. “Are you well?”

“I—what? Yes, I'm fine.”

“Are you? Because your moods seem different of late.”

“I'm fine, aantee.”

“You mentioned that you have been feeding again.”

It was a statement, not a question. I cross my arms. “I don't see how that's relevant.”

“When you prey on another's aura, it opens you to your own feelings. You know how dangerous that is for you.”

“It only happened a few times. But it was nothing—”

“Even the smallest pebble can ripple an ocean. Do not forget who you are, Ashadjinalda. Do not forget what you are.”

Christ, I have not heard her use my given name in at least four hundred years. She once told me that it meant 'daughter of the fire and the sky' but it was always a mouthful to say and, to be honest, I hated it. Demons were certainly not winning any awards for their naming conventions.

But she tells me not to forget as if I know what I am in the first place. It was a constant battle in my mind, both sides pulling on the tattered fabric of my soul as they fought for dominance. It scared me sometimes to think about what would happen if one of them won this internal tug of war. But I was in no mood for such reflections this early in the morning.

“And what am I, exactly? Am I human? Demon? I've got a foot in both worlds and I don't know which side to stand on anymore.”

“You are both, and you are neither.”

She could be as clear as mud sometimes. I groan in annoyance. “I don't have the patience for your psychoanalytical bullshit today.”

“Have you been using the meditative techniques I taught you to keep your emotions contained?”

“Yes.” Mostly, anyway. Picturing my emotions as threads had been her idea, something easy to grasp in my mind for when my feelings became overwhelming. But the threads were getting harder to hold on to lately.

Nadia snorts. “You cannot lie to me. I may not be able to feel these emotions as you do, but I know their flavor. Regret has perhaps the worst taste of all.”

“Why does it even matter?”

“You have many regrets. You have fears, as well. You are part mortal, it is only natural to feel these things. But this human who binds you to her now has stirred something in you. She has changed your aura and opened your heart to feeling everything that you have been holding back. This pebble will bring a storm with her. I only hope you have enough sense in you not to drown.”

I fear it may be too late for that. But was her mind as mysterious to Nadia as it was to me?

“When you look at her,” I ask. “When she's near me, what”—I swallow the small lump that had crept into my throat, uncertain if I truly wanted to know her answer—“what color do you see?”

“She is peculiar for a human. Her aura is . . . undefined. I cannot sense her thoughts, much like a witch casting a cloaking spell to hide their mind from my sight. And I do not trust what I cannot see.”

“Dani isn't a witch, Nadia.”

“Perhaps not. Even so, I trust you will be careful. No good will come from being bound to that girl.”

“I know, aantee.” There was too much risk involved if Dani stayed but I was not prepared to consider what it would cost for her to leave. I was not prepared for the consequences of either outcome.

“I do not agree with what was said, but Catalina is right.” Nadia sighs. “Stay soulbound to her or let one of you pay the price for your freedom. But consider your decision carefully, chhotee juganoo. You cannot get back what you choose to give up.”

I was not about to argue with a demon and none of this was helping to clear my head. There was only one place I could go to find clarity this early in the morning. “Where are the keys? I need to get out for a bit.”

Nadia raises an eyebrow. “Catalina took the Bugatti earlier when she left for her meeting with—”

I cut her off with a shake of my head. I was not interested in parading through the streets in one of Nadia's luxury classics. I wanted to feel the wind in my hair as it whipped these conflicting thoughts from my mind. “You still have the Crocker?”

She narrows her eyes at my vehicle of choice, a motorcycle nearly eight decades old. It may be considered a clunker when compared to the more modern Ninja I had back home, but even after twenty years I did not doubt that it was still a joy to ride.

“Yes, and the keys are hanging in the garage.”

Offering a curt nod, I pivot on my heels and exit her studio. “I'll be back in time for breakfast.” Though with how out of it Dani was and with Marco typically hibernating well into the afternoon, that could be hours from now. Plenty of time to think things over.

“You expect me to cook more food?”

“I expect you to be a good host,” I counter with a laugh as I make my way down the hall and into the garage. “And don't feed on our guests!”

***

Even as the rays of the morning sun start to peek over the horizon, the streets were relatively quiet. The hum of the motorbike roars loudly as I weave between the other motorists and navigate through the serene neighborhoods on my way to downtown. It was not long before I pull to a stop in the back alley outside a dilapidated brick building.

I turn off the bike and glance up at Bethel Baptist Church, the former home of the Bethel family coven. Another ruin left in the Tribunal's wake. More blood on my hands.

I slip the keys into my pocket and make my way inside. The heavy wooden door in the front was locked, but a piece of particleboard nailed over a window on the side of the church offered little resistance.

After all this time, hardly anything has changed. The wooden pews were blackened in some places and rotted in others, but I suppose twenty years of neglect in the aftermath of a fire would do that. Trash littered every inch of the tiled floor and questionable smears stained the cracked walls, no doubt the remnants left behind by squatters. The twinkling rays of sunlight that filtered in through the high stained glass windows painted the house of worship in a rainbow of color, but there was no beauty to behold in such a desolate place.

I lower myself into one of the benches near the back row and let my memories take me back to that night. Ghostly screams assault my ears as the coppery smell of blood and sulfur burn my nostrils. I close my eyes as phantom images of Reapers and witches dance in my mind, letting the scene unfold as I relive that night all over again. They had been in the middle of a sermon when we barged in, a harmless prosperity ritual that most covens participated in during a blood moon. But we were given orders and I never left a job unfinished.

I killed the leader of their coven, Magister William Bethel, first. His wife Marjorie was the next to die at the altar, felled by another Reaper's blade. I cut down two more in the aisle before chasing a third into the back rooms. I could smell the smoke by the time I finished sweeping the halls, taking down any witch in my way. My stomach knots as the memory of their fears invades my senses and I nearly gag on the taste.

A blur of movement had caught my attention in the Magister's office and I reached under the desk, dragging a screaming child out by the collar of her dress. Her bright blue eyes shone with unshed tears and her blonde hair was matted with her family's blood, but something stilled my hand that night. As I stared into her wide frightened eyes I could see the reflection of my demon staring back at me. I saw the monster in her gaze and, although I had tasted fear before, it was the first time I had tasted it from myself.

I never wanted to taste that again.

“Never would've pegged you for the religious type.”

“I'm not.” I open my eyes to see a familiar blonde staring curiously back at me. “What're you doing here, Rose?”

“I saw you come inside this place and I was curious. I wanted to see if you'd actually burn on holy ground.” She shrugs. “Can't say I'm not a little disappointed.”

“You really don't like me, do you?”

“We've already established that.”

A small chuckle escapes my lips despite the venom in her tone. This must be how Dani feels after every interaction with Catalina. If anything, the hostility that these two women felt towards our being soulbound should have made the decision to separate a little easier. But it still weighed my heart down.

I comb a hand through my tangled hair with a sigh. I came here to clear my head, not dwell on the thoughts that clouded my mind. “Why aren't you back at Nadia's?”

“I'm not a prisoner,” the blonde retorts as she sits in the pew behind me. “And not that it's any of your business, but I grew up not far from here. I wanted to see some old friends while I was in town. I do have a life, you know.” The wood groans as she leans forward and crosses her arms. “And so does Dani.”

“It's not that simple.” I close my eyes. “She chose to put the ring on. Removing it could kill her and I can't—” The words catch in my throat and I grit my teeth. Why was the thought of Dani's death so hard to swallow?

“Why her?”

It was a simple enough question and yet finding an answer was anything but. From the first moment I laid eyes on her I was intrigued. I could read the emotions of everyone in that little café except for hers. I was drawn to the mystery and caught up in the mundane normalcy of not knowing. Trying to read her was more thrilling than any hunt and a part of me relished in how human the awkwardness of it made me feel. I had not felt its equal in centuries and the familiarity of it was not lost on me.

I had panicked when she put my soul ring on six months later, afraid that my world would swallow her up as it had done so many times before and leave me alone to pick up the pieces. I had done everything I could think of to drive her away, to make her want to unbind the magic and forget that I ever existed, if only to keep myself from falling again. Over these last few weeks of getting to know her, though, the mystery that was Dani only deepened. The more she cracked through the walls that I had built up after Emelie, the more I became drawn to her light. The more she saw through the demon inside me, the more I wanted to prove to her that I was more than a monster. That I was a creature worthy of love.

Realizing that Rose was waiting on an answer, I clear my throat. “I don't know.”

“Have you given any thought to what I said yesterday?”

Other than her verbally attacking my character, we have hardly spoken a word to each other during this trip. Or ever, really. “What are you talking about?”

“You know, in your room. After your little tantrum over lunch.”

“Rose, we haven't talked at all since we got here.”

“Yeah, okay.” Rose snorts and leans back. “Look, you want to avoid the subject then that's on you. But like I told you before, if you really care about Dani—and don't think I didn't notice the packet of cigarettes you threw away, so you were at least paying a little attention to me—then you'll do whatever it takes to set her free. Being around you is dangerous and I won't let Dani become another casualty in your supernatural world.”

“You talk as if you know anything about my world.”

“I've seen enough movies to know.”

Silence descends over us and we sit quietly for a while in the decrepit ruins that once held life within them. It was a bitter thought that this building reminded me of my current situation. Was this the only future I could offer Dani? Would the fire I carry burn her beauty to ashes?

It was Rose who breaks the silence first. “So why'd you come to this shithole, anyway? I can't imagine you came to pray.”

“It wasn't always a church.”

“That's not what I asked.”

Fair enough. “Something happened here a long time ago, something I helped do.”

“Did you burn it down?”

“It's not something I'm proud of, okay?”

“Then why'd you do it?”

“It wasn't—” My jaw clenches. Other than Nadia and Cat, I had told no one of that night. I had no reason to, and yet sitting here in the dilapidated pews within the charred remains of this church I felt the overwhelming urge to confess my sins. Maybe if I did, it would lift my burdens and grant me the clarity I sought. “It was my job. I was following orders.”

“That sounds like a cop-out answer. Does it make the truth easier to stomach?”

“No.” I run a palm over my face. “I'm not looking for forgiveness. I know what I am and there's no excuse for the things I've done. And I don't know why it bothers me now after all these years, but ever since Dani entered my life I just . . . I don't want her to see me as a monster.”

“Yeah, she has that effect on people. Always seeing the good even when it's not there.” Rose sighs and I feel her icy stare on me as she turns her head. “But sooner or later, Red, everyone has to face the demons of their past. Even actual demons.”

“I'm only half,” I mutter as my pocket buzzes. Thankful for a distraction from our conversation, I flip open the phone. “Yes?”

“Ashe.”

I roll my eyes. “I've been gone for one day, Chandler. Whatever it is can wait till I get back.”

“That's not why I'm calling. I've been tracking your phone—”

“Of course you have.”

“Will you just listen to me? Another backdoor opened up not far from your location. Where are you?”

I scramble to my feet and glance around. “Are you sure? I don't see anything.”

“It's pattern matches the one from a few nights ago, when you said that puppetmaster confronted you. Are you sure you're alone?”

“Chandler, I—” The familiar sound of metal scraping against tile grates my ears as it cuts through the still church air and my heart drops to the pit of my stomach. “I'll call you back.”

I slip the phone back into my pants pocket as the last person I expected to see emerges from the back offices like a bloodthirsty zombie from a horror movie. A zombie with a wicked grin on her face and a deadly tattoo inked across her body.

“Rose, you need to leave. Now.”

The blonde moves slowly toward the aisle. “She a friend of yours?”

I flick my wrist, wincing as a silver blade breaks through my skin and curves out into a scythe. “She was.”

“Well don't let me stop the reunion, then.”

Nessa inches closer, her stiff limbs cracking with each step. I do not bother glancing over my shoulder as I shout, “Just go, dammit!”

“I wasn't lying that night, you know, when I said that I hoped it wasn't you. Believe it or not, you actually make her happy.”

Why the hell was she still here? “Get the fuck out, Rose! I won't be responsible for your death!”

I can still feel her presence behind me and I want to scream. Does she have a death wish? I cannot guarantee her safety if Nessa gets any closer and I will not be the one to lose Dani's best friend. Not after the lengths I went through to save her life!

“I appreciate what you're going through with this whole self-discovery thing, Red. I know what it's like to try and find the good beneath the monster.” She tsks and my blood freezes at the sound. “But I know the real you. I know what you are under this façade and I won't let Dani become your next victim.”

I try to turn and face her but my body is rooted in place. No. No, no, no, this is not happening! “Why can't I move?”

As Nessa closes in, I feel a hand grab my shoulder. “Did you really think I'd forget what you did here all those years ago?” Rose asks, her lips pressed close to my ear. “You may have spared me that night but you took away so much more. I've dreamt of this moment ever since I was a child, the day I take down the devil with red hair.”

Before I can reply, something heavy slams into the back of my head. Darkness fills my vision and I topple over, freed from the force that held me in place as I succumb to the embrace of unconsciousness.

-------------

A/N: Well this can't be good! 😬 Gotta admit I'm in my feels on this one. Rose's reveal is...ugh 💔

Don't forget to vote if you're enjoying the story! :)