Chapter 84: Chapter Twenty-three

Alyssa

The sheet of paper was blank. I know Demetri was trying to give me my space so I could write my letter. But I honestly had so many regrets with Brady, I didn't even know where to start.

It felt like my heart was going to explode the minute Demetri mentioned the word regret. It was like he could see right through me when his gaze met mine.

I was too ashamed to look at him.

I knew there was still this invisible chord that held my soul connected to Brady's, even though he wasn't here.

My hand shook as I clenched the pencil between my fingers. My knuckles turned white from the pressure. Sighing, I wrote one word. And in that one word every regret fit beneath.

Living.

I regretted living. Every damn day.

Staring at the word made me nauseous. All the memories flooded back — his smile, his laugh, his cocky attitude.

Everything was so real in my mind, it was almost as if he was there with me on the couch. He should have been there. Suddenly angry, I wrote another word on my paper.

Hate.

I hated that he was taken from me when he was so young. I hated that I was forced to live with this grief.

A tear slid down my cheek, and with shaking hands I wrote down another word.

Virginity.

Something he never got the chance to take from me. One of the many things I was never able to give him. He wouldn't let me. He said I was too young. Brady always refused to talk about sex.

I knew he'd had sex. He wasn't exactly a saint, but I admired that he didn't pretend to be. He was always freakishly honest about the temptation of being the star quarterback.

Girls threw themselves at him the way girls threw themselves at Demetri, except in ridiculously smaller doses. He had dated a lot of girls before me.

“Why can't we?” I begged. Okay, begging was so lame, but I loved him, didn't he love me too?

“Believe me.” He laughed. “I would love nothing more, but you're so young, Alyssa.

“You need time to figure yourself out, and if in the end I'm still the one you want, then I'll gladly take you up on that offer. But until then…” He sighed and kissed me on the cheek.

“I just can't do it. Not when you don't know about my past, about everything. It just wouldn't be right.”

“So you're rejecting me?” I slid away from him and looked out the window of the truck as a tear ran down my cheek.

He cursed and pulled me back into his arms, even though I fought him every inch of the way. “Stop crying,” he said gently.

“Your truck doesn't have a backseat.”

“You know what I mean. Look at me, Alyssa.”

Begrudgingly, I turned and glared.

He laughed. “Remind me never to piss you off.”

“You're pissing me off now.”

“Alyssa.” He moaned and then kissed me lightly on the lips. “Let me put it this way. I'm not ready to take that from you yet. You know my reputation before I met you.

“I just couldn't live with myself if I messed up a good thing. And what we have is more than good. Okay?”

I nodded. I mean, I understood, I guess. I just felt semi-rejected that he hadn't wanted me. But maybe this was more.

“I want it to be me.” Brady cursed and shook his head. “You have no idea.

“And I don't know what's holding me back other than my own hang-ups and the fact that you look so damn innocent sitting there.

“But in the end… if something ever happened, I don't know, at college, or if you decided you didn't want to be with me anymore.

“Don't be silly.” I rolled my eyes and kissed him firmly on the mouth. “We'll be together forever.”

I glanced up at Demetri through watery eyes. He was patiently standing in the kitchen pretending to be immersed in reading a magazine while we all poured our hearts out.

What would his paper say? I looked down at mine again and sighed. Would his letter be to his ex-girlfriend? One thing was for sure. I didn't want him to read my paper.

It would kill him and I couldn't hurt him. He didn't deserve the hurt that came with being associated with me. Yet, I craved him, cared for him, needed him more than I was ready or willing to admit.

Was it selfish that I held on to him? All the insecurities of the night before came flooding back.

I stood and walked over to him. His eyes snapped up and that devastating grin, the one that made me want to wrap my arms around him and never let go, appeared on his face. “Finished?”

“Yes.” I folded my paper and put it on the table. “You're right. It was good to write some things down.” Even though it almost killed me to admit any of the things I just admitted.

“Say it again.”

“It was good to write some things down?” I grinned, enjoying the way he was trying to tease me out of my sadness.

He scowled and shook his head, this time leaning down and whispering in my ear, his lips moving just against the tip causing butterflies to shoot through my stomach. “The other part.”

“You're right?”

“Damn straight, I'm right.” His tongue touched my ear and flicked it before he sucked for a few seconds then abruptly pulled back.

Bob cleared his throat and glared at us. Thankfully, everyone else was still immersed in their note writing, and I was ready to fall into a puddle at Demetri's feet.

How did he make me feel so crazy? For a brief second, I forgot all about the note I just wrote about regrets. My body reacted to Demetri the way that electricity reacts when a live wire is exposed.

I just wasn't sure if Demetri was willing to share me with someone who was dead. I wasn't sure if I would share me. Was I really worth it all in the end?

Or would he tire of my emotional breakdowns like everyone else did? Would he constantly wonder about where my thoughts were? When he kissed me, would he think I was wishing it was Brady?

“Penny for your thoughts.” Demetri grabbed my hand and kissed it.

“My thoughts are worth more than a penny.” I argued.

His face turned serious. “Believe me, I know. I just hope one day I'll be able to afford them.” He gave me a sad smile and went back to the chair where he began gathering the pencils and papers.

The rest of the group sat down. Sam looked like he had been crying as he wiped his eyes and sighed. Connor looked just as bad, if not worse.

I could guess what he wrote, something about regretting driving that night or even possessing a license.

Aaron and Holly were sad too, but I think most of their grief came from something unrelated to Brady and the accident. Aaron kissed Holly's head and sighed heavily.

Demetri took everyone's papers. “I'm not going to read these. They're private. Between you and what you regret. But if anyone's willing to share, I think it would be really cool.”

Holly spoke up. “I lost my baby.”

Aaron held her tightly as she began to softly cry. “In high school I got pregnant and I had a miscarriage. It was really hard and… well, it almost destroyed my relationship with Aaron.”

Aaron cleared his throat. “It was a Friday night. I was angry at Holly. She had been drinking and instead of staying with her at the party I ran off.”

I listened intently as Holly continued where Aaron left off. “I was so upset he would abandon me that I slept with one of the football players.

“I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of football season. I told Aaron and he threatened to kill the father. But I refused to tell him who it was.

The room fell silent. Holly choked back a few more tears. “It felt good. To write that letter. To talk to Aaron about it. I feel better. Thanks, Demetri.”

Demetri smiled warmly. “Anytime. And don't worry, the first time Mrs. Murray asked me to do this I cried for days.

Everyone laughed nervously.

“Let's plan to meet in a few more days. I want all of you to think about regrets this week. Live your life as if each moment is your last. This isn't about going crazy. It's about appreciation.”

Suddenly Demetri seemed so much older than I. He had gone through a lot in his life, and it showed in the way he spoke about regret, about living.

If there was one thing I was confident about, it was that Demetri knew how to live, and I desperately wanted to follow in his footsteps.