14: Unrealistic Ideas

On my way to school I couldn't keep my fingertips from tracing over my lips. The feel of his kiss doesn't seem to fade.. The mere thought of the kiss makes my lips tingle.. I never thought it would happen, I never thought I'd fall in like with someone who is well, not living.. How is that even possible? Throughout the whole time that Niall has come into my life I never stopped to ask myself how any of this is possible. I mean I have thought about it but I never try to figure it out. There's always this gut feeling that tells me this, whatever this is that I have with him, is okay.

Even though the whole idea of finally getting to physically reach out to him, is exciting. It just brings up the series of questions that remain unanswered. Starting from the beginning. How am I able to see him? I have asked myself this question time and time again, yet never thought to find the answer. I always get to the point where I think I'm just going crazy and it could all be some dream. But I have yet to wake up from this deep slumber. And why is it only me? This is a slightly more complex question.. Actually no everything that has to deal with Niall is complex. But I don't understand why it's only me.. “He needs someone like you...” The words that man who refuses to give me any information, replays in my head. But that's just it, what is it about me that Niall needs? I'm just a regular girl, with a passion for books, music, and fashion. What could I possible offer him that could help him in any way? Which brings up the most recent set of questions, how am I able to touch him? Why now? And is it permanent? I'd like to think it is.

The more answers I try to come up with the more questions I end up having.. I never asked for this to happen, but in a way I'm glad it did. I got the chance to meet an amazing guy, yes he happens to be dead, but no guy is perfect. And the saying holds it's truth, Niall is far from perfect but so am I. Although Niall holds so much in, although I feel like I can trust him, even with my heart.. There is still so much I need to learn about him. The fact that he opened up to me about his mom puts me a little more at ease. That was way more important than what I had originally planned tog et out of him. It's a part of his past, his life. She became depressed after his death, but what happened to his father? He didn't mention him for a second. Does he still live? If he does I need to make it my mission to find him. I can't manage to get any answers from Niall i'm sure his father will give them to me.

“Gemmy!” the obnoxious sound of Hollies voice pierces my dazed state. I look all around until I finally see her crossing the street surprisingly not accompanied by her clones, but with Robin. “Oh hey..” I offer a small smile as the come up beside me, “Hey Hey, How was your weekend? Robin say hi it's rude” Hollie sounds all too cheerful and I mentally roll my eyes at her bossy attitude toward her own boyfriend. That must be a great relationship.. “Good thanks yours?” I look down at my feet as we keep walking. “Oh yeah, Hey Gem” the tone of his voice makes me look up so I don't seem so rude. And when our eyes meet for a split second the slight gleam in his gaze makes me uneasy. “Hi” I mumble and go back to staring at my feet. “My weekend was good too! I spent most of it with Robin” Hollie admits proudly and I almost gag. “Nice..”

“Yeah, ha what about you? Have any boys over?” she bumps my shoulder with hers playfully, and I half choke on my own saliva. “No” I feel my cheeks flush as I'm forced to make eye contact with her. “Awww! Yeah you did! Your blushing!” She teases, and I swallow down my annoyance. “No really I-”

“So ..you have a boyfriend?” Robin asks randomly, and I look at him from the corner of my eye. “No I-”

“Oh you so do!” Hollie interjects and Robin sighs heavily but I'm the only one who seems to notice.. He's so weird..

The day drags on, as I sit perched on the bay window seat, only tearing my gaze from the beautiful sunlit sky to look over at the clock Gemmy assaulted only minutes before I felt the touch of her lips.. It's only noon. My mind has been racing with all the possible problems that can come from not only the kiss, but from the whole ability to suddenly touch her. I don't even know if the ability I have to touch her is permanent. If it's not she'll be devastated, even if she denies it.

I told myself this couldn't happen, and although I wish it could it wouldn't be fair. Not for Gemmy, she has a whole life ahead of her, I can't literally be the ghost that remains in her past, present and future. I'll stay like this for the rest of my after life and she'll grow older every year, she'll be sentenced to live her life like me if she chooses it. And that's something I don't want her to even consider. I want her to have the full life experience, like go to college, find a man that loves her right, and have a family. She can't have that with me.. I would just hold her back.

I have to stop this before it goes any further, I wouldn't care about going through the torture of having to let her go, but I could never put her through something like that. If her feelings are the same as mine, then I can't let her get hurt. Especially not over me. I don't really have a hard time understanding how and why she would have any feelings for me. Through all thats happened in the last few hours I still believe it's because she pity's me, that's all I was good for anyway. Receiving pity.. I mean why else would she like me?

What ever it is that makes her think she has feelings for me doesn't matter. If they are true and she feels exactly how she shows it, then I won't put her through any heart ache. “I can't stay..” I say to myself.

“Are you sure about that?”

I turn around to my fathers familiar face, although his intentions were of the best kind I can't help but feel a little angry at him for leaving me with my mother the way he did. I can't say I didn't see it coming though, but it still hurt to have to face my mother being in the state that she is, especially since it was my fault..

“Look who decided to show up” I retort as look back out the window. “Your upset with me?” he has the audacity to sound perplexed by this. Even though I can understand him, i've never really fought with him before about anything. We always just, got along. “Maybe” I sigh, I am but I'm not at the same time, so I prefer to stay quiet.

“If this is because of your mother I..”

“Don't” I interrupt him before he can go any further. “Alright well, Is there something else bothering you?” he takes a seat across from me as I watch a flock of geese fly across the sky. “Everything bothers me” I breath trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

“Tell me”

“I love her.. I don't know why and how it happened. I mean I know how, the day I saw her I was captivated by her beauty and as I watched her unpack her things, noticing the little things that gave away her hobbies. And watching her read off her tablet, she'd get so invested in the book that the little crinkle between her brows would deepen. I just I love her and it kills me...” I'm nearly out of breath when I finish my rant, the frustration out weighs the love I have for her and it drives me insane. Nothing I do will ever make up for my selfish decision. Not my regret or my sudden urge to live again. Not even wanting to be with Gemmy. I'm cursed to this hell that is my after life..

“Loving her doesn't seem like the end of the world” my full attention is on the one man who always knew what to say to me as a kid. Whenever I'd have a problem he'd know exactly how to resolve it. Now here he is telling me that me loving a living breathing angel isn't so bad?

“It's the end of my world because I can't fucking be with her” I say through gritted teeth but whether it's to hold back on the anger or the tears I'm not sure.. “Who says you can't? You can touch her now am I right?”

“You don't get it, everything I love and care about is always taken away from me some how. First you, then it was mom even though it was my fault.. But I would rather not be able to touch her and not get closer to her so she won't get hurt. Dad, she has her whole life ahead of her. I can't hold her back.. No matter how much it would kill me. I'd do it for her. ” I almost growl, this love I feel for her is consuming me, every piece of my being, every ounce of my heart is for her.. The scariest part is I never even realized it until now.

“I don't understand you son. One day your sulking over the fact that you can't touch her, that you would give anything to be with her. Now you say you don't want her because you'll hold her back?” he sighs in frustration, I bite my tongue as I watch my father turn a shade of red from anger. “That was before I realized she'd be better off without me. No, actually I always knew she'd be better off without me. It was her who made me believe it could be different..” I screw my eyes shut to keep the tears from falling.

“That's shit and you know it!” my father startles me, my eyes dart open to find his. His eyes as blue as mine turn to sapphire slits as he glares at me. I've never seen him this way, he's never been so angry with me. Come to think of it he never was angry with me...

“I have been watching you since the day I left you and your mother and I watched every day as you closed up like a clam. It isn't until now that I see you starting to open up and it's all because of her. She is good for you Niall, and your just as good for her.” His tone is calmer, more nurturing and it almost makes me crumble beneath his gaze. Just thinking about me being just as good for Gemmy as she is for me.. Have I really changed much because of her? I know i've said that she makes me want to be a petter person, she makes me want to live again. But it's not like I can do anything about that now.. “Even if that's true, there's nothing I can do to miraculously come back to life dad.. There's no point in pursuing this when there is no future to look forward to..” I sigh looking back out the window, this time the tears make their way down my cheeks as my dad gets up without so much as another word.

“You don't know that son.. Anything could happen” he whispers and as I turn around to ask him what he's talking about, he's gone..

As I head to my last period class I keep an eye out for Nick, but there's no sign of him. I haven't seen him all day, which for some reason bothers me. I thought him and I were, I dunno progressing.. I don't want to sit in the back of the class by myself, especially with Robin, Hollie's boyfriend looking back at me every 5 minutes..

Before I even realize it, my feet are taking me to the abandoned part of the school building to where the memorial of Niall still stands. I wonder idly if Nick will be there.. There is so much I want to ask him about Niall and their friendship. I don't want to push Niall by asking him myself, he's gone through so much.. From what he has told me and I know now how he died.. he was shot during a robbery at work.. It took me a while to piece it together after Nick had showed me the picture of him.. What I don't understand is why he's so hesitant in telling me how he died himself. In telling me anything that has to do with his death really.

I turn the corner and crouch under the barriers to the abandoned gymnasium, as I make my way over to the memorial I look around for Nick but again he's not here.. Might as well have a look at the lovely cards set out in Niall's memory. Nick does it all the time so why can't I?

“What are you doing?” I hear Nick's voice half echo just as I reach for the first card on the right. I retract my outstretched limb, as I fumble with the books in the right hand. “I was um-”

“Aren't you supposed to be in class?” he says dryly as he comes towards me, I take a step back as he reaches into the shrine to make sure things are in order. “Aren't you?” I retort, his eyes leave the glass case and land on mine only for a split second before he asks, “Where is it?”

“Wha-”

“The picture” his green eyes turn to slits as he glares at me. “I don't-”

“Your the only other person who knows this thing is still standing. Don't you dare lie to me” he takes a step towards me, and his towering height just barely intimidates me. Why do I want to be his friend again? “Did Hollie put you up to this? I swear if she did-” oh yeah, he isn't like Hollie and her clones. He's an outcast, he chooses to be a part from everyone else, like me.

“No, no. Hollie didn't put me up to anything. I think for myself, i'm not gonna be one of her clones. I don't even like her..” I rant in defense, and he stares at me, trying to asses if I'm speaking the truth. “Alright, I believe you. But why did you take my best friends picture?” And... here is where the lies come in. How do I tell him I moved into his best friends old house and some how I have the ability to talk to him? “I um, I sort of knew him” I stutter as I busy myself with finding a place to set my books. “And because you sort of knew him that gives you the right to take his picture?” he cocks a brow at me and I feel my cheeks flush, not able to muster up a response.

“Niall never mentioned you either”

“Well, I uh met him after he graduated from here” I only half lie, I mean I did meet Niall after he graduated... and died. “Oh” he simply remarks, his eyes scanning me up and down. I know he doesn't buy my story but it's all I've got, without sounding totally mental. “Maybe we should-” I begin so we can move on from the tension. “How exactly did you meet Niall?” he interrupts and I mentally scold myself, I should have known if he would ask questions.. “Um well..”

“Hey! You kids aren't supposed to be here, it's dangerous!” the middle aged man in cover alls calls to use from the end of the hallway. “Saved by the.. uh man?” Nick chuckles and it's the first time he's made an attempt to be friendly with me. “Aha yeah..”

“Let's go! Get to class!” the man bellows again. “Yeah yeah, we're going!” Nick calls back. “Let's go dive into history!” Nick mimics Mrs. Cassidy and the awkward tension is gone, replaced with genuine laughter.

***

After the last bell Nick and I wait for the heard of students to pour out of the class room. Robin being one of the last to leave. He takes a glance back at me, and for a second he looks angry.. But it just might be my mind playing tricks on me. “I hope this doesn't sound weird, but i'm glad we're starting to be friends?” I say in the form of a question. “When did I agree to be friends?” he says all too seriously as we walk out of the classroom. My smile fades as I try to gauge whether or not he's being serious. “I'm kidding” he chuckles, “you should have seen your face” I huff and roll my eyes at him as I walk ahead of him in the direction, i've seen him walk in. “Shouldn't you be going to find your bff Hollie?” he teases and I roll my eyes yet again.

I have paced around this room for hours since my dad left. I grew tired of sitting on the damned window seat. How can my father say what he said and not expect me to react like this? “Anything could happen” his words replay like a recording in my head. What the fuck does he mean by that? I know he can't be serious if it's what I think it means. I'm dead. There is no possible way that I can be brought back to life. Is there? No. This isn't something from a movie this is reality and in reality shit like this doesn't happen. Even though the mere thought brings a ping of hope, I know it's impossible. But what is it was...?

“Thanks” I hear Gemmy's voice coming from outside and before I can ponder anymore on the idiotic idea that I can come back into the world alive and breathing. I look out the window as I watch her walk up the drive way, the familiar car that has dropped her off dozens of times before speeds off as she makes it into the house.

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Sorry is it's short :( I tried but I didn't wanna drag it out. Also sorry if it's developing slowly, I just don't want to rush this story or make it short so bare with me <3 Trust me I know how you feel about finding out what happens next, lol I wish I could just skip to the end myself but I can't I have to plan and develope it first :x Anyways, thanks for reading <3 don't forget to vote ily :)