19: In Love With A Dead Boy

"I fell in love with you 
Now you're my one, only one 
'Cause all my life I've been so blue 
But in that moment you fulfilled me 

Now I'll tell all my friends 
I fell in love with a dead boy 
Now I'll tell my family 
I wish you could have met him" - Anthony & The Johnsons (I fell in love with a dead boy)

I listened to so many Violate playlists on 8tracks and it inspired me so much. If you watch American Horror Story you know Violate is Tate & Violet's ship. Ugh I love them. Anyway enjoy! :) I finally figured out exactly where this story gonna go :D

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“Gem, are you sure your alright?” My mother asks from beside me in the back seat, she made Nick sit in front so she could examine every inch of me. I feel like i've heard that damn question too much lately, but as much as I want to say 'No, i'm not alright'

I won't... I can't. I am the definition of the perfect daughter to my parents. I'm never mixed up in any trouble, I don't party all night, drink, smoke, etc. The only sniffing of anything I ever do is when my nose is in between the pages of a book, and the aroma of the binding fills my senses, then drowning myself in it captivated by the words written on the pages.

So how am I supposed to tell them, that I feel an emptiness inside me that for some reason seems to fade out whenever he's around.

“Yeah I'm fine.. I probably didn't sleep well” I force a smile and my mothers eyes stare at me with a knowing sadness that can't be held. I look away briefly making eye contact with Nick in the passenger seat. His brows are furrowed and it's like he's asking me some unspoken question.

I nearly crack my head open against the damn window when Gemmy climbs out of the backseat with her mother.. And Nick quickly scurries to her side from the passenger seat. He's almost oblivious to the fact that this is my old home.. He's been here countless times, we sat in this very room talking shit about the people at school. But his main priority is Gemmy.. What is he doing here with her? Obviously they were together.. not alone. Thankfully.. Calm down. The Gemmy is what's important right now. She looks - not well.

I stand looking down at them all, like i've done for as long as I can remember and she is looking right at me. Running a hand through my hair, the breath is nearly kicked out of me, because although i've made myself invisible to Gemmy's aching stare she still manages to look right through me. I spread my fingers out and press my hand against the glass of the window. Holding her stare until she disappears into the house. Was she able to see me or was it just a habit of knowing this is the spot I always reside in?

“Nick.. stop asking if i'm alright, i've heard the question more times than I can count” I hear them ascend up to the second landing, stopping right outside the door.

“Right i'm sorry I just wanted to make sure-”

“I know. But i'm fine” she cuts Nick off mid-sentence and appears at the top of the stairs. She scans the room quickly and subtly. Walking further into the room to sit on the edge of her bed. She's looking for me..

“Shit” Nick stops where Gemmy stood not more than a few seconds ago. It's finally hit him.. His eyes gleam with the tears that begin to form. “Wha-” Gemmy began but quickly shut up, realization hitting her as well.

“Oh I- forgot to mention-”

“That you live in my best friends old house?” Nick interrupts walking toward me unknowingly. “God.. I haven't been up here since the night before..” he continues letting his head hang low after she remains quiet. I rest a hand on his shoulder to comfort him, even if he can't feel it. I wish things were different.. They can be.

The words travel through the air in a whisper. No doubt a trick by my father. It's stupid really, but his words have impacted my better judgement. They have stirred something within me that revives the hope once found by Gemmy and once lost again by me.

Although this is true I promised myself to bring out the truth from my dad and I will. So until the down set date of my “limited” time like he explained comes. I'll force myself to stay away from Gemmy. If I know my father, then I know he won't give up until I listen. He'll be forced to tell me everything.

I let out a shaky breath as I watch Nick stand in the exact spot Niall usually takes up. If it's not sitting on that damn window seat it's standing over it. Much like Nick is doing now. I wonder idly if having Nick here will bring him back to me – I mean bring him back in general. I know he's here.

It's strange really, I can't see or hear him but I just know he's here. I can sense him. Much like the first two days of having moved here. I knew there was something here, something unsettling yet welcoming at the same time. That describes exactly who he is. Niall is both unsettling and welcoming in the loveliest way. His insecurities mask the real him but they are also part of the real him. His timidness, the way his cheeks flush when he's over-thinking a situation or when he holds back a lot of what he really wants to say..

God i'm in deep.

Although his insecurities are welcoming in a way they are also his biggest unsettling trait. Because of his insecurities he pushed me away. It's stupid to be justifying his actions, considering his state of mortality. But his fathers revelation woke up the hope inside of me and even made my list of questions seem less important. If I am Niall's salvation I will do everything in my power to save him from himself. Don't be so selfless now..

I know I have much to deal with on my own and although my insanity weighs in the balance I am willing to risk it all for him. For myself. For us..

“I'm sorry..” I sigh as I take Nick's side for comfort. He tries to recover turning abruptly and nearly knocking me over.

“Shit Gem-” he half breathes my name as he catches me, securing his arms around me to hold me up. It crosses my mind briefly at how bad this might look and I almost push him away.. But the this might just bring Niall back.. His insecurities will push his jealousy over the edge.. At least I hope so.

I feel terrible about using Nick this way, it's a shitty thing to do but i'm desperate. “It's um okay” I sigh rest my hands on his chest as he sets me on my feet. My eyes scan around the room for a sign of him but so far nothing.. Maybe he doesn't care about me as much as I thought..

Nick's green eyes stare into blue, they're so glossy I can see my own reflection in them. He looks so vulnerable, he doesn't need me to play with his feelings like this.. I start to push him away just as he leans in slightly managing to brush his nose to mine. But the sound of my bookshelf falling to the floor brings us apart. Niall.

The way his arms wrap around her, the fact that he doesn't know what it's like to sit and watch her for hours and not be able to hold her. Like I did. This isn't fucking fair.

He has it easy. You don't know that.

Yes he does! He can touch her, be with her if she lets him.

This is why there is no use in hoping for a future. She can have one with Nick. You said you'd try. She doesn't want him.

The way her hands spread out across his chest say other wise. Fuck!

You can't give up, what if there is a chance?

Before I know it my fist comes in contact with Gemmy's bookshelf. The short rack of books come tumbling down to the floor along with the shelf. They jump apart, Nick instinctively hiding Gemmy behind his back. “What was that?” he looks around the room, passing me at least a dozen times. I despise that this makes me feel like I hate him when he is the one person who stuck by me then and if he could he still would now.

I stalk over to him losing every bit of self control. Much like the time I made the first move on Gemmy in her kitchen. Her eyes peek over his shoulder and they find mine, she gasps bringing Nick's attention back to her. “What is it? What's wrong?” he asks holding her by her shoulders. But her eyes never leave mine, and the hate and anger felt only moments ago is gone. My face remains twisted in anger and she merely nods her head 'no' “Don't” she mouths.

God, for her I'll do anything. I let my face relax and my lip trembles. I'm a slave at her feet there is no way I can stay away. I have no self control.

“Gemmy are you-”

“I'm fine! Just-” I attempt to cut him off but my aunt walks in just in time doing it for me. “Hold on” she sighs in annoyance into the phone and gives me a tight smile.

“It's your gramma, she says it's important” she holds the phone to her chest and I feel my brows furrow. What could she want? I don't have time for this, I love my gramma I've always been close to her but, I need to talk to Niall.. Instinctively my eyes fall upon his red rimmed blue eyes and sorrowful face standing waiting for me to go to him. I knew he would come back.. He does care, he loves you.

“I should leave you to it..” Nick mumbles, and gives me an awkward one armed hug before retreating down the stairs like his heels are on fire.

“Yeah hold on.” my aunt huffs the phone still to her ear as she approaches me. “Here-” she begins but my gramma Heather's voice can be heard through the ear piece. “No! Wait i'll call back in an hour” she explains, “I know your rolling your eyes at me Gene” my gramma's psychic ability kicks in just as my aunt does in fact, roll her eyes. She holds the phone to her ear once more, “Mom, your impossible” she sighs and hangs up before holding the device out to me once again. “Here babe, just bring the phone back when your done” I take it from her and stare at it for a beat, as I wait for my aunt Gene to disappear down the stairs.

“You came back” I whisper closing the space between us, holding back the urger to touch him.

“Only because I had to” he lowers his gaze from mine fidgeting in place. I wonder briefly if it's because he wants to reach out to me as well..

“Why did you find you had to come back?” a small smile threatens to take over my features. I hold it together and manage to mask it.

“Um – Nick-”

“what about him?” I press, knowing well he won't be confident to let it out. He needs the push..

“You” he sighs, running a hand through his hair and nibbling on his lower lip.

“I what?” I breathe, losing all moral thought. Forgetting briefly about today's events. I'm his salvation. Does he know? If he did he wouldn't have walked away..

I know him enough to know that this is true. His main concern is not being able to be with me the way it's supposed to be. I don't quite know how this all works but if I'm able to save him maybe a miracle could happen. Maybe..

“He was too damn close” he says through gritted teeth, not once looking me in the eyes. I bite my lip to keep from smiling this proves to me that his feelings for me are stronger than his self control.

“He's your best friend Niall. I would never do that to you.” I reassure him, and he finally looks at me.

“You were letting him up until I- up until I lost it” he shakes his head, his blonde locks tousled messily due to the several times his hands have run through it.

“But I-” I hesitate, the words nearly tumbled from my mouth. For a moment I let it sink in. I do. I love him. God I don't know how or when it happened but I feel it in every fiber of my being.

“I love you” I breathe and he stumbles back slightly.

“W-what?” he stutters, his eyes wide and a deep blue.

“I do Niall. I love you.” I repeat, only making it easier for me to accept. “You've only been gone a day and I've managed to cry until my ducts were dry. There are no tears left. All I kept thinking about was you and how I wanted you to see that this could work.. I won't lie to you, that for a second I doubted it much like you do. But I know now that, that's something I just can't accept. I have a new found hope Niall..” I rant, my voice barely audible and his eyes never falling from my own. The more I say it the more I know it's true.

Could we be so in sync that she has found the same new found hope that I have? The hope that my own father has planted within me? God hearing her say this swells me up inside, my heart aches for her. She loves me, I can't understand why.

Does she love me the way I love her? No never. No one can love the way I love – her.

“You don't mean that” I swallow the knot in my throat. I can't give in not until I get answers from my dad. As much as I want to I can't not yet, but I can't tell her that either. So I have to keep her as far from me as possible, no matter how much it hurts me – or her.

“I do. Why can't you see how wonderful you are to me?” She takes a step towards me and it kills me to have to take another step back. Her eyes gloss as their bright blue color dies a little more. The red and puffiness surrounding them - all the more visible with no bright light to mask it.

“I've told you why – I'm no good” I sigh.

“You haven't actually. You've only let your insecurities do the talking for you, but I don't really know why Niall. Yet I still love you. I know you love me too or else you would have let Nick kiss me. And if I didn't love you enough I would have let him” she takes another step towards me, her demeanor more assertive.

Her scent fills my senses and I screw my eyes shut cursing myself for not moving away from her. “I hate the way you know me more than I do, despite not really knowing me at all.” I sigh, closing the space between us but careful not to touch her. It's funny how at first I would do anything to touch her, but now I'm trying so hard not to. For both our sake.

“I do love you, you don't understand how much. Hell, I don't even understand it” I gulp closing my eyes briefly. “But no matter how much I love you, I can't stay. It's actually because I love you that I can't” I clarify and her hand falls to her side as soon as my eyes fly open.

I let my hand fall to my side, in a failed attempt to help bring him back to me. “Then you don't love me at all” I whisper, hearing the words come out of my own mouth shatters my insides. But I know that he does. I'm just trying to make him stay, to make him see. I want him to talk to me. My eyes slowly climb his figure, landing on his sorrowful face. He looks as if I've just slapped him across the face. And I feel it.

“Maybe your right” he sighs, his voice cracking slightly. My chest tightens and I know he's lying but it hurts like hell to hear him say it. “You don't mean that” I cry, tears that I though have dried up already roll down my face but he doesn't answer me. “I should go” he breathes and turns his back on me, literally disappearing down the stairs out of my room. “Yeah just walk away!” I cry, not once thinking about my family hearing me. I fall back onto the window seat and cry into my hands.

God this is so much harder than anything I've had to deal with. It's harder than my own internal struggle. I find a love that every teenage girl reads in books or movies, and it's managed to consume me. “Why?” I ask myself, and the phone begins to ring. I think twice about not answering, knowing that it's probably my gramma. But If I don't answer my family will come up here and see what's going on. All I want is to be left alone in my overwhelming love.

I swallow down the tears and pull myself together, at least enough to mask my heart ached over the phone. “Hi Gram”

“You don't have to pretend with me Gemmy” she answers me, and I gasp how did she know after only the two words i've said to her? “Gram I don't-”

“He's gone isn't he?” she interrupts, sighing over the line and it makes my heart pound against my chest. Is she talking about..? No, she can't be. She has to be talking about Nick, aunt Gene probably mentioned it to her. Yeah that has to be it..

“What? Nick my-”

“No baby, the one only you can see” she confirms my wild theories and I can't find the air to breathe. “Gemmy are you still there? Baby I need to see you” she sounds anxious, but I still can't find the words to answer her.