Chapter 13: Chapter 12 - Optimism and Pessimism

“Hey,” Cliff said, rubbing his fingers on the grain of the wooden table. They were in one of the dorm’s study rooms, a dusty, bare little space furnished with a table with four chairs, but only enough space for two people’s worth of stuff.

Jenna didn’t look up for her textbook. “Hmm?” The back of her pen pressed an indent into her cheek as she thought, and her eyebrows were pinched together in concentration.

“I don’t really need to be here, do I?” Cliff asked. He had a few of his own textbooks in front of him, but he didn’t really have the motivation to do any studying.

“What?” his study-buddy replied, this time looking up from her book.

“I mean, well – you drag me here, apparently to help you study, but we both know you don’t need any help.” They’d been there for over an hour, and Cliff could tally the questions she’d asked him on one hand. Mostly it was her, dutifully doing her work while his mind wandered to the question of transferring.

She looked at him for a moment, smiling lightly. “I thought you liked it when I dragged you away – it’s an excuse to get out of your own studying, no?”

Cliff shrugged, leaning back in his chair and throwing his arms out to stretch. “Well, yeah – when Thalos was hounding me to study for exams with him, you were a life saver, but now-” He leaned forward again, resting his chin on the back of a hand. “I just don’t see the need.” Jenna had gotten one of the highest scores on their Engineering exam, and he knew he had very little to do with it – most of the ‘help’ he’d given her leading up to the test was just glancing over her answers, nodding along each time she was correct.

“Well, I like it when you’re here,” Jenna said, shrugging a shoulder. “It’s helpful.”

“Even though you’ve asked me a grand total of three questions today? Each of which you could have answered with thirty seconds of perusing the textbook?”

Her smile widened slightly. “Oh, but you’re so much faster than the textbook. Plus it’s bothersome to flip back and forth – much easier to ask the genius across the table.”

“It’s mighty kind of you to call me a genius,” Cliff said with a smile of his own, “but, you know – there are tons of productive things I could be doing – training for the Hands-on, working with the Engineering club, and so on and so on.” Those were really the only two he could think of, but she didn’t know that.

“So, what?” Jenna said, raising an eyebrow, “You want to leave? Be my guest.” She didn’t quite sound irritated, but there was a tense note to her tone

“No, no, I don’t want to leave,” Cliff said, waving a hand to placate her. “I just want another reason to stay.”

“Oh? Another reason?” Jenna replied, her eyes narrowing. After a moment, she sighed softly. “Fine, if you need it. I like spending time with you, Clifford Everhart. Is that reason enough?”

“Careful, Jenna,” Cliff said with a smirk, “Keep talking like that and I’ll start thinking you’re trying to flirt with me.”

“And suddenly I regret saying it,” she replied with a scowl. It might have been Cliff’s ego, but he thought he saw a hint of color in her cheeks.

“Oh relax,” Cliff said, “I like spending time with you too, so we’re square, yeah?”

“Wonderful,” Jenna said stiffly, “now, can I get back to studying?” This time he was sure she was blushing.

“Hold on, hold on,” Cliff said, raising a finger, “now that we’ve both said it, there’s no point in using studying as an excuse, right? We can just – well – talk, right?” He could use a proper conversation, as a distraction, or a chance to bounce ideas around. And Jenna was the perfect person to have such a conversation with, too. He was comfortable around her, but he hadn’t told her about the offer to transfer – he was keeping those cards close to his chest. No one but Thalos and the scholarship kids knew, and they’d all promised not to tell anyone else.

She stared at him for a few seconds before shrugging and shutting her textbook. “Fine,” she said, “why not? I’m mostly done with the homework, and I could use a break. What do you want to talk about?”

Cliff grinned. “Oh, nothing really.” She frowned. “Don’t give me that look! I just wanted to talk, honest.” He clicked his tongue. “Anything interesting happen recently?”

She glared at him. “You mean, besides the local nutjob derailing my study session for aimless conversation?” She tilted her head for a moment before here eyes suddenly widened. “Oh! Actually – you’ll never guess what Loria did to me today.”

Cliff frowned. “Punched you in the face?” he tried.

She gave him a confused look. “What? No!”

“Lit your side of the room on fire?”

“Why would you – I would have told you if she did something like that!”

“Confessed her eternal, undying love to you?” he said with a grin.

“Well that’s a little closer, but – no, she apologized. For that thing I told you about, when she went off on me during club.” She was smiling, clearly happy about it.

Cliff raised his eyebrows. “Wow,” he muttered, “that’s somehow more surprising than anything I suggested.”

Jenna looked at him incredulously. “More surprising than her confessing her – what was it? Eternal, undying love?”

Cliff shrugged. “Your momma never told you about boys pulling pretty girls’ hair? Maybe her little tantrum was something like that.”

“Cliff, stop it,” Jenna said with a giggle, “But you’re right, it was surprising. After a week, I figured she was too stubborn to apologize, and we both know I’m too stubborn to let her get away with being stubborn.”

“I think it’s called being principled when you’re in the right,” Cliff said. And truly, in this case, Jenna was in the right. If he hadn’t known Loria, he wouldn’t have believed the account of their fight. But, well, he did, and so he did.

Jenna shrugged. “Good stubborn or bad stubborn, it’s still stubborn. I’m just glad one of us finally broke. It was getting awkward finding an excuse to come back late every night. Plus, this is good for you.”

Cliff raised an eyebrow. “How so?”

“If she can apologize to me, maybe it means you two can start getting along soon.” She Grinned.

He hissed a breath through his teeth. “I wouldn’t count on it.” He shook his head. “You should have seen her yesterday, before the spar. It was…” he trailed off at the mention of his embarrassment the day prior, a sour taste coming to his mouth. “Well, I guess she was right, there – I did end up being useless in our fight.”

The humor fell from Jenna’s face, and she shook her head. “That’s not your fault, really. Deb’s strategy was to knock you and Thalos out first. There’s no shame in losing to us.”

“I’m not ashamed of losing,” Cliff said, “I’m ashamed of how I lost.” Just about everyone had been shocked by Team A’s ferocity – he definitely wouldn’t have felt bad about losing. If he’d made a better showing, that is. He rubbed a hand across his stomach where Penny’s bullets had hit him, knocking him on his ass. The martial node in his PMT did a lot to keep him sturdy, but each shot hurt like a kick from a mule, and he was still spotted with soreness. “You had a plan, yeah, but so did we. I was completely overwhelmed, with no tools to respond.” He’d had a rifle of his own, hoping to occupy at least some of team A’s attention, but it’d only taken a few seconds for him to be knocked into the dirt.

Jenna watched him with an uncomfortable expression, working her jaw. He knew she was trying to think of a response, something to ease his frustration. But that would be hard when what he was saying was true.

Before she managed anything, he spoke again. “Say, Jenna, why do you want to be a Courier?”

She looked at him for a long moment before hesitantly responding. “Didn’t I already tell you? I wanted to have my own-”

“Your own thing, yeah, I remember,” Cliff said, “but there’s got to be more to it than that, right? Why’d your thing have to be a Courier?”

She turned to look out the window. The glass had a yellowish hue, dust and pollen caked on from years of poor maintenance. “It’s not so complicated,” she said, “really, it was process of elimination as much as anything else – my parents wanted me to go to the academy, and I didn’t see any reason not to. I’m not quite the religious type, so becoming a Magepriest was out. And, after everything my parents told me, I didn’t want to be a soldier.” She looked back at him. “Not so complicated at all.”

“Whats the problem with being a soldier?” Cliff probed. It really didn’t have anything to do with his dilemma, but hearing her thoughts, why she was here, it might help him make up his own mind.

She sighed, leaning forward, crossing her arms and looking at him seriously. “It’s a lot different, being a soldier and being a Courier, I think. My mom, she used to say she envied the Couriers. You know how we sit in class and argue over what to do in different situations? How to move forward, who to help, what’s most important – I don’t think the cadets have those kinds of discussions. They already know what they’ll be doing: following orders. There’s a freedom here that I think is valuable – you can choose who you want to help, who you want to work with.” She paused. “Who you want to kill.”

There was a moment of silence before Jenna visibly forced herself to brighten. “But that’s not what’s really on your mind, is it?”

“I don’t know,” Cliff said, scratching at his head, “Maybe I just wanted to know more about you – what makes you tick and all that.” He thought a moment before asking another question. “What would you do if you wanted to do something, be good at something, but you didn’t-” He winced. “have the knack for it?”

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Her expression turned concerned. “Cliff, is this about you failing your exam? No one’s good at everything at first – I’m sure you’ll figure things out. You’re smart.”

Cliff smiled wistfully. “I appreciate the vote of confidence – and sure, it’s related to that – but, don’t think about it. Forget me and my failures. What would you do if you really wanted something, but it didn’t seem to be happening?”

She continued to stare at him, but her expression softened. “My dad, he used to tell me, ‘if you’re tugging on a door and it just wont open, maybe it’s time to find another door.’” Imitating her father, she put on a nasally voice, and Cliff couldn’t help but smile. “I don’t know if it’s good advice, but it’s helped me, I think – you can’t force everything. Maybe start looking for another way to use your PMT, a way that suits you better?”

“I suppose that makes sense,” Cliff said, his voice falling to a near-whisper. He thought for a moment again, everything spinning around in his brain. When he spoke again, it was too quiet for Jenna to even hear. “Hey,” he said, “Do I really need to be here?”

***

The fireball surged forward, smacking into the target, popping with the soft impact. “How the hell does that work?” Cliff barked, glaring at Thalos, “You’re telling me that his Gift let him literally be in two places at once? How does that – the brain, it can’t – I mean were his thoughts connected?” Another fireball popped against the target.

Beside him, Thalos shrugged. “It’s magic, Cliff. Gifts don’t really follow rules, as you well know. But yeah, anything one copy thought, felt, or experienced, the other did as well, instantly. He worked as a liaison between the Church and the Courier Alliance.”

“I can’t help but wonder,” Cliff replied, “how did his gift manifest? I just kind of understood one day, while fiddling with my dad’s lamp. Him, though – how do you just come into being two people?” Two more fireballs shot forward, both hitting the target.

“My grandfather asked him that very same question – apparently, when he was eight years old, he woke up one day and there were two of him. Just like that.”

Cliff clicked his tongue. “I can’t imagine what his momma must have thought – gone to wake up her son and there are two of him – that had to be a shock.”

“Apparently she called the church because she thought some monster had come and imitated her son,” Thalos said, “he told my grandfather that it was a bother convincing her that no, one of them wasn’t a new version, or even a different person – they were both part of her son, just like both your arms are part of you.”

A few more fireballs, and Cliff lowered his hand. “I guess that analogy makes sense, if I don’t think about it too far.” He looked at his roommate, who was grinning. “Not bad.”

“Not bad? You just hit all twenty! That’s a little more than not bad,” Thalos said, punching Cliff on the shoulder. It was rare that Cliff ever saw his roommate this excited – he was almost touched that it was on his behalf.

“I know, it’s great,” Cliff said with a chuckle. “Still, though, it feels a little cheated.” After his last talk with Lieutenant Ulster, he’d come up with a plan to make things work – namely, have someone distract him while he was using his PMT so he couldn’t derail himself with his Gift. Thalos had agreed to be his partner in crime, and they’d stayed after class to practice throughout the week. Needless to say, they were getting some results.

His joy was tempered, slightly, by the knowledge that this was not a long-term solution. After the exam, they’d moved on to more versatile circuitry for their PMTs – nodes that let you decide how many and how large the fireballs would be, how much earth you wanted to move, and so on. Despite his success with the fundamental circuits he was using now, it would be nearly impossible to distract himself when use of the PMT required more than just a bit of effort to make a fireball.

They left the range to find their instructor waiting, arms crossed and a neutral expression on his face. Cliff dutifully removed his PMT, taking out the fireball node and putting everything away before coming to stand in front of the lieutenant, Thalos awkwardly beside him.

“Well?” Cliff asked expectantly.

“Very good,” he said simply, causing some hope to warmly bloom in Cliff’s stomach. “I was skeptical, but your idea seems to be paying off.” Normally, it wasn’t allowed to have more than one person in the range together, but, knowing Cliff’s circumstances, Lieutenant Ulster had reluctantly agreed to try out his plan. There were a couple of conditions – namely, direct supervision from the lieutenant and they had to practice outside of class time, but overall, Cliff had been pleased with how supportive his instructor seemed to be.

“So then-” Cliff started hopefully, “Can I – well, you know.” Their Hands-on training was the next day, and he was really gunning for clearance to use the rest of the basic nodes they’d covered in class.

The lieutenants expression seemed to stiffen, but his tone was soft. “I still can’t clear you for use of the basic set,” he said, raising a hand to preempt Cliff’s protest. “Granted, you’ve made great progress, and I’ve a bit more hope you’ll be able to get through this year without transferring or failing – but I can’t clear you until you can use the nodes without someone else helping you along the way.” Cliff had tried distracting himself to mixed success, but something like Thalos’s conversation was much more consistent. “It’s just not safe.”

Before Cliff could form a protest, Thalos spoke up. “It might not be my place to say, sir, but don’t you think a combat situation will be enough of a distraction for Cliff? Certainly monsters would require more attention than talking with me.”

Lieutenant Ulster eyed Thalos. “That may be true, but unfortunately it’s unconfirmed – and even trying to confirm it would go beyond what I would consider safe.” His lips pulled slightly downward. “I’m sorry Cliff, but, for now, you’re only clear to use the martial node.”

Disappointment replaced the hope in his stomach, and he wanted to shout a complaint, but really, he understood. “Thanks for being so accommodating with me, Lieutenant,” he said, trying not to sound defeated. Truthfully, he’d been planning on just using the martial node all along – sure, his recent success had left him a little optimistic, but in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t that big of a disappointment, not really. He clenched his fists, forcing some optimism back into his mind. “I’ll get it down soon, I promise you.”

Lieutenant Ulster breathed a quiet chuckle. “I don’t doubt that – and you don’t need to thank me. It’s my job as your instructor to pull the best out of you.” He shrugged a shoulder, rubbing at his neck. “Plus, I’ve always had a soft spot for men and women pushing forward, full force. You’ve got success in your future if you keep working like this.” He nodded with finality. “Dismissed.”

***

The sound of dozens of popsticks going off echoed around them like rain on a sheet metal roof. Cliff, remembering the few tips he’d gotten from Penny, sighted down the barrel, exhaling slowly as he pulled the trigger three times in quick succession. A few more breaths and a few more shots, and a shrill whistle suddenly rang out in the room. Immediately, all shooting ceased, and the students walked down the range, retrieving the paper targets they’d been shooting at.

Cliff looked his over, frowning slightly at his accuracy. The target was about the size of his torso, printed with a vaguely dog-like outline of a monster with a few of its vital points circled. There were a dozen different choices for the image on the target, and he’d chosen one at random.

“How’d you shoot?” Deb said from beside him, holding up her own target, a simple set of concentric circles. Most of her shots had at least hit the outer-most ring, and she’d even managed to hit the bullseye once, but, still, she was a marginally worse shot than him.

“Not bad,” Cliff replied, showing his own target. He’d kept all of his shots inside the monster’s outline, but only a few had struck the denoted vital areas.

“Satisfied then?” she asked, “Percy and Thalos are probably waiting for us.”

“Right, sure,” Cliff said. Around them, the other students in the range started shooting again, but as a pair, Cliff and Deb left the practice area.

As Deb predicted, they found Thalos and Percy sitting on the steps outside the firing range, chatting as they waited. When he saw them, Percy waved and called out, “How’d the shooting go?”

Cliff crumpled the paper target in his hand, tossing it to the other boy. “See for yourself.”

Unfurling the sheet, Percy nodded appreciatively. “Not bad,” he said, turning to smirk at Cliff, “You actually managed to keep your shots inside the lines this time.”

Cliff clicked his tongue, turning to Thalos. “Would you listen to this guy? They win one spar and suddenly our boy here’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

“Don’t act like you’d be any different if we won, Cliff,” Thalos said, standing up and dusting off the seat of his pants.

“Yeah, but for me, it’d be in character,” Cliff complained, “Percy’s a lovable oaf! Hearing him gloat just feels – I don’t know, wrong.”

“Hey!” Percy protested, “I’ll take lovable, but oaf?” Cliff reached down, taking Percy’s hand and tugging him to his feet. “That’s just rude,” he concluded, swatting Cliff on the shoulder.

“What about you two?” Deb asked as they started walking back to the dorm, “You convince Percy to teach you how to fight, Thalos?” Formally, they had no weapons training in this first term. Cliff was pretty sure they were supposed to cover it in their Courier courses, but so far they’d done scarcely any fighting outside of the most recent spars. Because of that, most of the apprentice Couriers had taken to spending some time out of class training up with their weapons, and the scholarship kids were no exception. If anything, due to their upbringings, they needed more practice than the rest – well, except for Percy.

“No, I’d rather not break a bone the day before the Hands-on,” Thalos said with a wry smile.

“Oh come on, not you too, Thalos,” Percy complained, “I’d bruise you, at worst.”

“I don’t know about that,” Thalos replied, “you didn’t look capable of holding back during the spar. I mean, you almost broke Nym’s leg.”

Percy sighed. “I already apologized for that! I’m not really used to fighting with a martial node. It’s hard to gauge my strength!”

Thalos grunted noncommittally, and Cliff turned to Deb. “Speaking of the spar, I’ve been meaning to ask, Deb,” he said, “couldn’t you have taken it easy on us? I mean – come on – I haven’t been knocked on my ass that fast since I was ten years old and challenged my poppa to a wrestling match.”

Deb shook her head. “Believe me, If we could have gone easier, we would have. We had to overwhelm you quickly or Nym and Loria would have seized control of things.” She glanced at Cliff with a smirk. “Embarrassing you was just a bonus.” Cliff moved to prod her in her side but she knocked his hand away. “Careful, please – can’t risk getting hurt before the Hands-on, can we?”

Cliff thought about going for another jab before giving up, waving a hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.” They walked a moment in silence before he spoke again. “You guys think you’re ready?”

Deb glanced at him. “For the Hands-on? Yeah, I guess. We know our roles, and there’s a good chemistry in our team – though I’m paranoid I won’t know how to react if something goes wrong.”

“You’ll do fine,” Percy assured her, “and if you don’t, well, we’ll share responsibility. We’re a team, right?” He looked over at cliff. “What about Team B?”

Cliff and Thalos shared a look. “We might make it through,” Thalos finally said, “unless some minor disagreement spirals into a huge argument and we get so caught up yelling at each other that we don’t get anything done.”

“He says we, but he really means Loria and me,” Cliff continued. “And let’s be honest, give us three minutes and Loria and I will find something to fight about.” He scratched at his head – he wasn’t proud of how poorly he got along with his teammate, but there was something about her that seemed to trigger whatever instinct he had to talk back.

“If we’re lucky, we won’t fail, but even then, I’d give us – I don’t know, fifty/fifty odds?” Cliff winced at his roommates assessment, but he couldn’t disagree. It would be really awkward, though, if he failed another test. Thalos sighed. “It would help if they told us what we were actually doing.” The other three immediately echoed the sentiment. The Hands-on training was the next day, but they had yet to be given any real details.

“I don’t expect there to be much fighting,” Deb said.

“How do you figure?” Cliff asked.

“Well, think about it – we have done basically no real combat training in our Courier classes so far. Sure, we had the team spar, but besides that-” She shrugged. “It’d just be odd if Templar Roose threw something combat-heavy at us.”

“That’s true,” Cliff said, “I can’t quite imagine them saddling us with monster hunting or anything like that. What do you think it’ll be then?” Deb coughed awkwardly, looking at Cliff with surprising hesitation. “What?” he asked, puzzled by her expression.

“Well-” she started, “it’s just, looking at everything we’ve done so far – I mean, we learned about the basics of being a Courier, yeah, but after that, we’ve focused mostly on our roles, yeah?” Cliff raised his eyebrows expectantly. “I – uh – I think it might be some kind of team-building exercise.” As soon as she said it, Cliff couldn’t contain his groan.

“Hmm,” Thalos said, looking at Cliff with concern. “Fifty/fifty odds of passing might have been a little optimistic.”