12: A Daydream Away

And I'll keep you a daydream away

Just watch from a safe place

So I never have to lose – A Daydream Away by All Time Low

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I sit on the floor beside the window seat, since it was occupied when I got back from seeing my mother. I came in to find Gemmy fast asleep in the very same spot I sit in all day and night, I wanted so badly to move her so she could be more comfortable. I know she'll be sore when she wakes, but I can't really do much about it.. The best I could do was cover her with a light blanket so she wouldn't get cold.. “Niall” she sighs in her sleep and I look up as the moonlight shines bright through the window highlighting her beautiful face. She must be dreaming, but by the looks of it, it isn't a nightmare.. Thankfully it isn't especially if she's mumbling my name in her sleep.. I don't know how I'd react if my face ever haunted her dreams.. She hasn't had any nightmares since that night.. The night where I thought I had felt her warmth under my fingertips.. It must have been my imagination, but how could she feel it too? I wish it was real, maybe it could have been permanent and I could have come back, in the state that I was and she could have offered me the hug that I so desperately need..

I push the from my head, I don't want to give myself false illusions. Nothing can ever really happen between us, not only because I can't really feel her.. But because we don't really know each other. She doesn't know me.. I'm sure if she knew all about my fucked up past she'd want nothing to do with me. And if I want to keep her close, then keeping my past from her is the only way. It's an entertaining thought that she actually dreams about me, and I'd like to think it's because she might like me. But why? Maybe she's just curious about what I am, and that draws her to me, mere curiosity..

Either way, I'll never have a chance to find out if i'm right or wrong, for now I think keeping at a distance is best.. Unless my own feelings eat me alive.. I study every inch of her features as I watch her sleep, a small crease between her brows makes my mouth turn up into a half smile. Her blonde hair is tied in a messy bun, and her lashes are fanned out over her slightly flushed cheeks. She never ceases to amaze me, she looks beautiful at all times, almost god like..

“Shh it's gonna be okay” I cry along with him as the blast of emotion wakes me from my deep slumber and I sit upright trying to assemble my thoughts and remember where I am. When I look around my eyes instantly land on Niall who happens to be watching me with swollen eyes and a small smile. “You alright?” his voice is low and soft, it makes the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up and the fact that I had dreamt yet again that I could wrap my arms around him, makes my heart ache a little. It felt so real.. I can't make out my dreams from reality at the moment, was that guy part of the dream as well?

“Yeah fine” I wrap the blanket that I imagine he threw on me, tighter and rub a hand on the back of my sore neck, this window seat is not comfortable at all. “I thought you'd be sore” his bright blue eyes glow in the dark, the sadness in his stare makes me rip my gaze from his. Does my dream have any truth behind it? He looks just as he did in my sad yet wonderful dream, the only difference is that I have no idea why he's so upset.. He has to be upset, just look at the state of him. His eyes look small from crying, as streaks of dried tears highlight his slightly flushed cheeks. “Here” he shakes the small bottle of Advil and tosses it to me, landing in my lap. I open the cap and spill out two tablets in the palm of my hand, “Um I-”

“Got it” his voice is hoarse as he hands me a bottle of water, he's all too caring.. I down the pills with a few chugs of the water bottle as the room falls into silence, but it isn't awkward. “Niall?” I squeak and he stops staring blankly at his hands in his lap, “Yeh?”

“Are you alright?” I ask as I get up with my blanket still wrapped around me and take a seat beside him on the floor. “Yeh, fine Gemmy” he tries to stifle a smile but drops his gaze from mine. “Your lying” I sigh, I told myself I would get information out of him, and I will. Although it's not the type of information I had planned to get out of him but I know this is much more important.

“No I-” his eyes find mine.

“Niall.. I want you to be honest with me. We're, friends right?” he holds my stare, “Yeh. We're friends..” he sighs and lowers his gaze once more.

Although I tell myself not to think further into my feelings and the possible feelings Gemmy might have, I hate to hear her use the word 'friends' I mean I know we are but when we have those long talks during the night, much like this one I sort of just forget, it feels like so much more because for some reason I feel so connected to her. She's almost like my life line, she makes me want to be happy, she makes me want to live again. Although I know that's something that in unattainable.. “So then why can't you talk to me, I mean really talk to me” she sighs and I can hear the frustration in her low voice. “It's late you should get some proper rest” I stand and try to walk out of the room. “No Niall, talk to me or this will be the last time we ever speak” she whispers harshly, my heart jumps at the thought of having to watch her again in silence, knowing I can talk to her but she won't answer..

When I turn to face her she wears a deep frown and the crease between her brows has deepened. I told myself I wouldn't tell her my past.. But she isn't asking about your past.. I know she's asking if i'm okay and i'm not but everything that has to do with my mother has to do with my past.. And if I give her some information she'll expect more the next time, and the time after that.. Until she pulls the whole story out of me, if she doesn't piece it together herself.. “Gemmy..” I sigh as I walk towards her, the proximity between us is menacingly close and I wish I could close the gap. Wrap my arms around her, touch my lips to hers.. but I can't and never will.. “I know something's wrong now tell me..” her breathing is shallow as her eyes look up from the rising and falling of my chest with each breath I take.

As I stare in her bright blue eyes that mirror my own, I know that she will keep her word and not talk to me for who knows how long.. until eventually I disappear completely for her.. I should tell her the major points without so much detail..

***

I can't contain the heavy tears that pour out of my eyes like rain as Niall finishes telling me about his adventure and going to see his mother. At first I was proud of him for taking the risk in actually leaving his comfort zone but once he said he found himself in his mothers room.. and described the state she was in, I couldn't hold back. I joined him in his sadness and what really surprised me was the fact that he said she saw him and she touched him.. “I'm so sorry Niall.. I never would have imagined..” I swallow the knot in my throat as he wipes away the tears he had spilt. “The worst part is that I feel just as guilty or even more guilty than before.. I didn't-” he stops himself and looks at me, “I couldn't have prevented what happened..” he lowers his gaze from mine and I wish I could reach across to him as we sit face to face, crossed legged on the way window seat. I still can't understand how it is he was able to hug his mother, hold her hands, and wipe away the tears from her eyes. It can't be something he can control can he? “But at least you got that burden off your chest Niall.. You did what was right, you put her conscious at ease..” I fiddle with my hands, that are eager to take his hand in mine.. “Yeh.. I just hope she realizes it really happened and she listens to my advice.. I don't ever wanna see her like that again..” he sniffs and rubs his eyes once more. “I'm sure she will..” I half smile, willing him to look up at me, my hand was already making it's way to his before I stopped midway and awkwardly left it there, just centimeters from his knee.

I managed to evade all talk of my lack of respect of my own life and excluded all talk of my father, as I explained the encounter with my mother to Gemmy. My eyes watch as she struggles to keep her hands busy and try not to reach out to me, it makes me feel happy that she wants to reach out and comfort me with more than just words. But she can't, we can't.. How is it that I was able to hug my mother, and hold her hands in mine.. but I can't seem to do that with Gemmy..

“Do you know what I don't understand?” I gulp as I rest my left hand on my knee, and watch how close our hands are. “W-what?” she tears her eyes from the almost contact of out hands, “How we can't seem to touch.. but I was able to with my mother..” the thought reminds me of the time I saved Gemmy from falling down the stairs.. “Me either..” her cheeks flush in the dim light of the rising sun.

“But we did touch once..” her eyes find mine, as she looks at me with a perplexed expression. “The night I had the nightmare..?” she squeaks and my heart jumps, she did feel it then.. “Yes maybe even before then..” I inch closer to her so our knees almost touch, and I place my hands in my lap. “I don't-”

“Do you remember the day you first arrived? And you almost fell down the stairs?” I ask as I fiddle with my fingers, my low self confidence doesn't allow me to look her straight in the eyes. “Yeah” she sighs heavily and I can just hear the thumping of her heart against her chest. “Well I- um stopped you from falling..” I look up quickly to find her listening intently as she replays the memory in her head, and a and moves up to cover her mouth. “That was you?” her blues eyes shine bright, and I nod. “How?” she breathes, “I dunno, I just remember.. I didn't want you to get hurt... and I just really wanted to prevent anything from happening and to you.. so I just sort of held my arms out to catch you and I did.. I half expected it not to work, but it did..” I wonder if I want it as bad as I wanted it then, maybe it would work.. “Wow I- thank you..” she stares into my eyes, “Gemmy, do you want to um- try?”

“What like try to touch you?” I try not to seem so eager to day yes, It's all I want right now. I want to be able to comfort him properly, to make him feel better.. Just be there for him. “Yeh, I mean maybe if I want it and if you want it bad enough it could work?”

“Okay” I breathe without so much as a second thought. “Okay..” he sighs, and he holds his left hand out to me, his palm out. I raise my right hand and place it directly in front of his, “Maybe we should close our eyes..” I suggest and he agrees nodding his head. “Try to want it bad enough..” he reminds me and he doesn't have to tell me twice.. I would have loved to try to hug him but I guess we have to start somewhere..

My mind wanders back to my past, as all the terrible moment replay in my head all leading up to this moment. I've never wanted something so much in my life.. In life I wanted nothing more than to die, and now not only do I want to live but I want to be able to feel the soft touch of Gemmy's skin.. As selfish as the thought is this is the only good thing that has come out of my death.. Finding her.. I slowly inch my hand closer to hers and it isn't until I hear the sound of her gasp that my eyes shoot open and find hers staring at the contact of where our hands touch..

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Sorry for any errors i'll fix em later(: