Chapter 58: "What He Didn't Have"

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First draft: August 2018

"Are you okay?" Zayn asked, watching her fidget with her fingers.

"Of course, I am." Salma forced a smile.

Salma's shivering had let up. Her body had warmed back to normal and the two had had their sandwiches, over which Zayn first apologized for dropping her in the water, then the two laughed at how comedic her fall into the stream was, and then Salma renewed her vows to abandoned him or dump him in the forest stream, in her fantasy of revisiting the forest.

After packing the trash up, Zayn took his spot next to her again, wrapping her in his embrace. Although uncomfortable, Salma let him. It would not make sense to snuggle up to him one minute and then push him away the next. He would not understand. And Salma did not have the heart to hurt him. However, no matter how hard she tried, her toes kept curling up painfully and her arms and legs ached due to the tension in her muscles. She could feel the slow rise and fall of his chest against her back with every breath he took. Salma dug her teeth harder into the softer tissue of his lower lip. He was too close to her. They were basically making physical contact.

"No, I mean, are you uncomfortable with this?" Zayn asked, motioning with his arms that were wrapped around her frame.

Salma stopped fidgeting with her fingers, turning around to face him. Except, they were too close, and by the time she looked into his eyes, she saw his gaze fixed on her lips. Blushing furiously, Salma quickly turned away.

"No," she said hoarsely then cleared her throat. "Just unfamiliar, really."

She heard Zayn laugh quietly. A shiver raked up her spine with the rumble of his chest.

"How long does it take the unfamiliar to become familiar?" Zayn asked.

"I don't know. How long does it take to change a habit of the past twenty or so years?" Salma countered.

"Fair enough." Zayn smiled.

They settled into a peaceful silence, each following their own train of thoughts. He had asked her an hard question so Salma gathered her courage to ask something she had been worrying about.

"Does it frustrate you?" she asked quietly. "My reluctance?"

Zayn picked up her hand, placing it between his.

"Maybe, a little . . ." he replied honestly. "It concerns me more though. Makes me think if I'm going too fast for you, or overcrowding and putting too much pressure on you, but at the same time, I can't stop myself from at least trying, so it becomes a struggle."

Salma watched the pad of his thumb graze against her palm, making it tickle so much that with every stroke she struggled against pulling her hand away. Struggle, did he say? Salma laughed, abruptly closing her fingers over his thumb, trapping it.

Zayn turned to her, watching her reopen her fingers, staring at their hands with interest. She opened her mouth and turned to him, but then decided against it.

"What?" Zayn asked.

"Nothing," Salma replied.

Zayn rested his forehead against the side of her head, then started rocking them together slowly.

"Tell me," he said softly.

Salma hesitated.

"It's just weird to me that you're the same guy that I knew last year," she finally admitted.

Zayn stopping rocking her but he remained quiet. Salma tried glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, worried that she had said the wrong thing.

"I'm the same guy," Zayn barely whispered as he lifted his forehead from her hair and started playing with her fingers again. Zayn knew where she was coming from. He had been terribly dominating last year, showing little to no regard for her personal choice or space. "Last year started off bad, long before I met you and then I guess it just kept getting worse."

"Grandpa made Claire change universities and demanded that we work out our differences. It was a bad time for me. I'd only recently lost someone close to me so I wasn't exactly ready for another difficult relation. Things didn't work between Claire and I. We started avoiding each other, to the point that I got an apartment and started living there. Grandpa was not pleased when he found out. He said we'd need each other when he was gone. That didn't sit well me either. I conditioned that I'd only go back to the house if he allows me to bring Niall along. He agreed."

"It worked. Niall became the buffer between us. His cheerful persona and frankness with the both of us started melting the awkward ice around us. Two weeks after Claire and I had had our first dinner spent together as normal siblings, she asked me to accompany her on the trip . . ."

Salma's heart sank.

"And then the accident happened," Zayn confirmed her suspicions. She understood now why Zayn was so bitter when he first woke up. A lot of his horrible behavior back in the forest started making sense.

"And then I met you." He chuckled. "My personal pest."

"Hey!" Salma lightly dug her elbow into his ribs, making him laugh more.

"You didn't go easy on me at all, did you?" Zayn smiled, tightening his arms around her. "I don't think I've ever been challenged so much my entire life!"

"It's not like you were any better," Salma defended. "You'd get upset with me at the most trivial things, like-like me praying!"

Zayn laughed quietly at the memory.

"And then I fell for you," he continued. Salma shifted in his arms, blushing.

"Good to know I'm one of the highlights of last year's bad experiences." Salma laughed, trying to play it cool, when her pulse was anything but. It was pounding under her skin at a mad pace.

Zayn moved her around so he could look her in the eye.

"My lack of self-control was bad experience and there is not a day that passes by that I don't regret it," Zayn said quietly. "Of course there were other things happening that added to it, but nothing came close to the problem that is solved now."

Zayn searched her dark brown eyes, allowing himself to drown into their depths.

"I wanted you," he whispered, caressing her cheek with his fingers lightly, "And I couldn't have you."

Salma swallowed, looking away from his intense gaze. Zayn took in a deep breath, forcing his eyes away too. He took a minute to try to calm his buzzing blood.

"You'd paid more attention to an insect then me." Zayn chuckled, forcing his thoughts away from direction it had started racing off too. "That was a problem."

"I couldn't just do what you wanted," Salma said. Her voice had gone hoarse again.

"I know, I'm not blaming you or anything," Zayn replied, resting his forehead back on the crown of her head. "I'm just saying, I seem different now because I feel like I can have a shot at having you. And with that goal to achieve, I realize I can use my love for you as a weapon against my demons, instead of a fuel that fed them against me."

Salma's heart skipped a beat.

"Now it's a lot more flattering to know I'm a good influence," she tried to joke just to keep her heart from fluttering right out of her chest.

Zayn laughed, squeezing her into a hug.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened me, Bee!"

***

Salma sneaked in past the door and bit into her lower lip as she shut it close as softly as she could. The click sounded louder than she would have liked. Salma waited for a second or two.

Nothing. The television kept playing as usual and she could hear her mother and Anne chatting away in the kitchen. Holding a breath, Salma quietly removed her shoes and tip-toed towards the sitting room. She peeked around the corner.

It was empty.

Taking in a deep breath, Salma grabbed the bag more securely and shot towards the stairs.

"Salma!" her mother's surprised voice stopped her just a few steps away from safety. "You're back?"

Salma closed her eyes and made a crying face.

"Didn't hear you come in at all." Anne's voice added.

Salma turned around to face the two women looking up at her with interest. Did they really had to choose this instant to come out of the kitchen?

"Assalam o Alaikom." Salma forced a smile. "Yeah, just came back."

Anne smiled excitedly as she took a seat on the sofa.

"So where did you guys go today?" she asked.

Salma's insides froze. She looked between the two ladies, looking genuinely interested in her answer. Salma swallowed.

"Oh, just off to this spot near the park for a picnic." Salma waved, trying to sound casual and not think of the feel of Zayn's arms around her shivering frame. "And . . . yeah, and then he insisted on shopping," Salma finished with a shrug in a no big deal sort of a way. She started praying in her head that her nonchalance would suffice to avoid an awkward conversation.

Despite herself, her traitor cheeks blushed as images of their time spent by the stream barged to the surface of her mind. Salma shooed them away.

"Oh dear, that sounds horrible," Anne joked, referring to Salma's dislike for shopping.

"It was alright." Salma shrugged a shoulder again, shifting from one foot to the other, itching to leave. "I made it quick and he dared not question me."

Salma grinned, trying to appear her normal self, being cheeky and mischievous . In truth, the shopping was quick because Zayn had asked her to get herself a dry pair of clothes. Selecting a dress, she had quickly changed into it in the changing room and then rushed out not even letting Zayn finish his offer to buy herself some more.

"Show me what you bought?" Her mother eyed the bag in her hand with interest, taking a seat next to Anne.

Salma's heart sank. What she bought was what she was wearing. The bag was full of moist clothes.

"Sure," Salma said, running upstairs before they could stop her. "Just give me a minute!"

***

Zayn closed the door and leaned against it, a smile still playing on his lips. He chuckled at a memory as he took his shoes off and walked into the house. An inhuman scream scared the living daylights out of him, making him whip towards the source.

Claire was watching him wide-eyed, her hands grabbing her head, looking stunned. Unable to understand her fright, Zayn struggled to ask what had happened.

"You kissed her, didn't you?!" She jumped towards him with a manic smile, squealing. "That smile tells me you've kissed -- Come on, come on, tell me!"

Zayn closed his eyes and release the breath that he had been holding.

"Did you? You did, didn't you?" Claire continued.

Shaking his head at her in disbelief, he turned to the other idiot lodged on the sofa that was eagerly waiting for his confirmation. Niall quickly rearranged his features and turned back to his phone.

"You seriously told her?!" Zayn shot at him.

"Oh come on, tell me!" Claire grabbed his face and forced him to turn back to her. "Are you happy now?!" She jumped on spot, grinning. "You guys had your first kiss, didn't you? Who made the first move? Was it you --?"

"Yes to the first, no to the second and no to the third," Zayn replied then removed her hand pushing his face away from Niall. "Brownie, you're a gossipy rat's smelly rear."

"Why did I end up being a gossipy rat's smelly rear?" Niall scowled, as Zayn started going up to his room.

"Because you can't stop farting gossips out the rear!" Zayn shouted from upstairs.

"Did he just confirmed that they've kissed?!" Claire turned to Niall excitedly.

"No."

"But he said yes to the first."

"Your first question, in question, was if he was happy."

Claire's face fell.

"You second question was if he kissed and he said no and therefore the third no, as in, he didn't make the first move."

"Why?" Claire wailed in a dramatic display of desperation, as she plopped on the sofa beside him. "I am so invested and they don't even get a kiss scene!"

Niall chuckled.

"You should be happy, he confirmed he's happy," he replied.

"I want them to kiss," Claire wailed, staring at the ceiling moodily, then she raised her head and turned to him, a scheming, evil twinkle in her eye.

"No, Claire." Shaking his head, Niall instantly shot the idea down.

"Perhaps, they need a helping hand?"

"Bad idea!"

"Watch me do my thing, Flintoff." She rubbed her hands together. "After all, it's C for Claire playing Cupid."

Niall facepalmed and sighed as Claire jumped to her feet and disappeared.

"It's C for Claire playing stupid!" he called after her.

Author's Note:

Claire back in her ineffective role of playing the Cupid between the two. Let's hope it works out.

Having said that, there's something I meant to ask your opinion on. I recently got an offer from another reading app to put my book up on their platform. They pay a good amount for their exclusive contract but that means I have to take the book down from Wattpad. Readers can read it by either buying coins on that platform, or unlock chapters by watching ads. 50% of the revenue is supposed to be shared with the writer. It's a tempting offer, but . . . I don't know, what do you guys say? I like the idea of getting paid for my work - who doesn't lol. I put some serious hours into it - but I don't like the idea of putting my book behind a strict paywall, or contracts that will stop me from sharing or expressing as I please. Creative freedom is one reason why I made Patreon, to be honest. But it honestly doesn't pay me even a fraction of what they offer. I'm so confused V_V

In the meantime, drop by my Patreon and vote, comment and share!

Lots of love,

J.