Chapter 136: Chapter Thirty-nine

Alec

“How's it going, Alec?” Mrs. Murray scribbled a few things on her notepad and looked up at me through her black-rimmed glasses.

Awful, horrible, miserable. “Great!”

“Don't lie.”

“No, really. Everything's—”

Mrs. Murray squinted and crossed her arms.

“Fine.” I swallowed. “I'm not sleeping. And frankly, I'm a little uncomfortable discussing such things with you, but since we're all about honesty here in the trust room.

“I can't freaking sleep without Nat in my arms. I wake up panicking, thinking something happened to her.

“Last night I fell off my bed because I was so freaked that she was passed out somewhere that I got tangled up in my own sheets and bruised my knee on the wood floor.

“Demetri asked if I was wrestling bears all night because I was so loud. Oh right, and there's that, apparently I talk in my sleep.”

Her brows lifted. “Oh?”

Dear God, did all therapists say things like Oh? And how does that make you feel? “Yes, oh! I say her name! Over and over again.

“The thing is, I'm so damn sad that I can't even feel embarrassed about it. Demetri even gave me a damn bear to sleep with.”

She nodded and scribbled a few more notes. “Good.”

I sighed into my hands but lifted my head when I heard her laugh.

“Something funny?”

“You're absolutely miserable.”

“Um, question. Aren't therapists supposed to make their clients feel better? Not laugh at their misfortune?”

“Oh, honey, you brought this misfortune all on your own. The comical thing is, you still don't realize it.”

“Pardon?” I leaned in, and squinted.

“You. You are your own worst enemy. Not drugs, not Demetri, not your past, not your career. You. You are in a battle with yourself.”

I sat back and sighed. “I-I don't understand. Can you say that in English?”

“You can't love someone fully until you forgive yourself for bad choices made. You take responsibility for your actions by acknowledging that the choices made were your choices and yours alone.

“Nobody forced you to go into that hotel room. Nobody forced you to do drugs. Nobody forced you to withhold the truth from Demetri. You. You are your own worst enemy.

“So until the different parts of Alec can get along, you'll always be in this battle. The battle between who you want to be and who you really are.

“You want to be different and better, so you pretend that everything's fine. You control everything around you, but the problem with that is, the minute part of your perfect world starts to shatter—”

“---I do too.”

“Well done.” Mrs. Murray nodded in approval.

“So…” I chewed my lower lip. “How do I fix it?”

“Let go.”

“Of what?”

“Control. Yourself, your past. It is what it is, and you can't change it. You can only move forward and make better choices.

“Every time you mess up in the present, it's an excuse for you to bring back the past, and then you pile that on yourself until you feel worthless and depressed. You can't do that.”

“Easier said than done.”

She smiled. “It takes practice.”

“I can practice.”

“I know.” Winking, she put her notepad down and leaned forward. “You need to get over yourself.”

Harsh as shit, wasn't she? “Thanks for the tough love.”

She shrugged. “Get over it, move on, be happy, and don't let your past define your future. If you do, you'll continue in that same cycle.”

“I can't lose her now, but I feel like…”

“What?”

“I feel like everything is spinning out of control. I have so many things going on around me, and I feel like I can't give her everything she needs in order to be happy.

“Isn't that for her to decide?”

“What do you mean?” I cursed and ran my hands through my hair. Not only was I feeling like crap, but my hair was the longest it had ever been. Yesterday a fan said I looked like Johnny Depp.

“Alec.” Mrs. Murray cleared her throat. “You've always been the caretaker.

“When someone has the type of responsibility you've always had, that person is used to calling the shots in every aspect of their lives.

“With Nat, you decide what's best for the both of you, and if it's not, you decide something is over without even consulting her. Is that a relationship?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Didn't think so.” She checked her watch. “Looks like our time is almost up. I think it would be best for you to keep doing what you're doing.

“I know it pains you to admit it, but your friend Jaymeson is right. She doesn't need words. She needs actions. Only when she believes your actions will she start listening to your words.”

“Right.” I rose from my seat and shuffled slowly to the door. “What if it's not enough?”

I didn't turn around, but I could feel Mrs. Murray's sigh behind me. “Then at least you tried.”

“I don't want to try. I want to succeed.”

“Then don't give up.”

I opened the door to the office and left.

Shit, I was a mess.

I walked back to our house and decided something needed to change. And that something was me. If she wanted me to act, I was going to act, and it was going to be a big gesture.

****

“Alec, why are we at the school?” Nat put her hands on her hips and looked around the abandoned parking lot.

I shrugged. “Do you trust me?”

Nat took my outstretched hand. “Jury's still out. Guess it depends on how today goes.”

I chuckled and tugged her toward the school.

It smelled the same, the school. It was like being transported back to that first day when I saw Nat trip down the hall. Her pencils and bag went flying.

I wasn't really one to get involved in other people's business, but she looked so miserable and when she got on her hands and knees, I couldn't help but find it amusing that every single one of her pens was either hot pink or yellow.

Before I knew it, I was helping her to her feet, and then my heart stopped. I swear it literally stopped inside my chest when her large brown eyes fell on mine.

I'd never had a girl so completely knock me onto my knees before. The pull I had for her was so strong that I released her hand as if she'd burnt me, and looked away. Rude. I was rude to her.

“Right there.” I pointed at the hallway floor. “You fell right there.”

Nat groaned. “Is this going to be one of those trips down memory lane where we rehash every embarrassing moment I've ever experienced?”

“No.” I laughed. “Promise!” I grabbed her hand and led her to her locker. “And this is where Demetri and I pestered you day in and day out.”

“Torture. It was torture.” Nat nodded. “And if I remember correctly you asked for taffy because you had just quit smoking.”

“I did.” I grinned. “But I have to be honest. It wasn't taffy I wanted…”

“Huh?” Nat backed up against the locker. “What do you mean?”

“I wanted to kiss you.” I cupped her face. My thumb flicked her lower lip as I gazed into her eyes. “I kept thinking to myself, All I need is her. Taffy never took the edge off.

“Not the way you did. Not the way your presence did. You numbed the pain. Yet at the same time, made me feel more alive than I'd ever felt in my existence. It was always you.”

She swallowed and looked away.

“Come on.” I tugged her hand and led her to Mr. Meservey's old classroom. “Go in.”

She walked in and smiled.

“Hey!” Demetri waved from the back.

Jaymeson was sitting next to him and Angelica was in the desk across from them.

She'd actually volunteered to help me with this whole idea since she was staying in town for her rehab treatment with Mrs. Murray.

I swear, that woman came so highly recommended that it just made sense for Angelica to stay. She nodded toward me and smiled, a real smile, at Nat.

“Take a seat,” I ordered behind her.

Nat sat in her usual seat.

I pulled out a pink pen and set it on her desk then took a seat next to the guys and Angelica, we all started bickering and talking about history.

After a few seconds of our little play acting, I came up behind Nat. “Drop it.”

Nat's shoulders tensed. She pushed the pen off the desk. I bent over and picked it up, making sure that when our fingers brushed she was looking directly into my eyes.

“It was a pen.” I swallowed the emotion in my throat. “The damn pen. Over and over again these past few weeks, I've replayed this scenario. What if it wouldn't have been me who picked up your pen?

“What if it was Demetri? What if I wouldn't have done all the things I did? Would things be better or worse?” I sighed and kissed her hand. “I couldn't let you go.

“I can't let you go, but I want you to know that I would never force you to stay.

Nat's brows furrowed. “What?”

“What will it be?” I rose to my full height and waited.

“I think…” Nat looked at Angelica and the guys. “I think I'll stay.”

“Perfect.” I bent down and kissed her cheek. “Meet you there in a bit.”

“Okay…” Her voice sounded confused.

I ran out the door with Demetri and Jaymeson in tow. And this is where Angelica came in. I hoped to God I could actually trust her.