Chapter 194: Chapter Thirty-Two

Priscilla

I walked to my house.

I just wanted to be home. I didn't want to be at my cousin's condo, and I didn't want to be anywhere near Jaymeson. He'd just try to break in now that he knew where the stupid key was.

And I'd just suffered enough embarrassment to last me forever.

Sucking my tears in, I finally made it to my house and froze.

Construction workers were everywhere.

“Um…” I grabbed the first hard hat to walk by me. “What's going on?”

He gave me a curious look. “There was a fire, we're fixing the house.”

“I know there was a fire. It's my house.”

His face lit up. “Oh, well, did you want to see our progress?”

“No, that's fine.” I crossed my arms and chewed my lower lip as people filed in and out of the house. “Do you know who's in charge?”

“You're looking at him.”

“Oh.” I shook my head. “Sorry, long day, um, so who told you to work on the house? Is this some sort of community donation or something?”

“Sorry.” He gave an apologetic smile. “I've gotta get back to work, the guy who's paying us said we'd get bonuses if we finished early.”

“Who's paying you?” I yelled as he walked away.

“Sorry!” He shrugged. “I'm not supposed to say. Have a great day!” He waved and disappeared into the house.

With nowhere to go, I dug my keys out of my purse and got into my car. I was too numb to be excited about the house.

At this point, I didn't care.

You know how when you're little and nervous to talk in front of people — the advice is always to imagine everyone naked?

Well. I felt naked and exposed. How could he? How could he pretend to be my friend online for months? And then not tell me!

I felt so stupid, all those times I was talking about Jaymeson, about missing him. My heart beat wildly. I had actually been talking to him.

And when I'd asked for advice.

Tears of embarrassment stung my eyes until I couldn't hold them in anymore. The worst part? He knew every vulnerable thing about me. Everything. Jaymeson had cut me open and filleted me alive.

He'd pushed me into the arms of another guy only to be witness to that same guy basically cheating on me.

Nobody enjoys feeling unwanted, and maybe I was feeling extra sorry for myself, but how was it fair that Jaymeson acted the way he did?

He kept me close, he kissed me, he slept in the same bed — all without touching me. It was like he refused to let me go.

I needed him to let me go.

I needed to cut whatever string held us together.

With shaking hands I parked at the condo and pulled up my Facebook profile.

Delete.

Still trembling, I clicked through my photos from the wedding on my phone, and deleted every last one where Jaymeson was present.

My legs may as well have been lead as I walked up the stairs to the condo. Feeling like I was going to puke, I hurried and grabbed the key from under the pig and let myself in.

Fresh tears streamed down my cheeks as I slowly made my way into the kitchen, only to find Jaymeson sitting at the breakfast bar.

“Don't go,” he whispered without turning around. His hands were wrapped around a mug.

“If I stay — then you need to go.”

“If you stay,” he repeated, lifting his head. I could see the muscles tense in his back. Did he have to be so perfect? Was he really that bored with his life?

“I'm not apologizing,” he finally said.

Seriously?

“I love your curves. I love your smile. Your hands. Even your feet. I love every piece of you — every piece fits perfectly together to make you who you are.”

“Jaymeson…”

“I wanted all of you without you having to sacrifice anything. I thought if I was your friend, I could still be a part of your life…somehow. A small part.”

“But that's not what you did!” I shouted and threw my purse onto the floor. “You lied to me!”

“But—”

“No!” I grabbed him by the shoulders and turned his body around. “You made me fall for you! You made me believe that you were an entirely different person!

“I looked forward to them too!” He stood and gripped my shoulders. “That's what I'm saying! I didn't want to give it up!”

“But you had me!” I shrugged out of his grip. “You had me and didn't want me! Were you bored? Was that it? You thought it would be fun to play with my emotions?

He perked up. “Consumed?”

“I. Hate. You.” I spat the words, perversely enjoying the way he flinched at each one. “I offered friendship — and that still wasn't enough. You still weren't satisfied!”

“I won't be satisfied, dammit!” He grabbed me by the waist and picked me up into his arms. “I won't be satisfied until you're mine! Not Smith's! Not Jamie Hudson's. But mine!”

His mouth slammed against my lips.

I arched back, planning to slap him, but he dropped me to my feet and pushed me up against the kitchen wall.

With a growl I pushed against his chest, then bit his lip. He retaliated by gripping my wrists and pinning them behind my back so we were chest to chest.

“Let me go,” I whimpered against his mouth.

“That's been the problem all along.” His breathing was ragged. “I can't.”

“Please.” Tears streamed down my face. “I can't either. I can't do this. I need lines, Jaymeson. You said I could have them. I can't kiss you today and be your friend tomorrow.”

“I could never be your friend.” Jaymeson's eyes drilled into mine. “Friendship doesn't feel like this. Friendship doesn't feel like I want to kill any guy who looks at you longer than two seconds.

“Friendship doesn't feel like my body's burning from the inside out. I want you.”

“For a night?” His grip released on my hands, freeing me to push against his chest.

“No.” He pushed me back, pinning my arms above my head against the wall.

“For as many nights as you're willing to give me — for as many sunrises and sunsets as I can count, not just for breakfast, but lunch and dinner. I want your future.

“I want the dates you haven't yet planned, the moments you've yet to experience. I want them all.”

My chin trembled as he gripped it firmly between his fingers. “Don't you get it?” His voice wavered. “It's you. It's always been you. The whole time. For the past three months. You and only you.”

“But—”

He kissed forcefully, cutting off my words with his mouth, making me forget to use sentences and nouns and verbs. “What can I do to convince you that I'm serious?

“I don't know,” I whispered.

He released my hands and let them fall to my side then dipped his fingers into my hair, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against mine.

Jaymeson stepped back, releasing my body. I felt his absence — like my body had lost all its heat at once. Like I'd been stabbed with an icicle. With a shiver, I crossed my arms.

I'd never seen a man look at a woman the way he was looking at me — from the pitiful look on his face, to his completely deflated posture — vulnerability was written all over him.

With a sigh he lifted his long-sleeve shirt over his head and threw it on the ground. “One. When I was little my dad rarely visited me. He was too busy to care. So I had my Nanna, my grandmother.

He unlaced a boot and threw it. “Two. I was three when I realized my mom didn't love me. A year later she told me to my face.”

My breath hitched.

He unlaced another boot and dropped it with a thud. “Three.

“When Nanna put my mom to bed, after another one of her drunken threats, she let me cry on her shoulder and told me that just because someone says they don't love you doesn't mean you aren't lovable.

His muscled arms reached for his t-shirt as he lifted it off his head and threw it where he'd tossed his boots, leaving him in a tank top. “Four.

“When my Nanna disappeared, my mom told me it was because Nanna didn't want to take care of me anymore. You see, my mom was jealous of her then four-year-old son.

“Nanna had given me a bear to sleep with — in a drunken rage my mom threw it in the fire. When I called my father, he said I was too old to be playing with stuffed animals. I never saw Nanna again.”

Slowly, he peeled his tank top from his body. “Five.

“Nanna died in her sleep — I later found out that her heart simply gave out — and as a kid I didn't understand what that meant, so I naturally assumed it meant because I'd been a bad boy… I'd made her tired, and I'd made her love me.

“I'd been selfish. And in the end, I blamed myself for her death. Because maybe if I hadn't needed her so much — she would have been able to have enough strength to live just a little bit longer.”

His jeans fell to his ankles, and he stepped out. “Six. The last person I was vulnerable with is cold, dead, in the ground. She was also the last person I gave my heart to.

“When she died, I think a part of me died too. It was the first experience I had with reality. With knowing that life was naturally ugly, not beautiful.

“The last time I had something to live for…was when I was a child.” He took a tentative step toward me. “Until I met you.”

Tears streamed down my face.

Jaymeson took another step, his dark hair covering part of his face as the afternoon light cast shadows into the room. “Until you turned my world upside down.”

Another step.

I was paralyzed as I watched him move smoothly toward me, every plane of muscle tightening, keeping perfect cadence with my chest.

His hand reached out to touch my cheek. “You're not the first female — Nanna gets that honor — but you will be the last.”