The sun. That was what Iris watched now. From her window, she witnessed it fall behind the horizon, turning the day away and giving way to the moon. She sat there, oddly calm as she watched it. Her face seemed to accept that the sunset she just observed would likely be her last. In fact, she wore a small smile.
It was fitting, really... for her last memory to be of sundown, considering her first memory was the same. She was four then. A light laugh escaped her throat as she continued to stare at the sky, reminiscing on that day. She was sitting in her mother's lap, and the both of them were watching the sun go down together.
"Why does the sun go away, Mama? I like the sun the best," Iris asked, her small voice enunciating the words the best she could.
Irila smiled at her curious daughter.
"Ah, but there are some who prefer the moon. Why does the moon go away?" her mother posed another question, holding her daughter tightly.
Iris was quiet at this, seemingly in deep thought. Ilima knew that the small girl would not be able to answer. So... she continued speaking, her voice distant.
"Balance, my dear. That is why the sun goes away and the moon rises. I know you are little... but one day you'll understand that the world revolves around keeping things equal. That is why we don't live forever. And that is why we are all different from each other. That is why some people leave our lives. They leave room for someone better," she whispered.
"I don't want you to ever leave, Mama. You're not going to leave, are you?" Iris asked, touching her mother's cheek.
"I will never leave you, Iris. Even when life gives way to death, I will be with you. In every step you take, I will be there. Never forget this."
"Never. But do you really have to die, Mama?"
Irila laughed again.
"I am not going anywhere right now, sweetheart. Don't you worry. I'll stay here with you. And I won't die --not if you don't let me."
"How do I do that?"
"You remember me. Always."
"But Mama, what if someone messes up?" she paused, her small brow dented in confusion, "What if someone does something wrong? What if someone messes up and stops the balance? What will happen then?" she finished her question, and stared deep into her mother's eyes for the answer.
"Simple," her mother kissed her forehead, "That person changes things forever."
"You know," Iris said after a quiet minute, "I think that I like the moon the best now."
"Oh really?" Irila raised a brow, amused, "Why do you like the moon the best now? I thought you liked the sun the best?"
"I did," Iris smiled, "But now I don't. Because I'm not s'posed to like the moon the best. That's why I like it. Because I made a change. And now... forever and ever and ever is changed. All because of me. Right, Mama?" she asked.
Irila chuckled at her daughter and pulled her in for a hug.
"Not yet, sweetheart. Not yet. But things will change, you just wait."
"So I haven't changed forever and ever yet?" Iris pouted, disappointed now in her decision to 'like the moon the best'.
"Not yet. But I'm betting that one day... you will."
Iris smiled at the memory. To this day, she still cherished the moon. And her mother. At least she would get to see her again. And, when she saw her, at least she would be able to tell her that she did change things --just as her mother thought she would. Iris wondered if her mother predicted that she would do something so drastic.
With a sigh, Iris rose to her feet. Shutting her eyes for a second, she gathered her courage. Earlier today, she had not been so brave. In fact, she had been the exact opposite for hours. Earlier, she had thought about running away... but even then, she knew that it would not do. She knew that she couldn't run away from this. No. She had to face the repercussions of her decision to run away and join the army. All she could think now was that at least it wasn't her father who had to die.
Walking to the mirror in the room, she gave herself a quick glance and then turned to the bag on her bed. She took off her armor and chest bindings now, noticing that the action felt strange. She had worn them for so long. Then, she exchanged it for the outfit in the bag. But this time, Iris Gwenneth would not wear a dress. No.
Dresses no longer suited her... or what she had become. Nor did bright colors. This time, she wore a simple belted tunic and a pair of thick brown leggings. The beige color of the shirt would do nothing for her skin but she no longer cared for such petty things. After donning the clothing, she pulled on a pair of short black boots and laced them up.
Upon standing up, she noticed the sturdy soles. Gods, these were so much more comfortable than the shoes she used to wear.
She looked to the mirror again. The tunic and breeches fell down her body, slightly hugging her soft curves. Seeing it, she knew that no one would question now that she was a girl. No one would guess that she was Ingred Gwenneth.
She halfway expected to see a terrified face... but did not. The Iris in the mirror wore a face of acknowledgement. And then, she smiled as she recognized herself. No. This Iris wasn't afraid anymore. She would never be scared again. Ever since she left home, she was never the same. No longer was she a woman who cried in the cherry orchard. No longer was she the woman that took Lillian's insults. And never again would she be the woman who ran away from her problems.
And then, she pulled her hair free of the topknot she had worn for so very long. The action felt symbolic. As if she were entering a new era.
Once her hair was free, she tied half of it back, letting a couple of strands hang loose in front of her face. After it was done, she noticed that her hair had definitely grown. Given, it was nowhere close to how it used to be... but still. Her hair now curled loosely, and hung a little under her collarbone.
She decided that she preferred this over how she used to wear it. It was much more manageable.
I will never be ashamed again of who I am, she thought to herself. And then, she turned away. Quickly, she strapped her other belt onto her tunic and slid her daggers in. He had told her to come honestly... and this was honest. She would always be a rogue -a soldier- at heart.
And then, she left the room. Her boots pounded to the beat of her thudding heart as she wondered what was to come. On her way, she passed a couple of men that she didn't know. Both of them gave her a strange look... as if they didn't understand why she had weapons. Or why she wasn't dressed as a typical woman.
She reached his door.
"Father," she murmured before she knocked, "I wish you could hear me now. I want you to know that I will never regret doing this for you. I want you to know that I will always love you and that I am sorry. I am sorry I left home without telling you. I'm sorry for stealing your armor and sword. And I am sorry if you face any judgment for my actions. If I could, I would tell everyone that this had nothing to do with you. I would tell them that this was my decision --one that I made because I care about you. I hope you tell them that, but I know that you won't. But, the main thing I would tell you now is that I am glad you didn't have to die. I promised Renna I would save your life. And, at the cost of mine, I have fulfilled that very promise. And, if I got the chance to change my decision, I would make this sacrifice again. I wish you could know that I died proud of this choice. Not frightened. And I hope to the gods I made you proud to be my father."
She looked up to the sky.
"Mom, I should think I will see you soon."
And then, after that simple statement, she knocked on the door.
She heard a grunt from the other side of the door, and she took it as an invitation to come in. After all, Zayn was the one who told her to come to him. She slowly turned the handle and opened it. Stepping in, she didn't see him immediately. She looked for him as she shut the door behind her. With a breath, she straightened her posture and lifted her chin. She wanted him to know that she was still the same person, at the very least.
And then... he appeared from around the corner in the room. He was unarmored with his hair pulled back in a style similar to hers. He met her eyes. She held his gaze full-force and with dignity. Iris could see the surprise flash in them, as if he were shocked that she actually came.
"You are armed," he pointed out after a minute, hardening his face, "Why?"
"You told me to come honestly, and I have. I will always be a duelist," she said simply and in her own voice.
She noticed that even though she still had a soft voice --it was not shaky. It was deliberative and confident. A welcome change. She wasn't sure whether or not she would stutter when it actually came down to talking to Zayn.
"I may be a woman, but I am no fool, general," she paused, "If you're thinking I came here to fight you for my life, then you are mistaken. I am not opposed to consequences and am ready to reap what I have sown. But... I ask that you let me die as myself. I have done a lot for you, and now --now I ask that you do something for me. Grant me the chance to hold my weapons as I breathe my final breath."
His eyes widened at the courage in her words... but only for a second. He should have expected this from her, he knew. Ingred would have said it. Yet, hearing her real voice say the words made it much different somehow. He had never heard of such bravery coming from a woman.
"You are a good man," she spoke, "I'm letting you take my life. Just don't take my dignity as well. I feel entitled to that."
"As does everyone," he said, "Just like I felt as if I deserved the truth."
"You did," she pointed out, cringing at his tone of voice, "And now you have it."
"You're right," he told her, face still stoic, "I do have it. But knowing truths means nothing if you find out obscurely."
"I couldn't very well announce it, could I?" she said, her voice rising, "As willing as I am to face the consequences --to face death for the choice I made to save my father-- it doesn't mean I wish to throw my life away. No. I like living, like anyone else. I wouldn't have lied otherwise."
"Then why are you here?" he asked, "If you like living, why did you come?"
"Because I am honorable above all else. I accept what is to come, I know that it is my fault."
"Do you regret it, then? If you say it is your fault?"
She met his eyes. "Never."
The general was taken aback again at just how different she was than any woman -no, than anyone- he had ever met in his life. He had never once seen someone so adamant about honor. He had never seen anyone face the idea of death with so much resolve -- so much bravery. He wanted to smile at her now but he did not. He wanted to tell her just how big of an inspiration she really was, but he did not. She was different, beautiful in her own way. She was kind. She was selfless. She had a fire inside her... a font of gallantry. She was Iris. He would not douse her fire.
He remained as he was.
"If you are as honorable as you say," he crossed his arms, "Give me the truth."
"Very well," Iris said, feeling unafraid, "The plain truth is this: I am Iris Gwenneth. I am daughter of Elliot and Irila Gwenneth. My mother, as I told you, died. And I was honest when I told you I had a fiancé. His name was Shad. He left me for a woman named Emery, like I told you. My village shamed me for it. Because women just don't lose their betrothed, and they all knew it.
My father was all I had, then. I didn't have friends. So, when he received the draft letter, I couldn't let him go -- not with his knee. No. My father had no sons. He only had me. Me and Renna, my aunt. So, I decided to take up his role. I wanted to die in his place. Therefore, I cut my hair, donned the armor, and took a blade for the very first time. And that night, I stole his horse and came here.
On the way here, I met Kayde. Yes, I knew Kayde long before the wolf fight. I was the reason he was there. He mentored me. He helped me create my identity. He trained me, along with you and Kelgar, another rogue in my cabin. And... you know the rest.
So, in short, I am Iris Gwenneth. I did not come to this war to prove myself; I did not come for glory. I came out of love for my father. But, you know what? I found more than I bargained for here. Here, I did prove myself. Here... I found that I was worthy. Here, I trained like hell and pushed myself to the limits to become what I am now. To become one of your best soldiers. Here, I found myself in every breath I've taken. And here, I found a courage I never knew I had.
Because I was never meant to be a woman in skirts. Never meant to be a caretaker, or seamstress, or whatever the hell else a normal woman would be. No. I was meant to be a soldier. I was meant to fight this war." Those words were spoken to herself as much as him.
The general quietened.
"Please let me die as myself."
Things went quiet for a long time.
"No," he finally said, "No, I will not."
In truth, Iris was not expecting him to say this. She sighed, but took it in stride. At least she tried. With slow movements, she pulled out her daggers and held them out for him to take. He took one look at her and shook his head.
"Put them back, Iris," he ordered, pushing her hands away from his.
With a confused look, she did as told.
"I don't understand," she said, voice softer than it was a few moments prior. He met her eyes with a look of sincerity.
"It's funny how you think I assume that you are unworthy for being a woman... when you are doing the same thing. Assuming. Assuming that because I am a man... that I would look down on you as if you weren't my equal. The reason I am saying no to your request is not because you don't deserve to die with pride... no. It's because you don't deserve to die at all," he said, eyes as serious as she'd ever seen them. "I'm not going to kill you."
"What?"
"You heard what I said," he said, "I'm not going to kill you. If I wanted you dead, I would have killed you the day I saw you in the woods. But I didn't. After all, you saved my life. I have no right to end yours... general or not."
"Why did you call me here, then?" she asked, "If you're not going to punish me."
"Because I am sending you home," he told her, "Like I said, I'm saving your life. Go back home, Iris. To Eda. To your father."
"What?" she said in disbelief, "No. I would rather die than leave. You know good and damned well I can fend for myself. I can fight like any other man. That's why you picked me. I'm not letting you go without me --so if you don't want me there, you are going to have to kill me. I'll be fine."
"I know that, Iris. I've seen you fight. But I also know what that letter said that I received earlier. As far as I know, Erodyne could already have men taking the emperor to the fortress. The emperor could be there when we arrive. What if he sees you, Iris? I can't even protect you from that. Let me save your life. Please. While it is still in my hands."
"Why are you doing this, general?" Iris asked, "If the emperor ever finds out you found me out and let me go --he will kill not only me, but you as well. You, like me, are playing a dangerous game. Don't let the eye for an eye thing stop you from doing what is necessary to preserve yourself. I will not hate you for it."
"I already refused. And I know my risks."
"Then let me go with you. I refuse to believe that you're saving me just for the sake of doing it. If you wish to save me, then at least let me repay you for it. Let me help you do this mission. I might just save your life again."
She stepped forward and placed a hand on his shoulder, staring at him with all the strength she had. He wanted to give her what she wanted right now --now as she stared at him with shining eyes. Her cheeks were flushed pink, he noticed.
Gods, he thought she was beautiful.
"No."
And then he walked past her and toward the door.
"Why?" she called after him, "Why would you send me home like a child? I might be a woman, but I'm useful." When Zayn offered no response, Iris sighed. "I don't care if you hate me. I promise I don't. Just let me be there. I won't even talk."
He swiveled around quickly, nearly ramming into her.
"Iris," his eyes and voice were soft at her words, "I could never hate you."
For a moment, Iris watched his eyes. There was an emotion there now that she couldn't place. One she'd never seen before. She didn't understand why he was looking at her the way that he did... nor did she understand why he spoke in such a tone.
"You're going to have to forgive me, Iris," he whispered, eyes cast at the ceiling.
Perplexed at him, she just raised a brow.
"For what?" she asked.
He didn't answer. Well, not in the sense of words, anyways. No. He simply just stared at her for a second and then carefully touched her face. She nearly jerked back, not in revulsion, but in surprise. She managed to stay still, completely dumbfounded. When she stayed, he used his other hand to cup her other cheek.
Now he looked in her eyes. But only for a moment.
The next moment, he kissed her. The moment his lips touched hers, she reeled in shock, feeling her heart drop to her stomach. But, she didn't recoil. After the initial surprise, she returned it the best she could. Softly, she placed her hands on his strong chest as she kissed him back. His mouth was warm as it moved against hers, she noticed.
And just like that... her world was thrown out of balance. She felt as his hands move from her face to her back, pulling her closer, one of them tangling itself in her hair. He kissed her deeply now.
She could've stayed there forever with him --she wished she could. Raising a hand, she gently grazed the scar on his cheek. He broke away for a moment, catching his breath, and then kissed her again, even more ardently than before.
As he did so, she realized that she'd never experienced anything like this before. Of course, there was Shadford. But with him, it was never like this. With him, it was nothing more than chaste, vacant kisses for the public. With Shad, it had been expected for him to kiss her. So he did. Back then, she would never have guessed that it was supposed to feel anything like this. But now, she felt the difference in her soul.
This was completely sincere. Meaningful. She felt completely struck just how expressive it was.
And then, it slowed. After another minute, he pulled away from her and pressed his forehead to hers, shutting his eyes... taking her in for a little bit.
And then he stepped back, now looking at her in the eyes. He did his best to look stoic, but Iris could see that his cheeks were flushed red. She didn't doubt hers looked the same way. With another deep breath, she tilted her head... taking in full force what had just happened.
"General?" she said, almost inaudibly.
He didn't respond... but instead, looked confused.
"Say something," she urged, hoping to make sense of what had just happened.
"I don't know what to say." He took a breath. "Just... I can't."
She took a deep breath. "Can't what?"
"Let you die," he settled for the words. "I want to save you. Consequences be damned, general duties be damned, I just need you to know that I am going to protect you from this. I can't have you die," he told her.
"I can save myself." Iris was still touched by the gesture, even if it was a little misguided. "You know I can. Let me go."
And then, he looked out the window to the moon. Iris could tell what he was thinking, she predicted what he would say next.
"I have to go, Iris. I won't tell the others about you. Take Gretchen and go... go back to Eda. Go see your father again and let him know that he should be proud of his daughter. The world should be proud," he rested a hand on her shoulder.
"But..."
"Please, Iris. I need you to go. Now. I know I cannot command you, because I am no longer your general. I am now only a man who cares a great deal about you." He turned an eye to her for only a second, trying to find the words. "I mean that. In time... I could..." He took a long breath. "You have to leave."
"General, I... I mean Zayn. I can't just go."
"Iris, I mean it," he said, with a finality in his voice, "I won't let you die. Go and return to Eda where you are safe."
She didn't reply. He took a step back and nodded his head... making up his mind.
"Go home. Go be with your father."
And then he left.