10: Looking for answers

“What are you- dad.. I can't..” I stopped following him when he got to the front door, I knew what he was going to do next. He was going to walk outside and expect me to follow him. But I can't, I spent a whole year behind the walls of this structure I once called my home. I never attempted to leave because truthfully I have nowhere to go. I'm not even sure if I can leave.. “Yes you can son. C'mon” he waved me over with a smile, I hesitated but before I knew it I was taking a step outside. The fresh air invaded my senses and for a second I felt a little bit alive. But can I even leave the yard? I've never attempted any of these things because I know there's a reason why I never found peace, a higher power has sentenced me with the punishment of walking amongst the living.. So why would I be give the privilege to leave the walls of my old home? I should be thankful enough that I can even talk to Gemmy, but that's a punishment on it's own. I can talk to her but never know if her skin feels as smooth as it looks, if her hair is as soft as it falls down her back.. I will never know if her lips taste as sweet as they appear..

“See that wasn't so hard, was it?” My father brought me back form my torturous thoughts.

“Where exactly are we going?” I ignored his question. “It's a surprise” he smiled and began walking. I followed behind slowly and when I got to the edge of the drive way I stopped. “What's wrong?” he asked when he realized he had left me behind. “Am I- I mean can I leave the yard?” I felt almost stupid for asking, does my father even have ties to a higher power? He has to if he's here.. And that same higher power is keeping him from telling me what he knows. “Of course you can, you just never tried.. You could have left all this time if you wanted to” he answered my unspoken thoughts, and started walking ahead as I took yet another first step into the world I had been so desperate to get out of.

We walked in silence as I watched people pass right by me, not noticing me or my father for a second. As we came to a stop at the corner, my dad looked at me over his shoulder and I was curious to why he had stopped. Are we far from where ever it is we're going? If it is how will we get there?

“So how-” I began to speak my mind but I was cut off, “Take my hand” he instructed and I took it reluctantly, it brought me back to the memory of when he used to take me to the park to play soccer. I was only about 7 or 8 but that day is still fresh in my mind. “Ready?” He asked bringing me back from my memory I looked at him confused, ready for what? I was beyond confused.. My dad chuckled slightly never breaking eye contact with me and before I knew it we were no longer on the corner of our old block. We were standing in front of the local hospital..

“Dad..” I began to oppose.

“Trust me” he reassured and he started heading towards the entrance.

Niall and Nick were best friends ? Why didn't he tell me? We talked about Nick last night and he acted completely surprised by the information like it was all new to him. Why would he keep this from me? “What's wrong?” Nick broke through my clouded thoughts. “Nothing.. he just looks familiar” I cleared my throat and a crease formed between his brows. “Maybe you knew him” he shrugged not looking to surprised or eager for information like I was. “Maybe.. um what was his name?” I was solely asking to further confirm that this was Niall, I mean he's identical it must be him.. “His name was Niall..” He tensed a little and would not keep my stare. Even as I hear the words come out of his mouth I still find it hard to believe.. I mean I know Niall went to school here but.. I dunno I guess I keep forgetting he's not just my little secret, well he is but he did exist once.. “How long did you know each other?” I gulped as my heart rate started decreasing... I wonder if he can tell how anxious I am. What if he can tell I can see him? No that's impossible, the whole situation is impossible when it comes to Niall.. “Since I was a sophomore here.. He was a senior so I guess one school year but we always kept in touch after he graduated.. Hung out and stuff” he cleared his throat and wiped his nose, his eyes looked as glossy as before and I knew he was struggling to keep the tears back. They must have been really close if he's still so shook up about it.. “Oh, that's nice” is all I could think I say and I felt so insensitive. But the whole thing was news to me, I need to have a serious talk with Niall. We've been talking for hours on end during the dark hours of the night but I still don't know much about him.. I've held back on asking him the details of his death because I thought he'd tell me when he's ready but I'm curious.. And he kept Nick a secret from me, if he was his best friend why keep him a secret?

Nick and I sort of stood in an awkward silence up until the bell rang and the sound of the several students begin to fill the halls. “I should go” he mumbled and began walking backwards, “right me too..” I half smiled and we almost walked out together until we separated down different hallways and disappeared into the crowd.

My father lead the way down several halls and past dozens of people, none of them noticing us. I passed three exits and I was debating whether or not to run back home, but how ever it is we got here prevents me from finding my way home.. This is the hospital they took my mother to after she had reached the peak of her depression.. That was my fault. But I don't know if i'm ready to see her, I don't think I can take the guilt.. Why would he bring me here? Is he trying to prove something, because he's wasting time. I already know I was a selfish prick to not fight for my own life. To leave all the people that to me, I thought never cared.. Even the ones I thought who did care, I didn't bother to consider. I took the easy way out and here I am paying for it, watching people live their lives and falling for a girl who I will never have..

“Niall..” My dads voice sounded miles away, through the ringing in my ears, we had come to a stop outside of what appears to be my mothers room.. Has she aged much in just a year? I highly doubt it but when your as depressed as she was or is it can take a toll on your body. I remember how bad it got, the first few months after my death I watched as she started wasting away. She stopped tending to herself, no more make up, no more showering, eating, she never even left her bed unless she had to use the bathroom. I had ruined her, and all I could do was watch, I couldn't tell her I was still there. I would yell and scream so she could hear me but she never could.. “It's not your fault son.. She just couldn't take losing the both of us..” he swallowed hard as he put a hand on my shoulder, I wiped away the tears that had fallen as I thought of the horrible memory. “Go ahead” he ushered me in conveniently as a nurse was coming out from giving my mother her medication.

“I can't” more tears were falling, my dad was on the verge of crying himself. “Yes you can now go” he pushed me in slightly before I could stop him, “Will she be able to see me?” I asked as I turned around but he had disappeared. Shit..

I walked slowly into the room not sure if my mom was going to be able to see me or not.. I don't think it'd be healthy for her if she were but with my luck she probably can.. I took in her surrounding, disappointed by the plain white walls that probably didn't help with her illness. A vase full of dead flowers sat on the nightstand beside her dreary looking hospital bed. The room lacked color and any source of happiness, and there my mother sat, at the edge of her bed, just staring out the window. But the view was disrupted by the thick bars that kept her in. Her short blonde hair, looked dirty and dull. She clearly doesn't bother to look her best anymore, I remember she used to take hours to get ready. In the mornings she used to wake up at 3 just to make sure she looked alright and even then she still wasn't fully satisfied. I approached her and stood right by her, as I took in her side profile. I almost choked on a sob, she had bags upon bags under her eyes, from either lack of or too much sleep, or crying. The white hospital robe that covered her thin body was too small, and the sleeves were too short, revealing her wrists I saw welts. Like she had rubbed them until she broke skin agains some restraints.. Her eyes were dull and had little to no life in them, she almost resembled me in living form. I was her on the first few months of realizing I couldn't cross over..

I took a seat beside her, the bed was so worn out I barely sunk in.. “M-mom” I croaked as I attempted to put a hand over hers but of course she didn't feel me. She just kept staring out the barred window.. Tears rolled down my cheeks like an open faucet as I kept blaming myself for what she was going and is still going through.. My dads passing caused her a great sadness, she forgot how to function, she forgot how to be a mother. All she could do was work and work.. And I resented her for it then.. But now I understand, I caused her to go over the edge, I was so fucking selfish she needed me just as much as I needed her.. But the both of us forgot we were their for one another. Yes, we were both in pain and suffering, but in both our suffrage we could have come out brighter. Those who were once happy together, cry together, fix one another..

“Niall..” her voice was hoarse as her gaze was fixed on the view outside.. and I blinked away the tears. I couldn't believe she just said my name..

My mission was to find Niall and make him tell me everything, as I walked into the house I knew my parents weren't home. I set my things down on the kitchen table as I went for a bottle of water before going up to face Niall. As I was gathering my things once more to head upstairs there was a note on the table from my mom, but beside it was the new phone she promised she'd order me.. I didn't even bother to read the note I knew it said something along the lines of, “I promised didn't I? Take care of this one, cause there wont be another one. Love mom x”

Taking the phone in my hand along with the rest of my things I hurriedly made it to my room. “Niall?” my voice echoed through the room but there was no answer, where could he be? I know he never leaves, or is he even allowed to? I decide i'll wait a few minutes, maybe he's just playing a joke on me or something. Setting my bag down on my bed I reach into the inside pocket and pull out the picture of Niall. After my last class I managed to ditch Hollie and her clique to go take it.. Nobody but Nick know's it was there, well others probably know but they must assume the shrine was destroyed because of the storm that caused the tree to crush the building. I took the photo and my water and went to sit in Niall's usual spot near the window. I smiled as I stared at the blonde haired boy in the photograph, he looks so different, I mean in a way he looks the same but he doesn't at the same time.. The boy in the picture looks happy so full of life, a huge contrast from the lonely, and mopey blonde who saunters around my house. I wonder what his life was like, from the picture he looks like he genuinely enjoyed it until it was taken from him in that robbery.. He must have had lots or friends, judging by the several little cards and stuffed bears left at his alter in the school. He probably had lots of girlfriends as well.. I mean he is just too cute.. Both in an adorable way and a full out just attractive way, those girls were lucky..

Briefly my mind goes back to the day he cornered me in the kitchen knowing that he had no way of touching me. Yet, he managed to do it, he touched my heart.. he knew exactly what he was doing and since that day my dreams all revolve around him.. Or they did up until that man who says he's my “Friend” invaded them.

“You miss him?” the familiar male voice causes me to look in the entrance to the room. It's him.. the man from my dreams.. how is he? Did I fall asleep? “How are yo- Am I dreaming again?” I jolted up from my seated position, “No Gemmy your not” he sighed giving me a half smile. Who the hell is this guy?

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I made it as long as I could :) sorry if the story is a little dull right now, I write it as I go and I just get ideas and I just wanna set up the plot really well :) anyway enjoy x

Btw, please go check out my new 5sos fic :) it's called Don't Wish