Chapter 25: Chapter Twenty-Five

Demetri

The hardest part about loving someone? Not knowing if they love you in the same way. I mean, how do you measure that type of thing? You can't. I couldn't measure it.

All I knew was that every time I saw her, my heart leapt, it physically pushed against my chest. I mean, that wasn't normal, right?

And then I would get all nervous and I don't know, I just, I mean I just wanted to touch her. Was that weird?

That I needed her touch so desperately that I'd forgo kissing, sex, anything just to have her skin pressed against mine? However brief it may be?

Nat was in the middle of the dance floor still staring at the stage.

“May I have this dance?” I whispered in her ear, wrapping my arms around her body. Man, that dress was beautiful. I wasn't one of those guys that usually go super tongue-tied, but damn, my tongue?

Tied. So tied it was ridiculous.

Nat surprised me by turning around in my arms and throwing herself against my chest. “Why didn't you tell me you were coming?”

“I wasn't sure I could.” I held her, memorized her, and kissed her mouth softly. “I found out around noon that I could make it up here, but I've gotta fly back out in a few hours.”

“You flew here for me?” She gulped.

I laughed and nuzzled her neck. “I would do anything for you. Don't you see that already?”

Immediately her eyes fluttered closed, and when she opened them, they weren't on me, but across the room at my brother. Well, that was as much of an answer as anything.

They didn't sleep together, but did he kiss her? Did he touch her? Would I blame him even if he did?

Because no matter what I did with Nat, no matter how much of my heart I gave her, it still wasn't enough.

When she looked back at me, it wasn't with love, but hate, rejection. Shit. I knew that look; I basically created that same look.

My heart sank.

I didn't plan for it to happen.

To fall in love so fast and just assume she felt the same way.

Instead, she fell in like with me. And in love with my brother. Relationships were built on like, but love? With him in my life constantly? Eventually she would stray.

I'd always look over my shoulder. I'd always wonder.

Was I selfish enough to push it? To push her until she broke?

She sighed heavily into my chest.

“Baby, what's wrong?” I laughed and kissed her forehead, trying to get her to relax.

Nat shrugged. “I just miss you, that's all.”

“I miss you, too.” I felt my body lighten up. Hope. There was still hope. Desire was evident in her eyes. My mouth descended, covering hers. Her kiss was so welcome, so open, so… inviting.

That I had to wonder. Was she swaying? Was she finally realizing I would be everything for her?

Her tongue flicked mine, I groaned, my arms coming around her, and then I was lifting her off the floor, twirling her in circles, kissing her like my life depended on it.

“Can we go?” she asked when I pulled back.

“Are you sure?” I suddenly felt nervous. Why did we need to go? I mean, she came with Alec. Not that I was against being alone with her, but being alone meant we'd be like… alone alone.

“Yes.” She bit her lower lip.

I sighed, mainly because I knew that it could go either way. Nat could give in to me—once and for all. Or finally prove to me that she wasn't ever mine to begin with. But Alec's all along.

“Your carriage awaits.” I tucked her arm in mine and led her outside.

“You look hot tonight, Nat.” I gave her a seductive grin, one that hopefully made her realize that being alone with me probably wasn't the best idea she'd ever had—not in my current mood.

Not when I wanted to take her. For myself.

“Where are we going?”

“Where do you want to go?”

Nat shrugged. “I just want to be with you.”

My heart damn near leapt out of my chest and landed on the car—that's how happy that one sentence made me. I squeezed her hand and drove up to the beach house. It was dark.

When we walked in, I flipped on a few lights and threw my keys onto the table then swept Nat into my arms and murmured.

“I heard you slept in my bed?” I continued walking her backwards up the stairs until she was against my door. With a wink, I opened it and led her in.

“It's possible.” She grinned.

“Did you wear my clothes too?” I teased.

“Yup.”

Damn, I groaned out loud. I didn't think she'd actually say “yes,” and now all I could concentrate on was hunting down those same clothes and putting her back into them again.

“Ah, you are killing me, girl.” My finger threaded through her hair. “You're so damn beautiful, Nat. And you don't even know it. You don't see what everyone else sees.

“The sun?” she repeated.

“I want to revolve around you.” My voice shook. I'd never been so obsessed with a girl, so careless with the way I felt—she made me want to be careless.

I felt myself stumble a bit as I latched my mouth onto hers. Was I that much of a lightweight now? I'd had two shots before our performance. The first alcohol I'd had in weeks.

Not that it was any of her business or Alec's. I was in complete control.

Except… I kind of liked it too much.

And then there was that whole situation with Angelica stuffing something in my pocket when I left for the airport.

The something just happened to be oxy, with a note that said, “More where that came from.”

Um, it came from the devil, so pretty sure it was laced with poison, but still. It was burning a hole through my pants. Swear the drug sang to me.

It sang to me in times like this when everything was too much—when all I could feel was her. When I wanted to be numb, and dive back into that protective shield drugs gave me.

Slowly, I moved my hands to the back of her dress and found the zipper, tugging it downward.

She kissed me back, curving her body into mine as she tried to match each kiss, each flick of my tongue, each placement of my hands as my fingers dug into her flesh.

Her kisses were strange. She'd kiss me like she wanted to have sex with me, then she'd all of a sudden freeze, and then kiss me again, and then freeze.

Hell, my tongue and other parts of my anatomy were extremely confused and frustrated. Sexually frustrated.

“No.” She pushed against my chest. I backed up and cursed as her expression turned guilty.

“Sorry, Nat. I didn't mean to get out of control.” I didn't want her freaking out. If she wanted to wait we'd wait. I probably wasn't in the right mind for that sort of thing anyways.

It just… naturally happened with me. “Nat, damn.” I tugged the dress back up and set her back. I'm sorry, I'm just used to more. I'm sorry.”

“Demetri, you're fine.” She kissed me briefly on the cheek and pulled me into a hug. “It got out of hand, it's fine.”

It wasn't fine.

She slept in my bed.

Wore my clothes.

Was alone at night with Alec.

Could I trust him? Did I trust her? Even when her mouth made me believe she wanted me—her eyes. Those same eyes that were staring right back at me? They were sad. Almost like she felt sorry for me.

I couldn't stop shaking if I tried. That was it. All this time I thought it was love—instead, she was giving me pity.

“What's wrong?”

“I just promised, that's all.” I cleared my throat.

“You promised?”

I nodded. “Myself. I promised I wouldn't have sex with another girl unless I knew for sure.”

“Knew what for sure?”

I swallowed and looked away. Hating that I was being such a bastard about it. “You like him.”

“Him?” she repeated.

I rolled my eyes and softly pushed her away. “Nat, I'm not stupid. We've alluded to this conversation many times before. It's always the same.

“Alec.” She breathed his name like a kiss. The way she said his name—it was different than the way she said mine.

I couldn't look at her. “Has he kissed you?”

“Yes,” she mumbled. “But, he told me he wasn't good for me, he pushed me away, we both decided we were better friends. It was a mistake.”

I watched the waves roll across the shore. “I just don't get it. I don't understand why it always has to be like this.”

“Like what?”

I shook my head. “I need to change, Nat. My flight leaves in an hour.” I quickly peeled off my shirt, Nat gasped and reached for me.

“What?” I braced her shoulders. “Are you okay?”

“Your, um, your tattoo.” Well, crap. No way out of that one without telling the truth and I'd prefer to be high if I actually had to tell her. “What does it say?”

I exhaled and looked away. “My heart will be yours forever.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “Just like Alec's.”

Damn it! I'm not HIM! I wanted to scream. Why did it have to be like that? Why did she have to want him? I jerked her against my body until nothing separated us. “I'm nothing like Alec.”

Nat tried to pull away, but I couldn't let her, she had to understand. “Please, Nat. I'm not him, I'm not him.” I closed my eyes and touched my forehead to hers, wanting to cry.

Wanting to tell her the truth, begging her to love me even if the truth was ugly. “I was never him. She knew that, but it didn't matter. I just want to be me. Love me.”

“Did I ask you to be him?” she said weakly.

I tilted her chin and brushed a soft kiss across her lips. “No, Baby. It's not what you said. This is all me, my shitty baggage. Got it?”

“Got it,” she mumbled.

“You okay?” She rubbed a hand across my face then brought her lips to mine. It was my goodbye kiss. I pushed her against the wall and moved to unzip her dress again.

Maybe, if I tried really hard, I could lose myself in her. Maybe just this once, she'd let me see all of her, she'd let me have the parts he hadn't taken yet, the parts he hadn't yet stolen.

I pushed her harder and slid the dress off of her body within seconds. It pooled at her feet.

I moaned as one of my hands moved to the delicate lace of her bra, pushing harder against her body so that I could keep us fused together. Her skin felt hot—and me? I was cold. Everywhere felt cold.

“Demetri” —she panted, tensing beneath me— “What's wrong? Remember, slow?” My tongue swirled down the side of her neck, grasping at anything she'd throw at me. “Demetri,” she repeated.

“No!” she shouted. The abruptness of her pushing against my chest almost sent her ass sailing to the ground. So that was it. My answer. She'd give him her heart—her body—her everything.

And again. I'd be left with nothing.

“You need to go, Nat.” I kept my back turned to her.

“What the heck was that?” she yelled.

“Nothing.”

“Demetri.” She walked up behind me and wrapped her arms around my stomach. “Talk to me.”

“I just wanted you first.” Honest truth. I wanted to be the guy who made her smile, who made her laugh, who held her when she cried. Instead, I got nothing. Story of my life.

I turned and glared at Nat. She blinked those hellishly long lashes, “First?”

“Before everything happens.” My muscles were so tense I was convinced I was going to have a seizure or something.

“What are you talking about? Are you high? On drugs? Before what happens?”

I was exploding. From the inside out. My shoulders collapsed, unable to hold my body straight anymore, and I was in pain, not just emotional pain but physical pain.

Pain so severe that I couldn't stop myself from wincing. It came from every direction. The car crash, the drugs, my brother, my ex-girlfriend, the son he lost, the life I lived, the rejection.

Over and over again it hit me like the waves of that damn tide outside. Without realizing it, I had reached into my pocket and lifted a pill to my lips.

I took it.

I took it and prayed it would work, and a part of me? Prayed it wouldn't, so that I would have an excuse to do it again.

“I'll always love you,” I whispered.

“Demetri, I love you.” Funny, I hadn't realized until this day that there were different types of love. Sucked that the one she felt for me didn't hold a candle to the way she felt about him.

What sucked even more? I knew every dirty secret.

“I know.” I smiled sadly and exhaled. “I'll see you in another week or so, okay?”

“Okay.” She shivered, went and put on her dress.

“I'll miss you,” I croaked. She nodded and caught the fact that I'd just thrown another pill in my mouth.

“What are you taking?”

“Painkillers” —I rolled my eyes— “Because I'm in pain, Nat.”

I threw the pills onto the bed, not caring that she saw them, not caring that she would probably tell Alec, and grabbed my bag.

“Gotta go, Nat.” I opened my mouth, to apologize, to tell her I loved her, to tell her I needed her more than she realized; instead, her eyes darted behind her as the door slammed shut.

Alec was home. Well, fancy that. “I'll text you.”